ADFECTATIO
Member
1 day
Yesterday I was clean in the PMO sense, but I didnt get anything done. Instead I just sat infront of the PC all day and watched Youtube... There is an inner conflict in me. I am torn between different mindsets - one is like a little Goggins ("the stick") being very harsh to me: "Maaan you suck you waste your whole life - get the fuck up and get going!!! Just stay clean!!" And as much as I admire the work of Goggins or super disciplined people that go really hard - I never got very far with being brutal and hard to me... My inner dialog has been rather negative and "you are not good enough" since I can remember... full of shame and stuff...
During the COV lockdowns I got into the material of Mark Queppet and Cal Newport - which is kind of a different perspective... its not about being harsh to myself or white knuckeling it - its rather about changing the perspective: a PMOfree life - a life in which I have a compelling vision and follow my disciplines is actually a good life - and way more easy than realapsing, fighting hard against myself, being so brutal and than falling down again... The "carrot" is about integrating my emotions and trying to "change" them trough self talk and visualisation.
And I have a "feeling, a sense" that my emotions hold way more energy than my rational self - and with "the goggins stick way" I push down my emotions, ignore them - and eventually they will pop up! With the other way, "the carrot" I have to look at those emotions, work with them - still trying to be disciplined, but integrate my emotions with that...
Now I am kind of stuck - because one side of me sees, that the best progress I made is with focusing on inner congruence - like positive selftalk, telling me the truth and changing the perspective to a positiver one - and also embracing quality leisure and breaks... so that works... but there is another side in me, an impatient one and a side that is so fascinated with the gogginish discipline and the stick.. and that side says: "Man, fuck the breaks, just go harder, dont be such a pussy!!!! Aaargh! You fucked up this exam, just work and work and put in 100 % of effort - than you will pass!"
And altough I see the value in that - the "soft emotional voice" in me reacts like a teenager in puberty to that voice and goes like "fuck you! If you are so harsh to me and won't allow me any fun - than I don't want to be present with you and with this life! Ha fuck you! Let's escape and totally get lost! If I am not allowed to have my fun any time, than why should I put work and effort in to begin with?"
But also I know that just following the emotions is not the right way to go about life...
____
Next steps: I want to find a middle ground between those two "mindsets": I have to push really hard in order to pass the upcoming exame but I dondt want to fight against myself, I want to be there for myself → Therefore the name: Learning to treat myself well...
Loose thoughts:
- Digital declutter: My brain has limited capacity and I am really stressed and fucked up because of all the internet input → But noone is forcing me to do this → I am so happy I dont have to do this → Instead I will figure out what to do and the little pangs I feel is just the side effect of a mild dopamine addiction - thats normal and I have experienced this already a few times - and I know that is on the other end: a calm, peaceful mindest.
----- For the next 30 days I want to engage in the Cal Newport digital declutter: NO entertainment through a screen (YT, Movies, Podcasts, etc...) but also focus on journaling and qualitty leisure! Stuff that makes me happy! Reexperience the offline life.
My first step was a long walk in the woods this morning.
Yesterday I was clean in the PMO sense, but I didnt get anything done. Instead I just sat infront of the PC all day and watched Youtube... There is an inner conflict in me. I am torn between different mindsets - one is like a little Goggins ("the stick") being very harsh to me: "Maaan you suck you waste your whole life - get the fuck up and get going!!! Just stay clean!!" And as much as I admire the work of Goggins or super disciplined people that go really hard - I never got very far with being brutal and hard to me... My inner dialog has been rather negative and "you are not good enough" since I can remember... full of shame and stuff...
During the COV lockdowns I got into the material of Mark Queppet and Cal Newport - which is kind of a different perspective... its not about being harsh to myself or white knuckeling it - its rather about changing the perspective: a PMOfree life - a life in which I have a compelling vision and follow my disciplines is actually a good life - and way more easy than realapsing, fighting hard against myself, being so brutal and than falling down again... The "carrot" is about integrating my emotions and trying to "change" them trough self talk and visualisation.
And I have a "feeling, a sense" that my emotions hold way more energy than my rational self - and with "the goggins stick way" I push down my emotions, ignore them - and eventually they will pop up! With the other way, "the carrot" I have to look at those emotions, work with them - still trying to be disciplined, but integrate my emotions with that...
Now I am kind of stuck - because one side of me sees, that the best progress I made is with focusing on inner congruence - like positive selftalk, telling me the truth and changing the perspective to a positiver one - and also embracing quality leisure and breaks... so that works... but there is another side in me, an impatient one and a side that is so fascinated with the gogginish discipline and the stick.. and that side says: "Man, fuck the breaks, just go harder, dont be such a pussy!!!! Aaargh! You fucked up this exam, just work and work and put in 100 % of effort - than you will pass!"
And altough I see the value in that - the "soft emotional voice" in me reacts like a teenager in puberty to that voice and goes like "fuck you! If you are so harsh to me and won't allow me any fun - than I don't want to be present with you and with this life! Ha fuck you! Let's escape and totally get lost! If I am not allowed to have my fun any time, than why should I put work and effort in to begin with?"
But also I know that just following the emotions is not the right way to go about life...
____
Next steps: I want to find a middle ground between those two "mindsets": I have to push really hard in order to pass the upcoming exame but I dondt want to fight against myself, I want to be there for myself → Therefore the name: Learning to treat myself well...
Loose thoughts:
- Digital declutter: My brain has limited capacity and I am really stressed and fucked up because of all the internet input → But noone is forcing me to do this → I am so happy I dont have to do this → Instead I will figure out what to do and the little pangs I feel is just the side effect of a mild dopamine addiction - thats normal and I have experienced this already a few times - and I know that is on the other end: a calm, peaceful mindest.
----- For the next 30 days I want to engage in the Cal Newport digital declutter: NO entertainment through a screen (YT, Movies, Podcasts, etc...) but also focus on journaling and qualitty leisure! Stuff that makes me happy! Reexperience the offline life.
My first step was a long walk in the woods this morning.
