hi, i’m chap :)

chap

Active Member
57 no P

been very busy w school and work. not tracking MO rn, that has been helping me focus on no P. every now and then i get the urge to PMO, but im not going back! almost about hit 2/3 of 90 days!

i start 2 more classes on tuesday, so that's gonna keep more busy and distracted too. over the summer, i was only able to see my girl once a month. since we go to the same school, im hoping that i can at least see her once a week. we used to see each other six out of seven days every week and would spend hours studying, hanging out, and stuff before we took our friendship to another level. so it is hard to not see her as often as i'd like to. we regularly text and ft though which is great. she is literally the best person ever and im super proud of her cause she is starting to do things that she has never done (internship, applying for jobs). anyways, i just hope i can start seeing her more often. sorry for the love dump

lets keep trucking sailors!
 

chap

Active Member
happy labor day to everyone in the states. today i had originally planned to study and get caught up on my precalc school as im behind. however, things unfortunately were slow and unproductive. nevertheless, i will aim to get even one thing done such as taking a shower or setting up my budget for the month of september. there is no reason to be hard on myself for not doing what i had originally planned on doing. life is a beautiful mystery, and i think i am very lucky to be a part of it.

58 no P
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
happy labor day to everyone in the states. today i had originally planned to study and get caught up on my precalc school as im behind. however, things unfortunately were slow and unproductive. nevertheless, i will aim to get even one thing done such as taking a shower or setting up my budget for the month of september. there is no reason to be hard on myself for not doing what i had originally planned on doing. life is a beautiful mystery, and i think i am very lucky to be a part of it.

58 no P
I like the perspective Chap! Congrats on 58 days, very solid stuff. In my own experience, being too hard on myself was very counterproductive. It’s a balance.

Wishing you the best week and sending all the awesome vibes!
 

chap

Active Member
I like the perspective Chap! Congrats on 58 days, very solid stuff. In my own experience, being too hard on myself was very counterproductive. It’s a balance.

Wishing you the best week and sending all the awesome vibes!
thanks @Kraken i received ur awesome vibes, tysm!! it's been a pretty tough week; behind in school has got me stressing and i have been a bit unmotivated, but i have not given into P—and will not! looking forward to next saturday since i will most likely get to be w my girl; please send me all the best vibes to manifest it to happen lol. i will use this external motivation to get me through this week and caught up by saturday!

I have been MO'ing a lot lately. at least once a day. so I am going to challenge myself to go 3 days (including today) wo MO. i will start with a little victory and see how that goes.

64 no P
1 no MO
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
thanks @Kraken i received ur awesome vibes, tysm!! it's been a pretty tough week; behind in school has got me stressing and i have been a bit unmotivated, but i have not given into P—and will not! looking forward to next saturday since i will most likely get to be w my girl; please send me all the best vibes to manifest it to happen lol. i will use this external motivation to get me through this week and caught up by saturday!

I have been MO'ing a lot lately. at least once a day. so I am going to challenge myself to go 3 days (including today) wo MO. i will start with a little victory and see how that goes.

64 no P
1 no MO
Awesome Chap! I will overnight the best vibes your way. A new week is beginning exciting to hear how it goes!
 

chap

Active Member
@Kraken and all my other brothers, 73 days no P! i MO here and there, but i’ve been doing my best to try to not do it daily. i had a wonderful saturday w my girl last week which was awesome. we went to LA and watched one of my favorite artists perform, then we drove around LA. we weren’t able to be as physical since we were out, but we kissed briefly and i was able to grab some areas for a few minutes before the show. as i was driving i’d rub her back w one hand or rub her thigh.

that aside, idk why, but i have this need to always be touching her whenever we are alone together. and she is the one in our relationship w the lower sex/physical drive so she can get annoyed if im always trying to touch her. what are some ways u kings have managed or dealt w getting very touchy. any advice would be very helpful. and ik i really just need to “not touch” all the time, but that can be easier said than done. are there mental strategies or behavioral strategies that u have done that have helped u be less touchy or at least a little more in control?
 

BrassBalls707

Active Member
we kissed briefly and i was able to grab some areas for a few minutes before the show. as i was driving i’d rub her back w one hand or rub her thigh.
Not to kill your stride but be careful describing intimate acts here. I now speak for myself but it approaches trigger territory. I'm usually on the forum when I need to center myself and want to top off my motivation to continue, and this makes it harder.

Also, I worry about you engaging in MO. Doing so without porn is a milestone surely, but I believe you may be making the step to relapse with P smaller and smaller. Consider what (stimulation) you think of when you engage with MO. 'Refreshing' pornographic material in your mind's eye can gradually rubberband you back to relapse. Even if it's your girlfriend you are imagining, that seems plausible. It's a slippery slope. What I'm trying to say is that it's important to draw lines to ensure the avoidance of relapse. If you've done that or don't see the above as an issue, feel free to ignore or correct me.

and ik i really just need to “not touch” all the time
I think it's important to also consider the "why" here.
Why does my girlfriend get annoyed when I get touchy?
I believe it's because they're female. Less testosterone lowers this impulse that may lead to sex. This physical affection you show comes across as sexual desire. This isn't a bad thing, everyone likes to be desired to some degree. But since this has a sexual connotation, she may believe that "him touching me is only about sex and not about me".

She may need to know from you that there's more of her you pay attention to.
There are more ways to show affection @chap. Consider giving a compliment but not on appearance only. The compliment can be about an accomplishment or a quality she exhibited. Make it sound like you're not just thinking about her body, but about what she's doing as well. Listen to what she 'needs' and get a relevant gift. Oftentimes people will complain about some inefficiency or frustration in their life and instead of empathising we respond "Just do X or Y, dude.". That's infinitely dismissive of the feeling that is expressed and it invalidates the whole social engagement. I'm not suggesting you turn into a subservient sugar daddy though.

Cook, surprise her with a date, engage with her passions, help her work through something (be careful as a man with problem solving, oftentimes listening and summarizing is enough so she knows she is heard and understood)...

are there mental strategies or behavioral strategies that u have done that have helped u be less touchy or at least a little more in control?

Consider that your fixation with touch may be a figment of PMO addiction. Being touchy can result from the same neural activity as browsing P and engaging with MO. To me it sounds like simple impulse control. I say this because when I was dating actively, I could not keep my hands to myself either. Training conscientiousness was huge for me, and that started with sitting myself down and reflecting. It's a simple meditation to ruminate on your behavior. You can combine this with breathing techniques to make it more difficult (and more engaging if you're bored easily!). I'd suggest starting with something easy, like fixed point gazing and counting your thoughts for a few minutes as you re-focus on the technique. This will bring into view how quick your mind is to rope you along with impulsive thoughts. Be astonished by the amount of thoughts your brain produces! Afterwards, consider bodyscan meditation so you're more aware of tactile sensations (it serves to train your conscientiousness still). You can do the same with auditory sensations and eventually even feelings if you're as emotionally stunted as I am 😂

These helped me, there's more you can find. Let's not be slaves to our impulses, @chap!!!

Good going so far💪
 

chap

Active Member
@BrassBalls707 thank you for everything that you mentioned here. i did indeed read it thoroughly and want to work and live up to a lot of the things u said. thank you for letting me know about the possible trigger warning, i will be more careful and cognizant of the fact.

i also worry from time to time if MOing is not what i should. i admit that i depend on it to keep myself from turning to P. u make really good points that i have also considered, however, u were able to state something i have thought about very clearly.

i really appreciate all the substantial and helpful advice. i will keep all this in mind and definitely try to practice it.
 

chap

Active Member
day 75 no P
day 2 no MO

got school and then a session i am holding for work. but i have not planned my session yet so i am cramming a bit today.
 

chap

Active Member
hey @BrassBalls707 i wanted to get some clarification from some of your points, if u wouldn't mind :)
Consider what (stimulation) you think of when you engage with MO.
may u elaborate on what u mean by stimulation please? i take that to mean like am i thinking visually (imagining a specifc scenario or act), or thinking of a smell (perhaps the smell of my SO), or thinking sensually (like focusing on my body and its sensations as i MO)

'Refreshing' pornographic material in your mind's eye can gradually rubberband you back to relapse. Even if it's your girlfriend you are imagining, that seems plausible.
by refreshing do u mean that to be like like the verb to refresh (like a computer browser)? or refreshing like a refreshing drink (like it's new and restorative). i think u mean the former, right? i will be candid and admit that when i MO, it is definitely done with visualization (using my imagination) as well as pics of my lady. so im just inferring that u mean that doing it the way i have been doing it can rubberband me back to relapse, correct? and i have honestly been having this preoccupation for some time now, because part of me is concerned that maybe my PMO like tendencies have shift to my lady (yes, i have not watched an P, but i do regularly MO to my girl)

Consider that your fixation with touch may be a figment of PMO addiction.
i feel like this is true and is spot on.

thanks again @BrassBalls707 for everything u said!
 

BrassBalls707

Active Member
thinking visually (imagining a specifc scenario or act)
Yes, this is what I meant.

it can rubberband me back to relapse
Exactly. What is a picture of your SO (naked or showing, likely) if not an image of an exposed woman. And what is porn if not videos or images of exposed women performing sexual acts? Personally, I think these two are far too similar for your brain to understand the difference. Consider also the concept of 'habituation' applying here. i.e. your brain decreasing the response to a stimulus after repeated exposure. By continuing to MO to your SO by yourself, your brain may excite you less when seeing your SO in person. Despite having 'circumvented' P by using images of your SO, it may yet cause problems. If you start feeling less sexually attracted to your SO, if the sex becomes more about O instead of the intimacy and passion... You'll know what I mean. .

The desire for porn comes from our brains, and we are nothing more than our brains steering our muscles, thoughts and emotions. How can you be absolutely sure that this SO-MO is unaffected by your PMO addiction? To me it comes across like an alcoholic indulging with non-alcoholic beverages. They believe they're still sober, but they're not addressing the triggers and urges that lead to the consumption of a drink that is a hair's breadth away from relapse. Non-alcoholic beverages still contain a small percentage of alcohol, and indulging therein is the same as dripfeeding you the same of what you got through porn. What will you do if the images you have don't excite you anymore? What if your SO is unwilling or unable to send more? What if your need for digital sexual stimulation strains your relationship? I could be exaggerating because cynicism comes easy to me, but think on it and see how your SO responds to this. You can talk to them about it, if you think it to be a problem.

Imagine yourself in her shoes, aware that her SO 'uses' her for sexual stimulation and in person - still - gets handsy often.
"Is this still not enough?"
"Am I not enough?"
"Does he need more enticing material and effort from my side to stay in the relationship?"
"Will I be able to continue with this forever?"


I'm not saying this will happen and I don't want to fearmonger. This is just what I've seen happen with other guys and I'd hate for this to fly over your head without having time to react.

thanks again @BrassBalls707 for everything u said!
You're welcome dude, I'm glad for the interaction.

Fight on!
 

chap

Active Member
By continuing to MO to your SO by yourself, your brain may excite you less when seeing your SO in person. Despite having 'circumvented' P by using images of your SO, it may yet cause problems.
do u think that if i were to MO only to my imagination and not to ANY pics of my SO, that would continue to perpetuate this PMO to SO-MO? is the ideal goal of MO to soley be sensual with no kind of visualization attached to the experience. this is where i think it becomes really subjective for us. i would like to continue to MO, however, just doing it by "feel" is not as stimulating as, perhaps, thinking of my SO. i'm curious to know what ur thoughts r on this. i want to add, however, that i think this is why it is not only crucial to do 90 days of no P, but also 90 days of no MO, since like u say here: (quote below)
What is a picture of your SO (naked or showing, likely) if not an image of an exposed woman. And what is porn if not videos or images of exposed women performing sexual acts? Personally, I think these two are far too similar for your brain to understand the difference.


How can you be absolutely sure that this SO-MO is unaffected by your PMO addiction?
a query, i myself have pondered many nights with. i will add that i am convinced that at the very least, SO-MO is an extension of PMO most definitely if pictures or videos are involved. i remain uncertain about my imagination. what r ur thoughts?

What will you do if the images you have don't excite you anymore? What if your SO is unwilling or unable to send more? What if your need for digital sexual stimulation strains your relationship? I could be exaggerating because cynicism comes easy to me, but think on it and see how your SO responds to this. You can talk to them about it, if you think it to be a problem.
all amazing great points that i do hope to mention to her in some future conversations if needed

i appreciate ur insightful thoughts and advice! tysm!
 

BrassBalls707

Active Member
is the ideal goal of MO to soley be sensual with no kind of visualization attached to the experience.
I believe balancing MO as a PMO addict is a pipedream. Personally, I think it to be the same as an angry drunk saying "I won't hurt anyone or get in trouble this next time I go drinking!"
The whole reason an angry drunk stops drinking is because they've admitted that using causes problems. If they decide to try moderation after this realization, seems to me like them voluntarily putting on a blindfold so they can ignore the writing on the wall.

In the end, why does one suffer behavioral addictions? There is a reason. If I didn't find that reason and addressed it, it would have made me relapse more easily.

do u think that if i were to MO only to my imagination and not to ANY pics of my SO, that would continue to perpetuate this PMO to SO-MO?
Yes. As per 'habituation', you'll get bored of your imagination and seek inspiration. Be that pictures of your SO or porn, again. I personally don't see an upside to MO anymore. I had considered it myself, but I realized it would eventually enable porn use and swore it off.

what r ur thoughts?
I had a short lived relationship years ago and did the same SO-PMO you describe. I never managed to separate the two, and eventually went back to using. Partly due to the breakup, but also because my interests became more and more deranged. I had to find the next best 'exciting' thing. All this material was just fuel for my imagination. Although I'm imaginative, it could never beat the onslaught of porn I could browse online so I always went back despite my best efforts. I got frustrated because it took me too long or because it was too hard to focus on the two at once. It may be an ADD vulnerability to more easily grasp for the low-hanging fruit, but choosing the path of least resistance is also a very human thing in general.
 

chap

Active Member
@BrassBalls707 thanks again for ur candor and wisdom. all of ur recent responses has really influenced me. i am in the midst of determining root behaviors and boundaries i must set with myself in order to feel like i am in line with my values and morals. thanks to u, this self-observation and self-conversation was possible. i appreciate it!
 

chap

Active Member
77 no P
4 no MO


i have found that i really enjoy sewing. stashing that in my toolkit of things to do when i am bored. really need to cut down on social media and such. firstly, it takes up a lot of time that i can be productive, and secondly, i have noticed moments where there is something remotely attractive that gets me desiring to MO—need to minimize that. still have a lot of school work, but i cleaned my room up a bit so it was not something that wasn't done in vain.

reminder brothers, our lives our in our control (at least a lot of it is). when we choose to bear the responsibility of being a man, or in my case, bearing the responsibility of being a student, we in essence bear the responsibility of all men—and in my case, bear the responsibility of all students.
 
Top