Learning to treat myself well

ADFECTATIO

Member
Hei,

thanks for this forum here.
I want to start a thread just today. To get a step going again.

My rebooting journey started in January 2020 - I learned, that p. is the symptom that shows me "Hey, there is something wrong in your life and the way you deal with your feelings.". I managed to make some progress with self talk and found a life goal which fulfills me. I turned my life around 180 ° degress, started studying again and got in a study programm which has a hard admission test. I can do it, I can study and I really like to sit down and focus and enjoy the thrill to be good in all the hard and weekly tests.
During preparation for the admission test I was so focused on the goal of getting in the study programm, I managed to get a streak of 60 - 65 days.

Now the daily grind is here.
In order to keep myself focused I set up lots of blocking systems that made relapses almost impossible. But that turned out to be a horrible mistake.
I lost the ability to control my urges. And now with the daily grind and the stress - I don`t know - I found ways around the blocks. When I am acting on autopilot, being in an addicted mood, I find ways to escape from the world and myself. And fall into holes.

I love the clean life! I have a daily rhythm, I make weekly and daily plans - hell - why am I stuck again in this escapism?

A few weeks ago, I decided, I need to learn to control myself. So I boldly deleted all restriction. Since then the spiral downward started - first slowly, then more and more time I escaped into Youtube, mindless websurfing and also PMO. The well known cycle: PMO, feeling bad about relapse, more escapism...
I dont get it. Rationally this behaviour is so - idk - unnecessary.

So here I am. And I am going to make it - it`s just a matter of time that I will make it.
I must adress more and more feelings inside of me - I will learn to be a friend to myself.

For getting started, I will try to write self talk diarys - which I already do, but on the laptop. For a change I will try it with paper and pencil.
Also the metascript method and the reboot regimen are two ebooks that helped me make progress in the past, so I will stick to them.

Furthermore I have problems with escapism in general - so this will not only be about P. but also about Youtube and getting lost in the internet in general.
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Allrighty - I would love to write a short update.
During the week I am really busy - we have tests on every weekday, except monday. Until now it went pretty good.
For friday there is a lot of stuff to know by heart - but its oral and I would love to rock it! Also its much more fun and I learn more, when I am better prepared.
So, what I want to say: There is not much time to think about reboot and counting days and so on. I also focus more on playing a good game in my studies. I dont try to force me to study, I practice to hype myself up for it - I try to imagine how I would think, if I would absolutely love studying. And often there are a few cool reasons to sit down and study another round!

The weekend is kind of hard, because there the pressure is not that high - so it will be a big win to get over the weekend clean and strong!
Looking forward to tell about a great weekend. I asked a few guys to do go out and meet.

Other things:
I nap a LOT! I try to not burn out my energy - so I still have some willpower left to fight upcoming urges. Also writing diary works good - in the morning is best for me.
Today is day 2 clean.
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Good morning!

So the weekend starts. Yesterday was a really good day - I was prepared for the oral test and so I had lots of fun during the course and I also managed to learn sth and use the course. It`s funny: If you are not prepared the whole afternoon course is hell - you dont get anything, but if you know the theory then you are able to take sth home and understand more.

Whatever.
I notice a bit of anger in myself and tense shoulders. Also a bit pressure because "I have to use the weekend to get ahead" - thats the thought in my mind. Bit I try to be relaxed and enjoy the study time.

Yesterday I started reading into the "easypeasy" method, an eBook I downloaded a while ago. Its kind of a different approach - but I will give it a try. It sounds good, because it trys to take away the fear of relapsing and doesn't treat P. as a forbitten fruit. In my experience this sounds like a good strategy. We will see.

Social stuff: Had an awesome evening with a friend in the park! This really took some pressure of my soulders! Awesome.

Lets rock the weekend! :)
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Managed to get through the day. It was rather hard to concentrate, but I managed to get a lot done and reading the ebook in the morning really made me feel good.
I miss doing workouts and will really try to free some time in the evenings to workout regullary again.
This afternoon I will have freetime and we`ll have a litte BBQ.

And hopefully in the evening I will have managed to have a good, productive weekend :)
My streak is now 5 days.
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Good morning!
Yesterday was a blast! In the morning I studied at home, but my energy was very low and so I went into the library. Because we had to wear masks I wasnt there for a long time. But now you dont have to wear them anymore - so I wanted to give it a try. And it was amazing.

I really enjoied being around people, also a friend of mine was there. And I saw a very friendly looking girl, made a bit eye contact and when it was time for lunch break, I went up to hear and asked her out for a lunch break together. She was happy because she was also alone there. We had an awesome break, really good conversation.

So for today I will do a first part of studying which involves me talking and is more active in the morning. Currently it`s 5:56 AM. And then go to the library just around 11 AM. So hopefully she will be there as well and we can have lunch together again. If not, I am also fine with a lunch by myself :)

Rebootwise:
Im down to 6 days. Until now no urges, but also no MW :D I know it will come. The Ebook is still good to read - I read 1 - 2 Chapters in the morning. The days are pretty packed with university stuff.
But I think I need to really free time for my body.
I didnt loose much time to P. during the last semester, because I had my internet blocked really tight. But for me this seems not to be a good way to go. When blocking the internet, there are no temptations / possibilitys to relapse. And I lost the ability to control myself again and from time to time my inner addict managed to find ways through the content blocker - there is always a way. So a month ago I decided I need to open up all the blockers in ordner to learn to say "No" on my own.
This let to a sum of 7 days (one I went in the cave for 4 days, the other for 3) I lost to the P.-Monster. During this days I was just in bed, depressed and sprialing in a Youtube-P.-Dopamine loop. Needless to say: I did not enjoy it but getting out there was really hard!
In this case I am so thankful that my university is so strict and that I have several tests every week - I really can`t allow myself to fall into this trap again, otherwise I am out of here. But this is not an option! I managed to get in - which only 10 % of the applicants do and I will manage to get it done really good! Because I love my vision and for the first time I really feel at the right place!
It is only because of my first reboot attempt in 2020 that I got the idea for this and since then I am following this path. It will take around 13 - 15 years to be where I want to be, but its great to have such a long term goal!

So, I ranted a bit. Wish you all the best and I am positive today will also be a good day.
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Hei - so far so good. Managed a clean weekend. Thats great.
Yesterday (and as well this morning) I feel very tired. Did not have a free day for a while and I see my ability to concentrate dropping. I think I should implement free days again and a clear shut off time from studying.
Also I didnt find time to work out yesterday because I was struggling with setting up a study plan to manage all the topics in the short time.
I am really good in learning things by heart with my method, but it takes time and with all the lectures and stuff going on I find it hard to get through all the topics and because the exam ist mostly oral there can be detailed questions. Ah hell yeah :D I love it. So - here I am - tried to make a studyplan for the next month. I suceed in weekly in daily plans, but longterm is hard, because its hard to estimate the needed time and it seems almost impossible sometimes.
But I think I will mange it. And yesterday evening I read Cookies Journal and there was one sentence I really liked:

"If I accomplish nothing else in a day other than succeeding in continuing to not watch porn, that's still a success to a large extent."

Rebootwise I did not get urges so far. Yesterday I was stressed and kind of went to Youtube, but I didnt like the videos I sawe there and noticed that this is the first sign for slipping. So I was happy to tunr it off - I did not have to force myself, I wanted to turn it off, because it's not good for me.
And I have tried studying in the library to meet people - yesterday I met also a new group. But I don't like studying at the library - first: It's like content blockers for your PC: You just go there and there it's easy to concentrate, because of all the social pressure and the surroundings and so on. At home I can train my ability to focus on my own despite all the possibilty to wander off. And I trained this skill for the last months and don't want to loose it.
Second: I use voice memos for studying. I.E: when I do really long ANKI Cards it's faster to just speek them and listen to them on 3x speed with skip silence - so you manage to revisit a lot more stuff in shorter times.
So in the library you have to sit still and ye - I noticed yesterday that I am better of at home. But one thing remains: I want to get more involved socially. So I texted a few friends and arranged a few meetups. And on Sunday I plan going on a little hiking trip. Looking forward for that.

At the moment there are no girls I am interested etc, so nothing romantic going on, but thats actually fine.

After I accomplished my clean weekend I am looking forward to be going to 10 days. I am not to obsessed with these goals, but I like to have small, manageable goals that boost my confidence when achieving them. So today my Streak is 7 - one week. Nothing big, but a start :)
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Good Evening now - still the same day.
Today I was very tired and stressed again - I think I hit a wall. So I decided to set a deadline, after which I wont work.
This let to a feeling of freedom and letting go in the evening. I enjoyed a great workout, cooked dinner and now I am relaxing and going to bed early.

Also what I wanted to say: I think that P.-Blockers and Restrictions kind of trigger me, because then it's like a forebidden fruit and I unlearn my selfcontrol. Therefore I removed all blockers yesterday and I feel great about it. I don't need them - I can handle it on my own. Because I am worth myself the good times ahead.

The free evening was definetly what I needed! Looking forward for a productive day tomorrow and I think I have to be strict with no work after 5 or 6 pm. I start studying at around 6 am in the morning, with 1 h lunch break and I think that's enough to fit everything in there.

So rough plan for the next days:
- No work after 6 o'clock in the evening - better is 5 o'clock.
- Workout Days on Mo, Wed, Fr

So far so good - I read another great sentence, but this time in the ebook I am reading:
Hey have you heard the good news? I don't have to use P. anymore. I am free of this thing that stole my time and energy for far too long!

Be kind to yourself! :)
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Today was a good day.
Although I could't manage an early end of the workday and also didn't finish all I had to do, I am still kind of happy with this day.
I did visit one lecture this morning, and its really funny: Actually of our 400 students there are only around 10 vistiting the lecture, around 50 view the online stream and the rest has no time. It's more efficient to study on your own - but damn, the topic was interesting and I really wanted to visit the lecture. So while riding to university I really had a guilty conscience because I took the time to visit the lecture :D What the hell :D

Whatever - I was even rewarded more, because there is one girl I really find attractive but didn't have the chance to talk to her more to get to know her. So I sat right next to her and we enjoyed the lecture together. Also I said I am trying to socialize more and so far so good. I was going to the canteen the last view days. Today with friends the other day I just met strangers and asked wheater I can join them. Went great.

I am feeling good and one of my study buddies also noticed and told me I had a very positve charisma today :)
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Get out and enjoy life immediately. Life is marvellous even when you’re addicted and each day will get so much better when you aren’t.
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
To quote Ice Cube - "Today was a good day" :)
@W4tchmak3r thank you very much for your kind words!! Of cource I am enthusiatstic - I mean, I am getting rid of this ugly addiction that makes life hell and eats away one's lifetime, happiness and ability to deal with life. Hell - it's great to don't have to do this anymore ;)

This entry will be short - I am super tired. The day was great and very long! Had some great opportunities regarding uni / work life...
Socially it's going great - was at the canteen with the same friends again and yep - i like it. Also the lecture was really interesting and when I put in the time to prepare in advance I can deal with the information and the fast speed.

Freetime: Did a very short workout and had a videocall with my family. Cooked a good dinner - now really tired.
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Hurray - today I had my first challenge in this reboot!

That's great, because this is definitly a sign that the little monster is dying!
The day was stressful, with some setbacks and I am still struggeling with how to organize my studies. My current system is working good so far - but there are a few things I am unhappy with.
Going to the lectures is still something I am not sure about - hell from 400 students today 4 attended class. And - well - thats not what I am looking for. Also I am behind with memorization of the stuff. Next week I will skip lecture again, maybe go once in a while, just for fun - but I will have to focus on memorization again. The exam is at the beginning of july and I want to rock it!

So - whatever. I was frustrated and after the course in the afternoon I was really tired and felt the typical "bad feeling" inside (aka Urge :D). But I said: "He, will P. help? No - it's doing nothing for me. The opposite is true: First of all it's the cause of my weakened ability to cope with stress, second it causes the bad feeling. P.-Addiction is drug addiction and hell I am so happy to kick this shit!."
I still did go a bit off course, baught some chocolate and went home. Decided to clean my room and that's what I did. I am feeling much better right now. It was not the most productive day, but like the quote about:

"A day without feeding the P. monster is a good day." - and therefore TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY.

The streak-counting app says today is day 10. I am not too focused on counting days, but this means I accomplished the little goal. Great :)
Next step: Keep rolling and manage the weekend again! For sunday I planned a hike with friends and tomorrow I have a lunch date. That should be great social connection to keep my enjoying the days :)
Besides that, I am glad for the time to study and my roommate is out of town for the weekend - so time to prove that I am doing awesome being clean on my reboot ;)

Wish you all the best!
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Yesterday was also great - and productive. I enjoy getting out and socialize.
Was studying the whole day. But went to the canteen and was ment to meet up with 2 friends, but everyone brought other collegues and a few from the years above also joint so we ended up having a big dining table, which was awesome.

In the evening I went to the library to quiz with a collegue. We simulated an oral exam and it was lots of fun. Also I met the girl from last weekend again, we talket a lot and exchanged numbers.
I don't plan anything with her, I just like her and it's great to get out again! I also texted her later, but this didn't feel so good - I think I wrote to much :D Whatever, no big deal :)

In the night my libido showed that it's alive and well functioning. I tried some breathing excercises. But I realldy didn't want to watch the P. because hell - I am out of that crap and it feels so fucking good to be out of there! The litte P.-Monster is dying during the next weeks and voila :)

Finished the Ebook yesterday. I think its a good one, so I would like to share it with you: "Easypeasy Method to quitting P." - just google it, you will find it. I am following these instructions and I have tried the willpower method over a long time - I gues in the time from 2014 - 2020 I tried quitting P. witrh pure willpower. Did't work.

In 2020 I started very seriously again. In the spring I stumbled about the content of Mark Queppet and his Reboot Regimen. That was a different approach. In summary you could say: "Focus on you life - try to improve in the aspects you are lacking and then you won't need the P. anymore".
I did a lot of self develepment work over the last 2 years. And also identified my purpose and finally got on the right way. There have been massive changes in my live - like a complete career change and I moved to another country :)

So what I want to say is: I think I managed to built up a good foundation during the last 2 years and after reading and learning about the easypeasy method I am pretty confident that I am done with this bullshit. There is so much more to life!

In the moment it doesn't feel like "giving up" - it feels like freeing myself from a really horrible sickness and I like to say: Yippiiee I don't have to do P. anymore!
Its a fun way.

I am also happy with seeing my libido and sexual energy rise again - do you guys have any tipps on sexual transmutation? Or good sources for further reading? I will try to channel this energy in my life. Keeping my studies up, getting out and meet real people and building a fruitful workout routine will be my focus for the next weeks. (Thats what my focus is, not reboot, not fear of relapse or whatever)

Wish you a good day!
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
The weekend went great. Got down solid 13 days.
Going out and meeting friends / collegues and getting to know new people is really helping me. In the last two weeks I really upgraded my social life which feels amazing. I am happy to keep going on this path.

Again the next little goal is the week. I got some social stuff planned and 2 tests at uni. Also I am not planning on going to the lecture, instead I will study at home, but meet with my collegues at the canteen.
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Today I am feeling really down, tired and unotivated. I dont have needs to whatch the P., because eh, I think it's normal to have a shitty day once in a while. Instead of complaining about it, I wrote a journal entry and named my feelings and then talked to me like a good friend would do. I found some solutions and could reframe other stuff. So I gues it's allright.

Still feeling down and will write in the evening, how the day went on.
But isn't it awesome that I don't have to whatch the P. anymore? This would help nothing at all - it would make the situation much worse and probably lead to a few days lost in the Youtube, P. Spiral - Fuck that shit! :D ha, even if I don't manage to produce more today, I am still better off than two weeks ago. No noo! You little P.-Monster! You are already fading!
 
Yes amazing stuff brother! Keep it up but let’s us BOTH remember, P is a sneaky fucker and it will creep up on you in your moments of self-doubt. Rest assured brother that time of temptation will come - but it will go too. It happened to me late last year, I thought I was doing ok riding the high-road but it crept up on me in the middle of the night when I woke and it turned into a 6 day and night battle with my brain. That was harder than hard but the iron-resolve I’ve gained through nofap is what got me through it. We literally gain the strength of the temptation we resist! Stay strong brother - ALL THE BEST!
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
@MakeItReign thank you very much for your support!

Day 14 - so I managed two weeks and day by day I am getting stronger!

I had a hard time since yesterday in the afternoon - I lost a few hours to a youtube hole. But went to sleep and didn't binge the whole night.
I woke up sad, cleaned the kitchen but then felt hopeless and took my laptop in the bed and binge watched youtube for around 6 hous.
I hate how fast this shit gets you hooked again and how seriously it hurts my thoughts.

For me mindless binge watching youtube is in the same boat with P., sugar and caffeine! Sure, nothing against using youtube like a good library.

I took some great lessons from that and revisited the events that let up to this slip. Also I am not mad with me. Its falling forward (and I am learning to treat myself well).

Overcoming this addiction is about connecting and getting active! I identify whats not working in my life and then I identig how I want my life to look and work towards these goals! And: I don't have to PMO or binge youtube ever again! No one is forcing me to do! He - Instead I can do good leisure and reset my energy when I am tired or I can do a great workout that will definetly boost my mind!

So I want to keep going! And I will gain more self confidence over the time and beat this addiction!
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Day 16
Felt irritated and had a bad mood. Also studying was really hard and I couldn't manage to learn all that I should.
But I made time for a workout and this was really awesome! I think calisthenics will be my outlet from now on. I am really motivated to get in shape and to finally learn the muscle up and my handstands are also getting better.
 

ADFECTATIO

Member
Day 17
I think I am in flatline. Like there is absolute no interest in P or MO and its really lifeless down there.
Having a hard time with youtube at the moment. And next week I will pick up an Allen Carr book from the library that deals with internet and phone addiction. I think in my case it belongs all together...
 

anubu0

Active Member
Congrats ADF! Day 17 is huge. Normally when I've gotten to around 3 weeks, I experience a flatline as well. I feel really unmotivated and sexually limp and dead. During this time it's so so so important to just take it a day at a time and to not let your guard down. Keep going you got this!
 
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