My life starts now!

Day 4

There are so many feeling going on and it has been beyond difficult to feel like I have control of myself. I feel like I have been avoiding the hard fact of how bad this addiction really is. But I can truly feel those negative effects it has on me and my everyday life. Not many people think this is problem, but it is like a drug that you can't stop, it distracts you from the things going around in your life, it numbs the pain of feeling less, just for a second. It takes away everything you want and keeps you down but like real drugs and alcohol. I know that change is needed and it will not come easy, I have only been posting here once a day, but I am going to start to post multiple times to help me in my process and put my mind of the track I want to be one. I need to believe in myself that change is possible and that it will take time to undo the damage this problem has done in my life. It is hard to quit the noise of the negative telling me there is no point to change now, you already fucked everything up, so why now? But I do hear the good in me yelling and fighting to overcome the bad. I need to focus on that and really, help the good get stronger, to help beat the bad parts of me. I am fighting to not give up on me! I can do this! I WILL CHANGE FOR ME!!!!
 
Why do our choices hurt people and does that make us a bad person if we continually made the same mistake? I got so any chances in the past and I never took advantage of actually trying to change and quit the things I know hurt the people around me. How do you tell someone that you did not want to hurt them by the choices you made? Only that you didn’t think about anyone other than yourself. I know I have a problem and that it lead to bigger problems, but am I a good person if I make the same bad choices over and over again.
 
We never really know what we are doing to people until we make the effort to recognize we are the problem. Sure we get told our behaviour is hurtful to others and they would like a change, but like a child, we usually say "sorry, it won't happen again" thinking that will suffice and then be on our merry way like nothing happened.

Unless we take a moment, really look into ourselves and commit to making the change (or heck, even admitting if we truly want to change or not), the pattern will continue. Are we bad people for continuing the hurtful actions? No, but we are weak for giving in without putting up a fight.

I don't know how aware you were of the consequences of your actions before you started this reboot, I certainly wasn't, but it seems like you are now. So the best thing we can do with this information is recognize the signs and fight it.

Couple things I have done that helps me fight is post on here, even just a little entry, or text my wife. Even a simple "hi" or emoji. It helps me refocus on who I'm doing this for.

Keep it up brother, the fight is a long and hard one. But we're learning and getting stronger each day. Even when we fail

"I have failed over and over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed."
- Michael Jordan
 
Day 5

It’s been 5 day since I messed up any chance and hope of fixing my marriage. I don’t even know where to start, how can someone hurt the people they love, why is that when we have a problem we don’t see the damage we are doing to both yourselves and them. Especially the people in our life who loves. I failed myself and my wife time after time. And I am now wondering, no good person does this to other people, so I’m here fighting with the thought of maybe I am not the person I wish was. I’m sitting at a bar on a little trip I took to enjoy the company of myself, to clear my head, and remind myself there is a lot to fight for. I feel scared because I hit the big 3-0, and my life wasn’t were I wanted, I didn’t appreciate the things that I had and focused on the things that weren’t real. All I could think on this trip is how I want to change so fucking bad and the hope I can truly come out the other a better man for myself and that that change will fix things in my life.
I feel like my head is runny at a thousand mile per hour and I don’t have brakes. But this trip helped me enjoy myself, I have never gone to a concert alone and just gone out alone, it was hard but I know I needed to be with just myself. I’m still fighting for my life and relationship. I need to remember this support system I have found here and my family. This is a long road ahead and I have just remember that I can’t fix the past but I can fix myself right now for a better tomorrow.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
And I am now wondering, no good person does this to other people, so I’m here fighting with the thought of maybe I am not the person I wish was.
Guess what: 99% of people are probably not the person they wish they were. Don't feel like you're not a good person - you've been damaged by a porn addiction. As you have figured out, there is a lot to fight for.
 
I’m here trying to remind myself of the why and to stay focused on what really matters. I just feel lost and alone, I know I have the support from my family the hope that I will be a better person, and get myself to where I want to be, but the hardest part is knowing the pain I have caused and continued to cause to the one person I am suppose to take care of, and that is my wife. How could have been so blind and stupid, and push my wife away, I let myself a long dark hole, and I don’t know if I will ever get out. I don’t want to feel like I’m not in control anymore, I want to change my ways to get what I really want. I’ve had time to think and I know the challenges that I will face and have to over come if I want to change. I want to change no matter the outcome but it scares me that I might to fight alone without my wife.
 
DAY 14!!!

I have been away for a few days, it is not that I forgot about this forum, but I wanted to make it to day 14 which tied my first streak since coming here. I wanted to find ways to get through each day since everyone is a battle. It hasn't been easy and I have been struggling the last couple of days but I was able to get through it to make it to today. I am taking each day one by one and trying to focus on what I really want and why I want to make these changes. I completely fucked up my marriage and only time will tell where things will go but I am going to make this change in me no matter what the outcome is. I started going to therapy, which has helped me get to the 14 day mark. I know this is only the beginning of a long road but I will not stop. I am starting to realize that although it is scary to change, and I only this is change will only be for the best, it can be so easy to say in a place of pain because that is what we know and are familiar with, so we endure the pain and we stay stagnate. We are all here because we have caused so much pain in our lives and to those around, we know we want to change and we all are taking the right step towards that change.

I still feel the pain and anger for what I have done and throwing away my marriage, but everyday is a new opportunity to be better than you were the day be. And I am trying to use that mind set to become the person I want to be. I wish everyone out there the best and to keep pushing no matter how hard it is, we will come out the other side a better and stronger person.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Great work on 14 days! If you can do two weeks, you can do a month. Keep going!

Noah Church has a good video about the pitfalls in thinking "I messed up the best years of my life" or living with regret. (I don't know why he shot it in his car in the dark, but the content is good :) )
 
Last night was tough to say the least, I couldn't sleep my head was running at a thousand mile per hour. And all I could think about was going back to my old ways, calming my self down the only way I thought could work, but I can stay I did not fall back into the habit. The thoughts being alone and not having anyone to my intimate with was a big trigger. That voice in my head kept trying to tell me that I might as well indulge since I won't be intimate with my wife or anyone for that matter. But I was able to catch myself and tell myself why, that my better days are to yet to come.
I am not giving in to the temptations but damn this is the hard thing I've had to do in my life. But I know this change is only for the best, and will help me be the man I want to be.
 
Long time no talk, brother! Glad to see you're still at it and fighting. Keep at it! You're right though, better days are yet to come and you will will be a much off because of it. No matter the outcome is with your wife after all this (though I definitely am rooting for you guys to finally work things out), every day, hour, minute, you fight the urges and succeed help you take the steps to become a better version of yourself.
 
Long time no talk, brother! Glad to see you're still at it and fighting. Keep at it! You're right though, better days are yet to come and you will will be a much off because of it. No matter the outcome is with your wife after all this (though I definitely am rooting for you guys to finally work things out), every day, hour, minute, you fight the urges and succeed help you take the steps to become a better version of yourself.
I am trying my best everyday and the struggle of the last few days has been very real. But I’m hanging on, pushing myself, and trying to do this for me. Because like people say, and though it may said cliche, I have to take care of myself before I can take care of anybody else. Thank you for you support my friend it truly means the world.
 
It has been a few days since I have posted here, but I have not forgot about this. I am happy to say that I have reached day 25! While I didn't think I could get here, pervious 14 day steak. I know the hurt I have caused and throwing my relationship away has been my motivation for change. It has been a battle every day trying to push myself to be better, and I have been working on keeping a promise that I made myself and that was to workout and lose weight to get down to 180 lbs. I started at 200 lbs and I have now lost 8-10 lbs since I started and it feels get. I am trying to use the little victories in everything I could to keep my focus away from porn, and the biggest thing trying to talking to escorts. That was my biggest problem, though I never took it to the meeting anyone, talking to them and knowing there it was a really person was what got my going. I am finding more positive ways to focus my energy, I have found that I am really enjoying running. It gives me so much more then porn and porn subs ever did. That is not to say that I haven't struggled getting here, there have been moments where I thought what could one video hurt, or watching a live cam for a few minutes.

I wanted to get rid of this ugly and disgusting feels that comes with wasting time on porn and those other things. I want to feel confident again and I working out is pushing me and has been really helping. I know I have a long way to go but seeing actual results keeps motivating me to not give up. I am trying to remove the negative self hate and talk which I think is more of the hardest things to do because of all the damage I have done and pain I have caused to the people in my life.

I want to thank everybody here pushing reminding of why we are here, and that I am not alone on this long and never ending road to becoming the best version of myself. Thank you to my accountability partner @Donewiththis, hope you are doing while on your journey and taking back control of you life.
 
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I'm proud of you brother! It was not that long ago where you were starving yourself and living in a world of self-deprecation. Now look at you! You're not only getting mentally and spiritually healthy through this journey, but now you've taken up a hobby to get physically healthy. I like to make excuses and say I've been too busy to work out and stuff but I should really follow your lead and get back to being active. Before COVID, I played some sports that I haven't gotten back to and have since let myself go. I think it will go a long way if I got up and moved again. Thanks for the motivation!

How I've been? It's had some ups and a lot of downs. It's just all part of this journey, just need to keep walking it 👍🏼
 
Day 31

It has been one hell of a ride. I felt like there have been so many lows and not many highs. There are days where I get the feeling like fuck it and my mind tells me that I messed up everything in my life from my marriage to my self worth. But I have had glimpses of where I want to be, but l the hardest thing is taking the road with a slow and steady pace and know it will take time. I want to not have these feelings and I want to be better but it doesn’t happen over night. In this process I’m in trying to change and create the version of myself that I have always wanted to be. One of the hardest things is to realize how fucked up I have been to my wife and knowing that I don’t deserve another chance because I took so much advantage of all the other chances I was given. As sad as it is I have dreamt of my wife finding happiness without me in her life. I have done so much damage that all I want right now is to make her feel like she is worth more then what I have done to her, and if she decides to truly move on from me, I want to know that I at least did that right for her. Simply I want I us to both be truly happy.
 
Day 1
I let myself down, I let myself lose against my urges and it sucks cause I though my I could be stronger. But I realize more now that this problem is real and that realization can help me down the road to understand those urges. I am trying to not beat myself up cause I know I have the potential to get well beyond the 60 days. I have 3 months before I am gone for 6 months on deployment, and I am looking at that time to as an opportunity to grow and learn. We may fail on the road but I remember to get up and keep fighting. This is a very long road to travel and there will be many bumps but I want to stay true to myself by saying I failed but I haven’t given up.
 
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I am still here fighting the good fight. I just needed to get this feeling off my chest. Right now I am home alone and I know these are the hardest times for me. I do not want to mess up again so that’s why I am here just venting and putting my focus on something positive. Today is day 5 min f getting myself back on track to becoming the person I want to be. To focus on the positive of the last few days, I have continued my running slowly seeing improvement on time and distance. I have slow been losing weight and I am finally under 190lbs, the goal is to be between 175-180lbs by October, the way things have been going I feel like I can hit my goal. Being consistent with my exercise reminds me that I also need to be consistent with bettering myself. Without consistency we can’t get to where we want to be and that applies to everything in our lives like work, our careers, and especially in our relationships.
Keep up the good work and don’t give up, just remember if we fall down 7 times we stand up 8 times.
 
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