How my lightbulb illuminated. An addiction story

nhfriend

New Member
November 2020: I was sitting in the breakroom after a long shift at work and decided to video
chat my wife and kids. I know they talked about their day and what was for dinner, but I don’t
remember any of that. I know the kids were playing in the background while I talked to my wife,
but I don’t remember what they were doing. My eyes were trying too hard not to look at what my
wife was wearing, and my mind was trying too hard not to imagine what was underneath. I
constantly replayed the conversation I imagined us having in bed later that night. We hung up,
and it slowly dawned on me that all the things a loving husband and father should be excited
about, had started to feel like a chore.

Out of desperation, I tried doing some web searches to understand what I was feeling. After
several dead ends, I found the term “porn addiction”, which led me down a rabbit hole that
proceeded to change the direction of my life, forever.

My parents had always favoured my older brother. On some level, I was aware I was somewhat
neglected. He was the jock, I was the quiet stutterer. That something came along at age nine. We got illegal cable. And one night, around 10pm, I woke up to find my dad watching something quietly in the living room. Through the hallway, I could see the pornography he was watching on the television.


I found out later that my dad often watches pornography late at night. And so, it became a
nightly routine for me to get up once everyone was asleep to get up and catch a sneak peek.

At 11, as is everyone else’s experience, we discovered “the magic bush” in the park that
spawned a hardcore magazine my friend and I shared every other week. I started masturbating.
By age 14, I was masturbating 3-5 times a day. Then we got a computer with a high-speed
internet connection. I also met my first girlfriend, who is now my wife. You can see where this is
Going.

I eventually finished school, having no idea what I wanted to do in life. I had average grades, no
motivation, no ambition and two part time jobs. I was passionate about poker, but this, and my
potential to succeed, was completely diminished by my addiction.
At 21, my father passed away in a traumatic way. He died in our family home, while myself and
my brother gave CPR. I thought I was coping well, but in reality, porn was doing this for me. I
didn’t realise this at the time, but this is where my porn addiction really escalated and spiralled
out of control.

I started watching more perverse and hardcore material. I developed a specific fetish that I
would binge watch for hours on end. When that wasn’t enough, I introduced it into real life with
my partner. She hated it and thought it was disgusting, but occasionally played along to satisfy
my fantasy. If she didn’t want to role play, I would just imagine and fantasise in my head, then
watch porn after we finished because I wasn’t satisfied. However, it was never enough. The role
play always needed to be more. Our sex life became purely about me getting off, rather than
two people’s physical and emotional connection. I neglected my wife’s needs for my own selfish
fantasies. I would initiate sex lazily, not even caring whether we did or not, because I knew that
porn was sitting there once she went to bed. This went on for years.

In 2020 after our second child, my wife went into a severe depressive state, because of her
isolation from the world thanks to COVID, but also because of my shortcomings as a husband
and father. She eventually came out the end and her libido went through the roof. We started
having sex multiple times a day. One day, we started talking about my fantasies and she said
she was keen to give it a go. I was rattled and shocked at the suggestion. I suddenly realised I
was disgusted at the idea of my wife actually enjoying my fantasy. Which led to confusion and
the onslaught of a million questions. Why do I feel like this when my wife suggests it, but when I
get urges, I feel intense arousal? How can I feel disgusted despite having non-stop sexual
thoughts? Why do I still feel like being a father and a husband is chore?

The next day, I searched all over the web for answers to these questions. I eventually opened a
web page titled “signs you may have a porn addiction”. I checked off every symptom listed.
Sneaking away from my wife to watch porn? Check. Losing track of time? Check. Loss of
interest in sex? Check. Spending hours watching porn? Easy check. Oh. My. God.
Those next few days I spent hours on the computer. But I didn’t watch a single second of
pornography. I was reading other people’s stories and experiences. I came across
yourbrainonporn.com from Gary Wilson (RIP) who become somewhat of a hero to me. Over the
next few weeks, I stopped the porn and started working out at the gym, quit alcohol, found other
hobbies, and finally started really interacting with my family. The change I felt in myself was
almost instant. After just a couple of weeks without porn, my mood improved, my brain fog
dissipated. I had motivation and ambition.

I’d been battling a serious porn addiction for almost 20 years. Now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever
been. My wife and kids believe the change is night and day. No longer am I in auto pilot. I know
I would’ve lost my family if I continued the way I was. I still have my tough days and relapses,
but I continue to stay on course. After what I’ve been through, I’ve made it my responsibility to
help others. I see other people within my friend circle struggle with mental health and porn. I
believe there is an epidemic of pornography addiction among young men like myself and they
have absolutely no idea. I know I didn’t. I hope my story can help others, as many other stories
have helped me.
 
thanks for your story.
i got a chuckle out of the 'magic bush.' seems you are older like me, and thus, the discovery of the first time you see a naked woman in a Playboy or Penthouse is quite different than what a young person discovers today in the Internet. Things were more tasteful back then; I'm not condoning porn b/c my first experience with old porn tasteful or not led me to where I am today but I can see why sexual dysfunctions were probably less issue back then than they are today... today's porn is just way too much.

any ways congrats and thx for sharing. keep up the good work. don't let up.
 

Gardenzio

Member
Hi nhfriend. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's a huge story. You had a courage to open up and talk about the addiction.

My story is a bit similar to yours. I was introduced to porn through my father, unfortunately, as sad as it may seem. Yes, it was my father who first showed me P when I was maybe 10 or 11, at his work. I don't blame him anymore about it... Today I understand probably he would like to show me what is to be man like, but in the worst way possible. Today I also understand he gave me his best as a father with the conditions he had in that moment and again I don't blame him for it.

By thw way, I glad to hear from you your marriege currently is recovered, you love your wife and your family and you're feeling better with yourself, and that speaks volume.

Your story helps us to build our journey and understand we are not alone facing our struggles.

All the best for you. Take care.
 
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