podvig
Member
I've decided that I'm going to do a fresh reboot.
I know that we should be focusing on our victories and anticipating some relapses, rather than just resetting any progress, and I'm not obsessing over getting a flawless streak (although this would be most welcome), but this past weekend I watched a lot of P and failed so badly on this challenge - I watched two movies about French prostitutes hoping it would turn me off that whole way of life and teach me about the corrupt world they inhabit, but instead it just turned me on more and prepped me for watching more P.
I created another Stripchat account and threw away about £70 to one of the digital camgirls, when I was trying to keep a strict budget. I even turned down going to meet up with a friend on the weekend because of this, but then proceed to waste money I don't have on these empty pleasures instead, such a betrayal. As any good addict would do I suppose.
Also I broke my commitment against drinking too, and this fuelled other passions. Now I feel like an empty shell. It's ironic that weather here in the UK is really good right now - bright, warm and sunny. But within myself I am cold, dark and damp, such a contrast.
Given this major fall, I think it would be more effective for me to start again, with a clean slate, from Day #1. I've learnt a lot from these past few weeks, but I want to give myself another fresh start. I will carry on with this one for ninety days - regardless of whether I fall again in a similar fashion, as I don't want to get addicted to "starting all over again" as I know that can be a vicious cycle.
I've found a tonne of resources today which have been inspiring, and I've been reading some other threads to get me motivated, and while I don't agree with some of the stuff I've found, I understand people hold different worldviews and that mine is a rarity in today's world.
So, let's do this again... 90 days from now takes me to Saturday 8th October.
Day #1 - Monday 11th July '22
Midday
Still in recovery mode from this past weekends trials. I'll be caught in the vines for a few days at least. Looking forward to regaining optimism, energy and vitality. Desperately need contacts, a network of guys and something resembling a social life. Also need to start working out and replacing the wasteful habit of PMO with a fun, creative hobby.
I pushed my prayer rule too far last week, which is what caused this fall I believe. When you play with fire, you get burned. I'm returning to basics and just going to focus on that for now. I'm liable to piling on too much pressure and too many expectations, so I need to balance out my approach a little, and lean on God for more strength. He allowed this fall to bring me back to humility. My pride is exhausting and something I am slowly removing over time.
Need to change my diet, get a new job, start earning decent salary and move out of my moms house, finally leaving the "comfort zone". It's all doable, I just need to apply myself.
14.09
Found an excellent series that I'm working through today:
Comes with a free download for an entire Reboot Regimen - this is exactly what I needed. This time feels different, I really believe that I can conquer this addiction once and for all.
14.35:
I'm going for the "Hard Mode" reboot, which means being completely PMO-free, for the next ninety days. This was my original aim but now I can define and label it.
Also made some notes from the 3rd video of the series shared above. He asks the viewer,
Take inventory of your life. What are your main sources of pain?
For me, it is loneliness, social anxiety, job, physical condition and financial situation.
What can you do to improve your situation?
Inner path = mindset, outer path = actions. Acknowledge the responsibility involved. Be honest with yourself, don't stay a victim. You will be stuck if you keep playing the victim. If you want to stop going back to porn, you need to take ownership.
But you need a progression. You cannot do it all at once.
This is why drug addicts go into rehab facilities. But if you plan on keeping your life as it is in the same location, you can only change a few things at a time. Take it in phases.
Start by getting yourself together on a personal care level.
Self-talk is important (i would also add prayer to this). Productivity, to-do-lists, turn up for work, core responsibilities. Laundry, clean the room, cover the basics. Manage your energy levels. Quitting PMO is energy-intensive. It is tough, draining. You will need to fill yourself back up, to stay clean. Porn can fake energy management skills. Use it when stressed or depressed, but when you cut it out, the coping mechanism has gone, so we need nutrition/exercise etc.
1st phase: Quitting porn. 2nd phase: Change up some more things, focus on new project. 3rd phase: Established foundation, you can advance forward and start new business or meet a ggirl etc. Break things down. Take the 'big ball of pain' that ignites the escapism, replace it with these small steps towards recovery, now it can be done. Patience is required to 'level up'. Don't take on too much at once.
To break the cycle, you have to show up and engage, and do it in progression. Need a plan, to make you stronger as you go. To pursue the meaningful things. Real satisfaction and fulfilment. Need to address the pain, the meaning will draw you through it.
We all have a tremendous opportunity to do good in the world. Being porn-free can allow for this to happen.
19.51
Watched a few more in this series and then progressed to reading more accounts from the forum. I bought some more beers too but alcohol is a trigger and it definitely has to go soon, one thing at a time though...
Looking forward to getting out of this rut and back into my routine. Need to re-strategise but this kind of forethought and preparation will be very beneficial. Seeking a change of careers and once that happens, I will be on a much better path. Being rock-bottom is a strange sensation but there is also a lot of hope, because the only way from here is up.
I know that we should be focusing on our victories and anticipating some relapses, rather than just resetting any progress, and I'm not obsessing over getting a flawless streak (although this would be most welcome), but this past weekend I watched a lot of P and failed so badly on this challenge - I watched two movies about French prostitutes hoping it would turn me off that whole way of life and teach me about the corrupt world they inhabit, but instead it just turned me on more and prepped me for watching more P.
I created another Stripchat account and threw away about £70 to one of the digital camgirls, when I was trying to keep a strict budget. I even turned down going to meet up with a friend on the weekend because of this, but then proceed to waste money I don't have on these empty pleasures instead, such a betrayal. As any good addict would do I suppose.
Also I broke my commitment against drinking too, and this fuelled other passions. Now I feel like an empty shell. It's ironic that weather here in the UK is really good right now - bright, warm and sunny. But within myself I am cold, dark and damp, such a contrast.
Given this major fall, I think it would be more effective for me to start again, with a clean slate, from Day #1. I've learnt a lot from these past few weeks, but I want to give myself another fresh start. I will carry on with this one for ninety days - regardless of whether I fall again in a similar fashion, as I don't want to get addicted to "starting all over again" as I know that can be a vicious cycle.
I've found a tonne of resources today which have been inspiring, and I've been reading some other threads to get me motivated, and while I don't agree with some of the stuff I've found, I understand people hold different worldviews and that mine is a rarity in today's world.
So, let's do this again... 90 days from now takes me to Saturday 8th October.
Day #1 - Monday 11th July '22
Midday
Still in recovery mode from this past weekends trials. I'll be caught in the vines for a few days at least. Looking forward to regaining optimism, energy and vitality. Desperately need contacts, a network of guys and something resembling a social life. Also need to start working out and replacing the wasteful habit of PMO with a fun, creative hobby.
I pushed my prayer rule too far last week, which is what caused this fall I believe. When you play with fire, you get burned. I'm returning to basics and just going to focus on that for now. I'm liable to piling on too much pressure and too many expectations, so I need to balance out my approach a little, and lean on God for more strength. He allowed this fall to bring me back to humility. My pride is exhausting and something I am slowly removing over time.
Need to change my diet, get a new job, start earning decent salary and move out of my moms house, finally leaving the "comfort zone". It's all doable, I just need to apply myself.
14.09
Found an excellent series that I'm working through today:
Comes with a free download for an entire Reboot Regimen - this is exactly what I needed. This time feels different, I really believe that I can conquer this addiction once and for all.
14.35:
I'm going for the "Hard Mode" reboot, which means being completely PMO-free, for the next ninety days. This was my original aim but now I can define and label it.
Also made some notes from the 3rd video of the series shared above. He asks the viewer,
Take inventory of your life. What are your main sources of pain?
For me, it is loneliness, social anxiety, job, physical condition and financial situation.
What can you do to improve your situation?
Inner path = mindset, outer path = actions. Acknowledge the responsibility involved. Be honest with yourself, don't stay a victim. You will be stuck if you keep playing the victim. If you want to stop going back to porn, you need to take ownership.
But you need a progression. You cannot do it all at once.
This is why drug addicts go into rehab facilities. But if you plan on keeping your life as it is in the same location, you can only change a few things at a time. Take it in phases.
Start by getting yourself together on a personal care level.
Self-talk is important (i would also add prayer to this). Productivity, to-do-lists, turn up for work, core responsibilities. Laundry, clean the room, cover the basics. Manage your energy levels. Quitting PMO is energy-intensive. It is tough, draining. You will need to fill yourself back up, to stay clean. Porn can fake energy management skills. Use it when stressed or depressed, but when you cut it out, the coping mechanism has gone, so we need nutrition/exercise etc.
1st phase: Quitting porn. 2nd phase: Change up some more things, focus on new project. 3rd phase: Established foundation, you can advance forward and start new business or meet a ggirl etc. Break things down. Take the 'big ball of pain' that ignites the escapism, replace it with these small steps towards recovery, now it can be done. Patience is required to 'level up'. Don't take on too much at once.
To break the cycle, you have to show up and engage, and do it in progression. Need a plan, to make you stronger as you go. To pursue the meaningful things. Real satisfaction and fulfilment. Need to address the pain, the meaning will draw you through it.
We all have a tremendous opportunity to do good in the world. Being porn-free can allow for this to happen.
19.51
Watched a few more in this series and then progressed to reading more accounts from the forum. I bought some more beers too but alcohol is a trigger and it definitely has to go soon, one thing at a time though...
Looking forward to getting out of this rut and back into my routine. Need to re-strategise but this kind of forethought and preparation will be very beneficial. Seeking a change of careers and once that happens, I will be on a much better path. Being rock-bottom is a strange sensation but there is also a lot of hope, because the only way from here is up.
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