Holding the Fool (me) to Account

GBS

Well-Known Member
Dear @SimonM - this isn’t emotional blackmail but please keep fighting however you can. I would be upset if you posted saying you’re back at zero. You’re not doing this for me, you’re doing it for yourself and you like you, right? Please.
 

SimonM

Active Member
It's incredible to me how strong my physical addiction to the rush of P is even after almost 3 months. I am able to totally control my mental addiction right now. I am not in danger of acting out.

But my body still feels week for periods almost every day. I get blue balls, especially. It is quite uncomfortable. That's despite being in a physical relationship. In the past these physical pains were often the trigger I needed for my brain to say "I can't do this anymore, I'm gonna give in so my body feels fine".

This time I have killed that voice. So the only way to let this pain die is to just wait months and months for it to abate? For my brain to heal? I bet meditation could help, but I haven't given that a try in many years.

Day 82
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Blue balls is tricky. My therapist said you either wait and it will subside in 20 minutes or you do some exercise. Sorry, annoyingly unhelpful. I feel your pain @SimonM , I really do.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
I've been doing light meditation of 10mins per time, once or more per day. Just returning to my breathing everytime I notice my mind has galloped off and trying not to fight it. I've heard it described as getting comfortable with being uncomfortable, which I liked (better than as a relaxation method, as I haven't felt that yet). I'm just a beginner but I would definitely recommend it if you are considering it. It might not help with the pain, but might change your relationship to it.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Time flies. Very busy getting ready for the new school year... Whenever I am sitting at a screen my body thinks it's porn time and starts to hurt. Weird. Because in my mind it's very clear that ain't happening.

I'm getting close to my longest streak without borderline stuff (I did half a year once, but started cheating with borderline stuff around day 100). I feel an inner strength building from being in control of myself for what feels like the first time... I may even tell my wife about it soon...

Doing much better with ogling. Generally manage to look away quickly. Even went to the beach and wasn't craning my neck the whole time, which used to be an issue.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
So the only way to let this pain die is to just wait months and months for it to abate? For my brain to heal? I bet meditation could help, but I haven't given that a try in many years.
Waiting and meditation...passive and active
Some consider meditation passive, but it is not...it can be real work, but as with anything, it's practice and with practice it gets easier.
Waiting on the other hand is hell for me, but I wonder if we understand the term correctly. It implies patience, which is a virtue. It implies an attitude of allowing things to pass, to develop, to unfold perhaps? In the mean time, there must be some form of action....
In a sense we are all waiting for death, aren't we? But at the same time we are busy with life...the paradox of human existence...
 

SimonM

Active Member
Waiting and meditation...passive and active
Some consider meditation passive, but it is not...it can be real work, but as with anything, it's practice and with practice it gets easier.
Waiting on the other hand is hell for me, but I wonder if we understand the term correctly. It implies patience, which is a virtue. It implies an attitude of allowing things to pass, to develop, to unfold perhaps? In the mean time, there must be some form of action....
In a sense we are all waiting for death, aren't we? But at the same time we are busy with life...the paradox of human existence...
Yeah, I feel resisting the addiction, firmly banishing the actions a part of me wants to pursue so bad, is a form of inner growth. I am buidling discipline. So much of our modern lives we just do whatever we want, buy what we want, but we aren't often forced to show discipline. A P addict in particular lives in this fantasy world where any woman (in my case) has the potential to be an object of desire, and in my fantasies I can own her. We lack discipline in a world of instant gratification.

Like sitting on a bed of nails, standing at attention, or meditating for hours... standing up to my urges, is a form of inner discipline. Through this I can become a stronger man, more able to endure, more resilient in the face of future challenges. Some growth can, I think, maybe only really come through suffering, and so while overcoming this addiction is so hard and painful, it can bring with it a reward of greater inner strength and in the end maybe an inner peace. But it IS a road that includes suffering. We have to accept that. And to bring it back to the beginning - meditation could help with building that inner discipline.

I said all of this before - before I abandoned myself to indulgence for years - I caved in the face of the challenge, and what I got was an inner hell. This time I intend to defeat this monster and not let it win again.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@SimonM - hi again. I just re-read your first post. You were desperate and you knew (you were on day 2) that you had two months of pain ahead. You have done 3 months. You are a man amongst men. I hope you are phenomenally proud and never complacent. You (amongst half a dozen or so) have been one of the reasons I am where I am. I wish I could meet you (and all the guys and girls) and buy you a drink. Hero.

Never give up. Please
 

SimonM

Active Member
Thank you @GBS! :)

A drink together would be nice. Though maybe slightly awkward for a bunch for former wankers to all sit together looking at each other lol! ... we share so many personal details here we'd likely never all tell to our real life friends lol.

I won't give up. This time is for real.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Something I haven't managed to control very well are my fantasies. I regularly have fantasies of sexual activity with "hot" women, ones I know, and ones I just see in the street. Also memories of the P I used to look at. These fantasies help to keep my urges up. I think my brain is so used to doing this for the last 30 years that it just happens automatically.

And a part of me likes it of course. Without P, this is all I have left... but it needs to be left behind too. Won't happen as long as I resist that idea. And I resist.

I have never fantasized about my partners, so transferring to these thoughts to my wife is not an option. For me that implies making her part of my P universe, and I have always strictly separated these things. She is a whole human being, and not a piece of flesh... Similarly I never fantasize about someone else when I am with her. It's totally compartmentized.

Right now I have a fantasy of asking a friend to come to a concert with me, and how we could have a sexual encounter as part of that. I will never act on it. But I'm thinking about it... Sigh. It's just non-stop really.

Day 89
 

Ezel

Well-Known Member
Hang in there Simon, you got this my friend. Look at how far you have come, one day left to complete the 90 days challenge, that's a great achievement man.
You should be proud 😉 of yourself. Keep pushing your limits, God bless your work.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi @SimonM . I think our fantasy worlds are exactly that. They’re ours. Mine are different to yours. I lived with mine and held onto them for dear life until recently. They do naturally recede, but I did feel I needed to make sure I didn’t grip on. Arguably this was one of the hardest bits of my journey. I am hard core at the moment so the fantasies didn’t have a physical outlet, they were just things in my head. To be honest I still have some. I wish you all the best in their recession. They will go, I am certain of that. Have faith….I know you do.
 
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