Getting myself right!

[garagon0225]

I hope this is the step major step to changing my life to better myself for me and hope fully to still keep my marriage. I am 30 and married currently but I don't know if I will be much longer and it is because of my problem with porno. I have been struggling with porno for as long as I can remember probably since I was 13. I always made myself believe that porno wasn't a problem and that everyone watched. But I come to realize that that is not the case with me.

I want to quit porn to gain my self confidence, and better my life for myself and again to hope save my marriage, and to start focus my sexual on her and not a phone screen. I've had time in my life where I would be fine and I could somewhat talk to women. Porno was always an easy out to blocking out all the stress and self hate. But now I feel more hate that it has taken me this long to really try to change my life. It has taken me losing my marriage to finally see that I have a problem and that I need to clear my mind and allow space for the good that the world has to offer.

I am currently feeling a lot of emotions right now, over the last couple of weeks I let myself snowball not felt like I hit rock bottom but I was doing nothing to get out. A couple of days ago I was getting on site, looking at any random Instagram account to see what they sold, and just to get that high. I let myself continue into that whole and bought things that my wife expressed she didn't like and hate. it lead my to respond to message from those random Instagram account that are trying to get you to buy their content. I tried to hide all that but my wife found it. This wasn't the first time, I have been given chance after chance, but I keep missing up and telling her I would and could change and I haven't. She has reached her tipping and now is saying that all she wants is to move on with her life. I am now I stuck with emotional of regret, hate, and anger. I can't say that I am sad because I feel so much hate for myself that I let myself hit that point time and time again. Porno has been the cause of all my problems with failing to be intimate with my wife, to losing my confidence, and really doubting if I can ever really change myself to live a better life for me and still hopefully with and for my wife.

Today is my Day 2 of no porn.
I haven't had the temptations because of the emotions thinking that I have thrown my marriage away. But today is my day 1 of writing and reaching out to those facing the same struggle. I finally broke the silence of my problem to my sisters and what is it causing me to lose. And they say to stay positive that the change has to come to matte what may happened to my marriage.

For those who are young and growing stop now cause it will cause you to lose more than you could ever imagine.

 

[GrateClips]

you can do this if you want to.

but it will be hard to do it alone. therapy or groups can help, accountability partners.

does your wife know about the porn?

 

[garagon0225]

@GrateClips Yeah she knows about it and it’s pushed her out the door. She been an on going issue for me and it’s costly me to ruin my marriage. Right now it seems like I have no emotional and can’t think straight to even think about porn, but I didn’t make the step of deleting apps like instagram where the trend of falling into would start.

 

[garagon0225]

@GrateClips I think an accountability partner would be the thing I need

 

[garagon0225]

Day 8

I want to here what people are doing to change and how they are going through the process of quitting. Well I will say this beginning hasn't been easy, the other day for a split second wanted to give up, I was fighting the idea of giving up because everything that I have thrown away, but I did not give in. I am learning more about but triggered me and I have been doing more research. Whether or not your in a relationship understanding how P affects on you and the people in your life will help give you the tools to be better, and to truly make the change you want for life.
I want to finally manifest a better me and a better future. Though, I do feel scared but change can feel scary I am ready for a new life.

I have being looking and refreshing my threads to see who replies. This forum has really been a light for me and has haven me hope for myself. We are all here with a purpose to and no one is alone.

 

[Fappy]

well done on the 8 days. yeah its good that youre learning about what triggers you, thats going to be a massive help. also its great that youre constantly researching things, by understadning what your brain is doing and how the addiction works it can give you a good handle on things. keep it up for another week and see how you feel!