Here we Go...

Furboy01

Member
Hey guys. I'm new here, and just wanted to try to find a community to help me manage this problem.

... I've been stuck on porn for a while now, and the addiction to it is really losing control. It actually began after I was taken advantage of, and I guess I went down this route because I wanted a sense of control over what I was doing since I didn't have any control before.
But then things got really out of hand and I feel extremely insecure about how things all panned out because of it.
Which brings me to my attempts at quitting porn. I feel like I couldn't talk to anyone about my issues, because either I wasn't believed or taken seriously; so I've tried quitting on my own several times. But after a few weeks I got stuck again. I'm hoping this time that I quit that I can just keep a support group that can really help me steer my way out of this vicious cycle, and get my self control back.
Thanks in advance!
 

Ezel

Active Member
welcome furboy, joining this awesome community will be the first step that will get you on track towards leaving porn and getting back your self-control. I congratulate you on doing that.

feel free to share with us your story and what are you dealing with when it comes to battling porn through journaling. yes, there are a lot of ways you can use journaling, besides the ones I already mentioned. you can track your progress every day and make it a habit to write whatever comes to your mind in your journal. after all it is your journal do with it whatever you like.

but the important thing is just to start, like I said I encourage you to start journaling every day and track your progress through it. it will benefit you in so many ways man. not to forget all the support, advice, and encouragement you will get from all the members.

one last thing I would recommend is reading your brain on porn by Gary Wilson, for us rebooters it is our holy book. it will get you to understand what are you going into and what to expect and the enemy you are fighting. I could not recommend this book enough, I highly encourage you to read it.

welcome my man, and looking forward to reading your journal and your journey in battling porn.

good luck and bon voyage.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Welcome Furboy, and joining this forum was a smart move. 99% of guys try to beat a porn addiction alone and with little or no support.

I found your comments about having a sense of control interesting, since I was trapped in that same negative mindset with the porn addiction. PMO gives us a warped sense of control, but it's all bullshit. The addiction has control over you! It is a vicious cycle, and you're on the right track to regain your self control.
 

Furboy01

Member
I just wanted to thank you guys again for your thoughts. Honestly, I dunno if I can express everything, but I'll do the best I can to journal it out.

... I've honestly been introduced to porn at a very early age. But I guess after that it stayed in my imagination. Then my family situation got depressingly complicated, got moved to another state and blah blah blah. I didn't start getting into watching it with pictures until after I got into furries, and me being an avid furry, I thought it was awesome. I loved drawing them, I had my own tail and stuff together, and I would wear it allot. But when I found the pictures of them getting it on, or even just the pictures of female furries (and when I started to feel like the women in the community at the time were just trash and not what I wanted anymore) I wanted to shift my thoughts to only those kinds of characters. I felt like even a person in a fur suit wouldn't be able to compare to any of the women I was looking at.
So then my mindset became "the people I feel love, infatuation, and hormones over are in a whole other reality."

Thus began the nose dive into falling in love with them and choosing a fantasy over people in general. I was honestly fine with that. But being where I was abused everyday took it's toll, so I kept running away. One day though, when I was on my own, I was extremely tired, hungry, and broke while fending for myself. A guy noticed me falling asleep on the train, ragged clothes and all, and offered me to sleep over at his place to recoup and eat something. Now, any knowing person out there probably knows that it's a bad idea to trust strangers or to follow them anywhere, but honestly I couldn't steal, I hadn't eaten in the past 3 days save for a bag of sour Skittles and water from the fountain of a library, so I wanted to eat something and I wanted to eat, and sleep, right then. ... That was one of the worst mistakes of my life, and not only that, but I hardly got anything to really count as a meal, and hardly ate what I got because I just didn't feel okay to eat anything anymore. Told the police, and though at first they were going to do something, other officers didn't believe me, and they dropped the case and sent me back to the people who used to abuse me until eventually I earned the freedom of getting into a program that could help me emancipate.

Fast forward 2 years, my perceptions of furryism changed within my porn watching when I felt like I wanted revenge for everything that happened. When the revenge came I decided that taking an approach with the other side of the furry community would make me feel like I could just cope with whatever happened, and at this time went through breaking up with my ex for another girl. However, the girl I was with didn't believe there was such thing as control over a fantasy in the porn realm, and if you ever tried it, you basically were just repressing "what you really wanted the whole time." After noting her view of that, I actually picked up a little more on self harm. I almost succeeded in killing myself, but instead of letting myself bleed out on the floor, I decided not to, and kept lying to the doctors and everyone else about it ever since.

After that I decided to just internally battle my way through just quitting porn on my own over and over again because it would always be that guilt in the back of my mind even if it had nothing but furry women involved. I lost interest in therapy because I kept repeating my story with 3 people, and all of them left for 1 reason or another.
So then my mindset became "therapy won't work because when you start to get a piece of the puzzle and start correcting some of your problems, they'll leave you, and replace themselves so that everyone can laugh at how much of a loser you are." I stopped therapy after that.

I didn't really believe in having too many friends anymore after my ex cheated on me with my best friend, so then with my porn addiction going out of control, and predominantly girls trying to be my friends only to want something more when I'm taken made me feel like I just can't have friends.
So then my mindset became "either I become an open door for any girl, or I just deal with the fact that I'll be alone for a very long time while in a relationship, because guys will betray or use you, and girls want either sex, money, a relationship, or all 3."

It didn't help either that one of my exes was literally hacking into everything that I had just to follow me and say horrible shit about me AND sabotage my future relationships all because she cheated on me with a guy who had mental limitations while she was in the bathroom with him. Because of that I started looking into VPNs and stopped sharing as much about myself almost entirely. But I couldn't run away from that forever because life's kinda a game of give and take where in order to get help, you have to give your story to people so they know what to help you with.
To this day I'm still very conflicted because of this, and am on edge with everything. Also I am dealing with women who still want a relationship with me while I'm taken, but I still want to try to make them friends only, and would like to make any activity one that is not involving anything that would normally be done if you were in a relationship with that person. But honestly in the back of my mind, I don't trust them, and I'm ready to just give up and just act like they don't exist all together (even if I work with one of them) because again, I feel like I really do just have to stick to being alone in order to handle anything in my life whatsoever.

But that's whatever. Due to having major depression among other things, I developed hypersexuality which has given me an even harder time trying to contain and control something such as porn. I can still be intimate with my partner, And even achieve an orgasm, but often times I'll still feel a connection to a fantasy as well because I feel like (again):
"The people I have feelings for, besides the person in this reality, are not real. They are in a dimension where I can never see them, never touch them, and never even talk to them."

So that's pretty much the gist of my story. I'll try to keep up a journal of it, but I'm not certain if I should start the journal with just the start of the day, or while I'm feeling my hormones rage. But I'll try both if all else fails.
 
Last edited:

Furboy01

Member
Day 2: Acknowledging pain without pleasure

So since I began my journey without utilizing any porn, I started to think about why I used to use it instead of why I wanted to stop. By this I mean I was researching myself to see what exactly porn "helped" me cope with and handle currently.

The answers were to avoid past trauma, to get over feeling unheard by my SO (or even if I am heard because I snap, I just get her trying to use things from the past against me to make me feel like shit so I stop judging her, but essentially she can try to judge me whenever and get mad if I don't take her advice while she blatantly refuses to take mine or sometimes doesn't follow up with what we agree on), and to get through my constant thoughts of depression and suicide.

By handling these emotions and feelings head on without porn, and fighting to still go to the gym, go to school, go to work, and work on trying to fix up finances, I started to refuse to use porn. It made me start to use some cigarettes again. I hid them from her so I could calm myself down without triggering her to relapse on her journey. Side story: she quit tobacco, and I quit marijuana which was awesome because marijuana increases my hypersexual tendencies and therefore makes porn more intense, and more relaxing once I reach the aftermath; but not only did quitting help regulate that, my mind started to repair itself as well and some of my memory returned. I'm currently on nootropics to see if I can speed up this process and further create the mental tenacity to keep refusing porn and fighting these feelings of exhaustion and pain one on one.

But yeah. I just feel like I give up on trying to talk to allot of people or respond to them. They start to see me as acting different, but the truth is I've always been the same. I'm just not trying to give my heart out to anyone anymore because this city is known for filling hearts with poisonous negativity, and even being with someone who was born from this town and adopting some of those characteristics without any way of using different methods to handle serious problems can be too much for me to handle on my own. I have no family support. I have no friends. And even if I have people that I call friends, I usually use that term loosely because I don't feel like I can trust anyone. Somehow porn helped me let loose from being uptight, but now that I'm embracing my being uptight, I'm learning how to love and defend myself, because no one can love me better than I can.
 

Furboy01

Member
Day 2: Acknowledging pain without pleasure

So since I began my journey without utilizing any porn, I started to think about why I used to use it instead of why I wanted to stop. By this I mean I was researching myself to see what exactly porn "helped" me cope with and handle currently.

The answers were to avoid past trauma, to get over feeling unheard by my SO (or even if I am heard because I snap, I just get her trying to use things from the past against me to make me feel like shit so I stop judging her, but essentially she can try to judge me whenever and get mad if I don't take her advice while she blatantly refuses to take mine or sometimes doesn't follow up with what we agree on), and to get through my constant thoughts of depression and suicide.

By handling these emotions and feelings head on without porn, and fighting to still go to the gym, go to school, go to work, and work on trying to fix up finances, I started to refuse to use porn. It made me start to use some cigarettes again. I hid them from her so I could calm myself down without triggering her to relapse on her journey. Side story: she quit tobacco, and I quit marijuana which was awesome because marijuana increases my hypersexual tendencies and therefore makes porn more intense, and more relaxing once I reach the aftermath; but not only did quitting help regulate that, my mind started to repair itself as well and some of my memory returned. I'm currently on nootropics to see if I can speed up this process and further create the mental tenacity to keep refusing porn and fighting these feelings of exhaustion and pain one on one.

But yeah. I just feel like I give up on trying to talk to allot of people or respond to them. They start to see me as acting different, but the truth is I've always been the same. I'm just not trying to give my heart out to anyone anymore because this city is known for filling hearts with poisonous negativity, and even being with someone who was born from this town and adopting some of those characteristics without any way of using different methods to handle serious problems can be too much for me to handle on my own. I have no family support. I have no friends. And even if I have people that I call friends, I usually use that term loosely because I don't feel like I can trust anyone. Somehow porn helped me let loose from being uptight, but now that I'm embracing my being uptight, I'm learning how to love and defend myself, because no one can love me better than I can.
Night 2. I wasn't picked up or talked to for the rest of today. Insecurity tells me she's doing something wrong or she just doesn't care. My strong will to love tells me she's just asleep and made this mistake again, so I should forgive her. I had urges to relapse due to my anger severely getting out of control over this, and before I started walking back, I cut myself by accident which triggered PTSD. Even amidst this, I will refuse porn. There was a book I think called mastery that said whenever we set out to do healthy changes, we're met with severe resistance. Resistance isn't something you can see. It's an enemy that hides in you. Around you. I'm your environment. In people within the environment. In stores. In churches. In many vast places. But you must fight it from within, and it will be a fight that can last from a few hours to over a decade in time.
In this case, resistance has sought me out. And that devil is pissed that I'm trying to correct my life.
 

Furboy01

Member
Night 2. I wasn't picked up or talked to for the rest of today. Insecurity tells me she's doing something wrong or she just doesn't care. My strong will to love tells me she's just asleep and made this mistake again, so I should forgive her. I had urges to relapse due to my anger severely getting out of control over this, and before I started walking back, I cut myself by accident which triggered PTSD. Even amidst this, I will refuse porn. There was a book I think called ego is the enemy, that said whenever we set out to do healthy changes, we're met with severe resistance. Resistance isn't something you can see. It's an enemy that hides in you. Around you. In your environment. In people within the environment. In stores. In churches. In many vast places. But you must fight it from within, and it will be a fight that can last from a few hours to over a decade in time.
In this case, resistance has sought me out. And that devil is pissed that I'm trying to correct my life.
 

Furboy01

Member
Day 3: Controlling Uncontrolled Anger

So I'm not insecure anymore. But also I don't care either. At night, it was indeed sleep, but rather than truthfully feel bad or get annoyed, or even express anything, I stayed placid. But this morning, I just ended up withdrawing and holding in allot of what I wanted to say just to end up getting stressed out from what happened right after. I wasn't told anything about what was going to happen with her in the future, but she'll be more than happy to talk about my goals and stuff with me. She didn't have to tell me everything, but it would've been nice to know that if you're just going to vacate from doing whatever, it would help me prepare for it and also express my opinions. But again I feel like I can't express those, not only due to them coming out wrong just for things of the past that have nothing to do with this situation to be used against me, but also because even if I say them any other way, it'll get ignored. Trying this time not to smoke. Honestly I would use porn as a way of just not letting anyone or anything get me down, but this time I've gotten myself to a point where I just don't care anymore about that because even if I would feel good from a drug like that, like most drugs (although they say this is healthier) it wears off after a while. I don't know what to do. Was going to chill with a friend but I might just cancel and cut them off too. I don't even know why. Maybe I'm just still in boiling rage and just releasing it anywhere I please. Maybe this is actually a good thing. I just don't know anymore. I still have a knife in my backpack, and I sometimes still have passing thoughts about using it on myself. But for now, I just don't have the energy for even that right now.
 

Furboy01

Member
Day 6: The relapse

So 2 days ago, I caught COVID, despite following all the rules, wearing a mask, washing and sanitizing, the works. She did help me for a while and I told her I appreciate it, but I was frustrated because due to this, despite the fact that I legit have no symptoms, I can't go anywhere, and I've been trapped in one part of the house for a very long time.

So after having what was a good day, I had errors with my network again, and wanted to at least try to wear a mask and gloves so I can just talk to someone in the store to get my account pin in order to transfer over to the next carrier over the phone and connect here (with all of you at RN) as well as elsewhere in order to continue trying to get through my issues. She kept reminding and reiterating I can't go anywhere. By this time I stopped getting ready to go and started talking out how I'm really sick and tired of being in one place all day. (Literally, I've been sleeping in the couch while she has the room, because I wanted her to have a place with good sleep quality, and I can't do anything too much in the house altogether)

Then she tells me it's part of the rules or whatever. I said I know that, you told me that time and time again, but even still it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
... Then she tells me once more that we just have to follow the rules in order to get through this. By this time I've had it and I said at an assertive tone, we need to stop talking about this right now, because I'm going to start yelling about it, because this information is not helpful, whenever I have a problem, you always try to repeat the same shit to me over and over again, and you even do it with work, but you can talk about your job to the T, and I've never done that to you, so I'll say right now, we need to drop it, because this is not gonna work.
.... What do you guys think happened? Of course she has to mention it again. And if course I yelled about how I don't wanna deal with this anymore. Of course I cried about not being able to hold her, help carry groceries, or do anything since this started.
... Her response? "I don't appreciate you talking to me like that. I bust my ass here too. And I have to go to work tomorrow." Well, you should take the day off for yourself then so you can recoup and recover. "That's what my off days are for." Well the mother fuckers at your job keep leaving you with double the work that you complain to me about because they leave for their boyfriends and for unimportant shit, but you mean to tell me they're more important than you that you can't have your own personal days off, you can't leave them with the work for a change, you can't just put your job down for a second? I ask you to take a day off for yourself, and you don't even have to spend 30 minutes out of that day for me, let alone 8 hours, we don't have to do shit together, and you won't do it, but your manager tells you to work outside your availability, and you dive head first into it after we had a whole discussion about how not only it affects you, but it affects my ability to get things done too, and you'll still do it? Why do you do that? No answer. I tell her that she chooses not to even though she's stronger than that, and it's terrible. Somehow all this made me the bad guy and ruined her day and she hasn't talked to me since. So not only did I relapse on porn, but I also did some cutting to bleed away my love for her. It just feels like she'll put a job above me and above herself, and that job doesn't give a shit about her, the manager doesn't show appreciation, and tries to talk about everyone including her, and the environment there is shit. So since she wants to live in shit and stay distant from me, it seems that without friends and without family, I will relapse on not 1, but 2 bad habits until I either get over this shit, or I fall asleep forever. If I do come back, I'll be starting at day 1 again after this.
 

Furboy01

Member
Day 1: Rebirth.

I decided to try to fight again today. I did extensive research on why exactly my stress gets to such a point where I don't care. I think maybe this kind of war is a war where you have to have a lot more hope than stress. You have to let your depression go even if you're diagnosed with that and more. And you have to keep trying to give yourself (and no one else too much) a chance to be the best you can be, and reward yourself when you do. Maybe with gym. Maybe with a movie. A run in the park. I plan on trying these and more to work through my storm. Hopefully all goes well. Let's try again.
 

Furboy01

Member
Day 2: Regrowth
Today I found new solutions to getting out of here. I decided to put my everything into us being us, and stop trying to stay grounded around anyone else. I think it comes down to sacrificing life in order to be successful, and sacrificing things that make you feel good in order to create something that make makes you feel great.

I am still scared I suppose. But I recognize that fear and still choose to have hope in the end. I'm back to the gym, back to studying, and trying harder than last time to overcome everything that used to break me down.

I quit cigarettes entirely, and instead of using my blades to carve my body, I use them to carve my art and work on more gym stuff.

In a brief self reflection, I think the real reason I was trapped here was because I wanted to change everything. I felt like my life was over and that I just wasn't happy with anything because I've gone through so much. But I think that's what running out of hope does to people in this specific city. I mean, just to sit there and get a new position, I had to get angry and keeping a sharp tone and repetitive message just to change from a position that made me uncomfortable. When you're around depressing, discomforted, and/or hopeless people, you become hopeless only if you let them make you lose sight of your future and you drop your hope deliberately.

I find that talking about my hope and purposes makes me more inclined to act on, progress at, and be more successful in them, because it's turning into a focus point, kind of like a sketch piece. Even though no one else is by your side to help guide, influence, or even spectate your art, you have to keep drawing and believing it's going to be something great. C'est la vie.

Thanks again for those who continue to have hope. We can overcome this eventually.
 

Furboy01

Member
Day 3: Investment

So I decided to start reinvesting, and for the first time got back into the gym with my SO. I talked over allot with her and I decided within myself to let go of everything that upset me, as well as to trust her fully and let go of my own past transgressions.
With that done, I continued to get meal prep and work done. Even took up reading think and grow rich again, which shocked me because I actually didn't like reading, but now I'm invested.

I dunno where I'm headed, but I know I'm on a solid path now. Say cheers and keep a candle lit for me just in case.
 

Furboy01

Member
Day 5: checking in

How's it going guys? I just wanted to thank everyone who might've stopped by to check on me, and I wanted to make sure I still came back to make an update on my journey. Things have gotten tough, but little by little, I'm trying harder than last time even still to keep my hope alive. For now, things are at a standstill, but I am still moving forward. More updates tonight on my way home from work.
 
Day 5: checking in

How's it going guys? I just wanted to thank everyone who might've stopped by to check on me, and I wanted to make sure I still came back to make an update on my journey. Things have gotten tough, but little by little, I'm trying harder than last time even still to keep my hope alive. For now, things are at a standstill, but I am still moving forward. More updates tonight on my way home from work.
Keep on going! Glad your doing good. btw I’m doing good
 
Top