I have been attempting to quit pornography for 2 years now. I suffer from severe PIED, addiction and P urges, and I know that P has completely destroyed my life. I have never been the hardest working person, but over the past 2 years I have tried to defeat this addiction. I invested heavily in self improvement; I exercised daily and am building a body that I am proud of. I have turned my academic work ethic around, committing myself to becoming at least 1% better everyday. But in the end, P always catches up to me. I get sucked in by my urges and ultimately relapse, sending the other parts of my life into a spiral. I begin to feel inadequate, lose all the self pride and respect that I have for myself. Despite saying that I will never watch P again, I end up watching it, which completely crushes me and makes me feel useless.
*Defeatism Warning
I relapsed for probably the hundredth time today. I felt so scared and powerless before I loaded up P, so invested and focused during, and then so depressed, lonely, and shattered after. And this cycle isn't new to me... It's happened numerous times and yet I am unable to stop myself in the moment.
The way I see it. There's kind of two directions for my life right now. I guess three but I'm not genuinely considering this one: giving up and accepting this life as it is. Option 1 is to just end things because I am so tired of my life to the point that living has almost become unbearable. I have spent the past 2 years of my life trying to overcome this addiction; people like Gabe did it on their first go, but here I am, 19 years old sitting in my room watching P while my peers go out, have fun, and make fulfilling relationships. Why can't I stop this? I have these motivating thoughts yet I can't seem to carry out on them. I feel useless and I just want it to end.
Option 2 is to continue on and overcome this addiction. I don't know what it will take to do this, but I will need to motivate and discipline myself into doing this. I've tried almost everything from blockers (to which my dopamine craving mind cleverly out maneuvers), mindfullness (which I'm unable, at least now, to conjure up in crucial moments), and opening up to loved ones around me l. If anyone has any recommendations or insight please help, I need you.
As of right now Option 2 seems more favorable. I have no regard for my own life; If I had the ability to kill myself without emotionally harming my mother, father, and brother, I would probably do it. My care and love towards them is the only thing I believe that is stopping me from adhering to Option 1. So, since I refuse to do Option 3, and Option 1 is out of the picture for as long as my family is a part of my life, Option 2 is the only way to go.
Rather than giving my self fake confidence, I want to admit something: I have been completely powerless over my addiction to P. I have not exhibited the traits of others who demonstrate tremendous will power and just drag themselves through their reboots. I would love to become this person, but I am exhausted and lack this motivation. Even while writing this, completely broken and depressed, I can't push myself to motivate myself. But this process requires effort and effort is something I'll have to put forth. Borrowing from the 12 steps, I wish that God would lend me the strength to make this final push.
Day 0
*Defeatism Warning
I relapsed for probably the hundredth time today. I felt so scared and powerless before I loaded up P, so invested and focused during, and then so depressed, lonely, and shattered after. And this cycle isn't new to me... It's happened numerous times and yet I am unable to stop myself in the moment.
The way I see it. There's kind of two directions for my life right now. I guess three but I'm not genuinely considering this one: giving up and accepting this life as it is. Option 1 is to just end things because I am so tired of my life to the point that living has almost become unbearable. I have spent the past 2 years of my life trying to overcome this addiction; people like Gabe did it on their first go, but here I am, 19 years old sitting in my room watching P while my peers go out, have fun, and make fulfilling relationships. Why can't I stop this? I have these motivating thoughts yet I can't seem to carry out on them. I feel useless and I just want it to end.
Option 2 is to continue on and overcome this addiction. I don't know what it will take to do this, but I will need to motivate and discipline myself into doing this. I've tried almost everything from blockers (to which my dopamine craving mind cleverly out maneuvers), mindfullness (which I'm unable, at least now, to conjure up in crucial moments), and opening up to loved ones around me l. If anyone has any recommendations or insight please help, I need you.
As of right now Option 2 seems more favorable. I have no regard for my own life; If I had the ability to kill myself without emotionally harming my mother, father, and brother, I would probably do it. My care and love towards them is the only thing I believe that is stopping me from adhering to Option 1. So, since I refuse to do Option 3, and Option 1 is out of the picture for as long as my family is a part of my life, Option 2 is the only way to go.
Rather than giving my self fake confidence, I want to admit something: I have been completely powerless over my addiction to P. I have not exhibited the traits of others who demonstrate tremendous will power and just drag themselves through their reboots. I would love to become this person, but I am exhausted and lack this motivation. Even while writing this, completely broken and depressed, I can't push myself to motivate myself. But this process requires effort and effort is something I'll have to put forth. Borrowing from the 12 steps, I wish that God would lend me the strength to make this final push.
Day 0
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