Vomiting thoughts-Journey to Healing?
- Thread starter Sammyjo
- Start date
Post weekend update - Overall a good weekend. Husband has agreed to go to couples counseling. I spent HOURS trying to find someone within reasonable distance. P addiction is never listed as a condition that they treat, but I found some with credentials listing internet and sex addiction.
I gave him a list of 3 and am leaving it to him to make the call. Once again going back to this has to be HIS choice. It's one of those things that will REALLY help me believe WE are important to him.
Keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't wait too long, it's really hard to find a decent therapist with any openings.
I gave him a list of 3 and am leaving it to him to make the call. Once again going back to this has to be HIS choice. It's one of those things that will REALLY help me believe WE are important to him.
Keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't wait too long, it's really hard to find a decent therapist with any openings.
He did not have (or make) time to call the couples counselor (or if he did, he didn't tell me). He's traveling 'til Friday, more travel the following 2 weeks, he should be home for Thanksgiving week, then back to travel, so not looking good for him setting up an appointment...Then of course you have the holidays coming, so seems it would be tricky for us to make much progress on that front.
He initiated book club last night (it's been a couple weeks since we last read together). We ended about 1/2 way through the chapter about forgiveness. It talks about how forgiveness comes from healing the hurt. It gives an example of a couple where the husband admitted to having an affair, and in counseling it became apparent the wife was more devastated by his actions/words rather than specifically the affair. It gave some other examples of hurt that had nothing to do with cheating. It's amazing how much you can think while reading. As I read the chapter aloud I had an extremely strong recognition of how I hurt him when I "oh poor you'd" him. I had many memories of how he hurt me mentally/emotionally throughout our marriage (checking out girls in front of me, flirting with a co-worker in front of me, making the same co-worker feel special instead of me AND in front of me, rejecting me when I made some special efforts - etc) . It re-opened many wounds and unfortunately it was late so we didn't have time to get into it. Life circumstances got in the way - he had his covid booster Sunday afternoon and his body responded like he had covid (hit by a truck feeling), and he needed to pack for his trip.
Back to the book - apparently we need to re-visit and "unpack" those wounds, look each other in the eye and describe exactly how it made us feel. Supposedly when you do this a brain chemical is released which actually creates empathy (not sympathy but empathy). It is through this connection that we can feel truly understood and forgiveness can occur. I'm not sure either of us feel up to this right now. He will feel that relentless "can't do anything right" feeling, and I am tired of making him feel that way.
I'm just tired.
It's difficult to sit home alone knowing it's not wise to bring any of this up while he's on the other side of the country.
It's difficult to look at how much "unpacking" we need to do with couples counseling unlikely in the near future.
It's difficult to not imagine the things he might be doing on the other side of the country.
It's difficult to think that with him traveling so much this could take forever to heal.
First visit with my therapist later today. I am a little worried that law may require her to report my actions. I am hoping that, because I am seeking help and it was a 1 time event, reporting won't be required. Unless I am honest with the therapist she can't help me, so I will take my chances.
He initiated book club last night (it's been a couple weeks since we last read together). We ended about 1/2 way through the chapter about forgiveness. It talks about how forgiveness comes from healing the hurt. It gives an example of a couple where the husband admitted to having an affair, and in counseling it became apparent the wife was more devastated by his actions/words rather than specifically the affair. It gave some other examples of hurt that had nothing to do with cheating. It's amazing how much you can think while reading. As I read the chapter aloud I had an extremely strong recognition of how I hurt him when I "oh poor you'd" him. I had many memories of how he hurt me mentally/emotionally throughout our marriage (checking out girls in front of me, flirting with a co-worker in front of me, making the same co-worker feel special instead of me AND in front of me, rejecting me when I made some special efforts - etc) . It re-opened many wounds and unfortunately it was late so we didn't have time to get into it. Life circumstances got in the way - he had his covid booster Sunday afternoon and his body responded like he had covid (hit by a truck feeling), and he needed to pack for his trip.
Back to the book - apparently we need to re-visit and "unpack" those wounds, look each other in the eye and describe exactly how it made us feel. Supposedly when you do this a brain chemical is released which actually creates empathy (not sympathy but empathy). It is through this connection that we can feel truly understood and forgiveness can occur. I'm not sure either of us feel up to this right now. He will feel that relentless "can't do anything right" feeling, and I am tired of making him feel that way.
I'm just tired.
It's difficult to sit home alone knowing it's not wise to bring any of this up while he's on the other side of the country.
It's difficult to look at how much "unpacking" we need to do with couples counseling unlikely in the near future.
It's difficult to not imagine the things he might be doing on the other side of the country.
It's difficult to think that with him traveling so much this could take forever to heal.
First visit with my therapist later today. I am a little worried that law may require her to report my actions. I am hoping that, because I am seeking help and it was a 1 time event, reporting won't be required. Unless I am honest with the therapist she can't help me, so I will take my chances.
Jlied
Active Member
Hi @Sammyjo thank you for your post while I’m sure you have some disappointment that he was not able to make an appointment for a therapist I do appreciate you patience towards him. I would caution not to make to many excuses for not having time before the end of the year though. Sometimes the longer things get out off the less likelihood of them happening. I understand the travel thing and the headache and chaos that it can cause, I’m actually traveling to the west coast as we speak, I would just make sure to check in sometime this week and see if he’s had a chance to at least settle on a therapist.
the book club thing is a really cool activity you two are doing, my wife and I used to do a nightly devotional and I really enjoyed the conversation it would create as we gave our opinions of what we read and how that conversation would take on a life if it’s own. It was always nice to feel a sense of connection just before bed, we never had to go to sleep wondering how the other was feeling. That’s cool he brought the idea up to start again.
I also like the whole facing each other and unpacking concept. I can totally see how it could cause empathy to take root, your looking at your partner, you can see their hurt, you can hear the inflections in their voice, and you can feel their pain regardless of which side of the isle you are on. I know you said there will be a lot to unpack but if there is a lot of dirty laundry it’s going to eventually have to get cleaned in order to wear it again. You’ve got to say those things if you’re going to have a chance to move on together without the past constantly tugging at you. Maybe those scars will always be there, but you will have said how they affect you and you will at least have your peace with that. My wife and I have been through similar, there was a female whom I worked with and we became friends. If I’m honest I think there was attraction in both ends though in my mind because I never physically acted in it I felt like it was harmless, however my wife was hurt by this, she felt all the things you’ve described. And truth be told my insecurities are what fueled that workplace relationship. I need to feel liked, I need to feel like people want to talk to me, and when someone started to fuel that need i are it up at every opportunity. It’s sad in my part that I chose that over the feelings of my wife, for the moment I can say I’ve changed in that regard, I can’t predict the future but I can say I much prefer a calm home life needing to fuel my insecurities.
I hope all goes well with your therapist visit, I hope your sessions will bring you some understanding and clarity for your own peace of mind and that you get some good ways to better handle the anger inside you.
I enjoy reading your posts, thanks for being honest and open with us all
the book club thing is a really cool activity you two are doing, my wife and I used to do a nightly devotional and I really enjoyed the conversation it would create as we gave our opinions of what we read and how that conversation would take on a life if it’s own. It was always nice to feel a sense of connection just before bed, we never had to go to sleep wondering how the other was feeling. That’s cool he brought the idea up to start again.
I also like the whole facing each other and unpacking concept. I can totally see how it could cause empathy to take root, your looking at your partner, you can see their hurt, you can hear the inflections in their voice, and you can feel their pain regardless of which side of the isle you are on. I know you said there will be a lot to unpack but if there is a lot of dirty laundry it’s going to eventually have to get cleaned in order to wear it again. You’ve got to say those things if you’re going to have a chance to move on together without the past constantly tugging at you. Maybe those scars will always be there, but you will have said how they affect you and you will at least have your peace with that. My wife and I have been through similar, there was a female whom I worked with and we became friends. If I’m honest I think there was attraction in both ends though in my mind because I never physically acted in it I felt like it was harmless, however my wife was hurt by this, she felt all the things you’ve described. And truth be told my insecurities are what fueled that workplace relationship. I need to feel liked, I need to feel like people want to talk to me, and when someone started to fuel that need i are it up at every opportunity. It’s sad in my part that I chose that over the feelings of my wife, for the moment I can say I’ve changed in that regard, I can’t predict the future but I can say I much prefer a calm home life needing to fuel my insecurities.
I hope all goes well with your therapist visit, I hope your sessions will bring you some understanding and clarity for your own peace of mind and that you get some good ways to better handle the anger inside you.
I enjoy reading your posts, thanks for being honest and open with us all
Maybe you'll see him there!
So the therapist...where to begin???
Well, I didn't get sent to jail, so that's good.
Pent up anger fueled by frustration, alcohol and being called the C word. As we all recognized right after my crazy night, limit the alcohol for now, and based on what we discussed she doesn't think I would do it again. 15 years of wondering if P was the issue or if he was having an affair, being lied to, questions being evaded, me TRYING to deny my anger and only address the hurt, and even hiding a lot of the hurt, add alcohol and boom. She believes (although not appropriate behavior) this was the cause, she equated me to a one and done volcano.
Although my husband wouldn't believe this, I hold back a lot of my hurt and MOST of my angry thoughts. I do this because he gets this look like "I can't do anything right." As hurt as I am I do believe there is only so much piling on one can take and my therapist agreed with this. She also added that it could foster a deeper depression that could lead to a P event. (Not telling me it would be my fault, but rather stating facts about addiction.)
She recommended I write him letters (not for him to read, or at least not right now) expressing all these thoughts that I don't express to him, to relieve them from my brain.
I walked her through a lot of the pains he's caused (not just P), and we talked about the things he has done to work on us.
I had told him something at the beginning of all this, and unfortunately forgot about it...I move fast with therapy - my therapist says I want you to do "this", and I do the next 4 steps that I know will be coming (I have a minor in psychology...I know just enough to be dangerous
)- My husband is a SMART man, but slower on the uptake with this stuff- and I need to REMEMBER that! We will do this at his pace because in reality this is about HIM.I guess the best part was that she said she can tell I still love him.
She also recommended a couples therapist, she said he's like a magician
She said he's busy, but if you send a compelling letter he would probably fit you in. Hubby is on a plane, but texted to see how the appointment went. I told him about the couples therapist, he said "do you want to give him a shot?" I replied "I will take a shot at anything, do you want his email address?" He said yes and then "I won't have time to message him today, but I should have time tomorrow morning." 
Jlied
Active Member
My opinion, I presume you live on east coast time and your hubby is presently in pacific time. The 3 hour time frame does make things challenging. I’m here in pacific time but live in east coast time. By the time he’s done working out here east coast offices have probably been closed for several hours. I think his reasoning should be addressed as to why he didn’t make the appointment. I won’t say he gets a pass because you should be able to make time for something important but he’s also juggling a job and making sure he provides for you. I’d let him know your disappointed and that you’ve put him in charge of this because you’re trying to see how important it is to him as well, but as a person who travels regularly for work, it does create a lot of chaos. But he should have a good response when he tells you why he didn’t call.
LONG conversation this morning.
He told me how he misses me and that when he wakes up in the middle of the night all he wants to do is roll over and snuggle me, he asked if I feel that way. I was honest, told him prior to P I felt that way, but now when I wake up in the middle of the night (we both always wake up around 3:15) my mind now goes "is he looking at P right now?", my brain gets all twisted and then I have to calm my thoughts down.
He was disappointed to hear this. He opened up about worrying that I would cheat (never been on his radar before), sad thinking about us possibly not working out. He heard a song where the lyrics really got him thinking - something like "now you're just someone that I used to know". It caused him to imagine us like that and he shared a lot of detailed thoughts and feelings about this. It made him feel like he had a pit in his stomach. Shared his concern that I won't be able to truly move past this.
Most importantly he shared his recognition that he took me and our marriage for granted. That prior to this he focused on everything but me/us for years because in his brain, once we took our vows, we would be together forever. He shared that he can't imagine a better life companion and all the reasons why (it was very helpful to hear all the things he values in me besides my looks and sex). Funny, over the last several years when I knew things weren't right between us but didn't know the real reason, I would ask him if he really loved me and why, his answer was he didn't know why he loved me, he just did. Now he has reasons! This is HUGE to me!
He shared A LOT. And his being emotionally open, rather than just Mr. Logical, is like a soothing drug.
He brought up the counseling thing, wondering if I think he needs to go to counseling before we start couples (so he can figure out the why part first). I told him my thoughts were both can happen simultaneously, but in my mind the couples part needs to be a priority.
So it IS on his mind, and chances are he won't have time to write that compelling letter today as he had more work piled on overnight that has to be done prior to the meeting.
This travel piece is an unfortunate reality in our lives right now. As I'm sure you've noticed, when he travels it is quite a challenge to keep my brain in a good place. As I think about it, I think it's a poor method of self protection I've developed. Like if I worry about stuff at least I won't be shocked when I find out. I allow my brain to get all twisted. What I SHOULD be doing is perhaps meditate and try to focus on the positive changes he's made. But for some reason when I try to do that I feel (not quite sure how to express this) a little sick inside - perhaps that is the self preservation saying "I don't want to put too much stock in what he's doing right, because if I start trusting I might get hit by a mack truck again". (I will bring this up in my next therapy.)
I really wish I could just MAKE A DECISSION to trust. In the mean time I will make a more concerted effort to focus on what he is doing and saying to help fix this mess.
He told me how he misses me and that when he wakes up in the middle of the night all he wants to do is roll over and snuggle me, he asked if I feel that way. I was honest, told him prior to P I felt that way, but now when I wake up in the middle of the night (we both always wake up around 3:15) my mind now goes "is he looking at P right now?", my brain gets all twisted and then I have to calm my thoughts down.
He was disappointed to hear this. He opened up about worrying that I would cheat (never been on his radar before), sad thinking about us possibly not working out. He heard a song where the lyrics really got him thinking - something like "now you're just someone that I used to know". It caused him to imagine us like that and he shared a lot of detailed thoughts and feelings about this. It made him feel like he had a pit in his stomach. Shared his concern that I won't be able to truly move past this.
Most importantly he shared his recognition that he took me and our marriage for granted. That prior to this he focused on everything but me/us for years because in his brain, once we took our vows, we would be together forever. He shared that he can't imagine a better life companion and all the reasons why (it was very helpful to hear all the things he values in me besides my looks and sex). Funny, over the last several years when I knew things weren't right between us but didn't know the real reason, I would ask him if he really loved me and why, his answer was he didn't know why he loved me, he just did. Now he has reasons! This is HUGE to me!
He shared A LOT. And his being emotionally open, rather than just Mr. Logical, is like a soothing drug.
He brought up the counseling thing, wondering if I think he needs to go to counseling before we start couples (so he can figure out the why part first). I told him my thoughts were both can happen simultaneously, but in my mind the couples part needs to be a priority.
So it IS on his mind, and chances are he won't have time to write that compelling letter today as he had more work piled on overnight that has to be done prior to the meeting.
This travel piece is an unfortunate reality in our lives right now. As I'm sure you've noticed, when he travels it is quite a challenge to keep my brain in a good place. As I think about it, I think it's a poor method of self protection I've developed. Like if I worry about stuff at least I won't be shocked when I find out. I allow my brain to get all twisted. What I SHOULD be doing is perhaps meditate and try to focus on the positive changes he's made. But for some reason when I try to do that I feel (not quite sure how to express this) a little sick inside - perhaps that is the self preservation saying "I don't want to put too much stock in what he's doing right, because if I start trusting I might get hit by a mack truck again". (I will bring this up in my next therapy.)
I really wish I could just MAKE A DECISSION to trust. In the mean time I will make a more concerted effort to focus on what he is doing and saying to help fix this mess.
Jlied
Active Member
Sammy, there are so many similarities between you and your husbands situation and my wife and I. I look forward to reading your postings, I have a ton of optimism for you two, you both want to succeed. You’re having open communication, he’s expressing feelings and fears with you. I think ultimately he will give you the signs on whether you can trust him again or not. The good news is there is no rush for you to make that decision. Do your counseling, stay in communication, have weekly check ins with each other. Ask him how he’s been doing ask him how he’s been feeling, tell him what you’re feeling, tell him your concerns. My wife and I would often try to finish our conversations by talking about what went well in the week, what went bad in the week, and what we think we can improve upon.
you got this!
you got this!
I've noticed this too. As a matter of fact when I first saw your screen name I wondered if your were my husband (sounds like something he would use for a screen name).
His opening up is so beneficial - he could repeat "I'm not looking at P" all day long and I probably wouldn't believe it, but when he shares the deep thoughts and emotions (things you definitely couldn't make up on the fly) it opens my heart and brain to believe he is REALLY trying and wants US to succeed.
For months now, when he travels I feel awkward when he comes home. I'm glad when he's home, but I haven't missed him in the same way I use to, I feel a bit shy...just awkward. When we ended the call this morning I actually felt like I couldn't wait to see him, it's been a few hours and I still feel that way. Just gotta make that last until tomorrow.
Jlied
Active Member
Could you imagine if that was the case? Man that would be the ultimate way to talk to your wife and really know how’s she’s feeling and also convey messages to her like you are someone else to validate the things you would personally say. What an evil idea! My screen name is just a combination of initials from my name, I don’t mean it is in I lied, although I’ve done plenty of that.
keep those excited feelings going hun! He’ll appreciate the warm reception home. Nothing feels better after a long trip than coming home to a warm hug and……we’ll you know.
Strange yet again… His initials also could be formed into Jlied! And I agree, it would be the ultimate way to converse with your partner, evil idea or not! That said there just enough dissimilarities that I am sure you are not my husband
ImBroken
Member
Total self-admission here - I, too, thought a member of the SOs was in fact my husband. To the point of making this person prove they were not my husband…infiltrating the boards and trying to find out where I am. I’m not ashamed though…I made a forever friend out of it. But let me tell you…my trust is FUCKED - in almost everything. The mind is a dangerous place…I guess now, I understand, how conspiracy theorists have taken over our land. I wish I could just write off the trust thing…In my mind, I’m pretty sure its a comfortable….”Okay, I am never going to trust him again” - but we all know how unhealthy that would be….but regardless of all the healing that can happen…I don’t think he will ever have my trust back.
Beautiful1973
Active Member
YUP!That’s wonderful @Sammyjo it sounds like his vulnerability is allowing you to rebuild emotional connection
With regards to trust, I saw a quote last week that said to build trust you need. Consistency, Commitment and Transparency!
He's in sales, and uses this same approach with customers...he actually used these exact word with me today.
Jlied
Active Member
Maybe I’m purposely changing up some things to keep you thrown off my trail! Mwuah hah hah hah…..kidding of course….interesting parallel for sure though.Strange yet again… His initials also could be formed into Jlied! And I agree, it would be the ultimate way to converse with your partner, evil idea or not! That said there just enough dissimilarities that I am sure you are not my husband
Jlied
Active Member
Sassy
