Vomiting thoughts-Journey to Healing?

Sammyjo

Active Member
Just to keep it real for all the SO's, bad night last night, better this morning. (Won't bore you with the details) I though maybe we had jumped off the roller coaster, but I guess the ride's not over yet.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Maybe I will bore you with a bit of it.

We never used to fight. Since D Day we have been communicating much more openly. It starts calm and often ends in a fight. I THINK it's because we both start to experience fear (of the other calling it quits), sometimes it's because I add to the list of ways he's hurt me. I used to "batter" him with the hurts, but with our new communication style new things happen to come up in conversation (calmly).

He then shuts down and I feel like "he's done with us" and then I go on the attack to try to get him to talk. (If you read the book "Hold Me Tight" this is referred to as one of the "demon dialogues".)

We spoke at length about this today. Our solution is that when he needs to shut down for a bit he'll say something like "I love you, but I need some space, this is not the end for us", hopefully that will ease my mind while he thinks and I won't go on the attack.

Wish me luck...it's almost date night again!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
We spoke at length about this today. Our solution is that when he needs to shut down for a bit he'll say something like "I love you, but I need some space, this is not the end for us", hopefully that will ease my mind while he thinks and I won't go on the attack.
I like this solution @Sammyjo. I've had to learn to do this myself, even just in normal conversations. Sometimes I get back home and the Lady wants to talk about my day or hers, however, I often just don't feel like talking at the moment, even if nothing is wrong, so I've learned how to say something like that. It seems so simple, but it's something I'm still working on.

Everything is truly about communication.

Good luck on date night.
 
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Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@Sammyjo to help us during this cuss discuss time we would preface and end talks discussions etc. with the statement to each other, “I’m not going anywhere.” It helped so much. Sometimes when he sensed I was on the edge of the rabbit hole, my husband would just brush my arm and say that. I would do the same. That one small sentence let us know we were working toward together not apart.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Back to "Hold Me Tight" - we had started reading it, he while travelling, me at home. Both of us have paused reading it simply because life gets busy. After our fight the other night I mentioned the book might help us figure this stuff out. Fast forward, he came downstairs this morning and said "should we book club tonight?" (meaning read and discuss together)🥰

It's the little things that mean so much!
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Not sure what's up with me today. Feeling very down and moderately panicky.

Overall it was a good weekend. Date night was very nice. There was a more pronounced issue with ED over the weekend, which I am trying to take in stride.....

Of course it crosses my mind that the ED means he's back looking, but I counter that in my mind with "then why would he be working so hard at fixing us". Surely he knows that if he does all this work with me and I find out he is still looking he will have wiped out any possibility of getting the trust back.

We are doing "book club" again tonight, so I'm trying to focus on that to lift my mood but it seems to make me feel even more sick inside.

Psychoanalyzing myself - maybe it's because everything is (mostly) good, subconsciously I am waiting for the slap in the face. So I will plaster that fake smile back on my face, try to ignore it and see what happens.

On a side note, something has changed in me. I've never been one to express my frustration or anger with violence. But the last 2 fights we had I left the room and started throwing things and slamming doors. Today, my sadness is making me feel like breaking things. Instead I will go to the gym.

Fuck porn. FUCK FUCK FUCK PORN!!!!!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
You doing great lady, just hang in there, I think all of this will need more time that's all. It's completely understandable to be wanting to trust and go forward in your relationship, while at the same time being afraid he will trip up again, or worse, won't tell you about it. Being only six months out or so, he's probably still in a flatline, which could explain his Pied. And as you said, I don't think he would be doing all of this with you, while returning to it behind your back, because it wouldn't make any sense.

I'm glad date night went well and you'll be reading together again tonight. That's good to hear.

Today, my sadness is making me feel like breaking things. Instead I will go to the gym.
Get to the gym, it really does wonders.

And yes, Fuck porn!
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Try listening to Limp Bizkit Break Stuuf😎😎. I am apologetically music oriented.
:ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
I've never heard this song before - I have to admit it brought a smile to my face!

When my kids were teens one of my favorites was "Teenagers" by My Chemical Romance (it was more about the phrase "Teenagers scare the living shit out of me) - if you listen too hard to the rest of the lyrics the reality of it is disturbing.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Just asking here does anyone else have certain songs they use for moods? I know when I was down and sad I would listen to Set Fire to the Rain by Adele. Pissed off Marilyn Manson and the above song. Recommendations?
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
I used to listen to a lot of Pink when I was angry and not understanding what was going on with our relationship, one particular favorite with You and Ur Hand :LOL:. I would also play songs with wording to try to wake him up to how I was feeling, Bruno Mars (When I was your man) Pink (Just give me a reason), guess I need to start listening to more hopeful songs. Not sure if I already posted it, but my new favorite is by Jax (Victoria's Secret) - LOVE the lyrics - this is the chorus
I know Victoria's secret
And girl, you wouldn't believe
She's an old man who lives in Ohio
Making money off of girls like me
Cashing in on body issues
Selling skin and bones with big boobs
I know Victoria's secret
She was made up by a dude (dude)
Victoria was made up by a dude (dude)
Here's LYRICS ONLY song video
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Thoughts on cuddling

My husband came to me yesterday and asked if I thought I would ever be able to cuddle him again. EYE OPENER! Had NO idea this was a concern for him.

My first response was "I hope so". And over my morning coffee a thought occurred to me (which I shared most of with him)...

I've been asking him to snuggle me, like we lay in bed with my back to him and he snuggles me. I can't initiate sex (mentally) right now and have told him that, I am afraid if I snuggle him he is going to think I am looking for sex. He is aware that I am perfectly fine with him initiating sex, but I can't right now.

I did snuggle him last night, at first half heartedly and he called me out on it, so I gave him the full snuggle and a bit of a back rub. It didn't kill me, and I was ok with it, but fear was in my way of giving him a full loving snuggle.

Here's the thing...I think I am being "selfish" because he was selfish. I want the snuggles, "you owe me", "make ME feel loved", and I still have a ton of fear. I share verbally with him, but am withholding the touch. For some odd reason I enjoy sex and him snuggling me, but fear sneaks in when I snuggle him. Maybe I'm in "take mode" - I gave, gave, gave while you were off getting off to other women, it's my turn to get? His turn to fill the void he created? Fill the void so I know I can trust you?

Anyway, bottom line...I do love my husband, and I do want us to get back to a good solid "us", I want to snuggle him and send him love while I snuggle him, fear is still holding me back. How long is it going to take to get rid of the fear? Will it always be there on some level that we just have to accept and try to work into the new "us"? Still in self preservation mode I guess. I guess I'm afraid if I go back to the normal loving person I was too soon he will go back to the emotionally shut down porn loving person he was.
 

ImBroken

Member
@Sammyjo - wow - did the selfish button get pressed in my life. Overwhelming feelings of it - with a “I really don’t give a flying fuck what you think about anything you porn addicted fuckwad” - no joke…that is what I am feeling. I’m really stuck in the “I want to be somewhat supportive of your recovery while still not giving a fuck about what you want or deserve and I am OUTTA here after 90 days so I can go on with my life without a tinge of guilt for asking you to leave” - Its all too quaint right now for my liking. Not even to the point where I might have to deal with PIED. God Bless those who go before me.

@Gracie - Music is a HUGE influence and I have playlists for just about every mood. I have been listening A LOT to Patty Griffin - Let Him Fly - it just makes so much sense - as well as her song RAIN. She is my touchstone musically - a different kind of Joni Mitchell. Sadly - we (as a couple) discovered her together and have seen her perform around the world. Another song on heavy rotation right now is Pete Shelly’s TELEPHONE OPERATOR - the driving beat seems to let the anger ooze out of me at a controlled pace. BUT my all time - let the steam off - song is Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name Of - its not that I identify with the song - but the fact the song even had to be written and the voices it represents - gets me angrier than my own current anger.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Quick check in...Friday night almost a bust, but husband had taken mental notes from the book we're reading and pulled us out of it by asking me to dance in a bar where no one else was dancing (major check markl!)...then he spiraled and I pulled him out of it. Saturday similar, Sunday was phenomenal. Monday was book club and although it's supposed to bring us closer I felt he was more distant. Today he left on another trip.

I HATE trips. This is how all this crap got out of hand (or into hand). I mean apparently it has been a part of our marriage (unbeknownst to me) the whole time (funny how it goes from 2 years to 6 years to 15 years to ENTIRE marriage), but it got to the point where he couldn't get it up if he was looking at me, then....well, you know the drill.

I guess this is the next difficult conversation (or crucial conversation)...Travel is a must with his job and he is the $$$maker. Travel is the thing that makes me feel most psycho...fears, thoughts get out of control, obsessive wanting to check up on him (which I HATE doing). He calls every night before bed, but the way he ends the call ALWAYS leaves me feeling like something's up (in a bad way). It's like we go from nice conversation to sudden "gotta go". All I can think is he's heading off to P land or has some Ho coming to his room. REALLY makes it hard to focus on the progress we are/were making.

Lovely way to live and try to sleep.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
@Sammyjo I can so relate to the struggle of time apart......my man and I had both been married before, so we would have a week together and a week apart. In the beginning I absolutely loved it, we would have a beautiful week together, filled with intimacy and connection and then a week apart where I got to spend time with my children and enjoy my own life. But once the porn consumption started to wreck havoc in our relationship, the time apart just became an anxiety fest for me, filled with constant worry about what he was doing, over analysing every text message, getting upset if he didn't say goodnight or good morning, it made me feel needy and as if I was going crazy.

I know you and your husband have been on this journey for a while! Do you have boundaries in place, have set a boundary around if he had a slip and consumed or worse a relapse? I presume he feels and understands the emotions you feel when he is travel and the fear underneath that?

I wonder if you might be open to trying a different approach, if you are feeling emotionally safe enough to change the narrative????
A difficult question I had to ask myself was, how I was showing up in the relationship in our time apart and then when coming back together.

Let me know your thoughts.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
@Beautiful1973
Thank you for your thoughts.

Yes we have boundaries set. If he feel tempted he is supposed to call me (no matter what the hour). If he has a slip he is supposed to tell me. He has never called, nor told me of a slip (which should be a relief but instead I find it hard to believe he hasn't been tempted on a single trip since April.)

If I feel anxious I call him. I did call him after I posted last night. It helped a bit but not enough. Somehow I need to move past this "travel anxiety", guessing it's just another one that's going to take time.

He is aware of my fears that stem from his travel.
I wonder if you might be open to trying a different approach, if you are feeling emotionally safe enough to change the narrative????
A difficult question I had to ask myself was, how I was showing up in the relationship in our time apart and then when coming back together.
I guess I'm not sure what you are suggesting here. Could you further explain?
 
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Beautiful1973

Active Member
I guess I'm not sure what you are suggesting here. Could you further explain?
I was thinking of something romantic......how would it feel for you to take control and plan something for his return......do you feel emotionally safe enough to reach for him like that?
It would build a different tension between the two of you, rather than you waiting to feel relieved by his return, or him feeling like he is reassuring you while he is away, not that there is anything wrong with that. It might also be a nice anticipation for him if you were to tell him you are planning a surprise........Anyway, I might be completely off base and this is just not a place that you are at yet, but I know for me, sometimes I have to be really deliberate with my thinking to break the anxiety cycle I can get into.
 
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