Holding the Fool (me) to Account

GBS

Well-Known Member
Day 14 is amazing. The ogling and objectifying will continue for a bit but it does go I promise you. Your brain is really hoping you give in. The rewards you will get will blow your mind if you don’t succumb to the pressure. Persevere.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
I've also been noticing women a lot more during my reboot. Don't know if I would call it ogling, just "checking out". Probably you're in a moment where you need to avoid any stimulation like this. In time, I'll bet looking at women will become more positive for you, since it's not looking at porn.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
I found that I was doing it constantly when out and about. For the past 7 weeks I have started to catch myself doing it and practise looking the other way. It doesn't really hurt me if I miss out on seeing someone hot, or allow a pair of legs to go unogled. I am still doing it, but it has toned down a lot.

Well done for day 14.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
I have to ask myself: what are my motives?
For example, why do I need to run in an area where I will most likely see female runners? There are better places to run where the ground is softer and the trails are a little more challenging....
When I watch a movie, do I gravitate towards the one that has explicit sexual content?
Also, when I work out, do I look in the mirror to make sure my form is good or am I more concerned with how I look or may be perceived by females?
Do I say things around women to make myself appear a certain way rather than just be natural and completely honest!
So much of society and social interaction is full of sexual tension. I used to work out of a real estate office, and we used to have these office parties, and all the guys, after a few beers, would congregate around the young attractive women....it was so pathetic.
I was brainwashed as a kid to believe that everything in life revolves around this sexual tension. It's a paradigm, a worldview.
What we need is a shift in our basic understanding of what makes society a healthy place to live in.
What are some of the hero's characteristics? Well, for one, delayed gratification, and for two, a lofty goal that benefits all of mankind typically.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Thank you @Aeodh Dan , @PrometheusUnbound, @TryingHarder, and @GBS. Your support means a lot!

I totally agree with you @Aeodh Dan! The thing is I know all these things but I don't have the inner strength to resist the pull of porn. The easiest is definitely to choose a different path, one that doesn't lead to triggers, when you still feel strong. It's much harder when go to the edge and then try not to cross it! Something to work on - not seeking out those situations. Like right now I have been flirting with a mom at my boys school. I look for her and make a special effort to smile at her and ask her how she is. I love her beautiful smile... but then I walk away triggered. Now I'm in danger of giving in to porn later that day a lot more. Things like that I could easily avoid to a great extent.

Today I'm feeling the urge because I am alone with my computer. A huge trigger. But I also have a good book. Gonna go read that now for a bit.

Day 15.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Last few days it's been a bit easier. I am not as grumpy (everyone around me knew something was off a couple of weeks ago). I can focus better. My pains are not quite as bad. They are still there though - and I actually think now I have to be especially vigilant as I am starting to "forget" how badly I want to leave P behind.

I should focus on not touching myself all the time. I sit here and notice my hand just goes there and puts a bit of pressure on. Just ramps up the energies ever so much. Does NOT help.

Day 16.
 

SimonM

Active Member
I always get worried when I reach this point when I put myself in a really triggering situation (like right now - up way later than my wife in front of the computer) and I barely feel an urge to PMO. I mean that's great, right? That's what I'm aiming for.

But I feel like I'm missing something... a rush I'd like to have... in the past that's often when I ended up eventually failing - after I'd made it through the worst withdrawal but when I started to just miss the rush. I can win the short hard fight but lose the protracted low-level struggle. Not this time. Off to bed with me.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
This is discipline of the highest level. It’s a true mind f**k. Your brain is so hard wired to watch porn so it’s doing everything it can to tempt you back. You’ve done two weeks. This is THE hardest time. No one would forgive you if you relapsed…. That was your brain talking then by the way. The devil on your shoulder.

Proud of you @SimonM . I read you every day.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Last few days it's been a bit easier. I am not as grumpy (everyone around me knew something was off a couple of weeks ago). I can focus better. My pains are not quite as bad. They are still there though - and I actually think now I have to be especially vigilant as I am starting to "forget" how badly I want to leave P behind.

I should focus on not touching myself all the time. I sit here and notice my hand just goes there and puts a bit of pressure on. Just ramps up the energies ever so much. Does NOT help.

Day 16.
I have some of the same issues. I have gotten pretty good at getting up doing something on my to do list when I get aroused. However, I am at a stage of potential complacency (especially as my darkness is still recent) - and you are right, as the pain subsides, so does the urgency. And my porn brain tells me it's ok. And I have to look back and remind myself its not.

Well done for getting to Day 16!
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
I hate the thought of masturbation, of "touching myself". I've done it so many times in my life that I feel like I am thoroughly done, that poor penis, it just wants to be left alone, and so I will...
The mind part though, now that's a different story. The human mind is WOW, that's all I can say. It can tap into A LOT of different stuff....
On this recovery journey I am aiming for sobriety, and I mean total sobriety. Sobriety has been a bad word to me, because it sounds like boredom, like no fun, no adventure, like it's not something to look forward to. But I look at it differently now. To me it's CLEAR THINKING that I wish to attain, in everything I do, not only CLARITY in thinking but also CLARITY in NOT thinking, because there are times when it's better not to think. It's like looking into a clear body of water and just absorbing what you see without analyzing it. Being in the CLEAR, that's where I want to be....
The mind moves you to touch yourself, but you are not your mind, you and your mind are actually separate, at least that is what I have concluded through my meditation practices. "Harnessing" the mind, like harnessing a strong stallion, is work, good honest work!
 

SimonM

Active Member
It's been a few days but things are going well. I just had a busy weekend. Too busy to get into any sort of temptation almost.

Today my wife is away all day and most of the evening. So vigilance is important. I did MO this morning to take the edge off for today. Hopefully that was not a bad idea - I really didn't actually feel a huge urge... but maybe I gave myself an excuse by saying it would help me avoid temptations during the day. That usually does sort of work, but I also usually pay for it the day or two after with increased urges again. I won't give in.

I am on day 20 now.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
day 20 of what? You just MO'd....
so you mean porn free?
well, consider that porn is in the mind first; I wonder if jerking off to fantasy and jerking off to media images might be the same?
Please don't take it as criticism, just a challenge, and you are welcome to challenge me also!
 
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SimonM

Active Member
Yeah, my challenge is to go porn free only. I know that dropping MO is eventually a goal too but at this point I have to take it one step at a time.

Having said that I have MOd maybe 4 times in the last month, much better than my 3 to 4 times a week before. I definitely fantasize in porn images when I MO. I admit that. So yeah, I know it's not great and can't really be part of a longterm strategy. Eventually the MO will lead me back to P. I hope that without explicitly swearing off of it though that my urge to do it gradually fades and eventually I won't hardly think of it. I don't know though if I have it as a goal to absolutely never MO again...

My thoughts may evolve. We shall see! But I remain steadfastly committed to no P. I know I can't control that at a low level. It ALWAYS gets bad quickly again.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@SimonM I am not the authority on no MO but I have tried it and am generally reaching about 30 days before I crack. MO is such a habit that breaking it is massive. BUT I do sense for the full back to factory settings reboot one has to wipe out the fantasy MO thing. I am not saying you need to go there yet, but I have feeling that your MO habit may hinder your no PMO progress.

I too am wondering whether I can get to a life of no MO. It is fascinating observing my own brain as the days keep mounting.

Keep going, and keep writing. You inspire.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Three weeks without P. Not bad. Probably better than I've done in a few years. But it's just the start. I am not looking back. Climbing this mountain is tough 0 but the reward, I KNOW, will be worth it. I already feel better about myself - not good - but better.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Heard today in SAA meeting about two guys who went 9 months without M’ing. I don’t know if they had normal sex with their partners or whether this was the ultimate monk job. If it was the latter I hope the rewards are worth it. I personally do not think I could do that even if I was paid. Makes you think though.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Well done on completing 3 weeks!

I am in a somewhat similar situation regarding MO, and need to start structuring my approach. It's not helping with deprogramming instant the desire for instant gratification, and my fantasies are becoming less controlled.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
Heard today in SAA meeting about two guys who went 9 months without M’ing. I don’t know if they had normal sex with their partners or whether this was the ultimate monk job. If it was the latter I hope the rewards are worth it. I personally do not think I could do that even if I was paid. Makes you think though.
You can do it if you WILL it! I'm not saying you need to, but you CAN.
For me, monk mode is the only way right now...so much of this is the mind...the complex and fascinating MIND!
 
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