hello, yes sir. I am here. Still sober. Went on a no log on stretch there.
Month 7 sober, approaching month 8 soon.
Its been a pretty hectic stressful end of the year. But I stayed sober, and did not cave in. Admittedly there were some urges and small voices in the back of my head asking why I am putting myself through this. I can honestly say that while I never got terribly close to acting out and PMO, I did question why life is better this way.
Right now I am prioritizing trying to manage general stress and also managing my relationship with my daughter, who is entering a rebellious phase. Learning to let go, pick battles, not raise my voice are all difficult when it comes to a child who can be great at times, and a giant pain the others.
I think what sucks is that without sex/physical intimacy in my relationship it makes me feel more alone and I have less of a safe space. But I know my wife has her own recovery as I have mentioned here before and I can only do what I can do.
I think I am still in a flatline too of sorts. I had a wet dream a couple nights ago which was a welcome release but it never lasts of course, and I'm wired to wonder when my next release will be. I reflect upon years and years of porn and masturbation. I think my brain was constantly feeling "horny" because of regularly feeding it material to feed my addiction.
Without that regular PMO, I think my brain is still struggling to cope to life without it. Not just with stress and such but in terms of dopamine hits and such. Its almost like my brain was being propped up by years of PMO and now that support is gone and I've kind of been in this fog ever since.
On days like this, all I can do is just do one day at a time.
"Without that regular PMO, I think my brain is still struggling to cope to life without it. Not just with stress and such but in terms of dopamine hits and such. Its almost like my brain was being propped up by years of PMO and now that support is gone and I've kind of been in this fog ever since."
I realized I am a very results oriented person who always wants to get over the journey very quickly. This invariably made me unable to enjoy or appreciate the process, especially if I am dependent on big dopamine kicks to keep me going.
Andrew Huberman detailed that it is important to learn to draw dopamine during the effort. That the journey is far greater than the outcome.
This I believe involved slowing down, reflecting, gratifying and letting go. My mantra now is "we're all gonna die one day, so why be so hard on everything and everyone. I can make do with what I have and appreciate the journey"
I hope you too can learn to draw happiness and satisfaction in your daily life, however small. And even if the sum total is just a little more positive than negative, it accumulates and life in general gets better.
It really is a two-part process of taking PMO out of your life and a need to re-fill your life with other positive, affirming actions and experiences. @TakeActionNow says it well when noting we need to "learn to draw happiness and satisfaction in your daily life, however, small." For me it has been making an effort to be much more proactive vs. reactive in my daily life. And one day at a time has been a great mantra for me. It focuses my attention on the present.
Hi @GrateClips - really missed you. Tell you why. Like a couple of others on here I think your situation mirrors mine and I read your prose sometimes thinking “that’s me too” so I probably hang on what you say a fair bit. The not having a safe space thing and feeling lonely is something I definitely identify with.
Anyway glad you’re back. Keep going. I will stop pestering you.