I just wanted to thank you guys again for your thoughts. Honestly, I dunno if I can express everything, but I'll do the best I can to journal it out.
... I've honestly been introduced to porn at a very early age. But I guess after that it stayed in my imagination. Then my family situation got depressingly complicated, got moved to another state and blah blah blah. I didn't start getting into watching it with pictures until after I got into furries, and me being an avid furry, I thought it was awesome. I loved drawing them, I had my own tail and stuff together, and I would wear it allot. But when I found the pictures of them getting it on, or even just the pictures of female furries (and when I started to feel like the women in the community at the time were just trash and not what I wanted anymore) I wanted to shift my thoughts to only those kinds of characters. I felt like even a person in a fur suit wouldn't be able to compare to any of the women I was looking at.
So then my mindset became "the people I feel love, infatuation, and hormones over are in a whole other reality."
Thus began the nose dive into falling in love with them and choosing a fantasy over people in general. I was honestly fine with that. But being where I was abused everyday took it's toll, so I kept running away. One day though, when I was on my own, I was extremely tired, hungry, and broke while fending for myself. A guy noticed me falling asleep on the train, ragged clothes and all, and offered me to sleep over at his place to recoup and eat something. Now, any knowing person out there probably knows that it's a bad idea to trust strangers or to follow them anywhere, but honestly I couldn't steal, I hadn't eaten in the past 3 days save for a bag of sour Skittles and water from the fountain of a library, so I wanted to eat something and I wanted to eat, and sleep, right then. ... That was one of the worst mistakes of my life, and not only that, but I hardly got anything to really count as a meal, and hardly ate what I got because I just didn't feel okay to eat anything anymore. Told the police, and though at first they were going to do something, other officers didn't believe me, and they dropped the case and sent me back to the people who used to abuse me until eventually I earned the freedom of getting into a program that could help me emancipate.
Fast forward 2 years, my perceptions of furryism changed within my porn watching when I felt like I wanted revenge for everything that happened. When the revenge came I decided that taking an approach with the other side of the furry community would make me feel like I could just cope with whatever happened, and at this time went through breaking up with my ex for another girl. However, the girl I was with didn't believe there was such thing as control over a fantasy in the porn realm, and if you ever tried it, you basically were just repressing "what you really wanted the whole time." After noting her view of that, I actually picked up a little more on self harm. I almost succeeded in killing myself, but instead of letting myself bleed out on the floor, I decided not to, and kept lying to the doctors and everyone else about it ever since.
After that I decided to just internally battle my way through just quitting porn on my own over and over again because it would always be that guilt in the back of my mind even if it had nothing but furry women involved. I lost interest in therapy because I kept repeating my story with 3 people, and all of them left for 1 reason or another.
So then my mindset became "therapy won't work because when you start to get a piece of the puzzle and start correcting some of your problems, they'll leave you, and replace themselves so that everyone can laugh at how much of a loser you are." I stopped therapy after that.
I didn't really believe in having too many friends anymore after my ex cheated on me with my best friend, so then with my porn addiction going out of control, and predominantly girls trying to be my friends only to want something more when I'm taken made me feel like I just can't have friends.
So then my mindset became "either I become an open door for any girl, or I just deal with the fact that I'll be alone for a very long time while in a relationship, because guys will betray or use you, and girls want either sex, money, a relationship, or all 3."
It didn't help either that one of my exes was literally hacking into everything that I had just to follow me and say horrible shit about me AND sabotage my future relationships all because she cheated on me with a guy who had mental limitations while she was in the bathroom with him. Because of that I started looking into VPNs and stopped sharing as much about myself almost entirely. But I couldn't run away from that forever because life's kinda a game of give and take where in order to get help, you have to give your story to people so they know what to help you with.
To this day I'm still very conflicted because of this, and am on edge with everything. Also I am dealing with women who still want a relationship with me while I'm taken, but I still want to try to make them friends only, and would like to make any activity one that is not involving anything that would normally be done if you were in a relationship with that person. But honestly in the back of my mind, I don't trust them, and I'm ready to just give up and just act like they don't exist all together (even if I work with one of them) because again, I feel like I really do just have to stick to being alone in order to handle anything in my life whatsoever.
But that's whatever. Due to having major depression among other things, I developed hypersexuality which has given me an even harder time trying to contain and control something such as porn. I can still be intimate with my partner, And even achieve an orgasm, but often times I'll still feel a connection to a fantasy as well because I feel like (again):
"The people I have feelings for, besides the person in this reality, are not real. They are in a dimension where I can never see them, never touch them, and never even talk to them."
So that's pretty much the gist of my story. I'll try to keep up a journal of it, but I'm not certain if I should start the journal with just the start of the day, or while I'm feeling my hormones rage. But I'll try both if all else fails.