The next chapter, on my way to a better life

tghn

Member
Hi everyone,

Thought I would make an account on this forum and immediately make a log for myself to read back when I´m struggling. I am really fed up with my destructive habits.

PMO history
I´m a M of 24, have been watching P since 12 and MO since 13. From that time on i have been PMO daily or sometimes even twice a day untill last year. In the past year my libido and urge for M has become a lot less since I, in hindsight, already was severely desensitized. So this past year I would PMO 5 times a week on average with very strong dead grip. I had a habit of M up to 2/3 hours with a lot of edging. I am really sick of myself looking back at it. My preferences did not escalate to that of an extreme, I was mostly pretty vanilla i would say. In my life I had 4 shortlasting bed partners from the time I was 19 years old. With all of these bed parnters I experienced PIED all the time. These experiences caused me to abstain from women for the last two years completely. When I experienced this PIED I went online and found out about YBOP and this forum. I was in denial back then and thinking not a lot of it as I was 19/20 years old and I did not want to see the truth of what I had become. I was on SSRI's at the time due to depression and I accounted my failing bedroom activities to these. A year ago, I was still in denial about my PMO addiction, I had bloodwork done and my testosterone levels came back as normal, although in the lower range (417 ng/dl). Another reality check: my PIED could not be contributed to my hormones.

My motivation
Yesterday something clicked into my head. I just met a wonderful girl some time ago, potentially my first girlfriend, and I became desperate at the thought that I can not be giving her anything she wants at the moment. This is my biggest motivation. I want to create a strong family with a beautiful wife and children who can look up to their healthy husband and father. It would be crazy that I give up my biggest dream for this shit. The longest I ever did nofap for was 13 days. In these days I instantly got a flatline and thats when I freaked out and PMO again.

My lifestyle
I live an active and social lifestyle. I go to the gym 5 times a week and have nice friends. I abstain from alcohol and drugs (as I suppose this would speed up my healing). I am a disciplined guy but I feel like this battle will require the most willpower I ever needed in my life.

The gameplan
I will do no PMO for as long as needed. When I get urges I fullfill my need of dopamine with something nice to eat (I am in good shape so eating habits are not a problem for me) to fullfill my dopamine craving. Also when I get urges I will look back at my motivation part of this log. I hope this log can help me take on this battle. I hope the dating with this girl goes well, and that I can start cuddling and being intimate (without O) as soon as possible. I am planning to be upfront and open about my struggles from the beginning. I am prepared for this to take a long time, up to a year, but I hope my physical condition and healthy lifestyle can shorten this period.

I do have a question for you guys and girls:
When is the right time to start O again as a part of the rewiring period? Or is it better to abstain from this completely untill i can get 100% erections again?

I get a lot of inspiration and motivation from reading the other logs on this forum before signing up, keep it up brothers!
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
Welcome to the forum brother!

Love your motivation to be a great father, husband and role model.
You've definitely taken a great first step by taking action and acknowledging that something needs to change.

To answer your question, I'd say everyone is pretty different when it comes to the recovery process and when to do what again. From my experiences, I'd say take it one day at a time. Through most of my research, pelvic floor exercises have always come up as a key way to help improve erections and libido. Give it a 2 -3 weeks and see how you feel.

(PS: Im not a doctor, this is just general advise from my experiences)

Wish you the best in your progress and with the girl
 

tghn

Member
Hi man!
Thanks for your reply. I have been looking into your log, and I must say, very inspiring mindset and drive you have. I love your positive outlook after your relapse in the past aswell... glad you are on the right track! ill be following your journey

Pelvic floor exercises is definitely ill look into!
 

tghn

Member
Day 1 - Felt barely any urges in terms of thoughts about PMO. However I did feel the urge many times to touch my little man down there. Feeling very positive and motivated about this new journey. First day done!
 

SimonM

Active Member
Welcome! You're in the right place! One key is to be honest with yourself and your support community. From there you can grow in your self-awareness and therefore catch yourself before you fail when the voices in your head start kicking in. And they WILL!

I tried for a long time to quit P but continue to O. It helped with cravings, BUT it also prevented me from truly kicking the fantasies out of my head that lead me to think about acting out. Ultimately I decided that I'd have to quit O to really get over this. At least for a long time. My pattern was always this toward the end of a long clean spell: really miss O... do that a bit... not quite exciting enough... look for some soft online content... after a while not quite enough... etc. But we're not all the same - that's just how I experienced it. I am making a new start right now and I am fully committed to avoid P, but I do allow myself some O... maybe I haven't learned my lessons... but I hope that I can use O just when things are really bad with withdrawal and as that eases my plan is to also reduce O - right now it's only about once a week vs. 2 to 3 PMO sessions a week before this.
 

tghn

Member
Hi SimonM! Thanks for your warm welcome.

I really plan on cutting out O for as long as I cut out P. For me it's also the way i M which is a problem which desensitised me... dead grip is a real thing. It's nice to hear that you have learned your lessons! Once a week O is better then 2/3 PMO per week!
I really recognise my own thoughts in your part about missing O after being clean. My longest streak was 13 days but I have done multiple streaks of around a week. Eventually always the same thoughts kick in that also fall into your head... But not this time!

Keep going!
 

tghn

Member
Day 2 - felt a lot of brainfog today. Was not feeling any physical urges, but I catched myself hypersexualizing a woman I was interacting with at work. The longer I read and learn on this forum, the more inspired and brotherhood I feel. A lot of respect for all you supportive and honest guys! This community is a great motivation for me in addition to my personal why.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Welcome and good work so far, tghn. This forum will certainly help you fight the good fight.

When is the right time to start O again as a part of the rewiring period?
Good question - I think the best advice is to stick to the 90-day reboot plan to give your mind and body ample time to recover. However, I'm 56 days into my reboot and have MO a few times (carefully and thoughtfully).
 

tghn

Member
Day 4 - today I was around a very attractive woman all day. Normally I would MO and fantasize when home but now I feel like a totally different man because I don’t. Small victories are key!
 

tghn

Member
Day 5 - today I felt more urges. I was around a lot of women today. On the other hand I felt like I could hold stronger eye contact, and felt more masculine overall. When feeling the urge to PMO I called a friend for some chatting so my mind was off the urges. Going strong!
 

tghn

Member
Day 6, 7, 8, 9 - still going strong! I feel like my interest for women in real life majorly starts to increase. Where I would deem a woman mildly attractive in the past, that some woman is now wildly attractive in my eyes. Down there it is pretty dead. I feel like where are working here! Getting more motivated with other projects in life by the day!
 

tghn

Member
Day 10, 11, 12 - The urges are getting real now. Had some wild dreams but still no morning wood. Mentally it is hard, but physically no real urges. I am glad I can distinguish that from each other. When I am in periods of urges I look at other people's logs and I get motivated again to not think about PMO again.
 

tghn

Member
Day 13 - pffff I failed myself… i did not O but I did M with fantasy. My mind wandered off and I seemed to forget about my goals.. just when I was about to O i quickly went onto the forum.. now I am reading a book. Does this count as failing? This is a wake up call for me, as it all happened so fast
 
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