I'm impressed with anyone doing monk mode with a wife...I did it myself for 90 days once but then went right back, so the 90 day thing is not a universal fix. Now, I am close to my initial 3 month monk mode once again, but this time I am living alone (my wife left this year after a 30 year long marriage)
Monk mode or "hardcore" mode is potentially an enlightening experience. It has taught me so far that I can distance myself from my sexual appetites and still function day to day. Yes, the emotional part can be rough no doubt: anxiety, depression, self doubts etc. but it's all worth it.
The writing is a big deal for me, it's such a release!
I still have an obsession with fantasy about romantic involvement with women, not sexual so much, but more emotional. But again, I am allowing myself to observe this rather than act on it in some way.
Confessing a porn/sex addiction to a wife is a big deal! I did it twenty years ago, and it didn't go well. She probably would have left if it wasn't for the kids. Well, now the kids are adults and she's gone.
The wife being gone is obviously a big plus and takes some of the sexual tension away, she could never measure up to the porn actresses in my fantasy life anyways, the poor woman.
Anyways, onward to recovery and hopefully sobriety!
well.. i think monk mode is a necessity unfortunately. For one, my wife took my disclosure very very hard. It will take time for her to heal. Knowing that I easily looked at other women on porn is a form of cheating to her so she feels betrayed. For that reason she is not ready to have sex with me nor should she until she feels ready. Honestly i think knowing what i know and where i am emotionally, I am not ready to have sex with her until I get myself right, she gets better, and we are better together.
Despite no PMO and no sex, its still easy for me to fantasize which is frustrating. This could be with my wife, or people I know. Fortunately I am not fantasizing about old porn scenes i know.
So yes maybe its impressive so far.
And the other thing is I'm still in a phase where this whole thing is really affecting me as well. I'm in a flatline of sorts still. I can get erections but they're not that often. I'd been dealing with performance anxiety prior to my disclosure too.
Like you, we are together right now for the sake of the kids. She did tell our therapist that she wants to work it out but what that endpoint is, I have no idea whether we can get there or what it will look like.
It pains me to say this, but with my wife having been on the low libido side even before all this, I'm really not sure what a post recovery sex life would look like. I know it seems selfish on my part, but the thought of not having sex again scares me as well.
Its easy for others to say things like "things will work out in the end" but that's where I struggle most. What does working out in the end look like? What if things don't work out? Starting over as a single man 40+ sometimes seems like maybe its better for her, and maybe for me as well. But when I see my kids it tears me up - our kids love us and to see us apart would tear them apart and that's not what I want to do to them.