Nice to have you back. That’s spectacular news about sex being back on the table for you. I realise there are concerns but it’s massive progress. If I read you right, you are hard mode….so no ejaculation in 5 months. How did you/are you coping with that? I am approaching 90 days hard mode and have been through a lot of varieties of hell. Libido issues? Erections?
I repeat, nice to have you back. You inspire.
Yes I am hardcore mode. I have had two weight dreams, one early on which was very large, and a second one which was kind of small/interrupted. I suppose that helps with the physical "pressure" if you will although oddly I've noticed that 5 months in I don't feel the whole feeling of heaviness that I used to get when I was actively acting out and PMO where if I went say a week without release I felt crazy and pressured.
I don't know if this is kind of a flatline thing I am still experiencing. It is nice to not feel like you need relief but its also disconcerting in a way... so many years sex and PMO was what I did, and now that its not been active I'm almost scared to wonder if that part of me even works .
Libido seems to be coming back slowly. Morning erections haven't really been a huge issue. I think my problems are all in my head.. I had been having some PIED before I went and quit PMO. So my last experiences with sex have been rather underwhelming but there were times it was just fine. Again, trying to tell myself its not about me its about being with someone else.
Having said that being told sex may be coming "soon" has also been really messing with my mind. Today in particular, both of us were off early, no kids in house. IN the past this was often the perfect time for us. Today though its clearly not happening and I feel incredibly uncomfortable bringing this up. Seeing as how she has already indicated its happening but on her schedule.
Anyways I kind of in some ways feel it would have just been easier if she had just kept it to herself and instead I would have continued monk mode and been surprised. Now I live in some anticipatory land of anxiety.
Oh well, when I think like this I know its very negative and I try to bring myself back to reality by reminding myself that I was the one who put myself in this situation with years upon years of a second life of porn.
Perhaps this is the wrong way to look at it, but I do in some ways feel this is my penance for my past.
Thanks so much for weighing in on my journal. You inspire too.