Holding the Fool (me) to Account

Blondie

Respected Member
Stay strong @SimonM.

I know it can get frustrating to be quite a distance from ground zero but yet still be struggling with something so evidently juvenal in our thought patterns. However, 30 years of thought patterns and habits WON'T and CAN'T change on the fly, no matter how much we wish it could. I've seen a pattern here at RN and in my own thoughts, that we often think something good should happen instantly; but that's just us caught up in the same trap of short term thinking which got us here in the first place!

Long term goals take long term planning.

Nothing in life worthwhile can happen in just 90 days, especially something that's been going on for so long. I don't say this to be a downer but to be realistic. I'm almost a year out from ground zero and yet I still find myself sometimes having random flashbacks etc. and wondering where the hell that thought came from? Do they happen less than they use to? Absolutely, however, they still happen. I have to remind myself that I'll never be perfect, but more importantly, I still have a long ways to go and that's okay.

Quitting porn is not a weekend retreat.

Best brother
 
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TryingHarder

Active Member
Something I haven't managed to control very well are my fantasies. I regularly have fantasies of sexual activity with "hot" women, ones I know, and ones I just see in the street. Also memories of the P I used to look at. These fantasies help to keep my urges up. I think my brain is so used to doing this for the last 30 years that it just happens automatically.
That's my story, too. At the moment, memories of porn girls and the X-rated scenarios are still pretty strong inside my mind. I'm doing my best to keep these at bay, and making any sexual fantasies more realistic. Hopefully you can find away to channel your fantasies into something more positive with your wife.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Thank you @downhillfromhere, @TryingHarder, @Blondie, @Ezel and @GBS. I appreciate your comments very much. It's good to know that I'm not alone with this struggle with fantasies. I accept that it will take time for porn to lose its imprint on me. It's already way weaker than it was!

I've had a clean summer. I am tremendously pleased about that. I barely recognize the pain I was in when I started here. My body remembers well the dopamine highs though.

The journey continues. I look forward to finishing the year cleanly.
Day 90.
 

Nico

Member
Thank you @downhillfromhere, @TryingHarder, @Blondie, @Ezel and @GBS. I appreciate your comments very much. It's good to know that I'm not alone with this struggle with fantasies. I accept that it will take time for porn to lose its imprint on me. It's already way weaker than it was!

I've had a clean summer. I am tremendously pleased about that. I barely recognize the pain I was in when I started here. My body remembers well the dopamine highs though.

The journey continues. I look forward to finishing the year cleanly.
Day 90.
Congratulations on 90 days!
I have to remind myself that I'll never be perfect, but more importantly, I still have a long ways to go and that's okay.

Thanks for this - needed to hear that today. I just need to keep it in the day, take small steps towards growth and change, and trust that recovery will happen in its own good time :)
 

SimonM

Active Member
90 days felt like a totally impossible goal just three months ago. I have only had one streak longer than that since I've been 15. And I did some cheating with "non porn" images that time. It was about 7 years ago.

I will stop counting days and count just months from now on. My commitment is to quit forever - each day is not a huge struggle - but the forever part IS. The urges are still much stronger than I thought they might be. I accept that and bear the pain. My fantasies are still dominating my thoughts often - I have to let go of that, but not sure how. That's my biggest challenge I think. I will not give in.

I am in my 4th month.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
@SimonM . I don’t think anyone here can tell you when certain things will get better. What has happened to me may not be mirrored by you. Or not at the same point. My world of fantasy is nearly gone, not quite but so nearly. Do I miss it? Sure I do. Have I gripped on to it a bit. Most definitely. Is it basically drifting away anyway however hard I grip on? Yes.

Cliche alert - time is a great healer. You will be devoid of this stuff one day. You can start to laugh at your weakness soon and that arms you still further. I smile at how pathetic my fantasy is now. Cleanliness is a word for real men.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Stressful couple of days. The old guy would have numbed the anxiety with P. I'll be glad when I find some inner peace again... I let events I can't control upset me too much this week. An organization I lead is being totally screwed over by our former landlord. Very unpleasant. Why do people become such jerks when money is involved? Anyway - I'm sure it'll just be another thing that passes soon. Brighter days ahead.

Worked with a woman I consider super hot today. Didn't go 100% great. Definitely took some looks that are now leaving me with an imprint. It's hard... BUT - I DID manage to stop it and not let these weaknesses stretch.

My thoughts are with all of you who are saying goodbye to a remarkable Queen today. A reminder of what qualities we should truly admire in the women around us.

4th month.
 

Schmuck

Member
Hello Simon, congrats on everything that you've accomplished so far! Your journal has been an uplifting resource, not just thanks to your insightful posts but also thanks to the input of other users.

As for your latest entry: You're right, working with women and keeping your cool can be a challenge in this journey. There are no women in the departments that I work with at my own workplace, but the women who work in the building are all gorgeous. I've made a conscious effort to avoid sexualizing them, and it has succeeded over time, making them relatively off-limits for my addict brain. It helps that they're all in a relationship, rendering fantasies of me and them immoral. Of course, you're well aware that this would always apply to fantasies of you engaging with women other than your wife.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Woke up to a pretty wild dream. In it, I took my two young sons to an adult spa. I was hanging around naked with ladies, while they entertained themselves in a pool I guess. I woke up when I was directing them to grab their things among a bunch of naked adults in the dressing room and having a tough time getting dressed myself.

It's left me unsettled. It speaks to my shame as a father for the life I've secretly led. It speaks to a sense I have that I am abandoning my family to my pleasures when it suits me, and the lack of role model I am. It also speaks to my continuing fantasy of visiting a spa (I'm not acting on it - but it IS a fantasy).

It's just a dream, and I was happy to wake up with nothing having happened for real. But it's themes that live within me. I never want to be that schmuck (sorry @Schmuck not aimed at all!) who gets discovered by his kids to be cheating on his wife or with his pants at his ankles wanking off.

Today I am going out into nature, always good for the mind.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
It's totally compartmentized.
It is so common for people in modern society to have a fragmented psyche.
Carl Jung spent much of his life addressing this issue and used dream analysis to help people to integrate and retrieve parts of themselves that were locked in the subconscious.
Fantasy and dream are somewhat related. Just like recurring fantasies, we can have recurring dreams, and it means we are stuck in a sense...different parts of ourselves battling and striving for supremacy. A lot of this is perhaps about allowing these different aspects of ourselves, the ego, the anima, the personas...to make peace with each other and harmonize. On a practical level that might look a little different for everybody, but may entail changing careers, changing partners or going solo, completely changing lifestyles, daily habits etc.
For me, beating porn addiction is about a complete paradigm shift, and it all starts in the mind, my fragmented, compartmentalized mind.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Thank you @Aeodh Dan! I've always really liked CG Jung. So much to learn from him.

The last couple of days I've felt almost normal. A part of me always starts to worry about that state. Wants the sexual energy back. It's not like I don't have any, but it's not hyped up.

I'll make it to my 45th birthday, tomorrow, clean! Very glad about that!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi @SimonM . I totally identify with the wanting the sexual energy thing. And I think we’re obviously allowed it just need it to be directed in the right place. That’s the toughie about our situations. We’re encouraged to look around…..hello trees, hello birds, isn’t it just lovely to be in the countryside….then a bit of your brain says “remember to think about some slightly unhealthy sex thing” and you know it’s ok to think about sex but it isn’t ok for it to be the unhealthy variety. So it’s back to hello birds, hello trees.

Keep battling on. You inspire me.
 

SimonM

Active Member
I'll be away from electronics for three or four days. Should be a good break!
This week has been easy urge wise. Not much there.

Though right now I'm just noticing a thought creeping in that seeing an MA would not break my porn quitting committment. LOL. The mind boggles the mind sometimes.

Yoda said:
"Do or do not. There is no try."
It's a very simple phrase, but my commitment this time to exactly that has made the difference in taking me from a serial relapser who keeps starting another streak with good intentions but ALWAYS failed eventually (and deep down knew he would) to being on a path that I honestly feel, for the first time in 30 years, could allow me to never look at P again.

But I gotta keep that mind of mine in check. And STOP putting my hand on my crotch already. Every time I'm not typing here that's where it goes! Damn.

I'm in my 4th month.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Had a great few days away from pretty much all internet. Felt no urges, pain, etc. Even my thoughts were cleaner.

Today I'm back at the computer - and whadaya know? My blue balls have returned. Even worse because my wife is gone for a few days - which makes my addict raise it's ugly head and sniff the wind. I won't let it do more than that though, but it's interesting how that happens as soon as the situation presents itself. It's a huge trigger from the past and I still react to it... Fantasies also creep in - of what I could do - especially about adcting out in real life...

Interesting discussions about fantasies and how they change over time with quitting... my "thing" was just an extreme escalation over time. Really sick stuff. I find now that this turns me off more. I had opportunities in real life to indulge in my obessions, which I actually turned away from quickly without much interest. But not always... sometimes I suddenly feel the old urge. My fantasies are mostly about acting out in real life... that hasn't really abated. My wife never fit my obessions, so I never really looked at her with those lusting eyes in that sense. Don't get me wrong. I love being intimate with her - but the turn on isn't related much to my porn fantasies. I can definitely say though that I am more into her now than when I hated myself in my pit of darkness.

Halfway through my 4th month.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Keep going my friend, keep accepting that triggers exist but you laugh at them, keep acknowledging that your brain can still mess with you in your fifth month, keep accepting that change will be with you for some time but porn is gone hopefully forever.

And good look hitting those home runs. 😉 I think I’m just shite at baseball!
 
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