Holding the Fool (me) to Account

[Simon2]

Still doing well. Had a good weekend. Barely felt any urges. I avoided triggers to some degree but also took some extra looks at women that I shouldn't have. I feel healthier and I definitely have a more positive attitude towards myself than I did six weeks ago. I feel like I am less of a fraud - more what people see in me than before. I hope some positive vibes will help carry me forward. But vigilance remains crucial. Easy to fail after 30 days or so...

I'm on day 34.

 

[Phineas 808]

Good job, brother, on 34+!

 

[GBS]

Good job nearly 5 weeks for you. If you feel different then that’s the reward. Hold on to that feeling because you’ll get it lots in the coming months. If you’re going full monk mode you must be struggling a bit with no MO. Discipline. Your increased testosterone will be giving off an aura of self confidence. i.e. Watch out because you’ll be more attractive to other women.

 

[Simon2]

Thank you @GBS. That's an interesting thought. I never think I'm attractive to women and I would be shocked if one made moves - I'm utterly unprepared for that and would find it hard to resist to be honest if I found her cute. Let's hope it doesn't happen! ... because I already have a beautiful woman that is my wife!

Not much to report today. Been very busy and not tempted to much. Gotta get some more work done this evening... so on to that!

Day 36. I'm guessing my best streak in about 1.5 years so far. Definitely wouldn't be happening if I wasn't here posting to keep myself to account - with all of your help!

 

[GBS]

I am 100+ days sober and you may not want to hear this but I get strong urges to look at porn. The big difference though is that I now truly “know” that my brain was injured so whilst it’s obvious to us all that watching porn is wrong, when one knows that one can mend the injury there is more incentive to stay away from it. That’s what I hang on to daily. It makes me a bit of a goody goody, but it’s the truth.

As for you being more attractive, I haven’t exactly had the ladies queuing round the block but I feel empowered and confident. The confidence is a different kind of confidence like you know you’ve corrected part of yourself so you’re more whole. Who could resist that. At the moment for me the answer is: my wife. Wow….she’s got self control!

 

[Simon2]

A hard day today. For the first time in a while I am hope totally by myself. Nobody here for hours and hours... It would be so easy to give in. My urges are actually not that bad in some ways - my body doesn't demand P the way it used to. BUT - my mind is weak. It sees an opening. Don't touch myself - don't stimulate. Let's make it to tomorrow!

Day 37.

 

[Simon2]

It's been away a few days, but I'm still here. I've fantasized and ogled a bit too much but I haven't strayed into P. Feeling decent - don't hate myself, which is a good step forward. Had a day out in nature and active with climbing yesterday, which is always good for me.

I am cautiously hopeful that this time could be a real change in my journey. But it's not my first streak of 40 days...

 

[TryingHarder]

Great work, Simon!

 

[GBS]

Keep going. Remember we a team fighting off the devil. We are strong.

 

[Simon2]

I'm not here quite as much this week - a sign that I haven't had time to sit down in front of the computer. I'm keeping busy. Maybe too busy as I feel behind in my work that DOES take the computer to do. But I'm spending time with the kids, preparing for a camping trip (no internet for 4 days will make for an easy rest of the week!), and doing some work on a volunteer project that I'm probably giving too much time to - but I'm needed there.

Being busy is good to stay away from P. But what happens when things slow down? In the past when that happened I often also suddenly had a resurgent urge for P. I'm feeding off the energy of having my longest clean streak in probably a few years - I want to keep it going. I hope I can.

Today is day 42. 6 weeks.
Have a great week everyone if I don't check in again before I head for the Canadian wilderness with my family and our canoe.

 

[TakeActionNow]

@SimonM you're absolutely right on being busy as a key foundation of P prevention. Another key I follow is about self improvement.
The reason is because being busy and self improving are both effortful and rewarding. It recharges our esteem bank. And when we are feeling good about ourselves, there is no need for external emotional supplementation and dependency, which is what PMO really is.
With better effort and self recognition comes better self awareness and self care.
In time PMO will be completely irrelevant.

 

[Simon2]

Back from my camping trip. Definitely got fantasies in my head - but they don't control me the way they do when I'm on P. After 47 days it's fairly easy to not get amped up by these thoughts. But I should work on eliminating the thoughts and THAT I find hard. I don't want to. The addict in me doesn't want to give up yet - and that's dangerous in the long run. Practicing medidation - controlling the mind would probably be very helpful - but I don't find I have the motivation for it.

Day 47.

 

[TryingHarder]

Great work, Simon. As time goes by, you should find the urges and the memories fading. But of course that takes time; at 90+ days it's easy for my mind to conjure up certain images and fantasies. Meditation can be many things - even taking 30 seconds to simply focus on sitting quietly and breathing in and out slowly helps.

 

[GBS]

I think time really does heal. If you used to have “go to” fantasies but you don’t use them anymore, your brain lets them go eventually. Can’t tell you when that will be precisely but it does happen. All this healing of the brain is gradual, but it is healing that’s for sure. Keep going please.

 

[Blondie]

Hey Simon, these things definitely cool down with time. My mind at this point is mostly fantasy free, although once in a while something will still randomly pop in my head. It is what it is, and it's nothing to beat yourself up about.

As far as trying to not think about these thoughts, let me tell ya, it's impossible not to! You simply can't not not think about something. So the best thing to do when your mind is thinking about some fantasy, is to not make it NOT think about it, but to purposely think on something else, a life goal, someone you love, you're favorite music, etc.

The trick is to not panic when your mind starts throwing this shit at you, just let it be and think on something else.

Best.

 

[Simon2]

Thank you @Blondie, @GBS, and @TryingHarder! Much appreciated feedback.

Today is a difficult day. Alone at the office - in a similar situation where I did almost all my acting out over the last couple of years. But tomorrow will be 7 weeks. So let's stay strong.

I'm in a weird place this time around as I am NOT telling my wife that I've joined this forum (she knew about it when I was on a forum some years ago). You'd think I'd want her to know that I'm working to overcome this addiction (she's well aware that this has been a struggle for me for decades). But I worry that if she knows then she'll wonder how bad it's been... I've pretended for a couple of years that I had things "under control" and she didn't need to worry. I'm a coward maybe but I also know that the full truth would inflict a tremendous amount of pain - it could even end our marriage. Is that necessary? I think not - and I hope that's both the coward AND the caring husband in me speaking. As long as I REALLY am breaking from the past and get to a place where I am not just pretending to have it under control. She deserves that and so much more. 10 year anniversary this weekend by the way... yeah, I felt a little less a fraud this year on that day...

Day 48.

 

[Blondie]

Hey Simon.

I like your thoughts here, and you propose a very interesting discussion.

I think in a perfect world, sure, you would tell your wife everything and you guys could be a team in this battle. But, this world isn't perfect and I understand that everyone's situation is different.

For me, my gut reaction would be to tell her, but that's because I was honest with my girl and my porn watching right from the beginning, and I never hid it from her. For years she knew everything and thought it was pretty funny and never thought it was cheating. There was only a small moment in our relationship where I hid my porn use from her (camgirls) and that definitely was a wild ride when I came clean to her almost a year ago. This obviously broke her heart, not because she thought it was cheating, but because I had kept it from her, and doing this made her rightfully feel like she couldn't trust me. We were a team fighting this shit together, and then all of a sudden, one team mate wasn't telling all the truth. Bad on me.

However, I say all of that to say, everyone's story is different and one man's perspective won't always work for someone else. I think you're right, the truth sometimes doesn't always work how we want it to work and maybe what's really the best thing is to just work on ourselves and be the best person we can be for our partner/spouse. Then maybe one day, after you've cleaned up this mess and gotten yourself to a place you want to be, maybe then you could tell her.

Best man.

You're a good man for being here, never forget that.

 

[GBS]

I intuitively think you’re doing the right thing @SimonM. I think you need to work yourself out first. I have to believe she likes this new you. Keep improving. @Blondie is right that in an ideal world you come clean, but only you can judge the risk. If there are partners reading this thread, I wonder if they have a view. Women are incredibly strong remember and want to know the score. I don’t think I have helped now I read this back!

 

[Simon2]

I took a few long long looks at a place where I REALLY should not, cannot, look. Now I am paying the price. Feeling super triggered, and frankly dirty. I gotta learn to control those eyes of mine. Especially around girls way too young for me, or for anyone to have sexual thoughts about. That's the truth.

I won't give in. I've come here instead of heading down the ol' porn road. There isn't any cure to be found there.

On a good note - today it's 7 weeks. 7 weeks where I haven't done any borderline searches. Just staying far away from P. I'm gonna keep doing that.

Day 49.

 

[Blondie]

Stay strong SimonM, remember, black and white thinking can kill you in moments like this. Since you looked at whatever you looked at, your mind might tell you you might as well go all the way, or, it's practically porn so go for it!

None of this is true, so stay the course and keep on keeping on!

Best