Holding the Fool (me) to Account

Carl_Smith

Active Member
> - I don't stare after hot women/girls in the real world. I notice and move on.

Good for you champ. This is still highly challenging for me.. It's very easy for me to creep out when I'm at the pool (with my family)... my eyes are like heat seeking missiles And to be honest, being off porn, women IRL look even hotter... sigh. This is "every man's battle" for sure. I'm thankful I can mostly avoid them IRL.

I really wish women had a clue about what men have to go through.

At least SOME of the lifeguards and gymnasts are wearing shorts now. I wish they all did. (you know, like the guys all do :)
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@SimonM - we don’t all “walk down another street”, or not completely. I think we just realise when we’re distracted down the old street that we must be very very careful. In other words the 2 or 3 second rule only.

Keep going. You inspire, don’t ever forget that.
 
I am at rock bottom. The boy I was before I found porn would be horrified by the man I've become.

I am an addict. I am a cheater. I am living a lie. Currently I cannot function properly because my whole body demands porn - of the hardest kind - so badly.

Today I am 45. This started pretty much 30 years ago. I thought I had it beat and lulled myself into complacency. I even RAN a porn addiction forum. I worked so hard. But I always left the door a crack open. At first it was pretty good. But it got worse, and a couple of years ago I just gave up. I literally decided I was never gonna quit so I might as well just embrace my addiction and enjoy my life such as it is. I gave up all my moral values. I hate myself when I look in the mirror. That is all the evidence I need that all is not well in my life. I am risking my marriage to a wonderful woman, being a father to my 5 and 8 year old boys. Being a role model for them in this difficult world.

So here I am. My aim is to come her and post when my tempation would otherwise take me to porn.
I'll see what else - but I hope that by being accountable to myself and hopefully some of you here - that it will help me pull back and choose a different road.

Today I am 2 days clean. I am in pain - physically. My head hurts, my whole body hurts. I can't concentrate. I can't act. I've gone through this before. I know that for the next couple of months it will hurt. Oh how easy it would be to give in right now... but it won't help.
Ask your kids what they wanna become in future! If the answer is not" i wannabe like you " then uh have to change man !
 

SimonM

Active Member
Days going by. Visiting family for Thanksgiving. Fantasies are alive. I have even visited the website for an adult club to check the schedule for a certain girl there. I haven't acted on that thankfully. My brain is trying to convince me that it's a reward I deserve because it's not porn. Damn. It's real life and part of the same addiction of course. And absolutely off limits for a husband and father.

I'm not acting on any of it. I have to truly decide that I will never do that, and won't take any steps in that direction.

Other than that, my urges are low.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
My brain is trying to convince me that it's a reward I deserve because it's not porn. Damn. It's real life and part of the same addiction of course. And absolutely off limits for a husband and father.
I felt this. I think my brain has been looking for a reward for being a good, but the rewards it wants are bad, so go figure. I have been writing out the literal effects of fantasies, which is helping to an extent.

Anyways, keep up the good work!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Totally with you two @PrometheusUnbound and @SimonM - rewards….we deserve them, right? We’re heroes because we gave up a bad habit. Like have a crafty cigarette to celebrate giving up! I don’t have the answer except get another reward lined up. I know this is bad advice but I had something slightly naughty to eat when I dodged the urge two days ago. I am not saying it works, just I was thrilled I dodged the bullet, and I feel even better today because I dodged it, so I am glad I had a treat however bad it was for me (I fucking love cake!) because I feel bloody great today.
 

SimonM

Active Member
The last couple of days have felt a lot like I felt two months ago. Some blue balls, a bit of trouble focusing, thinking about P fantasies.

... and I know why. Yeah, I've visited the website for an adult club several days in a row. Looking at the girls and imagining booking one or two in particular. The site doesn't show P so I don't consider this a relapse, but it's very much NOT going down a different street from my past. I've been telling myself that I could cheat like that because I "deserve" a reward for quitting P. This is different... bla bla... too good to not do... can do this once in a while but never go back to P. All BS.

I am quitting the addiction to all that sexual stimulation, I'm quitting the things that make me feel terrible after, I'm quitting the risks I take that could destroy my relationship and more. So this has to be off limits too. Period.

I hope I can do it. This will be the hardest test.
The 5th month continues.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@SimonM - the new you is a better version than the old one, right? Don’t go back to being the old one. Cravings can be so very strong in this sex addiction world. And your brain can jumble them up for you. Obviously some form of craving is healthy because sex is obviously good. But if you can’t divide yours up, I think you have to be very strong and resist the lot. This is the hard bit. These are the hard yards. People fall off the wagon at this stage. In years to come you might say….oh yeah, I had this streak of 5 months but I fell off. Don’t be that story teller.

You truly inspire me. I am not doing porn today because of you (and others on RN).
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Yes, please be careful Simon! I know that "deserve" feeling all too well. With anxiety eating, I somehow think I have "earned" or "deserve" junk food, which is ridiculous. And for all of us, there is absolutely no such thing as "deserving" erotic content or imagining porn scenarios.
 

SimonM

Active Member
My struggle continues. I have been making a huge mistake way too possible in my mind. I can see that it is my brain having found a channel to the dopamine buildup and release it has been craving. It's like a dam broke or something. I have missed these times of hightened excitement, the feeling I used to get while on "the hunt" for the perfect picture to PMO to. That was actually the part I craved. And I can recreate it by thinking about seeing a girl at a club. Checking out her profile, thinking of whether to book her and when I could do it.

It's pathetic really. Here I am almost 5 months clean, knowing how much better I feel about myself, not having the terrible urges anymore that I had in the first few weeks, but honestly also every couple of days if I didn't PMO.

I rescued myself today. But I have returned to an old street with pot holes. I must leave that street and walk down a different one.

5th month.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
@SimonM this is understandable. You're around 5 months, I know for me, this was when my mind really started to beg me to go back to my old ways (even if in a "different" way) with flashbacks, you name it. Don't beat yourself up because you're doing this, this is a fight, and your mind is giving you hell for going this far.

I have missed these times of hightened excitement, the feeling I used to get while on "the hunt" for the perfect picture to PMO to.
I do this as well, still feel it once in a while. I don't miss the porn, but the high that search brings. And when I'm feeling low or down in life, my brain still has yet to find anything quite so enthralling to distract itself with.

But we press on.

Try not don't be too hard yourself.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
It's pathetic really. Here I am almost 5 months clean, knowing how much better I feel about myself, not having the terrible urges anymore that I had in the first few weeks, but honestly also every couple of days if I didn't PMO.

Congrats on rescuing yourself, Simon!

It may feel pathetic, being 5 months in and still having these kinds of urges. But that's a judgement on what is after all an addiction to neurological chemicals. The brain still has those well worn grooves, and still wants what it wants on an animalistic, survivalistic level ('beast-brain'). This isn't anything to judge, or especially the circumstances as 'pathetic'.

It takes practice to dismiss the urges, and maybe feeding or fighting them has perhaps strengthened or resensitized those neural pathways, but no matter. Just understand from where these urges come, and being in the present moment, without judging them or yourself, breathe through the urges until they pass. That is all. They will weaken in being ignored.

Wishing you the best, and yes, be patient with yourself.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Thank you @me20221, @Phineas 808, and @Blondie. Your support means a lot.

I hear you all. I try not to get to hard on myself. I think what I find pathetic is that I can't resist this "call of the sirens", that I am contemplating cheating on my wife like this... how much I WANT to. I can acknowledge that these urges are normal and that if I can just let them come and then go I will be fine. But I am finding it tough to look at the my moral values and not judge them a bit. Why don't I I have stronger values for what's right and wrong to do as a married man who made vows? That bothers me.

To pass this test I have to find the clarity internally to fully accept that I shall never go down that path. If it's not an option (the way P is not an option for me now) then I will stop thinking about it and I won't be in danger of falling off the cliff when I have a weak moment.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
To pass this test I have to find the clarity internally to fully accept that I shall never go down that path. If it's not an option (the way P is not an option for me now) then I will stop thinking about it and I won't be in danger of falling off the cliff when I have a weak moment.
This resonates with me @SimonM. To be honest, I've had this same problem myself, random opportunities to hook up with someone, women making it obvious at work etc., and I've always let me mind go there, even though porn was not an option. In fact, many of my relapses have been me just coming back from work, or some other opportunity on a trip that I just passed up, and thus, out of my "frustration" I told myself, "let's at least look at porn because that's not cheating". This is probably why I have a hard time thinking porn is cheating by the way, because to me, often it was what I ran to so as to NOT cheat. Maybe it's a 1 or 2 on the scale of cheating, but no matter what, I've always let this fantasy run free in my mind, and boy is it exhausting! Only till recently, mostly since I've been here on RN, have I really started to say no to myself for the first time and proclaim "Cheating is not option", and I tell you what, I still have my problems, but the difference is night and day.

What we allow to ferment in our minds grows at a rapid pace, and can eat at us until we can't take it anymore.

Am I saying I'm perfect at this now, fuck no, and that's okay, but my thoughts are way better since cheating also is now not an option. Here's an example, when I was on my foreign trip last summer, one of my biggest fears was that I would get myself into "some" situation like I always do, and I would have to run away back to my hotel all alone and look at porn like I had always done in my past because of my "sexual frustrations!". Although I definitely had an opportunity, I smiled, enjoyed that it was possible, but didn't let my mind go there, cheating wasn't an option for me any more, and thus, I went back to my room, and didn't whack one out for literally the first time in my life - I kept my streak going. This isn't a pat myself on the back story (although I am really proud of myself for this), it's just to show you that my life has really changed when I finally decided that cheating also is not option.

Women are awesome, as I always talk about and I hope that that's not misunderstood by some here, but I'm only addressing feeling shame about our natural attractions for women as men, however, I'm not talking about letting those natural fantasies and thoughts consume us. At least to me, these two things are completely different. One is natural, but anything more than just the initial moment of noticing beauty, especially if one is married or in a committed relationship, makes a man feel just as sexually frustrated as looking at porn and not actual being able to have any of these women in your bed. There's simply no reason to even go there mentally, besides the possible moral and life consequences that will follow.

It all literally starts in the mind, but we ARE the captains of our own ships.

Porn is not an option

Cheating is not an option

Hopefully some of this helps you.

Best
 
Last edited:

TryingHarder

Active Member
the feeling I used to get while on "the hunt" for the perfect picture to PMO to.
I think we all have experienced this. These days (almost 6 months clean) I find myself still "hunting" online: scrolling through YouTube or Facebook, looking for - what, exactly? I believe this part of the porn addiction - the looking - has been hardwired into my brain. I think about what it would be like to do this in real life: spend an entire evening walking up and down a street, looking in shop windows for nothing in particular, but I'll know it when I find it! What the hell? That's no way to spend your time.

And the "call of the sirens" can be a real challenge. I just remind myself that these girls aren't real, and I would be a fool jerking off in front of my computer if I listen to them. ;)
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@SimonM - I just wrote on @TryingHarder ’s journal that I don’t think anyone can give you a magic pill for your call of the sirens. When I got to a difficult (massive urge to break out into full porn, huge PMO fest) stage I combatted it with just thinking about the new me. Why even contemplate going back to the old one. It was like you come to a crossroads and it’s obvious which way you go. It is obvious. It may be hard to take the road on the left when someone is beckoning you down the other road. So…it’s incredibly difficult to stop seeing the beckoning, but the more we laugh at that, and we need to laugh, the dimmer that beckoning is.

You inspire me because you are fighting. Fight really hard.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Just checking in here. Doing ok.

I have stopped browsing that club website. For now. I am not able to turn off the option to go there in my mind the way I've been able to for P.

Anyway. Feeling pretty good. The days are just passing by and I don't feel much change anymore - the ups and downs are mostly done. The symptoms are weak but sometimes suddenly make an appareance.

5th month.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Blue balls today. Last few days I get a strong physical reaction from just feeling fabric rub against myself as I walk, dress, etc.

Not sure why I'm so sensitive... but I am guessing it's part of the ups and downs of recovery. I haven't MO'd much either, but it's not like that's zero. Maybe I do once or twice a week... usually helps me keep the excess energy lower. My wife hasn't been available the last little while (regular monthly cycle) and I've felt like getting it on with her for sure since the weekend. If I can focus all that energy on the two of us that would be very very nice. Sometimes life is just so busy and we're tired after the kids are in bed and it doesn't happen as often as we wish it would... Though I'd say since about day 80 I've been more able to get excited about being with her, have made more efforts, and it's definitely led to an uptick in our intimate life.

Let's do a day count for once. I'm on day 140.
40 more days until I beat my all time high for clean streaks in 30 years or so!
 

SimonM

Active Member
I was weak and ogled where I shouldn't have ogled. Now I will pay the price feeling triggered for a day or two. Shit. What I did is also degrading to myself and the girl I did it to.

I see again how you can look as hard as you want but that doesn't give you the thing you desire. All it gives you is a fantasy that you can't capture. And then of course the thought creeps in that I could capture it by looking at P. Also a lie.

Damn it.
I'm making the 5th month harder for myself.
 
Top