SoberRich
Member
Hello all,
I just wanted to maybe explore this a little and ask if other PAs can also identify with this as a problem, or source of problems. I have had 2 adult relationships (which I would define as including sex and living with the other person) in my life, that being with my now wife and my ex girlfriend whom I dated in university. So I obviously don't have much to go on myself. But I can say that I never really talked about sex with either of these two adult women I was with. Which is extremely odd, if you think about it. I was doing all of this stuff behind their backs as I dated them, watching porn and masturbating to all of this sexual material which many would probably find objectionable, but I never talked to my own significant others about the sex life I shared with them. I wonder how much these two issues influence and impact eachother? I now sort of regret that I never engaged openly about sex in these relationships. It becomes a sort of vicious cycle, where the real life sex life deteriorates, but the porn addiction fantasy grows. I wonder what my significant others thought about this? It must of seemed bizarre to them. If there is anyone you should be able to talk about sex, kinks, and interests with it should be the person you are having sex with.
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I'd like to add that more open dialogue with your significant other probably mitigates or pushes the porn fantasy away. Open dialogue allows you to get to know your significant other and it also bonds the two people together as they talk about what each person wants to do, is willing to do, etc. The sex life of the two people becomes less a situation of two separate people, and more a situation of the relationship. Maybe that is why conversations about it and even dirty talk itself is important in a relationship. It sets up the boundaries, but it also allows the two people to grow together in the same direction.
Maybe that is why we PAs don't do it or want to do it? We selfishly, and perhaps narcissisticly, want the sex life to be our property, perhaps even before kinks get embarassing or abnormal.
I don't know, just thinking...and confused as to how we could have gotten all of this so upside down and turned around.
I just wanted to maybe explore this a little and ask if other PAs can also identify with this as a problem, or source of problems. I have had 2 adult relationships (which I would define as including sex and living with the other person) in my life, that being with my now wife and my ex girlfriend whom I dated in university. So I obviously don't have much to go on myself. But I can say that I never really talked about sex with either of these two adult women I was with. Which is extremely odd, if you think about it. I was doing all of this stuff behind their backs as I dated them, watching porn and masturbating to all of this sexual material which many would probably find objectionable, but I never talked to my own significant others about the sex life I shared with them. I wonder how much these two issues influence and impact eachother? I now sort of regret that I never engaged openly about sex in these relationships. It becomes a sort of vicious cycle, where the real life sex life deteriorates, but the porn addiction fantasy grows. I wonder what my significant others thought about this? It must of seemed bizarre to them. If there is anyone you should be able to talk about sex, kinks, and interests with it should be the person you are having sex with.
-------------------------------------------
I'd like to add that more open dialogue with your significant other probably mitigates or pushes the porn fantasy away. Open dialogue allows you to get to know your significant other and it also bonds the two people together as they talk about what each person wants to do, is willing to do, etc. The sex life of the two people becomes less a situation of two separate people, and more a situation of the relationship. Maybe that is why conversations about it and even dirty talk itself is important in a relationship. It sets up the boundaries, but it also allows the two people to grow together in the same direction.
Maybe that is why we PAs don't do it or want to do it? We selfishly, and perhaps narcissisticly, want the sex life to be our property, perhaps even before kinks get embarassing or abnormal.
I don't know, just thinking...and confused as to how we could have gotten all of this so upside down and turned around.
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