Feeling super sexually charged these last few days. Maybe because I'm barely MOing, maybe just another one of those waves along the journey of recovery.
Last night I had several dreams with sexual overtones - some echoes from daytime thoughts about women in my life... strangely I have felt a sexual tension from a woman I am not particulary attracted to (although she is very good looking) and that I've known for years... but suddenly I am noticing that she is lightly touching me quite often (at work) - and she featured in my dream.
I am suseptible to affairs - honestly if a beautiful woman went after me I'd have very little strength to resist. I think it has to do with often feeling rejected or unnoticed when I was young (teens and twenties)... but I'm also a man, and I think most men are a bit weak in that regard.
I've been waiting to write this post for a long time. I'm officially on the longest streak since I was about 14 years old. 181 days and counting.
I honestly didn't think six months ago that I would hit this milestone. I had stopped believing. I had stopped believing in my own self-worth, in my will-power, and in a better life being possible. I was half expecting my whole life to crash down at any moment. Today I know for very certain that I won't go back to it. This streak will continue and be my new life. I am done trying things and am just doing them instead.
But much work remains to be done.
I am certain I have a bit of an internet addiction. I've started wasting time in other ways online since P has been unavailable to me. I'm still toying with the idea of cheating with escorts. Damn. I still have body pains that come and go in waves of several weeks in length it seems (currently having them blue balls). And despite my confidence in being done with P I know it could get me in an instant if I relax my commitment. I cannot allow any borderline picture and video searches for example. If I do, I know I will completely fail soon after. I may always remain close to the precipice and will have to live my life like that's where I am. Tethered into a safety line.
Anyway. Today is a day to be grateful for having found this place to give me the strength to turn a corner. And as hard as I find it to give myself any credit ever, I will appreciate this victory for myself. I CAN be the master of my own actions.
Thank you everyone for your help here! It means a lot to have you all by my side.
Another week has flown by. No time to think much about porn.
Had some strange energies this week - a lack of interest in my wife (that seems to oscillate with feeling very horny around her) and some significant blue balls.
Blue balls probably came from going for a dental cleaning. Yeah weird. Well - I find the hygienist super attractive and it IS a very intimate experience to be so close to her for almost an hour. I've known her for years and have been fantasizing about having an affair with her. Last time she acted a bit embarassed when I caught her admitting that she knows her special clients better than others, and implying that I was one of those. No worries - I'm not taking any inapropriate actions at all, but that stuff is fueling my fantasies, which is fueling my blue balls...
Just a quick comment @SimonM - Blue balls is fuelled by fantasy I am sure, or to be more exact, still ploughing those brain furrows. Brain says here comes ejaculation, so if you don’t come the balls have been deprived of emptying and you get pain. Less fantasy = less blue balls. Fantasy can be a really difficult thing to lose grip of, almost counter intuitive, but I am sure it is part of recovery and arguably one of the hardest things to do.
Your brain wants you to fantasise about your dental hygienist. You stop by denying yourself release and eventually your brain gives up. It’s possibly not helping you for me to say it, but I am utterly convinced. Hard mode taught me many things.
great mini discussion here. i think men and women process fantasy inherently differently. men will fantasize and would often act on that fantasy whether by trying to actually have a physical affair, or, in our cases, acting out through masturbation/orgasm with or without porn. conversely a woman may find a man interesting or attractive but i think would be much less likely to feel the need for some sort of release or pursue something. again i could be wrong but i definitely think men including myself often turn to porn as a way to alleviate sexual frustration when it comes to a fantasy or an encounter with some woman that he would love to be with sexually but cannot for whatever reason.
totally agree with @GBS about the blue balls and mental. it is the brain wanting to push for that release. going without sexual release often, as we here on the reboot are doing, makes the feeling of wanting that release very very powerful. and boy it can be hard to resist...
i know this because i struggle with fantasy a lot. especially as i am abstinent/hard mode too, my brain veers into fantasy land often about a couple co-workers who in my brain can fulfill any and every sexual fantasy that i want. never mind the fact that i have no idea what they would really be like in that situation. but its all my brain telling me that that's what i want.
Visiting family for the holidays for about a week. I've been spending some time looking at adult club site again... Fantasizing. A waste of time. Not super triggering actually (no explicit content, and I don't feel triggering after), but the end result could be disastrous. So why bother?
I hope to finish this year strong and by focusing on my family and wife instead of stupid fantasies.
This will be the first new year in who knows how long where I don't have to make a resolution to never look at P again. Because I haven't in almost 8 months, and know I won't.
That's the good. Then there's the bad. I have always felt that I missed out in my teens and early 20s. Didn't lose my virginity till 23 (porn contributed to that I'm sure) and my first girlfriend (of 4 years) was not attractive. I only had two sexual partners when I met my wife - one being a sex worker I couldn't even climax with... And while I love my wife and we have great sex, I never saw her as a stunner either. So I want to make up for that. Be with young gorgeous women now... That's where the temptation of the adult club comes in...
Making a resolution not to go there may not work because I don't feel the inner commitment the way I know I'm done with P. I know how to keep it hidden... Nobody will ever know. I AM a good husband and father in most ways... It's like I've split off a part of myself. My wife would be absolutely shocked to see this side of me, because she experiences a dedicated and loving man.
I feel bad writing this... What kind of husband am I? I am shallow and dishonest. But I don't come here to be a hero in anyone's eyes... But to face the truth. My journey with sex addiction continues. Just not with porn.