Holding the Fool (me) to Account

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Thank you for checking in with me @Blondie. The answer is, not good. :(

I haven't outright looked at porn, but I have compiled a list of girls on an escort listings site. WTF? I have fantasized for days about seeing one of them... I've used it as a way to stimulate sexual energy.

Have I PMOd? No. But that'll be the next step if I don't stop this immediately, and there's the danger that I'll actually make an appointment to see one of these girls. So it has to stop!

I am fooling myself if I tell myself this behaviour doesn't fall under what's "not an option". It has to not be an option.

I'm still a fool. :(
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry to hear this @Simon2.

It's never too late to back out. You haven't done anything yet, so just back up and move on with freedom.

Don't let the shame of almost fucking up, make you fuck up. Remember, there is a grand canyon like differentiation between the two. Don't let your brain trick you into something you'll regret instantly.

You've come a long way.

Escorts are not an option.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I'm still a fool. :(

Hi Simon,

This is a judgment call, and not particularly helpful right now.

In reality, it's not you, it's your brain. Your (lower) brain is the 'fool'- but an innocent fool. It's only suggesting via thoughts/urges/rationalizations things it deems as solutions to the pains and stresses in life.

Thankfully you have executive power (via your higher brain), and can veto whatever your beast-brain is suggesting.

But if you do this with as little judgment and/or emotion as possible, simply by dismissing the urges mindfully, this thing will come and go.
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Thank you @Blondie and @Phineas 808!

I can step back from this and that's what I'm doing right now. That site cannot be an option anymore.
Today I am focusing on enjoying spending time with my family, including my dad, who's visiting for the first time in many years (I only see him infrequently as he lives overseas).

We soldier on - into the 10th month for me.
Simon
 

GBS

Respected Member
@Simon2 - just for the record I don’t think you’ve a fool. As brother @Phineas 808 says, it’s a straight fight between you and your brain. The brain landed a punch but I reckon you’re several rounds ahead. It’s fucking hard resisting. It really is. It gnaws at you. It’s within arm’s reach. On the face of it, it doesn’t seem harmful. Problem is, we know it is actually extremely harmful. Like drinking poison, even though the bottle says “beer” on it.

Keep resisting pal. You’re one of the heroes on here lest you forget.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
I'm still a fool. :(
You're not a fool, just someone struggling with an addiction. Like Blondie says, almost fucking up is not the same as fucking up. Do what you can to break up your routine, stay off the internet, mess up the trail of breadcrumbs that can lead you back to porn and escorts. Feel free to borrow my motto: no relapses, no retreat!
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
I'm still alive. Sorry for the long silence.

I don't want to talk about it, but I had another reminder about a week ago about the destructive potential of my addictive behaviour with sex and porn. Almost brought ruin to my life. But I think I may be in the clear now.

Despite all the recent struggles I am still porn free - but I need to recommit to walking down that different street. I would say I've been getting sucked into some pot holes lately.

I'm thinking of all you guys, and hope to catch up with people's journals again.
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
I'm back. With my tail between my legs.

I have fallen badly. I got cocky and thought I had this beat.
Wrong.

First it was borderline material. From there I found access to my deepest urges. Fulfilled. Spent a month in a haze thanks to a one month subscription. When it ran out I ran to something else I know well... I won't go into details but it's been ugly. If the truth of my actions was known, I'd lose everything.

Along the way I lost close to two grand being blackmailed (I was very very stupid) and just yesterday chasing a dream that turned into an empty shell.

God. Reading it like that in front of me - it doesn't even sound like it was me living that life, that lie.

Maybe the only good news is that I've regained clarity and I am determined to get out of this darkness.
I'm not sure I'll be posting much just yet, but I'm not going back in the hole. I want to be better.

I've been on this forum for just over a year. For 10 months I did pretty well - better than I'd done in decades. Then I fell. So now I will do it again. I can't change the past, but I as sure as hell can control my actions going forward.
 

Percival

Active Member
For 10 months I did pretty well - better than I'd done in decades.

Been there, done that. Don't beat yourself up too badly. It was bad: accept it, learn the lessons, and move on. Recovery is like one of those stock market graphs where there are sometimes steep dives but the average is still upwards. Don't let yourself forget that you did very well for 10 months!

I used to wonder why alcoholics who hadn't had a drink in decades would still describe themselves as "recovering alcoholics". Now I know: it's always just one bad decision away. Of course, that was true before we made that very first bad decision, only we didn't know it then.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Mate. You’re still a hero in my books. Not skating over the truth of your fall which you acknowledge was graceless. Guts for coming back. So welcome. You have backbone, but you have to find the path on the different street. That is your post signature tag line, and it’s one of my favourites. Follow your true best self down the correct street my friend. Don’t look back. Best wishes….and do keep posting please. We missed you, pal.
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Mate. You’re still a hero in my books. Not skating over the truth of your fall which you acknowledge was graceless. Guts for coming back. So welcome. You have backbone, but you have to find the path on the different street. That is your post signature tag line, and it’s one of my favourites. Follow your true best self down the correct street my friend. Don’t look back. Best wishes….and do keep posting please. We missed you, pal.
Thank you. Yeah. I missed this place too. After coming here for 10 months I would often almost automatically type the URL into my browser. Then I would stop myself saying I'm not worthy of going there and I need to fix myself first for a bit. I forgot the whole reason for coming here...

Thank you for checking in on me by the way @GBS back a couple of months ago. I thought you would and it was in the back of my mind to come see if anyone noticed my absence... But I didn't. Shoulda reached out for help!
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
10 months is still a good accomplishment Simon. Hope you are able to get back on the right path again.
Yeah. That's true. I can't get into the details of how I far I fell - because I just don't want to write it out anywhere - but it was very bad indeed. It's a big big caution for me that I am not as done with it than I thought I was. I am still very weak at times.

We shall see how this round goes, but I am going to walk on that other street again and hope to stay there.

I am feeling ok right now. About 26 days no PMO. A few days since I finished feaverishly pursuing other sexual stimulation...
I know this will get harder in the coming weeks. I'm expecting it and will bend, but not break, in the wind.
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
In doing my best to be in the "porn is not an option" frame of mind again. Don't do anything whatsoever related to searching for it - not even contemplating if I should or should not. It's sort of like resisting by just being passive... So far so good - but I am still motivated by how shitty I feel about my recent actions...
 
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