Holding the Fool (me) to Account

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
I took a few long long looks at a place where I REALLY should not, cannot, look. Now I am paying the price. Feeling super triggered, and frankly dirty. I gotta learn to control those eyes of mine. Especially around girls way too young for me, or for anyone to have sexual thoughts about. That's the truth.

I won't give in. I've come here instead of heading down the ol' porn road. There isn't any cure to be found there.

On a good note - today it's 7 weeks. 7 weeks where I haven't done any borderline searches. Just staying far away from P. I'm gonna keep doing that.

Day 49.
You kept your shape and know your path. I feel that the dirty feelings are now our protection from escalation, whereas before were a gateway to it.

Stay strong!
 

SimonM

Active Member
Staying strong. I feel anxious today and a bit down. I am certain a part of that is related to my recovery - which I've noticed comes in waves - it gets better, then worse again for a few days, then better... gradually the lows are not as deep and the highs are more enduring. Gradually.

Day 50.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Two more days and then I'm without an opportunity to fail for 3 days. I can make it.

I've been thinking this morning that to overcome this thing I actually have to get to a point where I don't WANT it. I don't know that I can really believe my willpower will last forever without that step. I've thought about this for years - I've had this realization in the past but it's coming to me again now. My mom asked me once (she knows about my struggles) how I think you can truly overcome porn. My answer was "only through a spiritual tranformation of some sort".

I don't necessarily mean embracing a form of religion (though that is one way for sure) - but really an inner transformation. Where we can truly see the harm in ourselves and the P industry as a whole and be turned off by it. Where we can value loving, real, relationships over pixels in a very fundamental way. Where we see all people (no matter how "hot" they may be to us) as people. Human beings we can't want to possess, even if just in our fantasies.

I can say this and I believe it - but I DO NOT know how to get there. I've been in spiritual groups, have red so many books, have been inspired by spiritual teachings - but I don't live it deeply and don't feel the capacity or interest to. Maybe with just gaining clarity from being clean for longer and longer my capacity to live a full spiritual life will grow... who knows.

Day 51
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Nice job Simon on day 51.

I completely agree with you that to quit this you have to want it with all your heart. Will power WILL get you far, but at the same time, for a decisive victory you have to want it more than even breathing itself. I've always said coming to this forum is a great step and is extremely helpful in your recovery. However, I think many people think that by just coming here they will somehow be magically healed from their porn use - unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

I liken this to marriage counseling, where it's often told that by the time couples go, it's alreadly too late in the game. What often happens is that one of the two will go to marriage counseling just to check it off the list of things they "tried" to do, so when they're asked they can say "Of course I tried to save my marriage". Obviously this isn't always the case, but it happens often enough to make my point. Showing up here to RN isn't enough to quit porn, and can be for some just another way to say either to themselves or their loved ones "See, I tried to quit, but it still didn't work". Thus, they can put the blame on something or someone else but themselves.

The only person who can save us from our own bullshit is ourselves - no one else is coming to the rescue.

No institution like RN can save us, not a religion or God, not even our partners or wives. Yes, all these things can help, but they can only help if we've truly decided to quit - otherwise they're just icing and decoration on a moldy cake that no one wants to eat.

So how do we get there?

I think it's different for all of us.

Some of us get there by utterly destroying everything in our lives until we're at our wit's end and are staring down off the precipice. I would suggest not going this route, because it will destroy everything in your path that is dear to you. I sometimes read the horror stories on RN just for my motivation in case I haven't quite got it drilled in my head how far the rabbit hole some of us are capable of going. Do not go this path!

I think for me personally, it was a little of the above but not too much. I was mostly just sick and tired of looking in the mirror and knowing I wasn't the man I knew I could be. One day I said enough of this shit, I will do what it takes to quit.

What is your reason for quitting? Are you tired of looking at the man in the mirror?

Hopefully this rambling will help a little.

Best
 
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TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@SimonM

You wrote,
"but I DO NOT know how to get there... but I don't live it deeply and don't feel the capacity or interest to"

I see porn as part disease and part symptom more than being just the sickness.
Disease because of its powerful negative influences.
Symptoms because porn covers up deep psychological and emotional issues that remained because I never got around dealing with them after escaping with PMO.

I need to get to the root of these issues to improve my life, to be able to understand and handle my challenges intrinsically, and not be dependent externally for comfort.
I need to care and love myself properly.
I need to be free of bondage and servitude.

It is these deeper purposes that guide me forward, and keep me from wavering.

Books are just guides. You must find your own reasons, and it must be stronger than the desire for the harmful pleasures that addiction tempts us with.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.” (Elizabeth Gilbert)

That’s a line that @TryingHarder puts under each of his posts. It’s really good. It says it right. This is bullshit and we’re doing it. So we stop it. Going back is tempting but it’s also total BS.

We could focus on the exploitation of women but I guess we all ignored that or that none of the women were frankly there for us…..as If.

No. We have to realise we were duped as so many millions are being right this second as I write. We are the pioneers who are getting out early. This will be way worse than COVID in its destruction of relationships and lives. We recognised our bullshit and we got a grip. It’s incredibly hard to hang in there, but remember it’s utter excrement, filth, and not only the devil but the guys who funded this industry are literally praying we don’t see this bullshit for what it is. It kills brains and will kill millions. Let it not be yours. Please.
 

SimonM

Active Member
The last few days I am more attracted to my wife. I can think of her and feel aroused. I want to be with her and I haven't felt dirty about it. Maybe it's a sign my brain is slowly becoming sensitive to something real again instead of the "hard drugs" I've been giving it? The last two days I've tried not Oing the couple of times we got frisky - and man - now I am really starting to have a buzz for her. I like it. It's also dangerous because that buzz could easily make me weaker to resist P.

But P is just not an option. It's that simple. If it's not an option then it's not a big tempation. I notice that every time I go camping or something - the urge dies down. If I can treat every day like P IS JUST NOT AN OPTION, then I can actually build this healthy sexual energy with my wife without having to fear what happens if I directed it the wrong way - and just enjoy the energy it brings back into my life and our relationship.

Day 52.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I notice that every time I go camping or something - the urge dies down.
This is truth.

can we trick the mind so we can think like this everyday?

If it's not an option and the only option is our partners - then the urges die.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
I can say this and I believe it - but I DO NOT know how to get there.
I hear what you're saying. I'm an atheist and not very spiritual. Sometimes I wish I was so I had something to draw strength from. Don't know if it will help, but think about this: you may not know how to get there at the moment, but when you DO get there, you will know. And you will feel great.

You must find your own reasons, and it must be stronger than the desire for the harmful pleasures that addiction tempts us with.
Amen, TakeActionNow!

I like the "tired of their own bullshit" quote (which I got from one of Blondie's posts). To me, this means: stop making excuses for bad behaviour. In the past few months, I have given up porn, stopped anxiety eating, cut back on the junk food, got more exercise, and get a good night's sleep. Achieving this healthy lifestyle wasn't easy, but guess what? It wasn't impossible, either. And, indeed, I was (and still am) tired of my own bullshit. 😁

And it's true: porn is not an option. It will not solve your problems. It is a waste of time and energy. Zero value.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Back from a little vacation time. Felt great being away from my daily worries and anxieties, the to-do list, and the constant presence of electronic devices. I should find more opportunities to keep things simple and not take on too many projects. I am not good at saying no... and that leaves a lot of burdens on my shoulders sometimes. They can lead to procrastination, which for me is a main reason I turn to P.

It's Tuesday again, which means another week in the books.
Now at 8 weeks (56 days).
 
I intuitively think you’re doing the right thing @SimonM. I think you need to work yourself out first. I have to believe she likes this new you. Keep improving. @Blondie is right that in an ideal world you come clean, but only you can judge the risk. If there are partners reading this thread, I wonder if they have a view. Women are incredibly strong remember and want to know the score. I don’t think I have helped now I read this back! 🤷
I stumbled upon this trying to find something else. I am a wife of an addict and I would want to know. I would appreciate that my husband was honest with me and that he's working on it on his own without me having pushed him to do it. But I also have to appreciate that SimonM doesn't want to cause more hurt. He seems to be in a predicament that only he can judge. We, the wives, do get to a place where we just can't take anymore pain, but everyone I know also only wants to live life in the real world. My husband made choices for my life for 25 years without my knowledge or consent. I can`t let him do that for another day. He must be 100% honest with me or he has to leave, but I also understand that some wives like limited information. All of that may not make a lot of sense, but I definitely can see both sides of the coin.
Anyway, that's just my 2 cents.
 

SimonM

Active Member
I've been here a bit less the last few days but it's just because I've been very busy with my kids. I come here when I am in a situation that might have taken me to P in the past. Those situations have been few. Despite that I feel triggered a lot when I'm home while my wife is at work - as soon as the situation is similar to when I used to fail I feel it... But porn is not an option.

Could have done some checking out of beautiful bodies (yeah - I am just looking at bodies when I do that - not whole human beings), but I did a pretty good job of noticing and then letting it go. Not perfect - but I maintained some awareness.

Day 58.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
I've been here a bit less the last few days but it's just because I've been very busy with my kids. I come here when I am in a situation that might have taken me to P in the past. Those situations have been few. Despite that I feel triggered a lot when I'm home while my wife is at work - as soon as the situation is similar to when I used to fail I feel it... But porn is not an option.

Could have done some checking out of beautiful bodies (yeah - I am just looking at bodies when I do that - not whole human beings), but I did a pretty good job of noticing and then letting it go. Not perfect - but I maintained some awareness.

Day 58.
Well done! It sounds like you are in a pretty healthy place.
 

SimonM

Active Member
The last couple of days I've felt depressed and anxious again. Lack of motivation and energy. Maybe not just related to my journey quitting P, but I think to a large extent it is. My body wants a drug to feel good that I am no longer giving it... I felt pretty damn good for a couple of weeks but now I'm down again. I've learned that this cycle is part of the recovery. I hope the valleys become less deep and the peaks longer lasting.

On a good note I am noticing that I am more turned on by my wife and see her beauty much more easily than I did some months ago.

It's a long healing process. The only way to get through it is to not give up. It's not an option.

Day 61.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
I think I have some similar issues. I am not sure what is withdrawal, addiction etc. and what are other things. I do know that there is a hole that I was using addictions to fill. I've been meditating everyday for the past 11 days, which has been helpful in understanding where I'm at (I think).

To my shame, after my partner gave birth I wasn't sure how to react to her body changes. She's so sexy to me now that I can't believe what my porn brain was doing.

It's remarkable where we are compared to a few months ago. That's motivation in itself!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Let’s just dwell on that last genius sentence from @PrometheusUnbound - it is utterly amazing where we are now compared to what we were like. We would be borderline mad to go back.
Keep going @SimonM - it’s fantastic that you find your wife more attractive. No, it’s more than fantastic….it’s everything. Be happy. And ride the bad times by just remembering that the new people we have become are SO much better than the old ones.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Thank you guys! It helps to know that we're not alone in this!

Got a week of being by myself with the computer for the majority of the time ahead of me. I'm going to hold myself to account here by saying that I CANNOT let that tempt me to stray. P is not an option. Not today, not ever again for me.

Day 62 (and, I reminded myself yesterday, about 87 days with only two encounters with P - the end of my binge haze infested life is almost 3 months away - that actually makes me sort of proud of myself - I won't let that go to my head though).
 
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