My life starts now!

Day 4

There are so many feeling going on and it has been beyond difficult to feel like I have control of myself. I feel like I have been avoiding the hard fact of how bad this addiction really is. But I can truly feel those negative effects it has on me and my everyday life. Not many people think this is problem, but it is like a drug that you can't stop, it distracts you from the things going around in your life, it numbs the pain of feeling less, just for a second. It takes away everything you want and keeps you down but like real drugs and alcohol. I know that change is needed and it will not come easy, I have only been posting here once a day, but I am going to start to post multiple times to help me in my process and put my mind of the track I want to be one. I need to believe in myself that change is possible and that it will take time to undo the damage this problem has done in my life. It is hard to quit the noise of the negative telling me there is no point to change now, you already fucked everything up, so why now? But I do hear the good in me yelling and fighting to overcome the bad. I need to focus on that and really, help the good get stronger, to help beat the bad parts of me. I am fighting to not give up on me! I can do this! I WILL CHANGE FOR ME!!!!
 
Why do our choices hurt people and does that make us a bad person if we continually made the same mistake? I got so any chances in the past and I never took advantage of actually trying to change and quit the things I know hurt the people around me. How do you tell someone that you did not want to hurt them by the choices you made? Only that you didn’t think about anyone other than yourself. I know I have a problem and that it lead to bigger problems, but am I a good person if I make the same bad choices over and over again.
 
We never really know what we are doing to people until we make the effort to recognize we are the problem. Sure we get told our behaviour is hurtful to others and they would like a change, but like a child, we usually say "sorry, it won't happen again" thinking that will suffice and then be on our merry way like nothing happened.

Unless we take a moment, really look into ourselves and commit to making the change (or heck, even admitting if we truly want to change or not), the pattern will continue. Are we bad people for continuing the hurtful actions? No, but we are weak for giving in without putting up a fight.

I don't know how aware you were of the consequences of your actions before you started this reboot, I certainly wasn't, but it seems like you are now. So the best thing we can do with this information is recognize the signs and fight it.

Couple things I have done that helps me fight is post on here, even just a little entry, or text my wife. Even a simple "hi" or emoji. It helps me refocus on who I'm doing this for.

Keep it up brother, the fight is a long and hard one. But we're learning and getting stronger each day. Even when we fail

"I have failed over and over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed."
- Michael Jordan
 
Day 5

It’s been 5 day since I messed up any chance and hope of fixing my marriage. I don’t even know where to start, how can someone hurt the people they love, why is that when we have a problem we don’t see the damage we are doing to both yourselves and them. Especially the people in our life who loves. I failed myself and my wife time after time. And I am now wondering, no good person does this to other people, so I’m here fighting with the thought of maybe I am not the person I wish was. I’m sitting at a bar on a little trip I took to enjoy the company of myself, to clear my head, and remind myself there is a lot to fight for. I feel scared because I hit the big 3-0, and my life wasn’t were I wanted, I didn’t appreciate the things that I had and focused on the things that weren’t real. All I could think on this trip is how I want to change so fucking bad and the hope I can truly come out the other a better man for myself and that that change will fix things in my life.
I feel like my head is runny at a thousand mile per hour and I don’t have brakes. But this trip helped me enjoy myself, I have never gone to a concert alone and just gone out alone, it was hard but I know I needed to be with just myself. I’m still fighting for my life and relationship. I need to remember this support system I have found here and my family. This is a long road ahead and I have just remember that I can’t fix the past but I can fix myself right now for a better tomorrow.
 
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