Mourning What Could Have Been?


[Trigger warning]

I find myself thinking a lot, even in these early days about what could have been, if I had never seen my first porn images, never sipped my first beer (I realize this isn't a problem for everyone here, but it is for me, and it does relate to my porn use). I find myself envying the men who grew up before the internet. Was life in any way better then? Was sexuality more normal, less twisted? I often wonder how things would be different? Would I, ironically, have been less anxious around the girls I liked when I was a teenager, and when I was in college, if I had no choice but to talk to them in order to have a sex life. Not that we should use women, but that I long for, and I mourn for that simpler life. You have a crush on a girl (I am still talking about being a teenager here) and you talk to her. Later on in college you ask her out, take her up to your room. How would things be different than the way they did in fact play out?

I don't think my expectations would have been so high. I wouldn't have been so nervous about losing my virginity, about sex, about talking to a woman. Because I wouldn't have anything to compare it to. I may have talked to peers about their experiences. Teenagers often do. But I wouldn't have any images in my head. What would it be like if the first time I saw a pair of breasts they belonged to someone I actually had a crush on, whom I was interacting with in real life? What if I had had no expectations of sex before I actually had it? Maybe I would have dated more women. Maybe I would have dated less. Maybe I would have been with one woman a lot longer than any of my real relationships lasted. Maybe I wouldn't have been so dogmatic about what sex should be like when I was in relationships. Maybe I would have gone with the flow more. I would be more in the moment. I would be more engaged in sex, which is what women often say they want, isn't it?

Because what ends up happening is we simply copy what we see in porn in our real life sexual relationships. We are just making a copy of a copy. It isn't authentic anymore. And it is never as good as what we have been taught to imagine, what we see in porn. Sex isn't ever anything like what we see in porn, which is probably a good thing.

Just some thoughts but they don't do much. It's not like I can go back into the past and undo it. I definitely wouldn't go near porn if I could do it over. But I guess, live and learn.