Striving to be better (journal)

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Deleted member 29199

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Ended up doing MO. I felt compulsive af! I don't know if it's a relapse. I guess it is as I didn't felt in control and it didn't made me feel good at all. I didn't use P and no porn thoughts were in my mind as of doing the deed. I was just extremely horny. I should have been mindful that this can happen a few days ago because I could have seen this building in the past few days. And today (well tbh a few minutes ago as of writing this) as I was trying to sleep I just felt as if I was teasing myself all the time and ended up doing this. I feel bad now. I'll probably reset the timer.
 
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Deleted member 29364

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You got this bro. Just MO without porn thoughts is not that big of a deal, especially on Day 23 (according to YBOP website). We will all break this addiction.
Godspeed.
 
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Deleted member 29199

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Hey guys! Sorry I disappeared. I was busy with exams. And yeah I relapsed. Let me give you the timeline of things since Day 23.

Day 24: Ended up relapsing to short I saw on telegram.

Day 25: After that day I ended up watching some sexual gifs to relapse completely. It happened only that once.

After 4 days of complete abstinence since that day I did MO (no porn use tho). And I repeated MO after 3 days again which is like 2 days ago (again no porn use). It was the night before exams and I was extremely stressed (as this paper was being retaken because the previous paper was cancelled). And after that day I have been clean from all of it for 1 day 15 hours (as of writing this post).

Now what is the state of my mind and body?

Well my erections have gotten harder. Also I'm feeling a little bit more horny. Now the sexual urges aren't dependent on porn but I can just get turned on by you know... Just normal things and thoughts. Which being honest feels kind of strange as I feel like a monster sort of. I can get horny really easy nowadays. My mind is really filled with sexual thoughts especially at times when I'm not doing something. And the thoughts are everywhere.

Btw I still get dreams of porn things. I guess my mind is still clearing those things. It's a really strange experience. And I have way too much junk stored in my mind shhh so who knows how long will it take.

Thanks @Shreezy

@ladysudan I actually don't know where am I in this reboot. What do you think after reading what I wrote above? I can use advices.

Anyways I hope everyone is doing fine, breaking streaks, leaving this behind, doing better with their life. I wish everyone on this forum all the best not just in defeating this porn thing but in making your life better for yourself.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
I also went through the crazy porn dreams phase. It's a weird thing. I think it's your subconscious trying to get back the thing it's missing, and at the same time reinforce that you're quitting.
 

ladysudan

Active Member
I actually don't know where am I in this reboot. What do you think after reading what I wrote above? I can use advices.
I have been there where you are right now. Our one mistake very often makes us fall so far behind. After which starting all over again with patience, is itself a challenge. And so as you said that you engaged in MO it also happened with me every time I relapsed. Maybe, when we give in it happens because of triggers but if gets continued it happens because of temptations and urges I guess.

You did 23 days in one go which is good and most of us fail within 1 week. So you did great.

You did relapse and its ok. Start all over again. Write everyday about what you feel and what you did to control your urges. No MO is necessary for someone for the first 30 days.
 
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Deleted member 29199

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I also went through the crazy porn dreams phase. It's a weird thing. I think it's your subconscious trying to get back the thing it's missing, and at the same time reinforce that you're quitting.
There's this victory sort of feeling when I don't give into those things. So yeah it could be my brain trying to make me go back to it or it could be reinforcing my mind to think this has no more leverage on me.
 
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Deleted member 29199

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Day 3: No PMO (Clean)

I'm really horny but I'm trying to keep myself in check. There are often times when my mind reminds me of things I used to watch although they don't really hold much impact on me now because I can distinguish between now and then.

Feeling guilty sometimes because of what I used to do also lead me to relapse in past. Countering guilt with something that created that guilt. I was effed up at that time. Feeling horny was sort of a crime and my body always used to perceive it as wanting porn.

And even though I've relapsed a few times it's been months since I binged porn. There are weak moments in this relapses ofc but I haven't let them get me carried away in deep and I can feel my mind disturbed and also healing because of it. I'm going to keep it this way and go on with healing. It's really strange how my mind is working nowadays sometimes tho. There are loads of futile things that comes into it which can be overwhelming at times.

Anyways one great thing I noticed happening in this process is the desire to bond with someone real is back. It doesn't have to be just propagative side of sex but I can also see myself just touching, feeling and doing these sort of things with someone and enjoy it. But I still need to go a long way and it's not all just about sex so who knows when I will find certain someone who I can be like this with. Until then the target is to heal my mind and do something with this young age I am given. Anyways that's all for today.
 
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Deleted member 29199

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I relapsed again. I really don't want to talk about it. I'm just going to start fresh.
 
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Deleted member 29199

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Day 1: Clean (No PMO)

Well... Starting again sucks. Not the greatest feeling in the world. But I'm doing it. For the better. My mind is all over the places but that's a given considering how loose I was with my media consumption in the past few days.
 
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Deleted member 29199

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Day 2: Clean (No PMO)

I'm surprised I made it through this day. Kind of proud of myself too. Because yesterday was the worst. My horniness and erections were on another level for some reason. My mind kept getting distracted. I took a nap in afternoon only to find myself on the brink of relapsing as the urge was really strong. I didn't gave in.

But that wasn't the only thing that happened. During evening I started getting some headaches (probably because I'm using my phone too much and my mind feels deprived of sweet dopamine haha) and well when I went to bed at night, the urges started getting stronger again and they were on a level that even just a slight touch was enough to get my *ick hard. Combined that with the headaches and you'll get why I said what I said in my first sentence. The night was really awful. With all the urges, erections and headaches it was probably one of the worst nights of my life. I'm still feeling a little bit of headache even though it's morning now.

Anyway I'll limit my phone use for now and try to focus on study and not give much thought to porn induced thoughts or images. My mind is really fragile with these things at the moment. That's why even a little bit of a thought or something is enough to affect me sometimes. Ofc it was getting better when I was on my previous reboot journey. And I look forward to making it that far and beyond, removing this junk out of my mind.
 
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Deleted member 29199

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Day 4: Clean (No PMO)

But had a wet dream. It happened during a nap I took right after making my last post here. It was a porn dream as I knew the pstar in the dream and it ended in wildly gross way that was just nothing like I have imagined or seen. I woke up just as I came and after that the whole day I felt sick. Like for real! There wasn't one moment in the whole day when I felt happiness.

The amount of pornography I've consumed/came across in so many different ways over the years is sick. When I came across some of them I never imagined them to leave such an impact on my subconscious. I loathed myself the whole day because I felt disgusted of these things. Having a proper understanding of myself is only thing saving me right now otherwise I'd be more deep in this gutter.

Right now every kind of porn thought or visuals that pops into my head makes me feel so gross and every imagination or dream based on it is worst. These things are nothing like I want from reality. A part of my mind is ruined and my body and mind feels so disconnected. I've become insecure about my body and I feel so irritated and frustrated. I've become someone who I never was. I never felt so insecure about myself in the past like ever or went around comparing myself.

My sexuality feels like it's porn induced and natural things which I genuinely have affection for feels plain even though I can feel my mind and body liking those things. I like the natural order of things but this artificial stimulation has destroyed my capability to enjoy them. All said and done I want nothing to do with any sexual stuff even if my mind is making me go crazy to act on it's cues to please it.
 
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Deleted member 29199

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Day 5: Clean (No PMO)

The night was a bit restless again but I made it through it.
 
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