hi, i’m chap :)

[TakeActionNow]

Hey @chap, old man here. If I could live your life, this is what I would do:

Embrace discomfort. Discomfort is your friend. It is telling you that you are doing right.
Running is uncomfortable? You are doing right.
Study is uncomfortable? You are doing right
Handling rejection is uncomfortable? You are doing right.
Anything smooth, easy, unchallenged like ice cream never improves us. Might make us fat and slow at as well.

Your mom is kind, and she is not making you soft. We have to pace ourselves, but we must never let our tension down. Never feel better by wanking. Always feel better by recognizing all the achievements you made across the day. Above all else, school, sports, sex, the most important thing to build is yourself.
You study not for the grade but for your knowledge.
You run not for the finish line but to be a better runner.
You get the girl not for what you can give to her but what you aspire the both of you can become.
Think further. Think becoming.

Don't call her your crush. Call her your potential. Don't beat around the bush. Tell her you like her and would like to be more. Don't be friendzoned. Women are not men. Friendly never goes far, only intentions. Only the guy who is clear with what he wants gets it. Rejection is fair game. It means you're not good enough, yet. If you can learn and improve from it, you'll find yourself with better and better partners. Women respect this. They only want men with clear intentions. If men are wishy washy with what they want, they won't give them any chance. Because by being wishywashy they know you know that you're not yet ready.

Enough said.
I really wish I was in your shoes.
I envy you, with so much to look forward to.
Embrace discomfort! Its the path to success!

You can do this!

P. S. We're already buddies since we're both Andrew Hubermembers

 

[Blondie]

know that it’s my anxiety and overthinking making me feel this way. so i’ll try to rationalize that, “yes, my crush saw a tab of my reboot forum and it happened to say ‘porn’ (and as a matter of fact, it actually was porn is not an option). you can think about how she perceives you now all you want, but that won’t change how you interact with her. our true, shared experience will ultimately weigh out the character in our relationship (friendship).”

I honestly wouldn't worry about it @chap, I know that might be easier said than done. But these days, looking at porn is like taking a shit, everyone's doing it. Hell, I told my class in one discussion last year that I don't look at porn anymore. I obviously didn't get into details, but literally, no one gave a fuck about my admission. I'm pretty sure some of the women there thought it was great for a dude to say that. I think they were thinking, "Who is this guy? What guy these days doesn't look at porn?" And they laughed when I accused the class saying, "I sure everyone here looks, but half of you don't even want to admit it!" Unless your friend is religious or older than 40, no one cares these days, right or wrong.

And I concur with @TakeActionNow, I would ask this girl on a date. You don't have to tell her your feelings or anything (I would suggest not), just officially ask her on a date and see what she says. And whatever you do, DON'T ask to "hang out". I spent my young days having crushes while never ever acting on them. I wish someone would have told me to get acting and not dreaming because sometimes we need a kick in the pants. I would hate to have you see some "asshole" actually ask her out, and then you have to watch him and her dating while feeling the way you do.

I would never go as far as saying men and women can't be friends, because obviously, we should all learn how to be civil and professional and not act like barbarians. However, out of my forty years of life, I have yet to have a "friendship" with a woman, where one of us didn't want more than the other was willing to give. Either she was attracted to me, or I to her, or both of us were attracted to each other but she or I was in a relationship, which is definitely a no no. It's very very hard to be "just friends" and to put it bluntly, if you're acting like her friend, when in reality, you want way more than just friendship, then you're being disingenuous to yourself and her. And on some level, I would wager her feminine intuition alreadly knows this.

I could be wrong, but at least now you know where I stand. There's nothing like waiting for someone, spending time and resources on them, but never getting anything back in return. It's best just to be a man and state your purpose, no matter where the chips fall. And I write this tonight, just as much for myself as I do for you.

Best Brother

 

[Kraken]

I agree with Blondie on this one. In my personal experience, there was a girl I had a crush on and we hung out a lot and were friends. Near the end of our time together I found out she also had feelings for me but by then it was too late and she had to go home overseas.

That’s just one example but this sort of thing happened a lot in my younger years and it’s something most guys struggle with - getting that courage to ask a woman out. I am a big believer in first dates and taking things one step at a time. It makes things more manageable. Instead of dreaming in your head of a vivid future with this girl just think how it would be nice to go out to coffee or to dinner with her and then ask if she would like to. And if it goes well, suggest something else. If you need ideas, there are a lot of ideas out there and I’d be happy to suggest some as well.

Be brave man, live your life with purpose, steer your ship where you want it to go. You can do it, others just like you have done it and I believe you are going to have great successes in the areas you want to focus on.

Kraken

 

[chap]

Hey @chap, old man here. If I could live your life, this is what I would do:

Embrace discomfort. Discomfort is your friend. It is telling you that you are doing right.
Running is uncomfortable? You are doing right.
Study is uncomfortable? You are doing right
Handling rejection is uncomfortable? You are doing right.
Anything smooth, easy, unchallenged like ice cream never improves us. Might make us fat and slow at as well.

Your mom is kind, and she is not making you soft. We have to pace ourselves, but we must never let our tension down. Never feel better by wanking. Always feel better by recognizing all the achievements you made across the day. Above all else, school, sports, sex, the most important thing to build is yourself.
You study not for the grade but for your knowledge.
You run not for the finish line but to be a better runner.
You get the girl not for what you can give to her but what you aspire the both of you can become.
Think further. Think becoming.

Don't call her your crush. Call her your potential. Don't beat around the bush. Tell her you like her and would like to be more. Don't be friendzoned. Women are not men. Friendly never goes far, only intentions. Only the guy who is clear with what he wants gets it. Rejection is fair game. It means you're not good enough, yet. If you can learn and improve from it, you'll find yourself with better and better partners. Women respect this. They only want men with clear intentions. If men are wishy washy with what they want, they won't give them any chance. Because by being wishywashy they know you know that you're not yet ready.

Enough said.
I really wish I was in your shoes.
I envy you, with so much to look forward to.
Embrace discomfort! Its the path to success!

You can do this!

P. S. We're already buddies since we're both Andrew Hubermembers

hey, i really really appreciate your very thoughtful insight. i really want to get my feet wet in discomfort, but im so scared, especially with the girl that i like. i know i should tell her, but i am so insecure still and afraid of rejection. regardless, this message means a lot to me, i appreciate your wisdom!

 

[chap]

I honestly wouldn't worry about it @chap, I know that might be easier said than done. But these days, looking at porn is like taking a shit, everyone's doing it. Hell, I told my class in one discussion last year that I don't look at porn anymore. I obviously didn't get into details, but literally, no one gave a fuck about my admission. I'm pretty sure some of the women there thought it was great for a dude to say that. I think they were thinking, "Who is this guy? What guy these days doesn't look at porn?" And they laughed when I accused the class saying, "I sure everyone here looks, but half of you don't even want to admit it!" Unless your friend is religious or older than 40, no one cares these days, right or wrong.

And I concur with @TakeActionNow, I would ask this girl on a date. You don't have to tell her your feelings or anything (I would suggest not), just officially ask her on a date and see what she says. And whatever you do, DON'T ask to "hang out". I spent my young days having crushes while never ever acting on them. I wish someone would have told me to get acting and not dreaming because sometimes we need a kick in the pants. I would hate to have you see some "asshole" actually ask her out, and then you have to watch him and her dating while feeling the way you do.

I would never go as far as saying men and women can't be friends, because obviously, we should all learn how to be civil and professional and not act like barbarians. However, out of my forty years of life, I have yet to have a "friendship" with a woman, where one of us didn't want more than the other was willing to give. Either she was attracted to me, or I to her, or both of us were attracted to each other but she or I was in a relationship, which is definitely a no no. It's very very hard to be "just friends" and to put it bluntly, if you're acting like her friend, when in reality, you want way more than just friendship, then you're being disingenuous to yourself and her. And on some level, I would wager her feminine intuition alreadly knows this.

I could be wrong, but at least now you know where I stand. There's nothing like waiting for someone, spending time and resources on them, but never getting anything back in return. It's best just to be a man and state your purpose, no matter where the chips fall. And I write this tonight, just as much for myself as I do for you.

Best Brother

blondie, once again. your wisdom never fails to amaze and inspire me. i know i need to do it. i genuinely really like her and want to get to know her more as a friend. it totally scares me that i’ll keep obsessing and lose my shot if someone else takes it before me. i think what you’re saying is blunt, but the cold hard truth.

i just find myself in this place where i feel like i’m completely paralyzed, unable to mindfully make the call and just shoot my shot—whether it goes the way i want it to or not.

 

[chap]

I agree with Blondie on this one. In my personal experience, there was a girl I had a crush on and we hung out a lot and were friends. Near the end of our time together I found out she also had feelings for me but by then it was too late and she had to go home overseas.

That’s just one example but this sort of thing happened a lot in my younger years and it’s something most guys struggle with - getting that courage to ask a woman out. I am a big believer in first dates and taking things one step at a time. It makes things more manageable. Instead of dreaming in your head of a vivid future with this girl just think how it would be nice to go out to coffee or to dinner with her and then ask if she would like to. And if it goes well, suggest something else. If you need ideas, there are a lot of ideas out there and I’d be happy to suggest some as well.

Be brave man, live your life with purpose, steer your ship where you want it to go. You can do it, others just like you have done it and I believe you are going to have great successes in the areas you want to focus on.

Kraken

thanks kraken, it makes me feel better knowing that this isn’t just something i’m only going through. my goodness it makes me so frustrated that i’m so afraid to make the move!

 

[chap]

@TakeActionNow @Blondie @Kraken thank you for offering me some really thoughtful insight in your responses. like i’ve mentioned already. i’m so afraid to act on it, primarily because i am afraid of rejection. i like to think that i have pretty good chemistry with this girl that i like: she’s pretty introverted and i’ve gotten to know her a lot over the past four months. in that time she’s opened up quite a lot and seems more comfortable with me. i am able to make her laugh pretty hard, that’s what i think got me to start really liking her.

but there are some little red flags that i noticed that just scare me, which make me all the more afraid to make a move. it’s just mainly the way she communicates when we’re not in person. she’s pretty busy with school. and our conversations over text (just between us) can be pretty bland. but from time to time, she’ll send lengthier texts. i do my best throughout the day to focus on other things and not think about her, since i am trying to detach from this obsessed way of thinking of her all the time, especially when it’s like daydreamy.

i notice when we talk, she always makes eye contact with me. i find it kind of hard to look people in the eyes the whole time when talking, i don’t know if im supposed look at them the whole time or just make eye contact but not for too long? i don’t know. but i see that as a good thing since it does seem like she genuinely listens. she has admitted that she’s more of a listener too. and sometimes she won’t respond over text because she doesn’t know what to respond with or has forgotten. during those times, i try to rationalize how significant the message i sent to her really was, more often than not, i see that it wasn’t something that needed to be answered back to

when we sit down it seems like she sits across from me. i always want to try to sit next to her in some way. i’ve seen in videos that distancing may be that they’re not interested or that you haven’t built enough rapport with them yet. she’s a pretty shy type of person and won’t really talk much unless it really involves her. so i find myself initiating a lot of our communication. but lately, she’ll call my name and ask or say something that initiates a conversation.

i’m throwing a lot out. sorry. i guess what i am trying to say is that there are some great things, especially in person, going on between us. but then i find myself doubting everything, i look into the littlest of intricacies and spot something “wrong” even though i have no control over it or it’s literally NOT MY BUSINESS. i want to be the best i can be, i want to become a better man. my question for you is, what are some things i can do to improve my self esteem and help me really build up the courage to just do it.

i know the answer’s plain and simple: just do it. but i find myself, every time, avoiding it. i want to ask her out on a date, with the preconception that it can be a 50/50 chance: she’ll accept to go on a date or she won’t. and that i need to respect that and move on. i’ve been thinking of asking her when the semester is over since she’s busy with school and i wouldn’t want to overwhelm her with, “hey i like you, want to go for a date” type of scenario. but then another side of me is scared that i’m simply prolonging the whole confrontation by saying im going to ask her out around this time in order to avoid it. ugggghh idk.

but to go full circle, i’d rather be dealing with this than being a slave to the brain and being a mindless pmo fool. sorry for making anyone read this whole thing, but i’d really appreciate any insight or advice.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Sitting facing you is what girls prefer.
Sitting next to girls is what guys prefer.
Girls dont like to have to keep on turning to look at you.

Looking at you is good.
It's when they don't look at you that's when you're in trouble.

Don't have a absolute outlook in life.
If she says no to a date, she might have something on. Try again another time. The message is clear only if she keeps on refusing wo reason. Also, make it a event. Wanna grab a coffee? Wanna catch a movie/ exhibition/ performance together? Dates like wine and dine can be rather formal. Save it for her birthday or something special. Get started on casual stuff.

Red flag is only when she tells you she likes another guy and ask you how to go about it or she never text or call you without you initiating it, or she takes forever to reply and in monosyllabic.

Introverts are not quiet people.
They open up to people they like or trust.

Anyway you're thinking too much.
And now you have analysis paralysis.
Go climb a flight of stairs to work off that energy.

Instead of worrying about this or that, go be proactive and make a bunch of activity plans.

If you're thinking about her all the time, then go text her that you're thinking about her

 

[TakeActionNow]

" i am trying to detach from this obsessed way of thinking of her all the time, especially when it’s like daydreamy "

You seemed rather free and can do with giving your life some directions.

1. Distance runner.
Have you done an ultra yet?
Is there a trail race happening near you ?
Go sign up one and start preparing for it.
You can think about her all you want when you're chalking up the miles!

2. Japanese.
Signed up for JLPT already?
If not, get to it!

3. Are you pimply and messy hair and loose clothing?
Of course not, you have thighs of steel!
Go study how to dress and look better. Be presentable.
Athletes are sexy hot cos they have the bod!

Put yourself on a schedule.
Get busy
Girls like guys with purpose
Even if it means telling them you gotta leave early to train.
They respect discipline

You got this!

 

[chap]

@TakeActionNow i didn’t think of it like that (about the sitting situation) thanks for somehow making me feel a bit relieved! you’re totally right, my coach says that too when we start overthinking our training and start to mess up: Paralysis by Analysis.

thinking in absolutes is maybe a bit like black/white thinking or an all/nothing mentality, you think? i’ll definitely look into ways to stop thinking in absolutes.

she hasn’t mentioned to me any other guys she may like, and i am known to be like the therapist of our little group circle since i’m the oldest. so knowing the circumstance, they could come to me for something like that—but haven’t, so i guess that’s good. and yeah she’s way more comfortable around me than she was four months ago. i haven’t gotten super duper personal with her though yet.

i’ve been trying to ask questions that’ll offer her an opportunity to self-disclose if she wants. i got climb a flight of stair to work off this energy!

thank you for your advice! it’s greatly appreciated. the big takeaway for me is stopping myself from getting to the point of analysis paralysis, be proactive and make plans, become more occupied in life (give life some direction)—it can be attractive.

 

[Androg]

Frankly, it sounds like she wants you to ask her out, and is probably wondering what's taking so long.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @chap.

I do concur with the others that she very well might like you. Of course, she might not, but you won't know until you ask! But in regards to asking, maybe you should change the way you think about "asking".

Don't ask to go on a date, say instead, "Let's go get some coffee together!" or "Let's go on a coffee date" It's a slight difference, but women notice it. Because you're not asking, but you're being a leader. Of course, she might very well ask on return "Are you asking me on a date?" and you reply, "Of course I am. Look at you! I've loved the fun we've had over the last few months. Who wouldn't want to ask you on a date?"

Let's go on a date
Let's go to the movies
Let's go to the park and read together

Sounds much better and masculine than...

Do you want to go a date with me?
Do you want to go to the movies with me?
Do you want to go to the park?

Do you see what I mean?

Be a leader, women love it.

 

[Kraken]

Good advice in here from others. Remember that logic will never change an emotion, but action will. It’s time to take an action, make it small simple and manageable.

I used to do a lot of coffee first dates, that was my go to. If it is fun and she is easy to talk to in the context of a date, ask her to something else. If not, that’s okay, there may be another opportunity in the future or she may not be a good fit and you should find someone else you are interested in to go on a first date with.

 

[chap]

DAY 8

it’s been rough in school, slowly making some progress.

have spring break this week.

the urges are crazy in my sleep. i always think i relapse and wake up realizing i’m okay.

yesterday, had a track meet in LA, pr’d in the 1500m, then went out to the city with my teammates including my crush.

still troubled with my crush, and everything’s pointing to me to go and ask her out. i will do it. just a matter of when

overall, things are going well. let’s start this week strong folks and tackle all our problems, one at a time!

 

[Kraken]

DAY 8

it’s been rough in school, slowly making some progress.

have spring break this week.

the urges are crazy in my sleep. i always think i relapse and wake up realizing i’m okay.

yesterday, had a track meet in LA, pr’d in the 1500m, then went out to the city with my teammates including my crush.

still troubled with my crush, and everything’s pointing to me to go and ask her out. i will do it. just a matter of when

overall, things are going well. let’s start this week strong folks and tackle all our problems, one at a time!

You are doing great! Lots of great things going on in your life, enjoy it man!

 

[chap]

relapse at day 12, almost made it to day 13.

what can i learn from this: for me, day 11-12 will be extremely difficult and you’ll have to double down on the things that occupy your time and also supplement your well-being. get rid of any kinds of triggers that are easily accesible.

hope everyone is well! there is something we can always take from a slip! onwards!

 

[SmokenMirrors]

relapse at day 12, almost made it to day 13.

what can i learn from this: for me, day 11-12 will be extremely difficult and you’ll have to double down on the things that occupy your time and also supplement your well-being. get rid of any kinds of triggers that are easily accesible.

hope everyone is well! there is something we can always take from a slip! onwards!

Loving this positivity! Keep on fighting the good fight brother!

 

[Kraken]

How’s it going chap?

 

[chap]

@Kraken thanks for checking in on me! it’s pretty good right now. i’ve been pmo free for a couple of days but i didn’t track when i stopped lol. i’ve been feeling well lately since pmo has not actually been on my mind.

i’ve started using this app called ‘how we feel’ and you can check in and make entries about how you’re feeling. i’ve been using it daily and i am starting to see patterns and trends in how i am feeling. it’s been effective top a capacity.

school’s been rough, had to drop a class and i changed my major. but i feel like things are coming together and i am optimistic about my academic and athletic future.

my lady troubles, to put it simply, are basically me fighting my intrusive thoughts everyday. i know that i want to make a move soon, just a matter of time

 

[Kraken]

@Kraken thanks for checking in on me! it’s pretty good right now. i’ve been pmo free for a couple of days but i didn’t track when i stopped lol. i’ve been feeling well lately since pmo has not actually been on my mind.

i’ve started using this app called ‘how we feel’ and you can check in and make entries about how you’re feeling. i’ve been using it daily and i am starting to see patterns and trends in how i am feeling. it’s been effective top a capacity.

school’s been rough, had to drop a class and i changed my major. but i feel like things are coming together and i am optimistic about my academic and athletic future.

my lady troubles, to put it simply, are basically me fighting my intrusive thoughts everyday. i know that i want to make a move soon, just a matter of time

That’s great man! Sorry about school, that can be super stressful.