New Beginning

Hang in there, she is understanding and she wants to help but she also needs time to understand. It will take time and just remember you are doing this not only for yourself but her too. Very day will be a battle but we continue to fight for those round us. Keep up the good work my friend


I get it, @Donewiththis. There is so much of this struggle that is hard for anyone not going through it personally to understand, and for partners especially so because they have a whole other level of it that's easily seen as a personal affront to them or that they're recognizing their fears of us not being able to beat this possibly happening in real time.

Have you and your wife talked about the flatlining feeling and any of the negative side effects that come along with progress in this overall effort?

It's so hard because our partners don't have trust for us right now and no words can truly reassure them, but without complete and total honest communication, it lets a lot of bad thoughts back in to fester - on both sides.

Wishing only good thoughts and feelings for you and your wife and commend you for 19 (or maybe 20 now) days. Stay strong. You've got this!
Hello there my friend I just wanted to check with you and see how the last couple of days have been going for you. I know these days probably haven't been easy, and personally it's been an up hill battle. But we have to hang on, and keep fighting everyday. If you need anything do not hesitate to reach out my friend.
Day 31!

I haven't been on much as I've been trying to keep as busy as possible. I find that when things go quiet, the temptations and urges creep in and start making things difficult. Between work, kids' summer activities and in the middle of a move, I've been able to keep my mind busy.

Not to say that it hasn't been difficult. I have had a few close moments. There are times I've just stared at my blank phone and wondered what could one clip hurt? But would definitely start a chain reaction that could ruin everything I've built up so far.

I definitely have started to feel the small affects of the process. I've been able to feel more connected to my wife, appreciating the small moments together. I guess the guilt/paranoia that divided us is slowly chipping away.

It's nice to be able to look back and see how different things are compared to a month ago. For the longest time, I was wondering what the point was? I still had urges, my wife still doubted me and, at times, I was down right miserable. But to be able to see the small improvements in my life and relationships, has made me realize how worth it this fight is.

I'd like to thank all of you who have supported me for the past month. There is no way I could have gotten this far without each and every one of you. Thank you for the advice, checking in on me and for the friendship. This journey is far from over, there's still a long way to go, but I'm glad we are in this together
It’s good to hear from you brother! I’m happy to you see that you hit the big mile stone of 30+ days. Use this busy time in your life to push you forward and to help focus your energy and mind on the things that really matter. Take time to appreciate the positive of each new day, and remind yourself of that good feeling not falling back into the bad habits. It is awesome to hear that you are also seeing improvements, and it gives me hope in my journey. Stay strong my friend, and remember if you feel like you are struggling we are all here for you.
Day 43... I think?

Broken record, I know but I've been having quite the battle lately, a lot more so than other times throughout the past month and a bit. Wife and I haven't been intimate again for about a month now. Probably a mix of my flatline and her thinking taking a break is best for my recovery. Now, she's been away the last few days to take a week and a half trip to her sister's.

Now that I'm alone, it is absolutely great timing that I'm on the upswing of my flatline and once again these urges are getting unbearable. This has also been the longest time I've had between Os. So to avoid doing something stupid, I dug up a few old pictures she and I took long ago. Times when we had fun together, explored and really did not have a care in the world. Needless to say, I finally got the relief and M&O'd to these pictures and memories.

Did I mess up? Did I just find a loophole in all this? Am I making an excuse for my actions so I can glaze over and continue on like nothing happened? It makes me sick realizing how fucked up this addiction has gotten me. I shouldn't feel guilty for fantasizing about my own wife but here we are. I shouldn't compare intimate pictures with my soulmate to porn! Plus, on the other side of this, my addiction has shattered her self confidence to the point where she doesn't enjoy being naked around me anymore, let alone willing to relive moments like we had in these pictures.

Like I said, so fucked up. I don't want to be ashamed like this or worried that I subconsciously did this for selfish reasons. I want the life I had with my wife before I got in too deep and ruined it all. I need to be stronger to fight these urges and use this energy to make her feel special. I guess the fight goes on...

So what do you guys think? Day 43? Or back to square one?
Hey brother I know what your are going through and how difficult it is. I have bad some really bad days fighting those same feeling, but I have to almost literally slap myself out of it and what helps me is remembering that feeling of disgust and regret. Although it is easier said then done, we have to do and use every little tool we can to help us on stay on the path to where we want to be. It is okay to fantasize about your wife but I could caution to not think of those things as a loophole because you want to build new and better memories with your wife. Being alone is the hardest thing for us, that feeling of being alone triggers those feelings that we are trying to get way from. Try to get out whether that to going for a walk or just reading a book, find something you can do when you are alone and can focus on. We are trying to get rid of the P and Psubs, you have made get progress but I would say take time and think about how it made you feel after everything and if you feel like it negatively impacted your progress then I would say we are back at day 1 but if you think you can learn from it and it is something that didn’t effect you then continue your count. Feel free to reach out if you need anything brother. Best of luck with everything