Holding the Fool (me) to Account


Active Member
Thank you for checking in with me @Blondie. The answer is, not good. :(

I haven't outright looked at porn, but I have compiled a list of girls on an escort listings site. WTF? I have fantasized for days about seeing one of them... I've used it as a way to stimulate sexual energy.

Have I PMOd? No. But that'll be the next step if I don't stop this immediately, and there's the danger that I'll actually make an appointment to see one of these girls. So it has to stop!

I am fooling myself if I tell myself this behaviour doesn't fall under what's "not an option". It has to not be an option.

I'm still a fool. :(


Respected Member
Sorry to hear this @Simon2.

It's never too late to back out. You haven't done anything yet, so just back up and move on with freedom.

Don't let the shame of almost fucking up, make you fuck up. Remember, there is a grand canyon like differentiation between the two. Don't let your brain trick you into something you'll regret instantly.

You've come a long way.

Escorts are not an option.

Phineas 808

Staff member
I'm still a fool. :(

Hi Simon,

This is a judgment call, and not particularly helpful right now.

In reality, it's not you, it's your brain. Your (lower) brain is the 'fool'- but an innocent fool. It's only suggesting via thoughts/urges/rationalizations things it deems as solutions to the pains and stresses in life.

Thankfully you have executive power (via your higher brain), and can veto whatever your beast-brain is suggesting.

But if you do this with as little judgment and/or emotion as possible, simply by dismissing the urges mindfully, this thing will come and go.


Active Member
Thank you @Blondie and @Phineas 808!

I can step back from this and that's what I'm doing right now. That site cannot be an option anymore.
Today I am focusing on enjoying spending time with my family, including my dad, who's visiting for the first time in many years (I only see him infrequently as he lives overseas).

We soldier on - into the 10th month for me.


Respected Member
@Simon2 - just for the record I don’t think you’ve a fool. As brother @Phineas 808 says, it’s a straight fight between you and your brain. The brain landed a punch but I reckon you’re several rounds ahead. It’s fucking hard resisting. It really is. It gnaws at you. It’s within arm’s reach. On the face of it, it doesn’t seem harmful. Problem is, we know it is actually extremely harmful. Like drinking poison, even though the bottle says “beer” on it.

Keep resisting pal. You’re one of the heroes on here lest you forget.


Well-Known Member
I'm still a fool. :(
You're not a fool, just someone struggling with an addiction. Like Blondie says, almost fucking up is not the same as fucking up. Do what you can to break up your routine, stay off the internet, mess up the trail of breadcrumbs that can lead you back to porn and escorts. Feel free to borrow my motto: no relapses, no retreat!


Active Member
I'm still alive. Sorry for the long silence.

I don't want to talk about it, but I had another reminder about a week ago about the destructive potential of my addictive behaviour with sex and porn. Almost brought ruin to my life. But I think I may be in the clear now.

Despite all the recent struggles I am still porn free - but I need to recommit to walking down that different street. I would say I've been getting sucked into some pot holes lately.

I'm thinking of all you guys, and hope to catch up with people's journals again.