A Righteous Struggle

sho0fl

Active Member
Nice job I would say podvig! You're definitely on the right path.

It's been said previously but people usually think this is a linear road, you just do it and it stops. The thing is, it seems more like a war each day, with different battles going on inside you. You win some, you might lose some and this is fine, it's the way it should be.

Just make sure you win the war, I think that you're doing just that. Cheers!
 

podvig

Member
Nice job I would say podvig! You're definitely on the right path.

It's been said previously but people usually think this is a linear road, you just do it and it stops. The thing is, it seems more like a war each day, with different battles going on inside you. You win some, you might lose some and this is fine, it's the way it should be.

Just make sure you win the war, I think that you're doing just that. Cheers!

Thank you, I admire your optimism. Indeed this is a war with many battles. When your stuck in a rut it can feel endless, but it is just "missing the mark" temporarily, and it is our task to stay on course and keep fighting back. God knows our struggles and will never burden us with more than we can bear in this life.

Since I've started taking this challenge more seriously, even the falls feel beneficial to some degree, because I'm trying to glean as much as possible from them to strengthen my resilience. Why did I fall this time? What were the triggers? What led me here? Two steps forward, one step back.
 

podvig

Member
Day #37 - Tuesday 16th August

I knew this was going to happen before it started. As soon as the dam breaks, it all flows downhill. A binge was inevitable. I allowed for alcohol, which then subsequently lowered my inhibitions, my self-control, my resilience - I succumbed to porn last night and this evening, sadly. It takes a long time to build up fortifications, defences, strategies; but it only takes a few careless moments, not paying attention or staying true to oneself, to watch it all tumble down. Then it is a process of rebuilding and restoring, buttressing the walls and strengthening the gates, until the fortress (my self-control) is protected once again. I'm using weird analogies but I hope it makes sense. Being in the midst of this evil it's hard to try and narrate my way out of it, so inevitably one sounds a little mad in the process.

I had a pretty good day at work, strangely. I got a vague sense of how comfortable and easy life must be just sitting around masturbating all day, watching porn and giving no f's whatsoever. This ultimately leads to ruin, however. The path towards glory, life, and exaltation begins with the denial of oneself, and giving over everything to God. Without spiritual direction, this can be difficult to achieve, so this is definitely not "easy". But then if it was easy, everyone would be satisfied, which is definitely not the case, judging from any sane observation of the world. Our life is borne of struggle and that is its purpose. I write these words, understanding truly that I am the chief hypocrite, the worst sinner, the most abhorrent man that's ever lived, to have the gall to admit these profound truths, yet at the same time commit these vile acts of perversion and misery.

I will keep struggling and keep praying to the Lord, to help me out of this mess. Fighting against our nature can seem so strange but it brings so many good fruits, we just have to focus on our long term goals, improve marginally each day and learn resistance.
 

podvig

Member
How you doing @podvig?

Hi, yes thanks for the message this came straight to my email inbox and served as a reminder I needed to do a roundup.

I've now finished my Ninety Day reboot! Today is Day #91 technically, counting from the 11th July when I restarted my first reboot.

Out of 90 days (July 11th - September 28th), I stayed clean for around 68 days (there are a few entries missing from my chart from earlier this month, so I've taken off 3 days from the 71 clean days I can calculate from the chart). So, I had 22 days where I fell and capitulated to at least MO, although I resisted P on some of those days.

My clean percentage is 76%. At least it's moving into the top quarter there, I'm pleased with that.

For now, I'll say that I'm mostly free of the PMO habit, which is why I stopped contributing so much on here. It's not completely gone away, but I've regained much greater control. Pornography is far less appealing to me now, mostly disgusting, I find very little attraction to it whatsoever.

The initial rush of nerves and existential dread at having to face this challenge was manifest in all the blabber of some of the posts earlier in my journal. I could have got by with less chatter, but that was part of the healing I guess. Some day I'll go back and review it all, and probably cringe at how much I said, lol.

I've discovered that Alcohol was the main issue I had when it came to my PMO addiction, more than anything else. Everytime I drank alcohol, even a couple seemingly innocent beers, it loosened my inhibitions, triggered lustful thoughts, lustful urges, succubus' in the night; then almost as soon as I quit alcohol recently, I was in almost total control and lustful thoughts and temptations mostly subsided -- not always, but they were far less strong without alcohol. My main battle now is giving up alcohol, so this is a main focus of mine moving forward. If it enters my life again, I fear I will keep doing this merry go-round again and again, so it must be removed completely.

Everyone has their own triggers. I could control myself around other people, and would not give over to the sin of fornication (which, by the way, is the more accurate translation of the Greek term porneia, where the word "porn" derives from -- it would be more accurate if, instead of the 'porn industry', we called it "the fornication industry" or "fornication websites", an interesting sidenote); although I will admit, I got close to calling up local prostitutes and asking for erotic massages and that type of thing, but this happened very rarely and only on occasion. It was still enough to be ashamed of, but thankfully my finances were dreadful and I couldn't justify it, even in my miserable state a couple months ago. It was not an everyday thing, i know others suffer much worse than this.

Now that God is at the centre of my life, after months of struggling and praying and trying to be a better example, I feel like I've moved through the worst of that habit now and that it's slowly receding into the background. At least the P portion has. The MO temptation will last until the end I suppose, but I'm optimistic that with God's help, all things are possible. Now that I've tamed P, I can focus on building a better foundation for my life and attract my future wife where we can build a family together some day soon, God willing.

Porn is just one of a long list of passions and sinful habits that need to be extinguished, ultimately to be replaced with Godly virtues and wholesome deeds. Gluttony is another big one for me, and it's painfully true that bodily passions ignite one another -- this was another trigger. Excessive eating leads to porn sooner or later, and for me it started with alcohol, then over-eating, and then eventually surfing the P websites.

Saint John of the Ladder sums it up very well:

Satiety in food is the father of fornication; but affliction of the stomach is an agent of purity. -- Venerable John Climacus ~ The Ladder of Divine Ascent (source)

In other words, overeating leads to lust but through fasting, we can conquer this passion. Fasting can also help us defeat many other passions too, not only lust.

I suppose before I conclude here, I should formally begin another reboot. I will double it and do 180 days from now, I'm feeling more confident so let's aim for that.

180 days leads me to... Monday 6th March 2023. Let's see how it goes throughout the remaining Autumn and Winter months. At the end of this cycle, it will nearly be Spring and a good time to reflect once more on how everything went.

Thanks to anyone reading this, I hope it encourages you somewhat on your own journeys. This is mostly an anonymous public journal for me really, but I hope others find value in it. God bless.
 
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