Waiting and meditation...passive and active
Some consider meditation passive, but it is not...it can be real work, but as with anything, it's practice and with practice it gets easier.
Waiting on the other hand is hell for me, but I wonder if we understand the term correctly. It implies patience, which is a virtue. It implies an attitude of allowing things to pass, to develop, to unfold perhaps? In the mean time, there must be some form of action....
In a sense we are all waiting for death, aren't we? But at the same time we are busy with life...the paradox of human existence...
Yeah, I feel resisting the addiction, firmly banishing the actions a part of me wants to pursue so bad, is a form of inner growth. I am buidling discipline. So much of our modern lives we just do whatever we want, buy what we want, but we aren't often forced to show discipline. A P addict in particular lives in this fantasy world where any woman (in my case) has the potential to be an object of desire, and in my fantasies I can own her. We lack discipline in a world of instant gratification.
Like sitting on a bed of nails, standing at attention, or meditating for hours... standing up to my urges, is a form of inner discipline. Through this I can become a stronger man, more able to endure, more resilient in the face of future challenges. Some growth can, I think, maybe only really come through suffering, and so while overcoming this addiction is so hard and painful, it can bring with it a reward of greater inner strength and in the end maybe an inner peace. But it IS a road that includes suffering. We have to accept that. And to bring it back to the beginning - meditation could help with building that inner discipline.
I said all of this before - before I abandoned myself to indulgence for years - I caved in the face of the challenge, and what I got was an inner hell. This time I intend to defeat this monster and not let it win again.