Holding the Fool (me) to Account

[Simon2]

I am at rock bottom. The boy I was before I found porn would be horrified by the man I've become.

I am an addict. I am a cheater. I am living a lie. Currently I cannot function properly because my whole body demands porn - of the hardest kind - so badly.

Today I am 45. This started pretty much 30 years ago. I thought I had it beat and lulled myself into complacency. I even RAN a porn addiction forum. I worked so hard. But I always left the door a crack open. At first it was pretty good. But it got worse, and a couple of years ago I just gave up. I literally decided I was never gonna quit so I might as well just embrace my addiction and enjoy my life such as it is. I gave up all my moral values. I hate myself when I look in the mirror. That is all the evidence I need that all is not well in my life. I am risking my marriage to a wonderful woman, being a father to my 5 and 8 year old boys. Being a role model for them in this difficult world.

So here I am. My aim is to come her and post when my tempation would otherwise take me to porn.
I'll see what else - but I hope that by being accountable to myself and hopefully some of you here - that it will help me pull back and choose a different road.

Today I am 2 days clean. I am in pain - physically. My head hurts, my whole body hurts. I can't concentrate. I can't act. I've gone through this before. I know that for the next couple of months it will hurt. Oh how easy it would be to give in right now... but it won't help.

 

[kopp]

You're harsh on yourself, I can see you're someone good: you ran an addiction forum, you want to help others, save your mariage, be a role model to your kids...

The first days are the hardest to overcome, the chaser effect is strong. You've been clean in the past, you know how awesome life is when you're far from P and internet addiction.

"This started pretty much 30 years ago." Fuck this. We were so young. Too young to understand. We couldn't know how problematic this would become. We couldn't know it was bad and would become worse. I remember at the time the consensus was that masturbating was healthy, perfectly normal, etc.
The people who wrote those articles had no idea about P and its consequences.

 

[The Tunesmith]

I am at rock bottom. The boy I was before I found porn would be horrified by the man I've become.

I am an addict. I am a cheater. I am living a lie. Currently I cannot function properly because my whole body demands porn - of the hardest kind - so badly.

Today I am 45. This started pretty much 30 years ago. I thought I had it beat and lulled myself into complacency. I even RAN a porn addiction forum. I worked so hard. But I always left the door a crack open. At first it was pretty good. But it got worse, and a couple of years ago I just gave up. I literally decided I was never gonna quit so I might as well just embrace my addiction and enjoy my life such as it is. I gave up all my moral values. I hate myself when I look in the mirror. That is all the evidence I need that all is not well in my life. I am risking my marriage to a wonderful woman, being a father to my 5 and 8 year old boys. Being a role model for them in this difficult world.

So here I am. My aim is to come her and post when my tempation would otherwise take me to porn.
I'll see what else - but I hope that by being accountable to myself and hopefully some of you here - that it will help me pull back and choose a different road.

Today I am 2 days clean. I am in pain - physically. My head hurts, my whole body hurts. I can't concentrate. I can't act. I've gone through this before. I know that for the next couple of months it will hurt. Oh how easy it would be to give in right now... but it won't help.

You're a fighter. Other than PIED I have no physical distress. Have you seen a therapist to help deal with the pain and inability to function? Two years in... Keep fighting. You said yourself acting out wont help. Hang tough buddy. We are here for ya !

 

[andreabassi]

Dude you are too hard on yourself... family, kids... you are a good man. Try thinking why rather than suppressing it...

 

[TryingHarder]

Welcome, SimonM. I'm also fairly new to the forum (50 days into my reboot) and find that it's a very valuable resource. You have a lot of caring guys here who have gone through the same turmoil and will have good advice and encouragement. Read as many threads on this forum as you can. Read as many articles about porn addiction as you can. If you haven't already, read Your Brain On Porn from cover to cover. Because knowledge is power.

I agree with the others - don't be too hard on yourself. Take that frustration and turn it into dedication. Stay strong, stay focused. Good luck!

 

[Simon2]

Monday. Often the hardest day of the week as I am alone in my office all day... and I feel like I have lots of time to make up for "procrastinating" later - and procrastinating has meant PMO. So I feel this anticipation in my whole body - it knows what Mondays tend to bring... raised pulse, trouble focusing, pressure behind my forhead, body pains...

So I am posting here to start this Monday mindfully.
I will go do things and for once feel great at the end of Monday, having gotten a bunch of stuff done. How about that?

Thank you all who've replied to me! It means a lot.

I am 6 days clean. Two small slips in 25 days total. Incredible how much withrawal I am still feeling after all this time. Definitely not worth it.

 

[Simon2]

Feeling really weak right now. I want to close door and give in. I know where to go... what to look at... the euphoria. The numb confirmation of how weak I am afterward.

I've been at this for 15 years. Trying to quit. 15 years before knowing I had a problem but not really trying to quit. 30 years of my life. Give or take. 15 years ago I started therapy. I installed blockers. Then I joined a forum and eventually became one if its admins. Things were better but never done. For 15 years I've told myself daily, or weekly, or sometimes after months, that this was IT. That I was DONE for good. But I wasn't. The last two years have been the worst. So let's remember that today. Let's not do another 15 years of this.

Today is day 7. One week. Tomorrow CAN be day 8.
Have a great day everyone! Let's all add a day to our count tomorrow!

 

[GBS]

I am going to read your post every day. By doing that I will gain strength. I know your pain. Don’t live in the past and indulge in the things that went wrong. No point. Your brain is so SO desperate for you to give in; the devil like a roaring lion is prowling about seeking someone to devour. Your brain and the devil want that to be you so much. Don’t let them win. Each new day you can laugh at them.
Please keep going. You inspire as you write.

 

[Simon2]

Blessings in my life I am thinking of today: My son turning 5 today, so excited for his gifts. My other boy giving me a whole book of drawings saying "Daddy" yesterday. Yes, those are good things. I want to be a father they can look up to.

I shall carry those thoughts with me on a day that feels really tough again. Physically my body is demanding the dopamine rush. I feel weak and in a lot of pain. On days like this I have two options: work really hard to basically not give me time to slow down, or go through it in a very unproductive fashion. The second option is the one that has often led me to failure. So I'll try to just keep chugging along today.

Day 8.

 

[GBS]

Keep going. Don’t let your brain win. Be abstinent. Porn totally desensitised me. I wasn’t me. You may be the same. The new you will be so much better than the old one. Trust me on this. It is a life changing program this rebooting. Also we’re the pioneers. In years to come rebooting will be cool and everyone will be doing it.

Keep going no matter what

 

[Simon2]

If it wasn't for not wanting to restart my count publicly here then I'd give in today. I feel the urge and the voices say it's ok to indulge.

I have something to celebrate - a good potential break in a project I'm involved in. Yes, so I want to "celebrate" by doing some PMO. But I really don't want to make that post that I've given in. I'll stay accountable to myself and everyone here. By the way that is some kind of trap I've set for myself - whenever things go quite well I tell myself I "deserve" some P. When I actually know that I'll feel bad after. It's like I can't accept too much good stuff in my life at some level and have an urge to tear it down. Or maybe I am just good at finding any excuse to give in to my addiction. Because when I feel crappy I also use that as an excuse to "make myself feel better". Yeah right.

Day 9.

 

[GBS]

That is heroic, we’ll done.

Your brain is very disappointed that you didn’t give in. Have a good laugh at your brain.

And we’ll done.

 

[TryingHarder]

Yes, so I want to "celebrate" by doing some PMO...

Been there, done that! Whether it's PMO, or junk food, or booze, it's very common to think that we "deserve" some kind of reward when things are going well. It's the mirror image of when things are going bad and we're stressed, PMO will "make you feel better". Your self-realization that both scenarios are a bad scene is great. Stay strong!

 

[Simon2]

Good day today. I was too busy to think about P and without any situations where I could theortically act out I didn't feel this constant trigger. If I didn't work in front of a computer so much this would all be much easier. Right now every time I sit down at that desk where I've PMO'd so many times I just get this giant trigger. But not today.

Now it's summer and maybe being home with my kids, and my wife also often working from home, it will be easier to stretch this streak to many many days until it gets a bit easier. Stay strong everyone.

Day 10.

 

[GBS]

I think the venue of your acting out is a really tricky one because you can’t avoid going back there. I know this isn’t the silver bullet but what I did every time I was in a place where I had acted out and I got an urge, I got on this website instead. Maybe that’s why I post so much!

Soon if not already your brain will have made enough of a change such that you feel different. Trust me, you feel euphori because you KNOW it’s happening - the change - and the change is everything. You will still get urges but fighting them off will be easier because you will love the new you.

 

[Simon2]

Didn't check in yesterday as I was out for a Father's Day trip all day. No time to think about P, no situation to trigger me. I felt healthier than I have in a few weeks. My urges and pains were actually in check.

Now I am sitting in front of my dual monitor and the urges come back automatically. So I am here at RN. But I can be strong today. Be a dad for my kids (summer has started and they're home) get stuff done around the house.

I am currently feeling a real lack of attraction to my wife. That actually usually isn't a problem when I'm on P - so I hope it's a temorary state due to withdrawal. My only real attraction seems to be to the sick material I gravitated at my worst... The good thing is that I can spark attraction by hugging and kissing her etc - but I am not interested in initiating those steps - it's only when I force myself a little bit that I get over this apathy towards her. Probably also has something to do with feeling negative and undeserving of her love...

Day 13

 

[Nick Wall]

Didn't check in yesterday as I was out for a Father's Day trip all day. No time to think about P, no situation to trigger me. I felt healthier than I have in a few weeks. My urges and pains were actually in check.

Now I am sitting in front of my dual monitor and the urges come back automatically. So I am here at RN. But I can be strong today. Be a dad for my kids (summer has started and they're home) get stuff done around the house.

I am currently feeling a real lack of attraction to my wife. That actually usually isn't a problem when I'm on P - so I hope it's a temorary state due to withdrawal. My only real attraction seems to be to the sick material I gravitated at my worst... The good thing is that I can spark attraction by hugging and kissing her etc - but I am not interested in initiating those steps - it's only when I force myself a little bit that I get over this apathy towards her. Probably also has something to do with feeling negative and undeserving of her love...

Day 13

It's just a hard period, you will get through this

 

[TryingHarder]

I agree with Nick - you're just going through a rough patch. Stay strong!

 

[kopp]

I am currently feeling a real lack of attraction to my wife. That actually usually isn't a problem when I'm on P - so I hope it's a temorary state due to withdrawal. My only real attraction seems to be to the sick material I gravitated at my worst... The good thing is that I can spark attraction by hugging and kissing her etc - but I am not interested in initiating those steps - it's only when I force myself a little bit that I get over this apathy towards her. Probably also has something to do with feeling negative and undeserving of her love...

I feel you. Porn has done this to me too. Internet surfing in general. It numbs your emotions.

I love your journal

 

[Simon2]

Ogling.

It has to stop. Now that I'm not using P I am staring after beautiful women and girls even more. I am finding myself positioning myself to get better views. I judge every single woman I see as to whether I'd do her or not. Isn't that sick? Well I've been doing that almost subcontiously for decades... but I am quite aware of it right now. It's a all a huge trigger. It makes my pain worse because then I want P more, my body wants it more, and my brain is in pain.

P is about objectification and so is ogling. I know it's dishonouring the real human being I am checking out. I know also that after getting a good look at someone I consider very hot, I am much more likely to have a relapse. Because I can't actually have that woman/girl I checked out, but I can have P - though after the deed is done I realize I also can't have those women - the illusion and the pain it causes continues.

So I shall try to at least reduce the ogling. I just need to turn my head another way. Check out a cloud or a tree. Anything really. I won't miss anything other than a brief dopamine rush and the pain of loss that follows.

Day 14.