Holding the Fool (me) to Account

Simon2

Simon2

Active Member
You know @Gracie, I've asked myself that question over the years... and I can say for sure that I don't expect sex with a stunner to be better. I mean really, it's about so much more than the visual. It's about connection, understanding each other, knowing what the other person likes... BUT - I think I always felt that I should get to experience what it's like to be with someone who's "really hot". It's not about great sex but about "having" someone really attractive I think. Sort of the same way I "posess" a porn girl in my fantasies - only it's real. But I mean, paying someone to have sex with you can't possibly lead to great results... knowing that person is only doing it for the money - not because they like you.

I do think you have a point too about feeling "worthy" of someone super hot. In my younger years I often wished I could be with a girl like that... Now, when I contemplate these actions, what attracts me is to be with someone of the age I was back then when I didn't manage it. Ironically I was always proud of myself for not being shallow and not just going for the looks - it was quite frustrating to me that so many girls would date the "hot" guys but I was overlooked. Now I understand better that a lot of what we consider "hot" simply has to do with self confidence.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Active Member
Something I've noticed is that as my addiction progressed I lost my moral compass more and more. I lost myself really. I became numb to feelings of guilt over my conduct, the idea that my actions represent a betrayal, the type of material I was accessing (yes, it was very very wrong). I became numb to feeling love for my partner at times as well.

That hasn't worn off. I feel absolutely no guilt from the idea of cheating on my wife. My morals are corrupted and low. I can't even identify with a guy who cries true tears of regret for having hurt their partner. To me that seems false and only put on to manipulate. I honestly don't think being discovered would make me feel true guilt - only ashamed... but maybe I'm wrong. I hope that seeing that pain in my partner would awaken something in me.

But truly I never want to go there. She doesn't deserve that pain and I will do my utmost to never let her see the true darkness of my actions. I hope that a higher self will gradually come back. The guy who deeply cared about spirituality and having ideals to live by... The only way to get there is let my actions lead. To lead the life I know I want to live - and hope that my inner life will follow. I've tried it the other way around in the past (years ago I had very strong spiritual ideals but my actions never lived up to those as I was deeply addicted) and that didn't work for sure...

In my 8th month now.
 
N

Nico

Active Member
I appreciate the honesty in this, and am sure a higher self will come back in time. Addictions twist everything up, and can make us selfish and destroy our moral compass. Facing that is important for recovery, and reminds me of 12 steps where you list out the harms, form a list of 'character defects' which are usually actually addiction-caused 'defects' and then make efforts to change those. My character as a result of being an alcoholic looked bloody grim on paper, but most of it changed in time. I guess I need to face the porn related defects as well, and appreciate the reminder. The main thing is you are killing it with 8 months clean, and are making all the efforts to be a better man.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Active Member
Hoping to start the year of right and keep it going.

The last six weeks I've been in a terrible funk. I was never tempted to go look at porn per say, but I spent many hours on my twitter account that I've used to pursue relations with sex workers. An account I closed in the summer and reopened in November. Here and there I've come across porn type images that way. I told myself that it wasn't a relapse because I didn't stop to look at those images... the thrill came from persuing potential setups with these ladies...

But then I looked in the mirror a couple of days ago and discovered that I hate myself again. :( I am not the man I want to be right now. I can chase a fantasy for the rest of my life but the true beauty is to appreciate the family I have right under my nose.

I've closed the account. I can't go there. Just like I can't go to porn. It has to not be an option. Period.
This will be harder. Once I opened that pandora's box and know what's potentially in it it's very hard to close it for good sadly...

Here's to 2023 everyone. Let's be our best selves. Let me be my best self.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Active Member
I try to think how I would view myself if I was a character in a movie... Probably I'd hate him.

I had this very interesting experience a few years ago where I snuck to a strip club after my choir rehearsal. There I saw another man from my choir getting a lap dance from some girl. Every time I saw that guy afterward I thought "oh there's that perv". LOL. And that's me too - "the perv". At some level I must have loathed myself just the same way...
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Simon2 said:
I try to think how I would view myself if I was a character in a movie... Probably I'd hate him.
Click to expand...

The good news with that is- you're the actor, meaning that if you don't like the character you're playing, change the character, change the script.

I remember being trapped in some ritual acting out, and when it was highly predictable what I was going to do next, I told myself, "Flip the script!" Do something so 'out of character' that it disrupts the pattern, and opens up the possibility for new behaviors.

Hate the character, but never hate the one 'playing him'.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Active Member
Just another day without porn. Not tempted. My wife was all amorous this morning (before the kids were up and I was just cracking a lid), which was a nice surprise... I feel inside though that my recent struggles with escort fantasizing has left a very negative mark - I can't fully feel good about myself. Time will heal that as long as I stay clear.

It's not an option. And that's that.
8th month.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

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Staff member
Moderator
Simon2 said:
I can't fully feel good about myself. Time will heal that as long as I stay clear.
Click to expand...

I can understand this, and if allowed, it could overshadow or taint all the other good stuff going on. Don't let this happen to you.

What happened, happened. It was simply your conditioned self reaching for dopamine hits. Understand yourself, be self-compassionate, and move on.

You're not that person, and you know it. Move on, enjoy today.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Active Member
A typical moment for me right now:

Sitting at my computer early in the morning. I feel like I want something. It's almost like my dick is doing the talking... "I want to F*** something". At this stage I don't actually have much physical pain (or feeling) assocatied with that (I used to), but my mind is just restless... I find it hard to concentrate on something for an extended period of time. This used to be when I would maybe start looking at some borderline material. Later in the day I would say "ah f*** it" and just give in and have a long P session. Usually when I want/need to procrastinate.

I still feel very strong though and don't follow that pattern anymore. I don't even consider edging or looking at borderline materials right now. I do consider MO... but do it infrequently. But sometimes it helps calm down my mind if I do it - problem is it makes it more likely (I think) that I'll have this talk from my dick again tomorrow...

This restless feeling definitely still leads to procrastination. Now that P is not an option for me I have found that I've started looking at stupid videos on social media (e.g. car crash compilations)... in the end I feel like I wasted a bunch of my day - which is not a good feeling.

So let's have a good day today. I'm at a nice even number of days on this journey I think:
222 days.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Active Member
Already Sunday again! Time flies. Took the kids tobogganing, snow shoeing, AND skating yesterday. And one of them had a riding lesson. That's a busy day! Today we go skiing.

I am feeling quite good in this journey. Staying strong. Starting to reconnect emotionally with my wife after the dark period at the end of the year where my thoughts were on cheating...
 
Gracie

Gracie

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Your day yesterday sounded awesomely fun! We have had no snow yet🙁,! But I am hopeful! Connection to family is key I think to refocus on what is important. Just being an SO I can tell that when I feel thoughts of the past, picking up my grandson and heading to the park really takes them away. Then of course husband gets involved to. And there we are! Grandson 3 locked self in bathroom while we played run from the bears. Had to have “Pa” come home for the rescue! Hilarious and ended well!
 
Simon2

Simon2

Active Member
... and suddenly today I have a super strong urge to go on a crazy binge.

It all started with a couple of lines in a book I'm reading describing a cute girl who wants to invite the protagonist over to her house. From there I've been remembering some of the content I've seen in the past, then in the car I heard a news report that triggered me some more...

Thank god I have an ironclad rule to not lift a single finger toward any activity remotely connected to giving in. Because otherwise I'd start by looking at some borderline content now, and I know that by lunchtime I'd be having a full blown relapse.

Not today. Fuck porn.
Still in my 8th month.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
@Simon2

Mate, you more you go through the shit, the better you come out at the end. Strong urges are sent to try us, even in your 8th month. It’s a test. You passed. Part of you possibly wanted to fail that test, but it didn’t because you have resolve. It’s fucking awesome is what is. Fucking awesome. My already good day is even better.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Active Member
Today I foolishly decided to "check" if an old site I used to go to (the worst of the worst by the way) is still there... it wasn't. But I quickly found a few alternatives and snooped around a bit. That totally defies my ironclad law of doing NOTHING that goes in the direction of hunting for titilating content. That has been THE foundation of my success this time around - my longest streak in 30 years.

Once I did get there, due to the nature of the sites, I didn't actually see any porn (or at least I didn't let my eyes rest on any images that could be called such). After a few minutes I left and now have a very clear impression of how that actually wasn't good at all, and to find so called "good" content I would have had to waste a few hours. I don't feel too shitty, but I also remember that the longer I would have lingered the more shitty in fact I would feel afterward.

So yeah. I won't reset my counter because I don't feel that this triggered anything in me and was NOT a PMO session. But it is a reminder that failure is always only a click away. Always. Unless I'm off the grid somewhere...

I'll have to be extra careful for a few days. I can't repeat because chances are I'll be on a slippery slope before long.

Have a great porn free weekend everyone. F**k this shit.
8th month.
 
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