Hi
@Sammyjo im not sure there is an answer I can give you that will help make sense of it al but I’ll give you my perspective. Early on in my reboot (first 3-5 months) slips happen, and sometimes they happen out of habit. I spent a good number of years indulging in porn to the point where it came habitual. Sometimes I’d sit down in an empty house and I’d swear I’d start to feel my body change. I’d almost start getting a high, I’d instinctively grab my phone and start searching. I won’t say i was in a trance or anything but sometimes I’d be on the browser before I actually realized I was looking it up. It’s second nature at times, especially early on.
i meant every nice positive word that I said to my wife. I loved her, I was attracted to her, I was happy with her, I was committed to being better. It took practice to catch my train of thought and notice what it was I was doing. It took effort to peel myself away from it when I realized I was doing it. For myself it wasn’t all lies, I can appreciate how that makes you feel, from an outside point of view that’s exactly what it looks like. But I think it’s all lies too if someone says they stopped looking at porn cold turkey one day and never ever viewed it again, at least not anyone who has been doing it for years.
I hate to sound like I’m normalizing anything but my dear, it’s part of the process, if he’s committed he will get better. He will gain understanding to his triggers, he will get better at not putting himself in a position to get triggered. He will be better at educating himself. Then, these slips, these thoughts, these urges will become more controllable, he’ll find a way to bounce those thoughts and urges from his mind by not dwelling on them. If he’s really committed he’ll get there. But give him the opportunity to tell you first. Give him the opportunity to show you honesty. A big issue I had with my wife Early in our marriage is she snooped around a lot, and it made me feel like I had to be more private even if I had nothing to hide. I hated how that felt. She would ask me questions or put me in positions that always set me up to fail rather than being direct with me. It made me often times not be truthful because I wanted her to tell me is she knew which isn’t a healthy way to act on my end at all, and it only further fueled her need to snoop because she knew I wasn’t being truthful about things. We’ve talked and worked through this. She said she has less anxieties now that she’s not snooping on my phone or computer, it makes me feel like I can trust her more as well.
i don’t know how you found out about his search or how long it lasted, but give him the chance to tell you first.
he wrote the key for the therapist, remember that, he did that and that’s important.