New Beginning

I'm 33 years old and have been watching porn since my early teenage years. It never really occurred to me that I was addicted. I've been able to go weeks without it at times, after all.

However, my wife of 11 years made it very clear early in our marriage that she did not feel comfortable me watching porn. Quietly, I thought she was being unreasonable as guys and even some women at work openly talk about watching porn, reinforcing my belief that it was completely normal behaviour. So I hide it from my wife. Yes, I know, red flag right there. I've been caught a few times and each time she just expressed (what I wrongly interpreted as) disappointment. At times she would mention I was addicted, which I would just dismiss. For years that has been the cycle.

Long story short, one too many lies and one too many times getting caught, she has threatened me with divorce. She is through with the lies and tired of being compared to my porn hoes.

Years of watch porn has finally caught up with me and I have no idea on how to stop. I told her I was going to finally quit only to do it again 4 days later. I need help. My marriage is on thin ice. I never thought it would get to this, but here we all.

I finally did some reading today, fully and finally admitting that I am addicted to porn and learned about rebooting. I want to succeed in this. I want to be 100% committed to it but I need help. I want to stop hurting my wife. There's no one in my life I feel I can talk to about this so I found this forum in hopes to get the support I desperately need. My marriage is dependent on it.

Thank you for reading and thank you in advance for your help.

So here we go.... Day 1...
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Welcome, Donewiththis. There's lots of great threads and advice on this forum. Knowledge is power, so be sure to read all that you can - it will help you beat the addiction.

The situation with your wife is tough. Be honest, be open. You will need support to beat the addiction, but it's really your fight. Others have recommended it, but there's a book called Love You, Hate The Porn that you might want to look into.
 
Day 3

It was the first time I went back to work today after my wife's ultimatum. I called in sick the last couple days to get my head on straight. I probably should have taken a couple more days but sitting at home, lost in my thoughts was not helping. It was nice to be forced to focus on something other than my crumbling marriage.

I had a minor temptation today as a certain article came up as I was scrolling through my news app. I was able to brush it aside and thankfully nothing came of it. What really upset me, though, was how easy it came up with all that is happening to me right now. With it being so early in my reboot, I'm starting to see how even the smallest things can trigger me and it scares me.

I don't feel any sense of accomplishment after 3 days yet. I have been able to go a few weeks without before. But as I'm more aware about what I view and how I react, I realize just how hard this is going to be...
 
Day 0 after 4 days...

My wife and I had sex tonight but things still feel a little off. For starters, my erection was pretty weak and I finished so quickly. But emotionally is where the bigger issue lies, I feel. I still feel a disconnect with her, there was no passion, no real feeling of intimacy, it felt like it just kind of happened and ended. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe it's because I'm still too far connected to the porn. Or maybe finishing so quickly never allowed any of those feelings to build up. Point is, I don't want to say I regret doing it, but it definitely feels like it happened way too early in the process. I read the warnings of waiting a few weeks to a couple months before reintroducing orgasms into my life and now I see why. I want to show my wife I love her and want to feel that connection with her again but healing still needs to be done before that can be done through sex. I just hope she doesn't think I'm losing interest in her by withholding sex as I continue on this journey.

Earlier in the day, I opened up to her about starting this journey and joining this community. I could feel she was hiding an eye roll from me when I told her, but in all fairness, we've been through this dance before, I deserved it. But she admitted that between this and the book I bought recently, it's 1000% more effort than I've put in the past. She just hopes I can follow through... So do I.

Speaking of the book, Love Her, Hate Porn, thank you so much to @TryingHarder for recommending it to me. I've started reading it and can tell it will help. Any information out there to understand the situation and help guide me through the process is greatly appreciated. I look forward to continue reading it.
 

W4tchmak3r

Member
Hey man, thanks for sharing your journey.

I would really recommend some couples councelling so that you and your wife can explore what you are going through in a safe way. You've said you think porn is the likely cause of all this hurt here, but still it wouldn't hurt to get some help on the symptoms of what's going on, especially in your sex life.

Also just wanted to give you the heads up that its all cool if you want to pull back from sex with your partner (whatever you need to do!) but you need to be open with her about why you're doing it and remember to not compromise on her pleaseure in doing so (if you know what I mean!). At least give her the option or resupply that attention through some other means (a nice date, some time together, a thoughtful gift, a task etc.) if she's not feeling the sexual attention atm.

But all that being said, actions speak louder than words- it's on you to pull this through. Committing long term to a reboot is a really full on thing- do not take it lightly- but you can do it if you put your mind to it. Read up on success stories, manifest towards that goal, stay positive. You're in this for the long run and imagine how crazy fkn good your marriage and sex life will be when you have this conqured.

You got this man and good on you for deciding to take some serious steps in the right direction. Only uphill from here.

Peace
 
Hey man, thanks for sharing your journey.

I would really recommend some couples councelling so that you and your wife can explore what you are going through in a safe way. You've said you think porn is the likely cause of all this hurt here, but still it wouldn't hurt to get some help on the symptoms of what's going on, especially in your sex life.

Also just wanted to give you the heads up that its all cool if you want to pull back from sex with your partner (whatever you need to do!) but you need to be open with her about why you're doing it and remember to not compromise on her pleaseure in doing so (if you know what I mean!). At least give her the option or resupply that attention through some other means (a nice date, some time together, a thoughtful gift, a task etc.) if she's not feeling the sexual attention atm.

But all that being said, actions speak louder than words- it's on you to pull this through. Committing long term to a reboot is a really full on thing- do not take it lightly- but you can do it if you put your mind to it. Read up on success stories, manifest towards that goal, stay positive. You're in this for the long run and imagine how crazy fkn good your marriage and sex life will be when you have this conqured.

You got this man and good on you for deciding to take some serious steps in the right direction. Only uphill from here.

Peace
Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I definitely appreciate them and every ounce helps drive me to see this process through.

My wife has brought up couples counselling many times before but I've always been very apprehensive about it (yes, even in this day and age of mental health awareness). I just have always had a hard time opening up or expressing myself. But, like this commitment to the Reboot, I'm more open to it now. Anything to get my marriage back on track. I actually asked her recently if she could start looking for someone. So fingers crossed.

I will definitely try to make sure she doesn't feel neglected. I just need to make sure I communicate it properly (something I have a tendency not to do) and make sure she understands why.

Again, thank you so much for the advice and encouragement. It's great to feel supported
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
I just have always had a hard time opening up or expressing myself.
That is indeed not easy, but think of it this way: those emotions and problems won't heal if you keep everything inside. Between talking to therapists and sharing my story on this forum, I feel a lot more liberated.

Don't have much more to add about mending fences with your wife, other than to continue to be open and honest.
 
Day 3

The weekend was pretty busy so I didn't have much time to check in. Thankfully that didn't leave much time to get any urges or temptations either.

Friday was a big step for me and my wife. I took her out for a fancy dinner and we were able to just have a normal night out. We talked about anything and everything. I told her more about this rebooting process and the steps I need to go to. I could tell she's still sceptical but also seems supportive. It was a very positive night, we even talked about plans for the near future.

I suppose she has chosen to forgive me once again, but I can't take it for granted this time around. I know the trust is still broken and there is a long way to go for everything to be right once again, but it is a step forward. I need to continue this process and take on other necessary steps, like therapy (my own or couples), to become the best version of me.
 
Our stories are almost a mirror image. The struggles of porn addiction are real. My wife had got me again last Saturday. It was her tipping point, tell me that she was done and that she doesn't want to keep doing the same thing over and over. Just like you it I didn't interrupt my wife's disappointment, I would be okay for a time and then I would fail her and myself. Hearing those words that she is finally done and seeing the calm when she said really hit hard. My journey has just started as well, and I don't know where my marriage will be at in the future. There is so much distance between my wife and I.
I too told my wife that I found this community/forum, and told her that I finally opened up to my sisters about my problems with porn. As with your wife, I could feel my wife being skeptical, and why wouldn't she, all the lies and empty promises and no change. Of course we are still at the very beginning of this process, and the rewards are yet to come, but we have to continue to fight for the person we really want to be.

The more we can learn about our problems, the better we can be equipped to overcome them once and for all. I have recently purchased and started the book you recommended, and within the first few pages, it really put things in perspective and I was able to look back at my life and understand how this addiction has affected many aspect of my life and my relationship. This problem has stolen a lot from our lives, and we will not let it steel more. I wish you all the best my friend and if you feel like you need to reach out to someone, don't hesitate to reach out to me. We have both taken the biggest step towards a better us, and it will only get better one day at a time. Do not give up we are all here for each other.
 
Day 6

Being so busy the past week has really helped keep my mind off the porn lately. I had a couple instances of getting urges though. Of course it would happen when things quiet down for a few hours and the wife is away. Old habits I suppose but at least nothing came of it.

Nothing else to really mention, I'm just writing to keep on top of the journal so I don't phase it out and forget about it. My wife and I seem to be on good terms again, although I know there will alway be underlying issues, at least until we start couple's therapy.

In the meantime, let's just keep on trekking...
 
Day 6

Being so busy the past week has really helped keep my mind off the porn lately. I had a couple instances of getting urges though. Of course it would happen when things quiet down for a few hours and the wife is away. Old habits I suppose but at least nothing came of it.

Nothing else to really mention, I'm just writing to keep on top of the journal so I don't phase it out and forget about it. My wife and I seem to be on good terms again, although I know there will alway be underlying issues, at least until we start couple's therapy.

In the meantime, let's just keep on trekking...
I can understand how you feel. I myself had to fight the urges, but we are starting to recognize those emotions and urges we will be better equipped for the road head. It is the times that we are alone that we have to fight the hardest but keep on learning and nothing will stop you. I am happy to hear your marriage is getting back on track, and that you will be starting couples therapy. She knows the man you really are and the man you can be for her, your family, and yourself. Use that support and remember one step at a time my friend.

You got a friend here rooting for you man, keep up the good fight and don't hesitate to reach out.
 
Day 12

Haven't posted a lot lately, not really much to say about the last week or so. I guess that's a good thing.

Having a pretty hard time today though. It's the first time in a while I'm having pretty strong urges. No real reason for them, haven't seen anything really triggering but I'm feeling an overwhelming need to go back to my old sites. It kind of makes sense as it has been a long time since I've gone this long without PMO. But the wife is gone, kids are in school and the youngest is taking a nap, so it's pretty quiet for now until I have to get ready for work in a couple hours.

Just posting here to keep me in check and hopefully fight through this feeling.
 
Day 12

Haven't posted a lot lately, not really much to say about the last week or so. I guess that's a good thing.

Having a pretty hard time today though. It's the first time in a while I'm having pretty strong urges. No real reason for them, haven't seen anything really triggering but I'm feeling an overwhelming need to go back to my old sites. It kind of makes sense as it has been a long time since I've gone this long without PMO. But the wife is gone, kids are in school and the youngest is taking a nap, so it's pretty quiet for now until I have to get ready for work in a couple hours.

Just posting here to keep me in check and hopefully fight through this feeling.
I understand the feeling, it is hard to not give in but good job at understanding what you are feeling and reaching out to keep yourself in check. Use this as a learning experience and to better understand how you are feeling and why. I know it is very difficult but you can do it. I relapsed after 14 days, I am use that knowledge and looking back to help me understand myself in those tough moments when I can be so easy to give me.
Stay strong my brother
 
Amazing work getting to day 12 Donewiththis!
You are doing a good thing admitting you have a problem and making the effort to quit to save your marriage
If it ever seems tough, remember your motivation for quitting
I believe in you bro - you can do this 💪
 

Jon11208

Member
Same story as you, man. Just starting today for the first time. It's scary but glad to have found this place where there's other people that are going through the same. Stay strong. I'm a couple weeks behind you and you're providing inspiration right now. We can do it!
 
Day 14 🥳

It looked as though I wasn't going to make it to two weeks after the last couple days but here I am. Small victories, am I right?

@garagon0225 sorry about you restarting. But this is a process, and we can't expect to beat this on the first go. There's a reason we're here at this forum after all. We just need to learn from it and fight on. Glad that the stumble hasn't caused you to give up, we're still in this!

@particularly_respecting thank you for the kind words. Motivational responses like yours makes the journey feel less alone and daunting. There's no one in my life that I'm comfortable speaking to about this topic. My wife is aware but I'm not sure how much she truly understands our situation. So people like you, @garagon0225 and others have definitely made this easier.

@Jon11208 welcome to the community! It's definitely scary and eye opening how much you realize we're slaves to this beast. There are a lot of great guys in here that have been helpful, so I think you're in the right place. Good luck on your journey, fight hard and we'll make it through at the end!
 
Day 14 🥳

It looked as though I wasn't going to make it to two weeks after the last couple days but here I am. Small victories, am I right?

@garagon0225 sorry about you restarting. But this is a process, and we can't expect to beat this on the first go. There's a reason we're here at this forum after all. We just need to learn from it and fight on. Glad that the stumble hasn't caused you to give up, we're still in this!

@particularly_respecting thank you for the kind words. Motivational responses like yours makes the journey feel less alone and daunting. There's no one in my life that I'm comfortable speaking to about this topic. My wife is aware but I'm not sure how much she truly understands our situation. So people like you, @garagon0225 and others have definitely made this easier.

@Jon11208 welcome to the community! It's definitely scary and eye opening how much you realize we're slaves to this beast. There are a lot of great guys in here that have been helpful, so I think you're in the right place. Good luck on your journey, fight hard and we'll make it through at the end!
Congrats this is a big step in the right direction, use this victory and hold on to it push you forward! Hold on and remind yourself of the why when you are feel like things are getting difficult. No victory is too small and with each one we become more of the person we want to be. Here for you alway my friend, stay strong and stay motivated!
 
Day 19

I think I've been experiencing a flat line period for the past couple days. I've had zero interest for anything sexual related lately and it has kind of caused a little stir between my wife and I.

Two weeks ago I couldn't keep my hands off her, we were probably the most intimate we've been in months, even without actually having sex. Then the following week, I had the rough few days of feeling the pull towards PMO again, which I thankfully managed to push through. But this week has been nothing...at all. She hasn't come out and said it, but I feel my wife is suspicious of me again, not fully trusting me that I haven't gone back to PMO. I don't blame her, we had a wonderful week followed by almost nothing for two. In the past, we usually stop being intimate because I was busy with my other activity.

This has been really tough to go through. Not being able to feel close to my wife because of this Flat Line (at least I think that's what this is) is painful because I think she's feeling a little hurt again. I don't know if she'll understand or even believe this explanation.

But this is just another step on the road, I suppose. 19 days seems like a lot (feels like ages) but I have to keep reminding myself that this is still the early part of the journey. And so with that in mind, we just keep on keeping on✌️
 
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