***WARNING. Potential Trigger*** A question about objectification.

[The Tunesmith]

I'm currently 34 days sober. I have noticed improvements in my sexual relationship with my wife already. I hope to help facilitate improvement in that regard on a daily basis.

I, as all porn abusers I suspect, have a HUGE problem with objectification. On top of all the usual objectification issues we all suffer from, I have several fetishes. Pantyhose... You could put any female in a pair of hose and I would at least give her a second look, if not full out begin to drool. Feet... I've always (yeah, even as a child) found the female foot to be an attractive and sensual part of the anatomy. Voyeurism, yes, watching porn is and of itself voyeuristic in nature, but I am a candaulist (google it), which is voyeurism in hyper-drive.

My wife has voiced her concerns about being objectified by me. It, of course, is repulsive to her. She won't (and I don't ask it of her anymore) wear pantyhose or stockings. I try to avoid paying to much attention to her feet, and I certainly do not mention any candaulistic thoughts to her anymore. (yes, she at one time indulged my candaulism). But...

I am having a problem separating what is actually objectifying her as opposed to what is just a natural attraction.

Example. I have recently become enamored with my wife, Shawna's tummy. She is 45, and she has always been of slender build. She is still slender, but as her metabolism slows she has grown a slight bit of a bulge in her tummy. And... I think it is ADORABLE !!! I have a theory (have not seen any documentation to confirm it yet) that a healthy, non porn addled libido, attunes itself to be age appropriate. I feel that my attraction to this attribute of my wife's anatomy is natural. It's how I SHOULD feel. It's SUPPOSED to turn me on.

Am I wrong?? Am I still objectifying her and just constructing theories to justify and normalize behavior which is actually still objectionable?

How am I supposed to be attracted to my wife if I am not allowed to find her to be sexy? Or find specific parts of her anatomy pleasing to my eye?

As i stated above, I find nylon to be attractive to me regardless of who is wearing it. I find feet to be attractive regardless of who they belong to. But I don't find other women's tummies to be particularly attractive to me. I certainly don't have a tummy fetish. This being the case, does that mean that my newfound attraction to Shawna's belly is a natural thing? Or am I just developing a new fetish?

HELP !!!

 

[Blondie]

Hey Tunesmith, that's a great question.

Even though us porn users (I hate the word addicted) obviously have turned objectivation to its extreme, I don't think "objectivation" or "natural attraction" in of itself is wrong. I love everything that you mentioned that you love about women and their sexy clothes, and I had those thoughts well before I ever really got into porn, yes even as a kid. To me, all of these things are just a part of being sexual, something that I've had to learn about and lean into as I've got over my shame of being a man. I even tell my lady I'm objectifying her, it's a joke of ours even. But of course, she knows this is coming from a guy who loves her and cares for her, so it's more than mere "objectification," but hopefully you get my point. Obviously, objectivation is bad in the wrong circumstance, but "objectivation" in the bedroom or as pure delight in your partner's female form, I see and have no problems with that.

It goes without saying that porn can really screw us up and make us start liking things we didn't like before, which is something I would keep in mind. This is why a lot of guys who thought they liked something and thought it was a part of them, after quitting porn, found their taste completely changed. I haven't really noticed this personally for me, but for many people, it rings true.

I hope this helps

Keep killing it

Blondie

 

[The Tunesmith]

Hey Tunesmith, that's a great question.

Even though us porn users (I hate the word addicted) obviously have turned objectivation to its extreme, I don't think "objectivation" or "natural attraction" in of itself is wrong. I love everything that you mentioned that you love about women and their sexy clothes, and I had those thoughts well before I ever really got into porn, yes even as a kid. To me, all of these things are just a part of being sexual, something that I've had to learn about and lean into as I've got over my shame of being a man. I even tell my lady I'm objectifying her, it's a joke of ours even. But of course, she knows this is coming from a guy who loves her and cares for her, so it's more than mere "objectification," but hopefully you get my point. Obviously, objectivation is bad in the wrong circumstance, but "objectivation" in the bedroom or as pure delight in your partner's female form, I see and have no problems with that.

It goes without saying that porn can really screw us up and make us start liking things we didn't like before, which is something I would keep in mind. This is why a lot of guys who thought they liked something and thought it was a part of them, after quitting porn, found their taste completely changed. I haven't really noticed this personally for me, but for many people, it rings true.

I hope this helps

Keep killing it

Blondie

Yes. It helped. It let's me know that my opinions are not as far fetched as I am led to believe. Shawna is damaged (by my porn use and the resulting perversions of our relationship it has caused) and therefore is not objective at this point. Everything she believes is extreme. All objectification is evil to her at this point. Regardless of whether it is directed at her or some other woman. All the same to her. As I try to sort out what is pure and what is porn influenced affections, it is nice to get the opinions of others as hers are based upon the fear I have spent 14 years instilling in her.

Yeah, porn definitely has made me think I like things that I don't really enjoy as I kept chasing the dragon for 14 years. I'm not far enough along in the abstaining process yet for those things porn has instilled in me to start falling away in surplus. Hence my confusion as to what is natural and what is porn induced.

Thanks for your insight, Bro

 

[TryingHarder]

But I don't find other women's tummies to be particularly attractive to me. I certainly don't have a tummy fetish. This being the case, does that mean that my newfound attraction to Shawna's belly is a natural thing? Or am I just developing a new fetish?

I think you just answered your own question.

In my mind, objectification is when men expect women to look a certain way and wear certain clothing or sexy lingerie to make us happy/aroused. In the world of porn and erotica, that's the fantasy. If you're finding your wife's larger tummy attractive, that's probably a good sign for two reasons: 1) that's generally outside of the weird world of porn, where women are slimmer, and 2) it's your wife's tummy, not some girl on the internet.

So if your wife is sensitive to being objectified (understandable) maybe gently point out to her that it's her body you find attractive, not some lingering mindset or weird kink from the porn addiction.

 

[The Tunesmith]

I think you just answered your own question.

In my mind, objectification is when men expect women to look a certain way and wear certain clothing or sexy lingerie to make us happy/aroused. In the world of porn and erotica, that's the fantasy. If you're finding your wife's larger tummy attractive, that's probably a good sign for two reasons: 1) that's generally outside of the weird world of porn, where women are slimmer, and 2) it's your wife's tummy, not some girl on the internet.

So if your wife is sensitive to being objectified (understandable) maybe gently point out to her that it's her body you find attractive, not some lingering mindset or weird kink from the porn addiction.

Thanks man. It is the answer I was hoping for. I will point that out to her, but we are still at the stage where she is suspicious that every thing I say is a smoke screen to placate her. But, I am a patient man. I HAVE to be...

 

[The Tunesmith]

Well. this certainly backfired. It seems (according to those who know best) the simple fact that I would even ask that question just further confirms the fact that I am a disgusting creep, and am not recovering in the least. It seems that asking that question was only a masquerade to indulge my perv and make it look like I was seeking help. Sorry if this caused anyone to stumble.
Persevere

 

[Cassy0110]

It looks like you are just a big fan of your wife, nothing criminal..

 

[The Tunesmith]

It looks like you are just a big fan of your wife, nothing criminal..

Thanks. I am, but she took it as fat shaming, and she ISN'T fat.... I try and try, but I just can't get it right. Oh, she saw the post. She got offended. BADLY offended.

 

[TryingHarder]

Sorry to hear this. As you say, your wife is very sensitive at the moment (understandable) but hopefully she will be more understanding and supportive in the future.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi, Tune. We're sexual beings, but our sexuality simply 'went off the rails' in terms of our being hijacked by an addiction. As Blondie said, our perceptions may have been 'warped' from this- 'pornified' as someone's coined that phrase. But appreciation of a woman's beauty- including her feet- are all natural.

As for objectifying our wives, I personally don't think that's possible. This is part of marriage is being able to 'objectify' each other as an expression of our overall love for each other. As the 'good book' says (1Cor 7) we have no power over our own bodies, but our partner does- in marriage. If that's not objectification, what is?

Sorry for your well intentioned post being misconstrued, hopefully you'll be able to find the support that you deserve.

 

[The Tunesmith]

I agree. And there is a lot to Shawna to admire. She's 45 but can pass for maybe 33 or so. I wont describe her in detail, but even if I say so myself, she is stunning. But that also presents a problem. She has been kind enough to point out (more times than once) how she is too good looking for me. I agree, but I don't need to hear it anymore. But, put on your big boy bloomers Steve. LOL