Day 0/new member

GrateClips

Active Member
Hi @GrateClips

Nice to have you back. That’s spectacular news about sex being back on the table for you. I realise there are concerns but it’s massive progress. If I read you right, you are hard mode….so no ejaculation in 5 months. How did you/are you coping with that? I am approaching 90 days hard mode and have been through a lot of varieties of hell. Libido issues? Erections?
I repeat, nice to have you back. You inspire.

Yes I am hardcore mode. I have had two weight dreams, one early on which was very large, and a second one which was kind of small/interrupted. I suppose that helps with the physical "pressure" if you will although oddly I've noticed that 5 months in I don't feel the whole feeling of heaviness that I used to get when I was actively acting out and PMO where if I went say a week without release I felt crazy and pressured.

I don't know if this is kind of a flatline thing I am still experiencing. It is nice to not feel like you need relief but its also disconcerting in a way... so many years sex and PMO was what I did, and now that its not been active I'm almost scared to wonder if that part of me even works .

Libido seems to be coming back slowly. Morning erections haven't really been a huge issue. I think my problems are all in my head.. I had been having some PIED before I went and quit PMO. So my last experiences with sex have been rather underwhelming but there were times it was just fine. Again, trying to tell myself its not about me its about being with someone else.

Having said that being told sex may be coming "soon" has also been really messing with my mind. Today in particular, both of us were off early, no kids in house. IN the past this was often the perfect time for us. Today though its clearly not happening and I feel incredibly uncomfortable bringing this up. Seeing as how she has already indicated its happening but on her schedule.

Anyways I kind of in some ways feel it would have just been easier if she had just kept it to herself and instead I would have continued monk mode and been surprised. Now I live in some anticipatory land of anxiety.

Oh well, when I think like this I know its very negative and I try to bring myself back to reality by reminding myself that I was the one who put myself in this situation with years upon years of a second life of porn.

Perhaps this is the wrong way to look at it, but I do in some ways feel this is my penance for my past.

Thanks so much for weighing in on my journal. You inspire too.
 
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GrateClips

Active Member
Feeling a little better. Reading some other journal entries and knowing that others struggle yet we are here to help each other is a way to calm the anger, stress, despair, negative emotion. Providing the service to one another as addicts was mentioned in the SA meeting i attend (well kind of been slacking). I can really see why now.

Goal today: just get through today.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@GrateClips - in all honesty my story is possibly closest to yours than many others and so I read your words with heightened concentration. I also get times (in the last month of my near 3 month complete abstinence) where I am not bursting, no blue balls at all despite libido normal, and I wonder if it’s just the brain again or something uncontrollable and scary.

Whist I envy you for the advance you;ve had for sex (and it came from your wife, so it’s double points!), I do empathise for your wait. Must drive you to distraction.

You remain one of my key inspirations. Glad you’re back on. No pressure if you step away again by the way.
 

GrateClips

Active Member
@GrateClips - in all honesty my story is possibly closest to yours than many others and so I read your words with heightened concentration. I also get times (in the last month of my near 3 month complete abstinence) where I am not bursting, no blue balls at all despite libido normal, and I wonder if it’s just the brain again or something uncontrollable and scary.

Whist I envy you for the advance you;ve had for sex (and it came from your wife, so it’s double points!), I do empathise for your wait. Must drive you to distraction.

You remain one of my key inspirations. Glad you’re back on. No pressure if you step away again by the way.
Sent you a private message @GBS
 

GrateClips

Active Member
Day 160 (give or take)

A tough day. I think my wife finally started doing some deep diving into her own recovery and it hit her pretty hard. It feels like a step back day today but we will continue on our recovery.

she was honest in saying that she wasn't ready for sex last week, and she's not ready for sex for the foreseeable future. and truth be told i don't think i'm in the right headspace either. i mean i really want to on a certain level but if she's not ready then i'm not going to be ready either.

on the plus side i'm really becoming aware of my inner selfishness and lack of empathy when it comes to our relationship. i grew up in a basically dysfunctional household with parents in a loveless marriage. my template of how a man/wife interact growing up was grossly distorted. i still learn constantly about what makes a good relationship.

things looked down today but i am sober today, sober all these days, and i will regroup tomorrow. this is more me telling myself than truly believing it, but while i miss sex, sex does not define me.
 

Jlied

Active Member
Thanks for posting this. I feel a lot of your comments hit home for me. I grew up in a home where my parents stayed together but the first 12-13 years of my life my father was an alcoholic, my parents rarely exhibited a marriage of affection or love. My dad always slept in the couch, he’d say it’s cause he wanted to sleep with a fan but my mom was always too cold. As an adult I now see this as my mom not wanting to share a bed with him when he drank. Even when he got sober they rarely modeled a loving relationship. And even when he was sober did he get involved much with the family. He pretty much came home from work and zoned out in tv. I didnt have a close relationship with my dad and when he did pay attention to me I loved it but it wasn’t that often. It took me a long time to realize how to be a good husband and father. I thought that just by being home I was sufficient enough. But admittedly i always preferred to do things in my own. To this day I still feel more comfortable by myself than in a group setting. Sometime I feel I’m more authentically myself when I’m not at home and that sucks. But I have made strides. I enjoy my family. I miss them when I travel for work. I still need my own time, but I’m much more present. marriage is an ever evolving dynamic, constant growth is required to make sure that we stay connected. I’ve always worried what we’ll be like when our kids eventually leave the house. I know my wife and I have plans for the future when the kids leave but I also worry that maybe when they are gone we will have forgotten how to live together. Like are the kids the binding agent that keeps us together? I personally feel that the reason she chose to stay after she found out about my double life is because we had young kids. Part of it was she didn’t want to lion like a failure to everyone else. So I do worry that she’s suppressed too much to keep the family intact that once they are fine things may bubble back up. I hope the growth we’ve made together shows her that we are made for each other and that doesn’t happen.

i remember her telling me that there were times she would have sex with me even though she was repulsed by my habits (back when I was actively looking at porn). She’d have sex with em when she wasn’t even interested in it just to keep me from looking at it. When she told me that I was gutted. I never wanted her to feel like she had to do that, I never wanted to make her feel like….for lack of a better word whore herself out to me just to feel seen and make me see her. So many times she did that and I didn’t even know that’s how she felt. I’ll never be able to comprehend how women are able to have such a capacity for live to those who aren’t deserving. To this day it makes me emotional.

I hate what I did. I hate that she felt the need to compete, to go against her will, to suppress her feelings. Nothing has made me feel lower and dirtier than when she told me that. I don’t care what anyone says, women are stronger than men, roles reversed I’m not sure anyone of us would be willing or capable to put up with what our wives have put up with for us. If I do nothing else I want her to know she’s lived and appreciated. I hope that I will never again make her feel so low.

thank you for your post today. You’ve stirred emotions in me that I needed to express.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@GrateClips - at the heart of your progress is honesty and communication. Those have to be the best 2 bedrocks. As depressing (mildly or otherwise) as the hold up in sex progress is, I was heartened by what you wrote. It would be worse to have resentful sex. Also your own recognition of the need for more empathy is insightful.

I think I have, as immodest as this sounds, been top class at empathy and whilst it hasn’t generated sex yet, not that that’s the gecall and end all, it has helped massively. Good luck my friend.
 

GrateClips

Active Member
It took me a long time to realize how to be a good husband and father. I thought that just by being home I was sufficient enough. But admittedly i always preferred to do things in my own. To this day I still feel more comfortable by myself than in a group setting. Sometime I feel I’m more authentically myself when I’m not at home and that sucks. But I have made strides. I enjoy my family. I miss them when I travel for work. I still need my own time, but I’m much more present. marriage is an ever evolving dynamic, constant growth is required to make sure that we stay connected. I’ve always worried what we’ll be like when our kids eventually leave the house. I know my wife and I have plans for the future when the kids leave but I also worry that maybe when they are gone we will have forgotten how to live together. Like are the kids the binding agent that keeps us together? I personally feel that the reason she chose to stay after she found out about my double life is because we had young kids. Part of it was she didn’t want to lion like a failure to everyone else. So I do worry that she’s suppressed too much to keep the family intact that once they are fine things may bubble back up. I hope the growth we’ve made together shows her that we are made for each other and that doesn’t happen.

i remember her telling me that there were times she would have sex with me even though she was repulsed by my habits (back when I was actively looking at porn). She’d have sex with em when she wasn’t even interested in it just to keep me from looking at it. When she told me that I was gutted. I never wanted her to feel like she had to do that, I never wanted to make her feel like….for lack of a better word whore herself out to me just to feel seen and make me see her. So many times she did that and I didn’t even know that’s how she felt. I’ll never be able to comprehend how women are able to have such a capacity for live to those who aren’t deserving. To this day it makes me emotional.

I'm glad you felt a stirring. my entry yesterday was very short but also necessary from me, for me, but i'm really glad it provided a service to you.

My counselor says that for me, growing up lonely in my household with my dysfunctionally emotional parents, I learned how to self soothe, keep my mind busy, and not be bothered by boredom. Heck boredom wasn't bad - it sure beat a lot of the alternatives when it came to interacting w/ my parents.

Porn and masturbation is an extension of self soothing. In porn I felt "connected" to a woman and I got a release through MO. Because I grew up emotionally lonely, I could easily insert myself into the role of the man in the porn act and be that guy. I know a lot of porn users trend in more niche type areas but all I ever really liked watching were things where it seemed the man and woman were really into each other. Basically I just wanted to feel a part of something.

Its ironic then that upon actually being in a real marriage and now with kids, I, up until recently when I became sober, never actually entered the reality of my relationship. As you put it, relationships are dynamic. My wife and I both changed, but I wanted her to stay in our dating phase, when we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

Like you, my wife has in the past had sex because she felt pressure to do so.. and even worse, she did it because she felt it would save our marriage. I agree it hurts to hear that but it was necessary to hear it.

I think the only way I can have sex again, is in a healthy way, where its because we both want to.
 
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