Exhausted

anubu0

Active Member
I have been attempting to quit pornography for 2 years now. I suffer from severe PIED, addiction and P urges, and I know that P has completely destroyed my life. I have never been the hardest working person, but over the past 2 years I have tried to defeat this addiction. I invested heavily in self improvement; I exercised daily and am building a body that I am proud of. I have turned my academic work ethic around, committing myself to becoming at least 1% better everyday. But in the end, P always catches up to me. I get sucked in by my urges and ultimately relapse, sending the other parts of my life into a spiral. I begin to feel inadequate, lose all the self pride and respect that I have for myself. Despite saying that I will never watch P again, I end up watching it, which completely crushes me and makes me feel useless.


*Defeatism Warning
I relapsed for probably the hundredth time today. I felt so scared and powerless before I loaded up P, so invested and focused during, and then so depressed, lonely, and shattered after. And this cycle isn't new to me... It's happened numerous times and yet I am unable to stop myself in the moment.

The way I see it. There's kind of two directions for my life right now. I guess three but I'm not genuinely considering this one: giving up and accepting this life as it is. Option 1 is to just end things because I am so tired of my life to the point that living has almost become unbearable. I have spent the past 2 years of my life trying to overcome this addiction; people like Gabe did it on their first go, but here I am, 19 years old sitting in my room watching P while my peers go out, have fun, and make fulfilling relationships. Why can't I stop this? I have these motivating thoughts yet I can't seem to carry out on them. I feel useless and I just want it to end.

Option 2 is to continue on and overcome this addiction. I don't know what it will take to do this, but I will need to motivate and discipline myself into doing this. I've tried almost everything from blockers (to which my dopamine craving mind cleverly out maneuvers), mindfullness (which I'm unable, at least now, to conjure up in crucial moments), and opening up to loved ones around me l. If anyone has any recommendations or insight please help, I need you.

As of right now Option 2 seems more favorable. I have no regard for my own life; If I had the ability to kill myself without emotionally harming my mother, father, and brother, I would probably do it. My care and love towards them is the only thing I believe that is stopping me from adhering to Option 1. So, since I refuse to do Option 3, and Option 1 is out of the picture for as long as my family is a part of my life, Option 2 is the only way to go.

Rather than giving my self fake confidence, I want to admit something: I have been completely powerless over my addiction to P. I have not exhibited the traits of others who demonstrate tremendous will power and just drag themselves through their reboots. I would love to become this person, but I am exhausted and lack this motivation. Even while writing this, completely broken and depressed, I can't push myself to motivate myself. But this process requires effort and effort is something I'll have to put forth. Borrowing from the 12 steps, I wish that God would lend me the strength to make this final push.

Day 0
 
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anubu0

Active Member
After feeling very defeated yesterday following my relapse, I'm beginning to feel happier and more jovial. I think I'm a naturally happy person, so as soon as I am able to distract myself from my problems, I begin to feel better. I'm not against feeling happy and being distracted from P. I think it's good to keep myself busy with activities so that I don't fixate. But at the same time, its important not to lose sight of prevalent issues that need addressing.

Just a reminder to myself that I need to continue forward and move on with my life, but not to forget about what I'm trying to achieve...

Day 1
 

anubu0

Active Member
Struggled with a few tempting thoughts last night but eventually prevailed. During the week I like to have an extremely packed schedule so I tend to only struggle when going to bed. From today on I'm going to keep all my technology in the living room to eliminate this.

Day 2 and Day 3
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hang in there bud. You're dong a noble thing trying to quit this nonsense, and you should pat yourself on the back for even trying - I mean that. Most of us here did not have success at first, but had to try many times and learn from our mistakes. It's a journey.

Congrats on Day 2.

You got this!
 

anubu0

Active Member
When I look at other successful facets of my life (my personal fitness being the primary one) the common denominator between all of them is discipline. I show up to the gym six times every week not because I feel motivated everyday, but because I've built this disciplined habit to just show up. When I first started going to the gym, I didn't have this discipline; I would skip days when I was tired, I would skip meals when I didn't feel like eating, etc. But overtime, I was able to make this a habit and its stuck with me since.

Motivation and willpower are a very short-lasting power. They're like a muscle that eventually tires out and becomes exhausted, and therefore are not sustainable methods for improving oneself. Instead, I believe that we all need to use spurts of motivation to build disciplined habits, transferring our short term energy to a long term practice.

I relapsed last night. Trying to be completely honest with myself, I had opportunities to step away but I didn't. Granted I was tired after an especially long day of research, but I don't want to make excuses for myself. That relapse was on me, and only me. I know I sound completely different now than I do in my first post, but this relapse is the motivation I need to get through, I refuse to let it drag me in the dirt. I will do this. Porn does not have a hold on me.

Using this motivation, I am going to outline a morning and night time ritual to eventually form into a concrete habit.

Morning:
- Wake up and go into the backyard --> Sit outside until you feel that your brain is truly awake --> Go to the living room and journal --> Get ready for the day --> Eat breakfast and drink a cup of coffee --> Go to work

Night:
- Work --> Mindfulness Meditation --> Workout --> Cold Shower --> Dinner --> Guitar in the living room --> Journal Checkmark --> Sleep

General Rules:
- No phone usage unless absolutely necessary (phone / texting) - No Youtube (unless for guitar and education) and no Instagram - No music (unless listened to mindfully or during workout)

Thank you Blondie and everyone else who's putting up with these longer reads. One day I want my story to inspire others.

Day 0 ✅
 
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anubu0

Active Member
Had a good day yesterday and I am excited for today. Taking a day off break just to catch up on sleep and other activities so I woke up a bit later than usual. Feeling good, healthy, and refreshed.

Some goals I have for myself today:
- Clean up my room and prepare food for the rest of the week
- Have a good hour of straight guitar practice
- Read a book and relax

Day 1 ✅
 
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anubu0

Active Member
Fuck porn! We all got this and we're going to get rid of these habits once and for all. I've been grinding and trudging through the reboot process for so long now but I know my time will come. My time is here! It's right now and I'm going to get rid of this horrible addiction once and for all.

Porn is simply not an option. I WILL DO THIS!
 
I think that, at your state, the best thing to do now, is to stop having access to internet for at least a year, it doesnt seem like u can resist P anyways, so simply throw ur phone and laptop and whtvr is giving u access to internet and stay like that for a year, this should make things a ton easier. Good luck
 

anubu0

Active Member
Thanks for the advice Light. I definitely agree with you in that not having access to the internet would be beneficial. The only problem is its not very feasible; I need my devices for work and without them I wouldn't really be able to do much.

That being said, porn blockers and eliminating the internet as a whole aren't even that extremely efficient strategies. I've seen Fappy and a lot of other respected members in the forums say that the porn addicts brain will always find a way to seek its craving, and I wholeheartedly agree. I remember during my first reboot I literally had so many blockers that I ended up just finding a way to watch porn on my television, 2000s style. I completely agree that your methods would be beneficial, but in the end the solution isn't eliminating the source, it's ridding the signaling and urges.

I had a really nice day yesterday and I felt so passionate about both lifting and playing my guitar; it felt great! I'm always so happy when I'm not using porn. I know that these feelings will fluctuate throughout the reboot, but I need to remember this feeling. Life without porn is infinitely better than life with it. LET'S GO! WE ALL GOT THIS! KEEP GOING GUYS!

Day 2 ✅
 
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anubu0

Active Member
Got in a big argument with my brother over the weekend. I feel really bad about it and yet I can't bring myself to apologize. Family is a super important thing for me; it's kind of all I have in my life right now and I shouldn't let it deteriorate.

I've been pretty emotional over the past few days, especially yesterday, and I was practicing staying mindful and not divulging into an emotional mess. It's been difficult and I feel extremely sad and lonely today... I need to bring myself to talk to my brother.

Times like these are when it's most important to stay focused and strong. Sending my best wishes to all of you guys out there and to all of the fathers of the world!

Day 3 ✅
Day 4 ✅
 
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anubu0

Active Member
Had a chance to talk to my brother yesterday and apologize to him. Despite having a somewhat loving and enjoyable father's day with my family, I still feel really bad about the things I said and the damage I caused. I hope it's not permanent and that our family dynamic can return to 100% again soon.

I am extremely grateful to have such a loving family and I should really remember that. Most people don't experience the trust and comfort that I do from my family members and I shouldn't take it for granted.

Last night I got an erection just as I was trying to go to bed. I wasn't really having any porn urges and luckily my phone was in the living room so I didn't have a direct outlet anyways. I may have been porn fantasizing in and out. Also, I think that just being in my room at night triggers my brain that porn might be coming next as I would commonly PMO when I was in the same exact environment. Trying to break this neural pathway but I'm also mindful of its existence.

Day 5 ✅
 
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anubu0

Active Member
Had major difficulty sleeping last night. I was fantasizing about sex a lot throughout my sleep. This may be extremely optimistic but early on in my recovery process I used to have these fantasies about p stars but now I'm having them with real women in my life. Maybe this is a sign that I'm recovering, maybe it's not? Anyways, I need to work on creating a clear mind before I go to bed.

Grateful for being able to reach 5 days so seamlessly now. Journaling and the morning and nightly habits that I've established are really helping! Thank you to everyone whose keeping up with my posts; it means a lot.

Day 6 ✅
 
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SimonM

Active Member
I do think it's a sign that the pixel fantasies are losing some of their power over you. Now - how to we cultivate a healthy relationship with the real women around us? Both in our minds/fantasies and in how we engage with them? Ultimately I think we need to be able to stop sexualizing them all... I'm not there yet. Keep it up brother!
 

anubu0

Active Member
I had a few really minor slip ups yesterday; I was on Instagram at work and I was going through one of my friend's followings list and clicked on a few girls with attractive profile picture. They were extremely extremely softcore (just pretty faces not even that much body). Although I just consider this an extremely minor setback, I need to ensure that this does not escalate nor happen again. I'm going to check my Instagram in the morning for 5 minutes because I'm trying to increase my business connections and I will not use it for the rest of the day.

That you Simon for your insight and advice. I definitely agree with you that I need to stop sexualizing and objectifying women all together and instead start building more personal connections with them.

Grateful for my mother, brother, and father. I am also grateful for all of you and your support. I am also grateful for having access to a gym where I can workout, which I often take for granted.

Good luck everyone!

Day 7 ⬜
 

anubu0

Active Member
I failed two days ago, but I will try again.

What happened: I broke my rule of no technology in the bedroom. I was watching a Netflix show on TV and decided to go to my bedroom to finish watching an episode. It was already pretty late at night and I had my phone next to me. I was experiencing some cravings the day before and the day of so this was a poor decision. I was trying to go to sleep and successfully dismissed one urge; then I checked my phone to see who was texting me and then another urge hit and I fell into the rabbit hole of P. I relapsed that night and the following day.

What am I going to change: I will understand that rules should have no exceptions. Going forward, I will ensure that I never bring technology into my bedroom regardless of the situation. I will try to limit watching TV/ Netflix. I've never been a big TV watcher but there's the occasional show that just hooks me and I end up binging the show. Whenever this happens, I notice that other parts of my life fall out of control. I skip meals, get less sleep, etc. I will limit myself to only watching TV while eating meals. I will uninstall Instagram after this post; my recovery is the most important thing to me right now and I should treat it as such. I had slip ups with Instagram the day prior and the day of my relapse. I will not use Instagram until I'm ready to control myself and my urges, which will be at least 6 months of no PMO.

Failure is essential to progress! I will keep moving forward!

Day 0 ✅
 
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anubu0

Active Member
Getting back into the mindset! I woke up this morning and literally ran away from technology. I wasn't able to implement my morning ritual of going outside and practicing mindfulness; I'm going to the beach today with some friends and I need to leave shortly. That being said I wanted to get my morning journal entry in.

I am so incredibly grateful for my parents. They have provided me with so many amazing opportunities and they have worked their asses off so that me and my brother can succeed. My brother and I are on good terms again; he explained to me what he was going through and I am working on being understanding. I am also extremely grateful for our beautiful backyard which is so relaxing to be in.

Day 1 ✅
 
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anubu0

Active Member
Problems I have with P:
1) PIED/ Lack of Sexual Confidence
2) Loneliness

Reasons for Quitting:
1) I want to regain sexual function
2) I want to feel the desire to do things again and motivate myself
3) I want to feel proud of myself and what I have accomplished.

P is such a destructive addiction. When I first joined the forum, I thought nobody had it as bad as I did. I was just 17 and I was already unable to have sex. But reading others' journals and hearing their personal anecdotes, I have realized that I should be lucky that I identified the problem when I did, and grateful for myself for actually trying to quit. My support goes out to the people who have had this addiction in their lives for longer than me and have literally had their lives completely upended by pixels on the screen. But for all of these guys, no matter how far into the problem they were, they were able to overcome it. Everyone has hope for recovery!

I am 100% committed to destroying this habit. I WILL DO THIS!

Day 2 ✅
 
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anubu0

Active Member
Feeling good today! Stayed up late yesterday playing poker with my friends, but I still got a good 7 hours of sleep. Going to refocus on my work during the week and enjoy social time on weekends.

Day 3 ✅

Nighttime Edit:

Feeling some medium strength urges whenever I'm in my bedroom. Luckily I've been sticking to my rule of no technology but I can just feel my P pathways activating when I'm in my bedroom. I wanted to write down what was going on as a mindfulness exercise and then dismiss the urge. This is just an urge and it will pass. It's trying to tempt me by providing short term pleasure in exchange for long term pain. I will not succumb.
 
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anubu0

Active Member
I am grateful for the people in my office who have been extremely supportive to me. I am grateful for discovering my PMO issues and for being able to address them sooner rather than later. I am grateful for myself for dismissing the urges I experienced yesterday. Feeling proud :)

Yesterday during my wave of urges I remember. thinking about the outcome of if I relapsed. Maybe this is not the best mindset but I kept telling myself that a few minutes of pleasure is not worth ruining my mood for at least 2-3 days and my progress. It was challenging convincing my P wired mind, but in the end I was able to dismiss the urges successfully.

I've also noticed that my *desire* to have sex is increasing. It's weird; I still feel like I suffer from PIED but I really want to interact with women and have sex. I see an attractive woman and my heart starts beating faster but no signs of an erection. Maybe this is a sign of slight improvement over 2 years of trying to abstain from P? Who knows, but I like the feeling.

Was reading some journals today and I want to be mindful of not touching my nether regions at all. Let them completely rest and gain some sensitization back. Also I've had problems in the past where I'd literally see a triggering picture weeks into my reboot, proceed to touch the hog for a few seconds, and immediately MO. Trying to make sure this does not happen.

Day 4 ✅
 
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