Honoring the Ultimatum

The Tunesmith

The Tunesmith

Active Member
Mornin'... Steve, former porn junkie, seven and a half months sober. Felt like a royal shitheel for the past two days. I try not to dwell on the negative effects my P use had on all concerned, but sometimes reminders pop up. Be they from outside influences or someone close, they pop up. Sometimes I let them overwhelm me and I get depressed. Sometimes I think about all the negatives one experiences while on this particular journey and wonder if those negatives actually outweigh the positives. Sometimes I wonder if there is any forgiveness left for me after all the crap I put people through.. But then I wake up. I Throw off the self-pity driven stupor that seemed so overwhelming, and realize that just because the benefits of sobriety aren't always visually prevalent in my day to day, they ALWAYS will outweigh the negatives. "We walk by faith, not by sight." The bleaker aspects of life are swift to present themselves as a huge entity that is visible to our senses of physical perception. We defeat them when we understand that what our physical senses can't perceive of is stronger than anything our eyes or ears can pick up on.. What ever asshole coined the phrase "Seeing is believing" is just that, an ignorant asshole. I SAW a magician make a tiger fly across an auditorium in Branson MO. Do I believe the tiger really flew??? Hell no... It was a deception, just like porn.. (I mean, you don't really believe the women in those videos are enjoying that shit, do you?) But I do believe that a power resides in each of us that is more than capable of overcoming our perceived weaknesses. TOUCH THAT POWER. We walk by faith, not by sight. Our eyes can deceive us, but our spirits will light the way.

Persevere Brethren
 
The Tunesmith

The Tunesmith

Active Member
7.5 months sober.. All is well.... The slow wheels of change keep grinding. Although the improvement rate increases very slowly, the results are still measurable, and noticeable. I AM a lucky man.
 
The Tunesmith

The Tunesmith

Active Member
Kind of down in the mouth today, but... I am well beyond the stage wherein a bit of depression brings thoughts of regression. Not a consideration. Being bummed out is a normal thing for humans to experience. As long as it doesn't become a permanent state of mind it's nothing to fear.
Persevere Brethren
 
The Tunesmith

The Tunesmith

Active Member
Are any of you married guys wives members of a betrayed spouse facebook group(s)? If so, How do you feel about the advice they give?
 
TipToe40

TipToe40

Member
The Tunesmith said:
Are any of you married guys wives members of a betrayed spouse facebook group(s)? If so, How do you feel about the advice they give?
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Great to meet you Tunesmith. I’m new here. Still tryin to figure it all out. Women are complicated beings that’s for sure. Your post caught my eye cause I recently found out my wife is a member of those groups on Facebook and I’m curious about what they’re saying about us. Has yours told you anything? I assume so. Mine hasn’t yet but I’m scared to ask. I don’t pry but she offers up some info sometimes that I assume come from her conversing with her lady friends in those groups. She just says they are her only friends and they all feel the same so that’s why she stays in group. She cries a lot when she talks to them because she says they understand her and I don’t. What do you think? Do they just bash us or is it an outlet for what we’ve done to them? I’m sorta in the dark over here about it. Are they giving our women bad advice?
 
The Tunesmith

The Tunesmith

Active Member
TipToe40 said:
Great to meet you Tunesmith. I’m new here. Still tryin to figure it all out. Women are complicated beings that’s for sure. Your post caught my eye cause I recently found out my wife is a member of those groups on Facebook and I’m curious about what they’re saying about us. Has yours told you anything? I assume so. Mine hasn’t yet but I’m scared to ask. I don’t pry but she offers up some info sometimes that I assume come from her conversing with her lady friends in those groups. She just says they are her only friends and they all feel the same so that’s why she stays in group. She cries a lot when she talks to them because she says they understand her and I don’t. What do you think? Do they just bash us or is it an outlet for what we’ve done to them? I’m sorta in the dark over here about it. Are they giving our women bad advice?
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Greetings TipToe, and welcome to the club. Still trying to figure it out? Yeah, me too, and if I live to be 120 I'll still be trying to figure it out. It's when we stop trying to figure it out that we have thrown in the towel, so keep trying... Man, all the things your wife said, my wife has said too. Let your wife talk to those women as much as she likes, she needs them. Yes, they bash the shit out of us at times. Maybe that keeps them from actually hitting us in the back of the head with a skillet. No, I don't agree with everything they say (yes, my wife shares a lot of their commentary with me) but the larger portion of it is dead on the money, and if I took it to heart it actually helped.. Yeah, she will get pissed off at times behind it, yes she will cry at times, if she hasn't already she may wade through your ass with both feet behind it. All the advice isn't good, women are as you say very complicated beings. For instance, and I paraphrase, "Don't do anything anymore in bed that that turns that SOB on, but, get butthurt when his interest in sex with you diminishes". WHAT??? Now, I can see them wanting us to eliminate the things that are porn induced from our sex lives, but, a little extreme otherwise, don't you think? BUT... Commentary of that nature doesn't constitute the bulk of the conversation.. As I said, the largest % of what these women share is spot on, SO.... When and if your wife does begin to share things she culls from her group, try to keep an open mind. I had (and still have) trouble not getting upset behind it, but, those women MIRROR her feelings, and she needs that... It's hard but ya gotta let her whip your ass a little. Our wives see our use of porn no differently that if we actually went out and hired a prostitute. To them it is cheating. Gotta embrace that concept because, hell, they are right.
Persevere Brother
 
The Tunesmith

The Tunesmith

Active Member
One year today... But things aren't exactly great. Can't find a CSAT that takes my insurance, and that is one of her conditions in the "Ultimatum". She (my wife) claims I have made no progress, since I still get tempted from time to time. For some reason she feels that even being tempted at all is the same as if I succumbed to the temptation and used. I should no longer have any desire to use, or, I'm not making any progress. The effort I put forth to resist the temptation means dick in her thinking. She has posted comments about my behavior on her SUPPORT group sites. Embarrassing crap which I really wish she wouldn't say on a semi-public forum. But she says talking about it is essential to her healing. And the worst part is... She isn't lying or exaggerating. I did all the stuff she claims. So... I live every day of my life being constantly reminded of what a fu*k up I was, with never any accolades for going a year without using. Makes me wanna put a pistol in my mouth...
 
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Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Congrats @The Tunesmith on a full year. That is truly fantastic and I'm very happy for you.

I'm sorry to hear about things with your wife. It's really sad when partners don't support each other. In my estimation, you being tempted to look at porn yet refraining, is more bad ass than never thinking about porn again. As courage isn't the absence of fear, likewise, a good recovery isn't the absence of temptation, in fact, it's the exact opposite.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Congrats again! (y)
 
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