My life starts now!

[garagon0225]

I hope this is the step major step to changing my life to better myself for me and hope fully to still keep my marriage. I am 30 and married currently but I don't know if I will be much longer and it is because of my problem with porno. I have been struggling with porno for as long as I can remember probably since I was 13. I always made myself believe that porno wasn't a problem and that everyone watched. But I come to realize that that is not the case with me.

I want to quit porn to gain my self confidence, and better my life for myself and again to hope save my marriage, and to start focus my sexual energy on her and not a phone screen. I've had time in my life where I would be fine and I could somewhat talk to women. Porno was always an easy out to blocking out all the stress and self hate. But now I feel more hate that it has taken me this long to really try to change my life. It has taken me losing my marriage to finally see that I have a problem and that I need to clear my mind and allow space for the good that the world has to offer.

I am currently feeling a lot of emotions right now, over the last couple of weeks I let myself snowball not felt like I hit rock bottom but I was doing nothing to get out. A couple of days ago I was getting on site, looking at any random Instagram account to see what they sold, and just to get that high. I let myself continue into that whole and bought things that my wife expressed she didn't like and hate. it lead my to respond to message from those random Instagram account that are trying to get you to buy their content. I tried to hide all that but my wife found it. This wasn't the first time, I have been given chance after chance, but I keep missing up and telling her I would and could change and I haven't. She has reached her tipping and now is saying that all she wants is to move on with her life. I am now I stuck with emotional of regret, hate, and anger. I can't say that I am sad because I feel so much hate for myself that I let myself hit that point time and time again. Porno has been the cause of all my problems with failing to be intimate with my wife, to losing my confidence, and really doubting if I can ever really change myself to live a better life for me and still hopefully with and for my wife.

Today is my Day 2 of no porn.
I haven't had the temptations because of the emotions thinking that I have thrown my marriage away. But today is my day 1 of writing and reaching out to those facing the same struggle. I finally broke the silence of my problem to my sisters and what is it causing me to lose. And they say to stay positive that the change has to come to matte what may happened to my marriage.

For those who are young and growing stop now cause it will cause you to lose more than you could ever imagine.

 

[Donewiththis]

Brother, I feel you in all levels here. My wife gave me an ultimatum as well. This is my first day here in hopes to turn things around and save my marriage. Good luck, I'm definitely rooting for you

 

[garagon0225]

@Donewiththis thank you and I’m rooting for you too! Here for support of you need it. Let’s welcome both a new and better us and life. Good luck my friend, and I thank you for reaching out, it truly means a lot

 

[tl23]

I hope this is the step major step to changing my life to better myself for me and hope fully to still keep my marriage. I am 30 and married currently but I don't know if I will be much longer and it is because of my problem with porno. I have been struggling with porno for as long as I can remember probably since I was 13. I always made myself believe that porno wasn't a problem and that everyone watched. But I come to realize that that is not the case with me.

I want to quit porn to gain my self confidence, and better my life for myself and again to hope save my marriage, and to start focus my sexual on her and not a phone screen. I've had time in my life where I would be fine and I could somewhat talk to women. Porno was always an easy out to blocking out all the stress and self hate. But now I feel more hate that it has taken me this long to really try to change my life. It has taken me losing my marriage to finally see that I have a problem and that I need to clear my mind and allow space for the good that the world has to offer.

I am currently feeling a lot of emotions right now, over the last couple of weeks I let myself snowball not felt like I hit rock bottom but I was doing nothing to get out. A couple of days ago I was getting on site, looking at any random Instagram account to see what they sold, and just to get that high. I let myself continue into that whole and bought things that my wife expressed she didn't like and hate. it lead my to respond to message from those random Instagram account that are trying to get you to buy their content. I tried to hide all that but my wife found it. This wasn't the first time, I have been given chance after chance, but I keep missing up and telling her I would and could change and I haven't. She has reached her tipping and now is saying that all she wants is to move on with her life. I am now I stuck with emotional of regret, hate, and anger. I can't say that I am sad because I feel so much hate for myself that I let myself hit that point time and time again. Porno has been the cause of all my problems with failing to be intimate with my wife, to losing my confidence, and really doubting if I can ever really change myself to live a better life for me and still hopefully with and for my wife.

Today is my Day 2 of no porn.
I haven't had the temptations because of the emotions thinking that I have thrown my marriage away. But today is my day 1 of writing and reaching out to those facing the same struggle. I finally broke the silence of my problem to my sisters and what is it causing me to lose. And they say to stay positive that the change has to come to matte what may happened to my marriage.

For those who are young and growing stop now cause it will cause you to lose more than you could ever imagine.

You’re brave to share your story and if you believe you can change you will. I resonate with so much of this and my journal is called “Accountability” in the 30-39 category.

While I haven’t had my wife found out, I feared of losing my marriage for so long but yet the addiction consumed my every activity. Sometimes all it takes is a streak to get the confidence going. I’m far from healed, but I’m over 40+ days of no porn and that’s the longest streak I’ve ever had.

I have more energy, I’ve connected more with my wife than I ever have and we’re both happier. It’s not all easy. My emotions are raw sometimes and I have no escape of my emotions when external things make me sad or mad — but the pluses are worth it.

More than anything I wanted to say that you are not a bad person. You’re just doing your best. Keep doing your best and things will sort themselves out.

Let the guilt fuel your progress - but don’t live in shame. You can do this.

 

[garagon0225]

@j165 Thank you for reaching out and pushing me to help see that I am a good person. That’s been one thing I’ve been struggling with. I believe that you will change and I’m happy to hear that you are over a month without porn, great to hear that you are seeing the improvement in your life and in your marriage. I understand how you feel and the emotions you are feeling. Just keeping sight of the pluses and the better future that is coming. For me, I’ve just started this journey and I have to live with the consequences of throwing my relationship away for a few seconds on instant pleasure. Thank you again for reaching. I wish you all the best in your process and in improving you life and marriage.

 

[garagon0225]

Today is my day 3 of my journey for a better life and a better me.

Well I’m not gonna it’s been easy but the pain from me potentially losing my marriage has made me feel no emotions. But there is that voice saying well you lost so what’s the point in changing now when it’s too late. I’m trying to keep my head up and hope that just maybe I can recover this and change. I was told that I’m at the point where I need to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. And that really hit hard. The wife and I haven’t really spoken and when I try she tells me there is nothing to say anymore.
I noticed myself eating a lot less the last couple of days, feeling hungry but having no appetite or motivation to eat. The only thing I could do was down a bottle of wine, which I know isn’t good and I don’t want to fall to another evil. I feel like I've lost everything, and wish I knew what I know now. I wish I would have stopped all this from the women that gave me a chance to really prove myself. I thought I could change I really did. I tired over and over but continued to fail and tell myself that is wasn't the worst thing in the world. I don't know why really losing finally made it all clear that I need to change and focus my energy in the things that matter the most in life. Wife is here but she isn't with me anymore, I need her help for the long journey to recovery, but I crossed that line to many time for her to believe in me many more. I keep trying to tell myself that I will change and just maybe there is the slightest hope that my marriage can be saved. But all the emotions tell me to give up, I am a waste of time for her and to myself. The good voice, the voice that is trying to yell to not give, but the bad voice it to over powering. I tried things to quit on my own and always failed. I never told anybody about my issues and how big they were. I thought I could slay the dragon on my own.

I feel like I am all over the place with my words and thoughts. I just hope that one person understands what I am going through. All I want is to fix my marriage and really show my wife that I finally find a way to really make a change and start the road to being a better person for myself, for her, and our marriage.

 

[Donewiththis]

I think the best we can do right now is not try to force anything and give her space. Work on ourselves to get better, to be the man she hopes we can be, to be the husband she deserves.

It won't be a quick fix, we've done too much damage for that. This will be a long grind for us but in the end, we will come out of this better not only for ourselves but for them as well. We can't lose hope, as much as it hurts feeling so far away from them.

We just have to fight and get through our lives one day at a time with the goal of getting rid of this beast inside us once and for all. Hopefully they'll eventually see the effort we are putting in this time is different, that it is not the same old empty promises.

I'm not going to pretend I know what I am doing. Far from it, as the pieces of my broken marriage around me can attest to. Just know you're not alone and I'm walking the same road you're on. One way or another, we'll get to where we need to be. Just don't give up

 

[Onmyway19]

I just hope that one person understands what I am going through. All I want is to fix my marriage and really show my wife that I finally find a way to really make a change and start the road to being a better person for myself, for her, and our marriage.

I guarantee, there are many here that understand what you're going through. I'm one of them. Seeing the damage we've done, seeing the ones we love and care about, suffering from our actions. That's by far the hardest part of the whole process. Also, the most necessary, especially for those of us fighting for our marriages, as well. Ultimately, making the necessary changes, is to benefit you as a rebooter and lead you to be the best version of yourself, which will lead to natural improvements in other areas of your life.

I've felt as hopeless and anxious as where you're at now. Sometimes still have those feelings. The important thing is to face those feelings and even embrace them. Use them as fuel to be better. Don't dull them with using P or P subs. The more you face them, the easier they become to move past. Eventually, the true you, will show to all those in your life.

Keep fighting

 

[garagon0225]

I think the best we can do right now is not try to force anything and give her space. Work on ourselves to get better, to be the man she hopes we can be, to be the husband she deserves.

It won't be a quick fix, we've done too much damage for that. This will be a long grind for us but in the end, we will come out of this better not only for ourselves but for them as well. We can't lose hope, as much as it hurts feeling so far away from them.

We just have to fight and get through our lives one day at a time with the goal of getting rid of this beast inside us once and for all. Hopefully they'll eventually see the effort we are putting in this time is different, that it is not the same old empty promises.

I'm not going to pretend I know what I am doing. Far from it, as the pieces of my broken marriage around me can attest to. Just know you're not alone and I'm walking the same road you're on. One way or another, we'll get to where we need to be. Just don't give up

@Donewiththis you words add fuel to fire. I know deep down I have to change no matter the overcome. It's a comforting feeling knowing that I am not alone on this road anymore. I have shown my demons to the world and to my sisters who have been the best any brother could ever ask for.
I really thank you for reading my story, and I hope you know that your words will forever impact on my journey. I know this road will be hard, and some days harder then others. I will not lose hope and I will keep fighting to slay the beast inside.

 

[garagon0225]

I guarantee, there are many here that understand what you're going through. I'm one of them. Seeing the damage we've done, seeing the ones we love and care about, suffering from our actions. That's by far the hardest part of the whole process. Also, the most necessary, especially for those of us fighting for our marriages, as well. Ultimately, making the necessary changes, is to benefit you as a rebooter and lead you to be the best version of yourself, which will lead to natural improvements in other areas of your life.

I've felt as hopeless and anxious as where you're at now. Sometimes still have those feelings. The important thing is to face those feelings and even embrace them. Use them as fuel to be better. Don't dull them with using P or P subs. The more you face them, the easier they become to move past. Eventually, the true you, will show to all those in your life.

Keep fighting

@Onmyway19 I just want to say thank you giving me hope, and for reading my story. I know I am new to this journey but finding the forum has given me the hope to change that I never knew I could have. And that hope feels like the only thing I have left after all the damage I have caused in my life and my marriage.

 

[garagon0225]

Day 4 of the road to a better me.

Though I know it won't be easy I know this is what needs to be done. I can hear the small voice in my head that has been crying out for help for years get louder, and louder. I really don't know how things will go. I was finally able to come to terms with who I am and that I am a person that is broken. Even though my wife knew about everything going on, I never really said that I had a problem that I was battling way long before we ever met. It was a battle that I thought I could fight alone but I was wrong and the beast was to powerful and strong for me alone.
I know there is a long road head and I am understanding more everyday about the why. I heard a song today and really hit me, it said "I feel in love with avoiding problems" it was so true and it made we take a look at my whole life. L=I lied to my wife, not just to try to keep her from hurting, but to avoid the problem. And all along I knew I was the problem and never took the first real step to changing the person I hate to becoming the person I believed I could be when I was a kid.
I can't blame my wife for anything, she tired her hardest to forgive me and yet I took it for granted. Telling her yesterday "This is who I really am, a person with a porn addiction" was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but for some reason I felt better after doing it. It is because it was the first step into really start walking the road to a better me. In the back of my mind I know I have caused so much hurt and damage that she may only think that this is just another empty promise. It hurts much feeling so far away from her, not knowing if she believes me enough to help me on this long road ahead. But I know that I have to take it one day at a time and continue to do it for me, and hope that there is a chance for the future I want with her.

 

[garagon0225]

Day 5 no porn.

It is hard to feel better about this journey I have started to embark on, still not knowing if my wife is gonna be here to help me through the pain and one day see a truly new me. But I am trying my best to hold my head up and take it one step at a time. I know this is something that I have to do no matter what happens. I want to be better. I truly do. I keep on wondering why it has taken me so long to want to truly change, I should have wanted this when we got married. It was my fault thinking I could fight the demons alone, when I had someone willing to fight them with me before. But the shame was too much to let her be in the fight with me. I wanted to be someone she didn't have to help.
As of now there have been no temptations but that is only because I have finally felt and have possibly lost everything this addiction can cost someone. I can say it was never worth it. I will always have my sisters to support and guide me and I am so thankful for them but losing my wife and not having her support, I can already feel a void growing in my chest. My sister try to keep me sane, and tell me to give up no matter what my wife is saying, that the pain I have caused her is what is talking, and maybe someone deep down she wants to really see me grow, and maybe have the tiniest bit of hope still for our marriage.
These last couple of days seem like weeks, the stress from it all, has taken away my appetite. I am writing and I know I am hungry but can't eat. Anything I look at doesn't sound good. I've lost 5-6 lbs in less than a week. And I know that is not healthy but this stress and hate I have is taking over. But like someone told I need to embrace these feeling of hate, anger, and guilt to push me to becoming better person for me and hope that she will take notice that these aren't the same old empty promises.
I have found a lot comfort since finding the forum, and I have been constantly looking if someone reaches out to me. Just knowing I am never alone on this journey is giving me hope.
To whom may ever read these, thank you.

 

[Donewiththis]

There is a book someone recommended to me here. It's called Love Her, Hate Porn. I just got it in the mail today so I haven't really dug into it yet but reading the introduction was encouraging. It's on Amazon if you are interested.

As hard as it is, you need to get out of this funk of self abuse with the not eating. Stopping the porn for her is one thing but you also can't continue with the self hate. I'm not having the eating issues but I am trying to get over the self hate as well. I can't look in the mirror, I'm always yelling at myself internally, calling myself an idiot and worthless. Those actions have to stop. We can't fully love someone if we can't love ourselves. Sounds cliche but it does make sense, so why not try?

Keep up the fight, brother. Keep leaning on those who are helping you on this journey

 

[garagon0225]

@Donewiththis I fully understand what you mean. The not eating is due to the fact the high stress from the self hate. It is hard to look at myself now in the mirror without screaming and telling myself the words of hate. I wonder why it has taken me so long to really want to change. Like why now, why did I not do it when we got married. I have been killing myself over the why and what if's.
And thank you I will look into that book. I am open to anything in order to get my life back.

P.S. I have been looking for an accountability partner, you have posted to my comments and you words have been keeping me somewhat sane and hopeful, so I was wondering if you would be interested in being my accountability partner.

 

[garagon0225]

Day 6 for me,

I wanted to give up. I was fighting with my mind telling me that what is the point of doing anything now that you through everything away. Your wife doesn't want you because of who you are and all the hurt you have cost, so what's the point? I thought the morning just for a second that I was gonna be alright, and to add injury to insult, I was rear ended on my new motorcycle. I keep wondering why wasn't the person who hit me going just a little faster and put me out of my misery. That why I could have to taken care of me wife and not hurt her anymore. I know that is the negative self talk I need to stop, I know it is. But sometime I just wonder why not me, when there are kids in this world getting gun down in a place where they should be safe.

I still want to make this change so bad for myself, I truly do, and I will keep on fighting to be the person I once believed I could be. I can honestly say hiding this evil and trying to take on alone was the biggest mistake of my life. Though right now my wife is still here, I can see it and feel that she is done with me. I finally got what I deserve, but I want everyone who reads this to know, I have not and will not give up on myself anymore. Because life Steve Harvey said "You have a great life in front of you, it's not behind you... You know you can mess your life completely up, jack it all the way up, and you can turn around and get it right!"

Whether you are a person of God or not, google Steve Harvey and look of that speech, it will give you hope to continue the fight to become the best version of yourself and not give up on yourself anymore. I have come to understand that when we gave up on ourselves, we give up on everyone in our life and bring pain into their lives.

 

[garagon0225]

Day 7

Yesterday was a hard day with getting hit while on my motorcycle, I am trying to come to terms with everything that is going on, from possibly losing my marriage and having to continue bettering my self no matter the out come of my relationship. I want to hold to finally hold myself accountable for my choices, and though the consequences may hurt, I will learn and use them to better my life and make the future as I have always wanted. I am trying to rediscover myself and learn to be the person I always wanted to be. I am learning that through this process I need to find new things to fill in the void but I’m also going back and doing the things that make me feel alive and give me hope that better days are ahead.
We are all here to better ourselves and no one is alone no matter what they are going through.

 

[garagon0225]

Day 8

I want to here what people are doing to change and how they are going through the process of quitting. Well I will say this beginning hasn't been easy, the other day for a split second wanted to give up, I was fighting the idea of giving up because everything that I have thrown away, but I did not give in. I am learning more about but triggered me and I have been doing more research. Whether or not your in a relationship understanding how P affects on you and the people in your life will help give you the tools to be better, and to truly make the change you want for life.
I want to finally manifest a better me and a better future. Though, I do feel scared but change can feel scary I am ready for a new life.

I have being looking and refreshing my threads to see who replies. This forum has really been a light for me and has haven me hope for myself. We are all here with a purpose to and no one is alone.

 

[Donewiththis]

I've been really busy the past couple days, so please don't think I ignored your request to be an accountability partner. I would be glad to keep helping you on your journey and be someone you know is listening.

Your story feels so similar to mine, so when I comment, it's sort of a way to express what I need to do in my own situation. It's one thing for me to talk myself up about what I should do, but to say the same words to someone else, it makes the words more real and puts them in perspective.

Sorry to hear about your accident, hopefully you are doing okay and didn't get too badly hurt.

Glad to hear you are still fighting. You're right, this community has been great and with it, we're never really going through this alone. Keep fighting, brother

 

[garagon0225]

I've been really busy the past couple days, so please don't think I ignored your request to be an accountability partner. I would be glad to keep helping you on your journey and be someone you know is listening.

Your story feels so similar to mine, so when I comment, it's sort of a way to express what I need to do in my own situation. It's one thing for me to talk myself up about what I should do, but to say the same words to someone else, it makes the words more real and puts them in perspective.

Sorry to hear about your accident, hopefully you are doing okay and didn't get too badly hurt.

Glad to hear you are still fighting. You're right, this community has been great and with it, we're never really going through this alone. Keep fighting, brother

I completely understand, there is a lot going on right now in both our lives. We are fighting for so much in our lives right now, and while we are trying to better ourselves, we still have to be present and fight for those closest to us and in the process rebuilding our marriage. It is a lot going on, but am I very appreciative for this new found community.
I could agree with you more, it is one thing to tell ourselves that we are finally going to change, but it's better to open up about it and set those words into motion. Sharing our stories has really let me take a step back and I am learning more and more about this addiction and like any other, how it affects us and those arounds us.

It was an unfortunate accident and it was one of those things that make you feel like everything is crumbling around you and you wondering if thing will keep on getting worse. I'm glad to say I wasn't seriously injured, but can't say the same for the motorcycle though haha.

I thank you for being a friend and we will both look about at this time one day and see that we have truly made a change to be better. If there is ever a time you feel like you need to vent or feel like you are in a bad head space do not hesitate to reach out. This journey will never end but it was slowly get better.


I am glad to report that today is day 9.

 

[garagon0225]

This is day 10!

It wanted to give in, but I didn’t want to brake the promises I made to myself. I’ve broken enough promises in my life and my marriage. The feeling of uncertainty of not knowing where my marriage will be and the stress was triggering me to give up, I had to catch myself to stop and think, to understand how I was feeling. It’s been hard to say the least. I want to keep hope for my marriage but obviously things are very rough, I know I’m not even on thin ice anymore, I have fallen through and can’t resurface.
There is so much I still need to do to better understand this problem and how it has affected a lot of my life. I’m glad to say that I have my sisters to help me stay on the right path and the people here in the forum.
We all have the potential to be the person we want to be, keep the fight going and never stop choose yourself.