Starting Again

This is my new journal.
I have not been on here for a while and something’s have gotten better & other things have gotten worse.

I have been noFAP for a while and if it happens, I really just brush it off and move on. I fully believe that it has lost a hold on me.

as for porn, I still struggle almost daily and have also added having inappropriate online friends. This started innocent enough but has gotten out of control. I really want to have friends that know and understand my struggle AND can be a regular support to me quitting. I also realize I am very dependent on other people to make me happy and I need to get that under control.

tomorrow I turn 41 and I am believing this will be the best year so far!
 

espresso123

Member
@Squidward81. I enjoyed reading your post. I too have realized that I am very dependent on other people to make me happy. I think the more love we can have for ourselves the better chance we have at practicing self-care and beating this thing.

Anyway, I have no super-hero status at this, in fact, if I could make 7 days I would be elated! I'm on day 3 again, and will make it this time!

Best of luck to you.
 
Happy Birthday to Me!

I had a thought this morning that I have a family that thinks i'm special. My wife and kids want to spend time with me and love me. I do not need anyone or anything else to tell me that i'm desirable or to feel wanted because i actually already have it. I think alot of my behavior stems from this idea of wanting to be desired and special. I don't spend alot of time thinking about what is going on with my porn fantasies but i think thats the big issue, its a fantasy. And i need to start seeing the real life around me and react to that, instead of the pretend version in my mind.

Just a thought.
 
So, mornings are tough.

first off, i'm physically ready to go so theres that!

Second, my family is all asleep so it give me a chunk of time alone.

Third, there is a surprising amount of online action happening. I guess this what happens when you get older. I spent so much time in my 20's and 30's doing things at night, but i can hardly stay up past 11pm now. but now i'm up at 4am and its a struggle.

Today i'm going to work on not being on my phone. My wife is also trying the same thing for different reasons. Just us trying to be better at it has helped our relationship. Its like we were both isolating while together in the same room or house. We would just escape into our fantasy worlds through our phones. I need to tell myself that the fantasy is a lie. Its created to have me become addicted. It isn't real love, or intimacy and what i really want, what i really need, is intimacy. I need someone who knows me and wants me and i do the same. And i have that with my wife and kids.

So thats the thought i'm going into today with. Porn is a lie. Online sexual relationships are a lie. I already have the connections i'm looking for.

We will see how it goes.
 
Birthdays are a great time to start. I started day 1 of no PMO on my 45th birthday and I’m currently on day 64 and things are going great. When you turn 42 you will be able to tell yourself it’s been a whole year of no Porn.
I don't know why, but just you saying that gives me hope! How awesome will it be to say i did the whole year without porn. and its possible. Thanks for the encouragement!
 
its currently 5:23 and its raining!

My new routine is to go for a run at 5:30 but i'm not so down with running in the rain...yet.

I'm working on putting new routines into the normal times that are a struggle. So, write this journal in the morning. don't bring my phone to the bathroom. today, i am going to sign off on messenger. I think i need to make more space from my phone but i really really don't want to.

Feeling like today is going to be a tough one.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
This is my new journal.
I have not been on here for a while and something’s have gotten better & other things have gotten worse.

I have been noFAP for a while and if it happens, I really just brush it off and move on. I fully believe that it has lost a hold on me.

as for porn, I still struggle almost daily and have also added having inappropriate online friends. This started innocent enough but has gotten out of control. I really want to have friends that know and understand my struggle AND can be a regular support to me quitting. I also realize I am very dependent on other people to make me happy and I need to get that under control.

tomorrow I turn 41 and I am believing this will be the best year so far!
Welcome back and good luck on this new journey. I've been here on and off for over a year now. I know how hard this road can be. Just breeze through my journal to see all my fails. But, that same journal has a lot of success in it as well. A lot of long stretches with no PMO. The previous years had no achievements.

Keep at it and stay here for a while. At least until you feel comfortable being out there without us!
 
Its been 3 days since my birthday. And its been kind of a roller coster.

In general, i think i'm in the best place i've been for a while. Emotionally, I get into such a big funk around my birthday that i then try to soothe through PMO. but this year has been different. And i do like it.

I'm in no way at my success story. I've looked at a pic here & there but i really don't linger, and i walk away pretty quickly. I want to get rid of that completely. If something comes up on my feed, or a movie, i can see it, and just keep living my life. And the other side of that is, i never seek it out. I never start the inapproprate converstaion. i never go to the website, i never start the search. I don't let my eyes linger. I can control those things and i will.

I feel there are deeper issues under my addiction to porn. Bigger society issues. And it takes me from this is a personal problem that only a few of us deal with but a larger issue of society as a whole, which gives me hope. Or comfort because of course this is hard, i'm taking on a societal issue that shows up in my personal life.

But lets talk practical: i will NOT take my phone to the bathroom
I will NOT be alone in a room with my phone
I will spend time sitting close to my wife
I will spend time doing physical activity with my kids
 
Today has been tough and it’s only 6am.

I’ve been trying to keep busy and not find myself alone with my phone. I also haven’t been connecting with my wife so I’m now in a spot where I just want to comfort myself with porn. Which in a way is selfish. I want to just take care of myself, no matter the negative impact it may have on anyone else. (Not to mention the impact on me). And I don’t want to go to my wife for help, or friends, or God. I’ll just take care of this myself.
so that’s where I am right now. If I was counting, today would be a zero.
 

Onmyway19

Active Member
Today has been tough and it’s only 6am.

I’ve been trying to keep busy and not find myself alone with my phone. I also haven’t been connecting with my wife so I’m now in a spot where I just want to comfort myself with porn. Which in a way is selfish. I want to just take care of myself, no matter the negative impact it may have on anyone else. (Not to mention the impact on me). And I don’t want to go to my wife for help, or friends, or God. I’ll just take care of this myself.
so that’s where I am right now. If I was counting, today would be a zero.
Embrace the suck my guy. But don't give in whatever you do. Things do get better.

The 1st few weeks are often the hardest.
Feel those emotions, face the consequences of your actions and deal with whatever may come. Using pixels or anything artificial to stimulate won't fix your wife's broken heart, or any issues you may have. It makes it worse. Much worse.

The only way out is through bro. You'll be a better human being for facing your flaws. We all have them. It's nothing to be ashamed of. The only shame would be in giving up. You're the only one that can make it happen though. We're all here to support you and everyone else that decides to take this battle on. You're not alone. Trust the process and focus on being the best version of yourself. And stay away from P. Keep fighting 💪
 
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