Next level

[kopp]

Day 1 (still)
I slept well, my cat has been cuddling me a lot. I went out this morning to buy groceries. I have started reading the book Your Brain On Porn.
I opened my computer to write here and study programming. I've studied for a full 25 minutes Pomodoro cycle and will do a second one. During lunch time I watched 2 Ted Talks about Recovering from Porn Addiction.

It hurts to say but I'm glad my girlfriend isn't home today - it's much more calm without her. No aggressiveness, no mean words, no shouting, no "I want to break up" or "I want to kill myself".

I appreciate having time for myself. I'll do my best to only do whatever I want to do today as long as it doesn't involve Social Medias, YouTube,...

I don't only want to quit P, I want to do a dopamine detox to be sensible to the simple things of life and to be able to focus again.
I want to train my brain to focus again, hence the studying with Pomodoro thing. I'll do 2 cycles (25 min) today. I want to progressively build up my ability to focus - I'll try 3 cycles tomorrow, maybe 4 on Monday. Or stay at 3 for a few days then try 4.

I might or might not go to the gym, I haven't decided yet. I want to meditate.

See you amigos

 

[kopp]

Day 2
Day 1 completed!

I had a pretty good night of sleep. I woke up at some point and was super anxious. Except from that I slept well.
My cat has been cuddling me a lot, I love her so much. We played together.
I've taken cold showers for the last 12 days!

I meditated 2 minutes yesterday and 20 today. It was so good, I want to do it again.
I went for a one hour walk, enjoying the sun. I did more than 10 000 steps. I've tracked my food intake. Later today I will cook multiple meals for the week. I made myself some CBD tea, took vitamins and supplements. It seems to help with brain health.
I'm done with the accounting of my company and my personal finances and I also reached Inbox 0 by reading and deleting all my new emails. This gives me some peace of mind!

I started reading the Your Brain On Porn book. 32% in 2 days. It's one of the things I enjoy the most with NoFap and lowering my screen time: I get to read a lot!
This book makes so much sense. I can relate to all the testimonials. I learned about the DeltaFosB accumulation in the brain. All the effects of P addiction. Again, I can relate so much... It gives me more willpower to quit.
I had my girlfriend on the phone, her mental state is improving. I'm hopeful for her.

I studied for one pomodoro cycle and will study for another one after that. I'll keep it at 2 for a few days before I move on to 3 and more.
I downloaded a mental health app that includes journaling, meditation, cognitive behavioural therapy exercises... I love it! It's done wonders to my anxiety in just one day. It taught me to think about the negative scenarios in my head and invent some better, more positive ones. I'm hopeful for my near future.
During my studying sometimes my mind wonders but I force myself to focus again. I'd like to pick new topics to study but I force myself to finish with this one first. I already have a TypeScript book I'm reading, I must not start another book till I'm done with this one.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to the gym early - it will be dark and super cold outside but this must not stop me. I want to go and I will go.

This weekend I've be alone but not lonely. I have enjoyed having time for myself, taking care of my mental health.

I want to reach day 3, then 4.. i'd be super proud after 5 days, 10 days... 30 days would be so cool! I have to reach day 3 first.
I'm learning to take of myself. To love myself. To be better for me so I can also be better for others.

Stay strong!

 

[kopp]

Day 3
14 days of cold showers in a row. I was super happy during my cold shower this morning, I danced.
I've meditated yesterday night and this morning.
I cooked a good meal, tracked my food intake, went for a walk during lunch break, kept reading Your Brain On Porn (46%).
I tested for anxiety and had a pretty high score. I'm using an app that has meditation, self hypnosis and CBT stuff. I'm journaling my mood there and doing exercises for anxiety and self confidence.

I studied for one pomodoro cycle, got busy with my job.

I had some kind of panic/anxiety attack this afternoon. I've been postponing something for a while to the point that I might not have time to get help. I was given a 15 days delay, it's almost gone and I'm still not done yet. I still have 4 days but I might not get enough time to do that thing properly.

This has triggered me. YBOP talks about how anxiety can lead to arousal/desire to watch P. The anxiety is irrational because what I have to do isn't even that hard... It's a little ridiculous.
I edged today but I stopped. I don't know if I should reset my counter or not. I feel a little bad yet hopeful. I still want to fight that addiction.
I'll cook, eat and meditate. I want to reach Day 4 so bad!

Thank you guys for reading and liking, it helps knowing I'm not alone in that adventure!

 

[kopp]

Day 0
15 days of cold showers

I was feeling extremely good this morning. My energy was super high, I hadn't felt that in years. I was happy. I went to the gym despite the darkness and the cold weather and I had an amazing workout! I danced in the shower again.
Then my girlfriend talked to me about her troubles, she gave me all of her stress. It triggered my anxiety. I felt wrong inside. It lasted all day. My body and mind turned the auto pilot on: I binged YouTube, Instagram, I couldn't focus on anything anymore, I had zero willpower, I didn't study, I didn't meditate, I didn't work, I didn't go out, didn't write there, didn't take a minute of break from screens from lunch until tonight. I needed a constant flux of video, songs, memes... to not hear my emotions. This then escalated into PMO.
She did this thing where she sends me lots of messages, I'm hooked, I try to help her, I get stressed. Then she doesn't reply to me and I'm left alone with my stress.

It hurts to say but I hate her right now. She's gone too far. She doesn't realize that her poor emotion management affects me deeply. I'm going through an emotional rollercoaster because her, one moment she loves me and visualizes a big future for us, the next moment she wants to break up. Then she'll say she's sorry but it's too late, I'm wrecked. She's done that so much, I have a lot of resentment towards her, a lot of negative emotions attached to her. I don't want to cuddle her, I don't want to have sex with her, I don't want to hear her talk to me about her problems. I want to know she's fine. But. I'd honestly feel relieved if she left me.

She isn't aware and would be terrified if she acknowledged it but at the moment she's highly toxic to me. She's my main trigger, my #1 reason of stress and anxiety.

The perspective of having sex with her was a motivation for me to avoid P but I don't desire sex with her anymore. I'm mad at her. Yes I love her but at the moment I want her to disappear from my life. She's done too much damage.
Shit... I'm starting a new job in 6 days... I can't handle a breakup, I don't have time for that, I can't afford to be full of anxiety all day long. I have many things to do, I must take care of myself. I must detach myself from her, I must be fine even when she's not because otherwise I'll never be fine.

I was proud that I was going to the gym again but because I'm going to bed late tonight, because I binged and fapped instead of going to bed, I won't go tomorrow...
I'm so sad about my relationship right now.... it's been nothing but pain and sadness lately
I hate that I relapsed, that I'm reseting my counter yet again, that it is so hard to quit for me..

I'll keep fighting this addiction. I don't have the choice. I must do it, I must avoid screens as much as possible

 

[kopp]

Day 1
16 days of Cold Showers
I'm a little less happy than I was yesterday morning but still danced in the shower. I'm doing fine today. My mood is OK. Not the big energy I had yesterday but calm and OK.
The cold showers really help. I never *want* to take it but once I've started it's awesome. Once it's done I'm proud.

I finished reading YBOP, I highlighted so much stuff.

I discovered the "best friend" exercise: in a given situation, what would you tell your best friend? I applied it to yesterday's relapse and if my best friend did that instead of me I'd tell him it's OK, keep fighting, keep building a better life, it's worth it.

I plan on going for a walk, no screens during lunch break, no screens tonight.
I haven't talked to my girlfriend today and thus... no anxiety, no panic attack. It's strange. I love her when she's not emotionally wrecked, when she isn't an anxiety trigger for me.
Managing anxiety will be my biggest challenge in the next months. If I can tackle that the quality of my life will dramatically improve and my appetite for PMO and internet in general will vastly decrease

Have a good day guys

 

[kopp]

Day 0
19 days of cold showers
I was supposed to join my girlfriend yesterday night, spend the weekend with her and start a new job on Monday but the company asked me to postpone my first day by a week. I had a meeting run late so I didn't join my girlfriend.

I was then left in a big void. Lots of emotions to process and nothing to do as it was my last day at work and I kinda missed the opportunity to make a good lasting impression by delivering a speech that was very meh and having a hard time thanking people. I get so awkward when I'm the center of attention...

I left that job in part because I felt my work wasn't recognized and then on that last days lots of colleagues told me how much they appreciated my work... This is so weird. Why do we always show people we like them too late?
I relapsed 3 times today and binge watched screens from 8am to 6pm. I couldn't stop or didn't want to stop. I did it to numb my emotions.
I woke up anxious and horny, thinking about some cute ex colleagues I'll never get to see again. During my work for that company, I was very robotic towards women, saying hi, smiling a little, never ever coming close to flirting or anything, I always stayed professional and far too formal and I regret it.
My feelings towards my girlfriend are still mixed. I see those cute coworkers and there's my stressful girlfriend in comparison. Two of them looked lovely. Young, always smiling. I fantasized a little about being with one of them. I had never done that before as far as I remember (fantasizing about having a relationship with someone else)

I finally closed my computer, laid down on a shakti mat for 40 minutes and listened to meditation and a lecture on addictions (I indeed have all the symptoms: I do it to feel great pleasure or not feel negative emotions, I do it more and more and get less and less pleasure from it...).

It also made me reflect on what I like in this addiction, why I get pleasure from it. I love women, I enjoy talking to them, having fun with them, having sex and intimacy with them. Physically, it feels good. I like their validation, that I have missed as a kid and teenager.
It made me reflect on the moral aspect of doing this: talking to women, desiring them, fantasizing about them... isn't wrong per se. Not at all. Masturbating on a stranger you find attractive isn't wrong. Fantasizing about young attractive colleagues is normal. I'm a man and I desire beautiful women.
I want to stop so I can live a better life, meet people in real life, get my energy and mental clarity back, so I can discover myself more, so I can heal. I want to stop because I have an unhealthy consumption, because I feel better when I abstain, because I'm a better man for my family, my girlfriend, my friends and my cat when I abstain.
After I laid down, I studied for one pomodoro cycle. This is a huge victory because usually after a relapse I have so much brain fog and don't feel like doing anything. This time the meditation and lecture relaxed me. I'm writing a lot. I had tried earlier in the afternoon and couldn't come up with more than the first 2 sentences.

I want to talk to women more, including my girlfriend. I want to see my friends more often and make new ones.
I still don't know what I'm going to do with this unexpected week of holidays.

 

[kopp]

Day 1 again
I feel good. I only started using my computer after lunch and used my phone in the morning for meditation which gave me a pretty awesome almost screen free morning.
I gave a gift to my future self by cleaning my flat. I shopped so I have everything I'll need when I'll come back.
I'm reading Dopamine Nation again which makes a superb job of explaining the mechanisms of that addiction we're all suffering. While PMO addicts where maybe an exception 10 years ago, I think everybody now is suffering it to a degree. People are now addicted to Instagram, Tiktok, Snapchat...
The author coined the D.O.P.A.M.I.N.E. acronym: Data Objectives Problems Abstinence Mindfulness Insights Next steps Experience.


The D for Data is about gathering the facts about our consumption: which drugs (in our case it could be tubes sites, cam2cam... what are YOU addicted to?).
What quantity, what frequency, what does it get you, how does it help you (You wouldn't consume it if you didn't feel benefits, if it didn't help you cope with something...)
For me it's mostly searching for nudes on social medias and talking to the sellers. What I'm really looking for is the connection, the sexual validation... I get cravings when I'm alone. At my home or at my parents home mostly. I do it to numb my emotions, avoid feeling the negative ones. To deal with stress and anxiety. It works really well, I feel a lot of pleasure doing it. Only when I'm done I have regrets and experience worse feelings, brain fog, lack of focus, constant need for dopamine...
I do it to get novelty in my sex life also, to have some sex relief when things are complicated with my girlfriend.
I can get triggered by loneliness, overwhelming stress, tiredness, unusual situations (not being able to follow my routines), boredom.

I don't do it when my girlfriend is there. It has happened more in the last years because I have been working remotely for a while. It's the best stress reliever than I know of when I'm overwhelmed, for example when my girlfriend wants to break up with me.
It happens usually in the morning or after work. If I can start working PMO free around 9 am I'll generally be ok till 6pm. After that I have to be cautious, go out, take a break from the computer... otherwise it gets tempting.
It tends to happen more in the beginning of the week. I often relapse on Monday.

I'm going to the gym in half an hour. Then I'll get to see my girlfriend again. I'm no longer mad at her. I hope things will go well. I still love her.