Vomiting thoughts-Journey to Healing?
- Thread starter Sammyjo
- Start date
He wrote the letter! He sent me the draft and asked if I thought any changes needed to be made - Nope! It was an amazing letter - he laid out how good we were together, specified how he caused the major problem and how we both want to get it back but need guidance.
Another thing came out of this. I am a very empathetic person by nature. And I have just realized (although as I look back over this situation all the clues were there) I have not been empathetic towards him. Now perhaps this is a "natural" reaction, "you made your bed, now lie in it". (It's amazing how this hurt has changed my natural behaviors
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What opened my eyes to this was a question he asked after sending the letter, he asked "were you surprised I wrote it?" A discussion followed - in my head if he didn't write it it meant we are not a priority to him. In his mind taking time to write it with how crazy his job is was a big deal.
I need to re-focus and remember that a key element to my husband is this deep seeded need to make sure that when he retires he doesn't need to take a job a home depot as a greeter at 80 years old. Money has always been his security blanket. Work MUST come first for him to feel safe. Maybe that can change, maybe it can't, for now, it is what it is. But I need to stop holding what he did over his head and saying I COME FIRST. It's just a reality that the fact he took time away from all the things coming at him at work and wrote the letter is a HUGE deal in his mind. So now I have an even deeper appreciation for the amazing letter.
Great date night last night. Son and soon to be daughter-in-law came for a surprise visit with Big Dog
Another thing came out of this. I am a very empathetic person by nature. And I have just realized (although as I look back over this situation all the clues were there) I have not been empathetic towards him. Now perhaps this is a "natural" reaction, "you made your bed, now lie in it". (It's amazing how this hurt has changed my natural behaviors
)What opened my eyes to this was a question he asked after sending the letter, he asked "were you surprised I wrote it?" A discussion followed - in my head if he didn't write it it meant we are not a priority to him. In his mind taking time to write it with how crazy his job is was a big deal.
I need to re-focus and remember that a key element to my husband is this deep seeded need to make sure that when he retires he doesn't need to take a job a home depot as a greeter at 80 years old. Money has always been his security blanket. Work MUST come first for him to feel safe. Maybe that can change, maybe it can't, for now, it is what it is. But I need to stop holding what he did over his head and saying I COME FIRST. It's just a reality that the fact he took time away from all the things coming at him at work and wrote the letter is a HUGE deal in his mind. So now I have an even deeper appreciation for the amazing letter.
Great date night last night. Son and soon to be daughter-in-law came for a surprise visit with Big Dog
This is a great breakthrough for both of you. He has realized how important you are to him. You have realized that you are important to him. And even more, your marriage is important to you both. What amazing things you can do now! This is great news! I can see you smiling through your words!
ImBroken
Member
@Sammyjo - thanks again for the brutal honest sharing - I need this to keep me focused. Tonight I learned a really really really bad ugly about my husband’s porn/sex addiction - one that knocked me on my ass and at the same time sickened me. He was honest - I tried not to judge - but it has brought me back 40 some-odd days to D-Day. I’m not sure I want to know all of the sick details - I’m not sure a can look at or feel for him again - And now I am in “what the fuck is he going to spring on me next” mode.
I'm SO sorry Broken! My understanding is this (sharing of things that happened) is part of their recovery. There may be some of that coming my way as he hasn't started any formal therapy.
Perhaps think about if you need or want to know everything. So your husband has shared something big. I asked myself these questions: Can you handle something worse? Does it matter what else there is? In my mind it's all part of the addiction. I had a crazy dream the other night about his addiction, I won't post the details as it my trigger some. But in the dream he confessed something more to me. It was (in my mind) sickening. It was a WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU kind of thing. On the flip side, in my mind, the hurt he has caused won't be changed based on any addictive behavior he may or may not have participated in. The addiction is the core problem, and with it can come some pretty dark stuff. For ME (and this may be different for you), truth is what I need. 100% truth. No hidden topics that could be stumbled upon a year into fixing us. Once therapy starts he may feel the need to share things he hasn't. It will be hard to hear if there is more, but again, for ME, that 100% is important to me to trust him again.
Here's hoping you have a better day today.
Jlied
Active Member
Hi @ImBroken i don’t think you need to know all the details, I think in most cases an overview of sorts is sufficient. My wife had found out some things from my last, they predated us even knowing each other, but she found out about them months after D day as she stumbled across some texts I had sent to an accountability partner at the time. They too brought her back to D day. I didn’t disclose those things with her as they were before her and I didn’t see the relevance and I was also rather embarrassed by those things, maybe I’m wrong for not disclosing, maybe I was within my rights. I’m sure there are things that she’s fine in her life prior to us knowing each other that I don’t know and I’m ok with that. Anyway, we talked about it, I explained my rationale and where I was at during that time mentally and it kind of died there. It came up again this summer and we talked a bit more in depth as she was in a better place emotionally to have that conversation and it went much better (for the record it was nothing illegal or forbidden). I still didn’t get into the dirty details but I went into a bit more depth. I think the conversation brought her a bit more closure and I felt a sense of connection with her as she allowed me to explain in more detail which gave me security knowing I can talk to her about whatever I need to in the future. I guess what I’m trying to say is I think it’s ok to say you do t need every detail, if it’s going to take you guys backwards then better to just use the cliff notes version. Should you two stay together and get to a place where you are ready to talk more about those things that’s a different story. Like @Sammyjo said, you still need truth, but do you need the gory details?
@Sammyjo just so you know we ask ourselves WHAT THE FUCK IS WRING WITH YOU as well. There were many times I yelled at myself and hated myself and whatever else you can think of, the only thing I didn’t do is make a good plan to end my behavior. I just wallowed in my own self pitty which allowed me to sink even further into the void. Having truth and not finding a hidden topic later is big, trust me from experience. Get it all out now so you don’t feel betrayed all over again, it may be too late for a second round of all this. You may not have the fight left in you.
my thoughts are with you all as always!
He's traveling again.
Haven't heard back from the therapist.
Had a good conversation this morning, he went on at length about how he has taken me and our marriage for granted and he spoke in detail about how prior to all this he had never worried about me cheating or leaving, and now those thoughts are "all consuming". 2 hours later I got some intel on his internet activites...somebody's got some explaining to do. What the actual F%#!
Haven't heard back from the therapist.
Had a good conversation this morning, he went on at length about how he has taken me and our marriage for granted and he spoke in detail about how prior to all this he had never worried about me cheating or leaving, and now those thoughts are "all consuming". 2 hours later I got some intel on his internet activites...somebody's got some explaining to do. What the actual F%#!
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Jlied
Active Member
Were here for you, I’m sorry to hear of your discovery, I’m sure it’s not easy, I wish I could say slips don’t happen, it’s part of the process. I know in the moment that means nothing and everything he says means squat. I wish he had the ability to witness everything from 3rd person so he can visually see what a jackass he’s being.
sending you hugs.
sending you hugs.
Well...I guess we'll find out if he's going to lie again. Would be nice if he were to tell me rather than me having to ask and put him in a position to lie again.
Someone posed a private question and I'll just clarify here - What I mean by all of this is that several times I have told him that I understand it is nearly impossible to not slip up during this process, but I can't take another lie, that is where I drew a line in the sand. He's a pretty smart man, do I need to clarify that hiding is the same as lying?
Someone posed a private question and I'll just clarify here - What I mean by all of this is that several times I have told him that I understand it is nearly impossible to not slip up during this process, but I can't take another lie, that is where I drew a line in the sand. He's a pretty smart man, do I need to clarify that hiding is the same as lying?
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Jlied
Active Member
@Sammyjo if I could make a suggestion, assuming you haven’t said anything to him yet perhaps wait until he gets home to confront him about what you’ve found. Bringing it up while he is out of town will only give him opportunity to try find a way to come up with a story. Wait until you are face to face as it will be harder to come up with excuses on the spot.
regardless of what he says you’ve made your stance known and he’s accepted that. I hope for the two of you he tells you first but as addict chances are he may be too shameful to come right out and tell you, but I’m hoping based on everything you’ve said about the progress you two have made he will have grown enough as well to disclose this with you.
**hugs**
regardless of what he says you’ve made your stance known and he’s accepted that. I hope for the two of you he tells you first but as addict chances are he may be too shameful to come right out and tell you, but I’m hoping based on everything you’ve said about the progress you two have made he will have grown enough as well to disclose this with you.
**hugs**
@Jlied I will wait. Waiting sucks. I feel like I've spent 1/2 my life waiting for him to wake up.
@Blondie and @Jlied Can either of you, or any of the other rebooters explain to me how you can go from saying all the (nice/positive) things he said to me about me an our marriage (above) to an hour or 2 later looking again? It makes me feel like it's ALL lies. And then, why bother lying? If you don't want me around, just say so. FFS.
@Blondie and @Jlied Can either of you, or any of the other rebooters explain to me how you can go from saying all the (nice/positive) things he said to me about me an our marriage (above) to an hour or 2 later looking again? It makes me feel like it's ALL lies. And then, why bother lying? If you don't want me around, just say so. FFS.
Jlied
Active Member
Hi @Sammyjo im not sure there is an answer I can give you that will help make sense of it al but I’ll give you my perspective. Early on in my reboot (first 3-5 months) slips happen, and sometimes they happen out of habit. I spent a good number of years indulging in porn to the point where it came habitual. Sometimes I’d sit down in an empty house and I’d swear I’d start to feel my body change. I’d almost start getting a high, I’d instinctively grab my phone and start searching. I won’t say i was in a trance or anything but sometimes I’d be on the browser before I actually realized I was looking it up. It’s second nature at times, especially early on.
i meant every nice positive word that I said to my wife. I loved her, I was attracted to her, I was happy with her, I was committed to being better. It took practice to catch my train of thought and notice what it was I was doing. It took effort to peel myself away from it when I realized I was doing it. For myself it wasn’t all lies, I can appreciate how that makes you feel, from an outside point of view that’s exactly what it looks like. But I think it’s all lies too if someone says they stopped looking at porn cold turkey one day and never ever viewed it again, at least not anyone who has been doing it for years.
I hate to sound like I’m normalizing anything but my dear, it’s part of the process, if he’s committed he will get better. He will gain understanding to his triggers, he will get better at not putting himself in a position to get triggered. He will be better at educating himself. Then, these slips, these thoughts, these urges will become more controllable, he’ll find a way to bounce those thoughts and urges from his mind by not dwelling on them. If he’s really committed he’ll get there. But give him the opportunity to tell you first. Give him the opportunity to show you honesty. A big issue I had with my wife Early in our marriage is she snooped around a lot, and it made me feel like I had to be more private even if I had nothing to hide. I hated how that felt. She would ask me questions or put me in positions that always set me up to fail rather than being direct with me. It made me often times not be truthful because I wanted her to tell me is she knew which isn’t a healthy way to act on my end at all, and it only further fueled her need to snoop because she knew I wasn’t being truthful about things. We’ve talked and worked through this. She said she has less anxieties now that she’s not snooping on my phone or computer, it makes me feel like I can trust her more as well.
i don’t know how you found out about his search or how long it lasted, but give him the chance to tell you first.
he wrote the key for the therapist, remember that, he did that and that’s important.
i meant every nice positive word that I said to my wife. I loved her, I was attracted to her, I was happy with her, I was committed to being better. It took practice to catch my train of thought and notice what it was I was doing. It took effort to peel myself away from it when I realized I was doing it. For myself it wasn’t all lies, I can appreciate how that makes you feel, from an outside point of view that’s exactly what it looks like. But I think it’s all lies too if someone says they stopped looking at porn cold turkey one day and never ever viewed it again, at least not anyone who has been doing it for years.
I hate to sound like I’m normalizing anything but my dear, it’s part of the process, if he’s committed he will get better. He will gain understanding to his triggers, he will get better at not putting himself in a position to get triggered. He will be better at educating himself. Then, these slips, these thoughts, these urges will become more controllable, he’ll find a way to bounce those thoughts and urges from his mind by not dwelling on them. If he’s really committed he’ll get there. But give him the opportunity to tell you first. Give him the opportunity to show you honesty. A big issue I had with my wife Early in our marriage is she snooped around a lot, and it made me feel like I had to be more private even if I had nothing to hide. I hated how that felt. She would ask me questions or put me in positions that always set me up to fail rather than being direct with me. It made me often times not be truthful because I wanted her to tell me is she knew which isn’t a healthy way to act on my end at all, and it only further fueled her need to snoop because she knew I wasn’t being truthful about things. We’ve talked and worked through this. She said she has less anxieties now that she’s not snooping on my phone or computer, it makes me feel like I can trust her more as well.
i don’t know how you found out about his search or how long it lasted, but give him the chance to tell you first.
he wrote the key for the therapist, remember that, he did that and that’s important.
Jlied
Active Member
Hi @Sammyjo I sympathize with you though I will never really know your pain. I guess part of what makes life life is that you have the choice to stop being rational, and you have the choice to leave a situation that leaves you feeling drained and tired all the time. And really, I dont know if anyone would fault you.
you have a whole life with your person, the thought of starting over im sure is so overwhelming. The thought of staying I’m sure feels overwhelming. I wish I could give you the correct answer. People are capable of change, but they have to want it. Ask him why he’s getting sober, ask him if he would be getting sober if you two weren’t together anymore. Ask him if he likes who he is when he’s viewing, ask him if that’s what he wants to be remembered as at the end of his life. For me, I started rebooting for my wife and family but I eventually made it about myself. I’m getting better for me. If I can’t be on board the reboot is doomed. He has to want this for himself more than he wants it for you. If my wife and I split up I would still be working on not going back to porn. Would it be hard, absolutely, but I don’t want to waste the rest of my life with an external facade that projects an upright and morally sound person while inside I’m a shrew little miser whose chosen dopamine over human connections.
you have a whole life with your person, the thought of starting over im sure is so overwhelming. The thought of staying I’m sure feels overwhelming. I wish I could give you the correct answer. People are capable of change, but they have to want it. Ask him why he’s getting sober, ask him if he would be getting sober if you two weren’t together anymore. Ask him if he likes who he is when he’s viewing, ask him if that’s what he wants to be remembered as at the end of his life. For me, I started rebooting for my wife and family but I eventually made it about myself. I’m getting better for me. If I can’t be on board the reboot is doomed. He has to want this for himself more than he wants it for you. If my wife and I split up I would still be working on not going back to porn. Would it be hard, absolutely, but I don’t want to waste the rest of my life with an external facade that projects an upright and morally sound person while inside I’m a shrew little miser whose chosen dopamine over human connections.
GBS
Respected Member
Hi lady @Sammyjo . Sorry for your hiccups. Excuse my bluntness. I became totally honest with my wife because she threatened me. I am that shallow, Had she let me off with a warning in the first place I fear I would have carried on.
She said, “you have to get a therapist, you have to change, and you gave to pack up porn and all the shit you’re hiding or I’m leaving with the kids”. She said that.
I got a therapist because I was that scared. I gave up porn because I was that scared.
BUT once I was on my journey I realised that not hiding stuff wasn’t about impressing her it was about improving me. So I won too.
Sorry to say this but you might need to give Mr Sammyjo an ultimatum and have the courage to carry it out. Again sorry for the brutal honesty. He has to sort his shit out. I thought I could do it without help but I was SO wrong.
She said, “you have to get a therapist, you have to change, and you gave to pack up porn and all the shit you’re hiding or I’m leaving with the kids”. She said that.
I got a therapist because I was that scared. I gave up porn because I was that scared.
BUT once I was on my journey I realised that not hiding stuff wasn’t about impressing her it was about improving me. So I won too.
Sorry to say this but you might need to give Mr Sammyjo an ultimatum and have the courage to carry it out. Again sorry for the brutal honesty. He has to sort his shit out. I thought I could do it without help but I was SO wrong.
