I want to share my story (may be triggering)

[Deleted member 29199]

I'm 18 and a guy. I started watching porn 6 years ago. There's a lot of backgrounds to be given on things but I'll keep it just focus on porn. I left school in 2016 and was homeschooled. I became awfully lonely in those times. And that's where the porn habit kicked in. I was doing PMO 5 times a day sometimes. Downloading videos and watching them.

I really didn't realized it was hurting me before 2 years ago. It was at the height of pandemic. I was in home regularly, my family was/still a bit of mess. I was sleeping in basement but the thing was I wasn't able to sleep. So I resorted back to the only thing that used to give me comfort and that was porn. The thing was I have seen already so much shit at that point that there was nothing new. Even when I tried to masturbate using my imagination I realized I was already flooded with so many porn images that it was almost impossible to do that. So I started using porn again. At one point I thought I even liked dicks but that faded away quickly (i have never seen gay porn in my life, some trans with female pornstar I knew, yes. But no gay, i wasn't in my right mind back then) Anyways my studies and personal life were suffering at that point. I realized I have lost every interest in doing anything with real girls. But it wasn't then it really hit me I had a problem.

Let me tell you how the eventual realisation happened that I realized porn became the biggest problem in my life. I used to use reddit but was never aware of its NSFW section until then. Being curious I visited there I saw some pretty weird things. Eventually things that I felt disgusted at or just found weird. But having nothing to do and seeking novelty, I started watching some of them porn. Some fetish/kink ones. I actually never thought about them. I felt as if it's just usual porn and did PMO.

Until one day when I was watching a porn and I remember this, it's embarassing to say but the dude ass just came in front of a girl and I was like wtf! That was the moment that fucked me up. I started wondering what the hell I am watching. I think I suffered from HOCD for a few days as I started to see if I get any reaction watching guys. All I really got was anxiety. And any porn image or those kind of things (which i read or see) was giving me anxiety and I couldn't differentiate between anxiety and arousal. I think it was a traumatic event. Also I realized back then that I couldn't relax without porn. I became conscience of everything I saw or read and started putting it on me. What if I wanted those things? Do I want those things? The answer was obviously No. Even watching movies or shows was anxiety filled. The guy was black in the video i was watching and every time I saw a black guy it used to make me anxious. That went away after sometime but the impact didn't.

I always saw love and relationship as sacred. A bond of trust between two people. But now i didn't knew. Watching or reading about cheating and people doing weird things with their partners was always awful to me. I was alo trying to stop watching porn too at that time but it was almost impossible. I couldn't talk to anyone in my family also about this. I just let it float by but it made me depressed. Love and intimacy and everything felt dead to me. But after keeping fighting with the cravings for the first time in years I realised I noticed girls again. They felt pretty again. I, now wanted to pursue something. But I couldn't leave what happened behind. The porn thing wasn't going away. I used to go 5 or 6 days at Max before relapsing again. And everytime I relapsed things got worse.

I failed my semester exams at that time also. And that was just it. I felt empty at the bottom. I didn't gave up tho. I still kept going. Eventually the thing with not being able to watch media got better. I started working on myself trying to differentiate between what was my own thoughts and what I absorbed. It didn't really worked out well. But I was improving. Sometimes I used to fall back into the habit again tho. I started sexting, may have shared nudes and PMO from time to time ofc (and yeah it was bad). My eyes were opened now. But I didn't had any self control whatsoever.

Fast forward to this year. The longest streak I held without PMO was over 20+ days and it was a time when I fell ill pretty bad so this was the last thing that came into my mind. This was in beginning of this year.

I returned to it again after being healthy because of the cravings. I had times when I just binged it for hours. I have masturbated 3 times in 2 hours once (I know this is bad, it did happened recently) and I have gone like 6-7 times a day sometimes (this happened really long ago tho). I did used it to tackle my anxiety/ emotional distress/ or if I felt lonely, besides just pleasure. I didn't really liked it but I needed it.


So back to present. I went on 24 days without watching any porn whatsoever. I masturbated using my fantasy ofc. Until yesterday when I decided to visit nsfw subreddit and ended up on a weird fetish one which has hypno porn that I felt disgusted at but I didn't even had to touch myself and I just exploded. This was the conversation that I had with myself after that I ended up writing in my journal-

Are u able to leave it in the past and move on?

Yes I'm capable of leaving this in the past.

Did it meant anything?

I wanted to see my reaction to this stuff. Foolishly enough I realised I was in way too vulnerable postion to test myself with something like this.

Is this the most embarassing of ur life for urself?

No. It's my weakest moment for sure.

Did u liked it?

I hated every second of it and I feel disgusted. I still came. That's a reality.

Did it felt good?

No.

Are u gonna beat urself up because you've fallen so low you were watching a hypno porn and u came to it without touching urself?

It was just a fetish porn. That didn't held any relation to me whatsoever. But I still came to it because it was overwhelming and my mind was in so vulnerable of a position that it just needed it. I knew it. I still went for it. And that happened.

What do u do now?
I have figured that my mind is not in a right state by far. It isn't working how I want it to work and I know how I got into this situation. It's an awful situation to be in. It's just seeking pleasure in whatever way it can get. And it has gotten far from what I would say I'd like sexually. In the end, porn and this things has fucked up my real sexuality. In no way shape or form would I enjoy or feel anything remotely towards this thing. I know that. I can feel that.

Then why did it happen?

As I mentioned earlier my mind has confused the real meaning of pleasure. It seeks novelty. It got it. It reacted to it.

Isn't it supposed to be ur mind, in ur control?

Maybe not now. Maybe it hasn't been in a long time. I became what I saw. I was a teen who wasn't really aware of something like this can happen. He was put into vulnerable state. He tried. But couldn't recover. Till now.

Does what u watch represent who u are, not talking post nut clarity?

No. But it's part of me. Part of me which is lost. Which I couldn't control.

Aren't u ashamed of that?

I'm disappointed. I had definetly hoped it would be better. But you never know.

How u gonna live (my name) now?

I'm gonna live because this doesn't changes a thing. I'm still me. A fighter who knows where his value lies. Part of me may have gotten confused. But part of me knows where I live. I haven't discovered myself completely. And this will be a long way and I'll do it.

Are u sure this event won't bug u in the future? How u gonna be in a relationship with state like that?

Because this isn't me. With time it will fade away. Just like it came. Then there would be only me. I'll manifest it. I'm not a sexual deviant. Voyeur. I'm a confused little boy who didn't grew up, never had someone guiding them who never knew how to escape his misery and everything turned into a misery for him.

What about those images popping in again? You sure you'll be able to combat them? Not get aroused?

I don't know being honest. I'm not completely in control of my body. I have seen way too much to say that it will be gone. It may take years. But I have made a decision. It doesn't relate to me. It doesn't relate to my desires. It doesn't relate to my need. All it relates to is feeding the dopamine receptors of my brain with the highest pleasure it can get without any feelings whatsoever. So the only thing to feel bad about here is that I did not had better self control. I'm guilty. But this isn't a part of me. This is not what I want. And it will be tough to make my brain understand that in the long term but I will do it.

I have also realised I may be hypersexual. As I realised why I used to relapse all the time was because my mind is bombarding me with so many images that its overwhelming even when I ignored them.

At my core I still know what things I want. I just feel undeserving of anything. Rightfully so too. I can't Destroy other lives by involving them in something like this. I want to have a healthy relationship with myself again. Control over my intrusive thoughts. So I can operate normally. Everything feels sexual to me. Any feeling I experience somehow I manage to turn it sexual. I'm in an awful place. Things get better for sometime but they don't stay that way. I'm doing what I can but I don't know.

My exams are in a week and this is too overwhelming. I'm numb, on the edge, please help me!

Edit: Edited the post title to remove the sense of urgency in the post as it has been a day since I made it. Also I realised this post belongs to porn addiction section as this teens section was supposed to be for journal. If any mod will bother to move it there then that would great.

 

[Deleted member 29199]

I understand if one feels this post is way too long but I wanted to tell everything so there's not a gap in information. I hope someone bothers to read this but I understand if people don't want to. I wanted to clarify that just in case.

 

[Light fetnos]

The solution, to your problem, is straight forward and simple, stop P all together, ur exams? U probly gonna fail them, i did,i revised for it, thinking i could pass...i couldn't even do simple calculations in my head properly.
You are at a point where P has changed your brain drastically, and the only way to fix that up, is to stop P. Its probably gonna take at least 100days of hardmode no PMO before u start to see SOME results, and by then, if u watch any P again, u may go back to how u were on day 0...yes it sucks but that's how it is.
U will most probly face by far the worst days in your life during the next 4months, because of withdrawal symptoms, u should probly get educated on the topic, they no joke.
The easiest road to reach the 100days mark, is to cut internet from your life, and live like that until u are at a point where u can live without P.
If u cannot live without internet, then blocking P from your phone is an option as well, here's a trick on how to do so:
1. Download applock master from playstore( doesnt matter which applock u use, SO LONG AS IT HAS AN **DISABLE UNINSTALL** option)
2. Get into the app put a dummy password for now, it will prompt u for ur email incase u lose ur password, SKIP THAT, u must not have access to ur password at all cost
3. Go into the apps settings and disable *unlock app with fingerprint* and enable *prevent uninstalling*
*important* : problem is that even tho u put the disable installation option u can still uninstall it using ur phone's settings app. This is why we will lock that app using the AppLock master
*important 2* when u restart ur phone, the Applock will take some time before actually blocking access to the apps unless u put in the password and this take us to our 5th step
5. Change ur phone's password(keep ur fingerprint tho), but ur not the one whose going to change it, tell someone whom u trust to change it(someone u trust), this way if u rly wanna watch, u cant restart ur phone and quickly get into ur settings app and uninstall that app. Locking all doors of access.
6. Go back into the applock master and lock the settings App.
7. Put a LONG password of 1's and 0's that u ill forget, this way u cant access the settings app nor the applock anymore.
8. Enjoy, now when u have an urge, u can simply uninstall/disable ur browser app/whtvr has the stuff u wanna watch(as well as playstore cuz obv u can reinstall it afterwards if u dont), wait until the urge goes away, go ask the person who has the password to quickly reboot ur phone and put in the password, so that u can go into the settings app and uninstall the appLock and reinstall the browser or whtvr apps u uninstalled. After that u simply redo the process of downloading the app ect ect.
*important 3* playstore has an option where u can actually deactivate/uninstall apps from it, so disable it when u get an urge as well
Warning ur brain might trick u, so when u get an urge u gotta rush to blocking the apps, before things get worse and ur desires completely take over ur brain.
Note that if u have a computer u might wanna throw that away.

In your case, u MUST block reddit, instagram, facebook...ect list is long.

Get a cat/pigeon to keep u company in your alone time, this way you not alone anymore.

Keep screenshots of success stories and harms of porn incase u get an urge.

Change your lifestyle, staying in that basement isnt a good idea and avoid all triggers.

Either way, the road ahead of you is long, tiring and hard, stay strong, dont relapse, be serious about changing your life.

If u manage to stay away from P for 365days, thing will hopefully get better.

Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 29199]

The solution, to your problem, is straight forward and simple, stop P all together, ur exams? U probly gonna fail them, i did,i revised for it, thinking i could pass...i couldn't even do simple calculations in my head properly.
You are at a point where P has changed your brain drastically, and the only way to fix that up, is to stop P. Its probably gonna take at least 100days of hardmode no PMO before u start to see SOME results, and by then, if u watch any P again, u may go back to how u were on day 0...yes it sucks but that's how it is.
U will most probly face by far the worst days in your life during the next 4months, because of withdrawal symptoms, u should probly get educated on the topic, they no joke.
The easiest road to reach the 100days mark, is to cut internet from your life, and live like that until u are at a point where u can live without P.
If u cannot live without internet, then blocking P from your phone is an option as well, here's a trick on how to do so:
1. Download applock master from playstore( doesnt matter which applock u use, SO LONG AS IT HAS AN **DISABLE UNINSTALL** option)
2. Get into the app put a dummy password for now, it will prompt u for ur email incase u lose ur password, SKIP THAT, u must not have access to ur password at all cost
3. Go into the apps settings and disable *unlock app with fingerprint* and enable *prevent uninstalling*
*important* : problem is that even tho u put the disable installation option u can still uninstall it using ur phone's settings app. This is why we will lock that app using the AppLock master
*important 2* when u restart ur phone, the Applock will take some time before actually blocking access to the apps unless u put in the password and this take us to our 5th step
5. Change ur phone's password(keep ur fingerprint tho), but ur not the one whose going to change it, tell someone whom u trust to change it(someone u trust), this way if u rly wanna watch, u cant restart ur phone and quickly get into ur settings app and uninstall that app. Locking all doors of access.
6. Go back into the applock master and lock the settings App.
7. Put a LONG password of 1's and 0's that u ill forget, this way u cant access the settings app nor the applock anymore.
8. Enjoy, now when u have an urge, u can simply uninstall/disable ur browser app/whtvr has the stuff u wanna watch(as well as playstore cuz obv u can reinstall it afterwards if u dont), wait until the urge goes away, go ask the person who has the password to quickly reboot ur phone and put in the password, so that u can go into the settings app and uninstall the appLock and reinstall the browser or whtvr apps u uninstalled. After that u simply redo the process of downloading the app ect ect.
*important 3* playstore has an option where u can actually deactivate/uninstall apps from it, so disable it when u get an urge as well
Warning ur brain might trick u, so when u get an urge u gotta rush to blocking the apps, before things get worse and ur desires completely take over ur brain.
Note that if u have a computer u might wanna throw that away.

In your case, u MUST block reddit, instagram, facebook...ect list is long.

Get a cat/pigeon to keep u company in your alone time, this way you not alone anymore.

Keep screenshots of success stories and harms of porn incase u get an urge.

Change your lifestyle, staying in that basement isnt a good idea and avoid all triggers.

Either way, the road ahead of you is long, tiring and hard, stay strong, dont relapse, be serious about changing your life.

If u manage to stay away from P for 365days, thing will hopefully get better.

Good luck.

I get that I need to stop porn altogether.

For my exams I have been working 10-12 hours for that past month which was going pretty great before this whole thing so I'm going to try my best but I get where u are coming from.

I have read the AppLock thing 2 times but I'm still confused as how it works. I'm sorry I understand I need to stop using my phone and laptop for any other purpose beside work but the whole process still confuses me.

I have gotten rid of almost all social apps. Beside whatsapp for work purposes.

I have gotten out of basement long ago but I do get lonely and that was the trigger for my relapse beside boredom this time.

I know this will be a tough road and I'm serious about changing my life. Thanks for the response!

 

[TryingHarder]

You're showing remarkable maturity for an 18 year old, Tryingtobreakfree. Sounds like you have a lot to unpack, but you're on the right path. Easier said than done, but do your best to mess up the trail of breadcrumbs that lead you back to porn. Limit your screen time, spend time with friends, go outdoors, whatever it takes. It's important that you do your best to break the addiction now while you're still young.

 

[Deleted member 29199]

You're showing remarkable maturity for an 18 year old, Tryingtobreakfree. Sounds like you have a lot to unpack, but you're on the right path. Easier said than done, but do your best to mess up the trail of breadcrumbs that lead you back to porn. Limit your screen time, spend time with friends, go outdoors, whatever it takes. It's important that you do your best to break the addiction now while you're still young.

Thanks tryingharder! I appreciate the response.