RELAPSE!

After 720 days of nofap the weakness in me got the better of me. I woke in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep. I’ve not slept since 1am this morning. So around 4.30am I got out of bed and watched P on Sky. Somehow rationalised that is safer than watching it on my phone given it’d be ‘Internet porn’ which is totally ridiculous. Tbh this is the first time I’ve truly experienced what it’s like being absolutely GRIPPED by temptation. I’ve never ever knew it was that strong! It literally changed my whole physiology, I didn’t even feel like the same man I’d been for the last 720 days. My heart nearly thumping through my chest did not feel human at all. I didn’t fap to P I turned it off beforehand and then masturbated. Then another two times before I left for work. Today has brought me true awareness, that no matter how strong you think you are or how high the road you are walking P is a sneaky fucker and will creep up on you and pounce in your moments of vulnerability. I also realised that early hours of the morning is when I’m most vulnerable. Failure brings with a certain awareness if you don’t allow yourself to sink too low. Naturally I will beat myself up about it today but tomorrow I’ll begin again with a fresh perspective. I can do this and I will do this because P is not an option for me anymore. It’s disgusting. I am through with it. Once in nearly 2 years was all it took to remind me I don’t want that life anywhere me! My new streak begins tomorrow but the real mental work starts TODAY.

Godspeed.
 
Top