The Road to Redemption

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
It appears I am stuck with this pain, back pain and sciatica. Right now nothing is helping it appears. I say "appears" because everything appears to be a certain way. I appear to be stuck in so many ways right now. I just lost my way these last few days; last night I willfully fantasized while laying in bed and I engaged in mental porn and mental masturbation. So again, technically, I did not watch media porn and I did not use my hand on my penis, but I was getting dangerously close. And the result was emission of semen, but again, I can't really call it orgasm, just some form of relief, just a little relief. I need to stop now, whatever it is that I am doing...it needs to stop. Even if it means that I must intoxicate myself, kill myself, whatever, but it stops now! Again, the object of the fantasy was my wife when she was young in a bondage scenario. I am spiraling, because I am losing momentum after this last back episode. And my wife is having car trouble and I am in no physical shape to deal with it right now, so I need to come up with alternate solutions. At the same time the work on the property has stopped, I just feel really fucked right now, so I am getting close to the edge....I have to learn to live with the pain. Nerve pain sucks, all pain sucks, but especially nerve pain. And learning to live with it sucks even more. Trying to manage it, knowing what alleviates it and what makes it worse, and that changes all the time. I can't go back to porn...the old familiar routine, the bottomless pit of despair, the end of the road, it leads to death, death of the soul, death of everything. I hate that I allowed myself to get so close these last two nights. The semen emission was caused by mental manipulation, which I've been able to do in the past once or twice, and I don't even know if this is a thing, but the mind is powerful, and if I can use the mind alone to get this kind of "relief", then I can use it in other ways to combat pain, physical and emotional. The "relief" is very temporary, not worth it, and even though "technically" I haven't violated my no porn-no masturbation goal, I know what I am doing, I have to be honest with myself...I'm pushing it.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
The "nocturnal emission" phenomenon during sleep while dreaming and the instigated emission while awake and dreaming....these two states are almost identical, but there is a difference obviously, because the latter is "instigated" by the will whereas the former is subconscious, but both play out in the mind with physical consequences. One subconscious and the other in a conscious state. But both are a dream state, one during sleep, the other while awake.
During these last 4 months I have not had any "nocturnal" emissions that I remember, but I have had some romance themes in my dreams even some with sexual content, but no semen release. So, yes, I am looking for relief of some kind, but generating and releasing semen is obviously not the answer even if it's done more passively like I've described, because the fantasy itself is still porn. The harsh truth is I did engage in porn the last two nights in my mind with the result of generating and releasing semen!
I did violate my intention of not engaging in any form of porn, so yes, I fucked up. I am confessing to the cyber world. And I can see the mental state that caused this slip evolving from circumstances in my body and environment. Physical pain and stress.
Alright, I've come clean. There is another day looming ahead...bite the fucking bullet!
Also, relax. Contract and relax. Breathe in and breathe out. Active and passive. Balance, listen, welcome the pain...
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
The "nocturnal emission" phenomenon during sleep while dreaming and the instigated emission while awake and dreaming....these two states are almost identical, but there is a difference obviously, because the latter is "instigated" by the will whereas the former is subconscious, but both play out in the mind with physical consequences. One subconscious and the other in a conscious state. But both are a dream state, one during sleep, the other while awake.
During these last 4 months I have not had any "nocturnal" emissions that I remember, but I have had some romance themes in my dreams even some with sexual content, but no semen release. So, yes, I am looking for relief of some kind, but generating and releasing semen is obviously not the answer even if it's done more passively like I've described, because the fantasy itself is still porn. The harsh truth is I did engage in porn the last two nights in my mind with the result of generating and releasing semen!
I did violate my intention of not engaging in any form of porn, so yes, I fucked up. I am confessing to the cyber world. And I can see the mental state that caused this slip evolving from circumstances in my body and environment. Physical pain and stress.
Alright, I've come clean. There is another day looming ahead...bite the fucking bullet!
Also, relax. Contract and relax. Breathe in and breathe out. Active and passive. Balance, listen, welcome the pain...
It's great you are being accountable, but I hope you don't judge yourself too harshly for your thoughts. All the best to you.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
Porn doesn't provide relief. It feeds the demon.
No matter what the circumstances, it doesn't help.
For me there is porn and there is romance. Porn is the raw desire for control and expression of repressed emotions. Romance on the other hand is the passion of innocence, it's the wonder and awe of love, and it's the sadness of never truly finding it. It's the reverence for beauty, knowing the beauty is only temporary. Romance is in the heart, whereas porn is only in the groin.
Then there is the celibate life, no attachments. This takes an enormous amount of discipline, practice and meditation. If I was to put these into any order of virtue, celibacy would be at the top, the most pure form of living, in my opinion. The idea of a soul mate still resonates strongly with me, but I don't think it's real. I think there are times when we just click with another person, but it's temporary, and after it wears off, then anyone has to set healthy boundaries. The trick to any successful relationship is healthy boundaries eventually.
One of the best parts of the recovery journey is the re-discovery of my desire to write. The daily log has helped me tremendously...it starts the day on the right note, dumping all the accumulated thoughts, all the feelings I wake up with into words, and just putting them out there into cyber space.
I did not engage in prolonged fantasy yesterday, thanks to my determination to put my time into intensive physical therapy. The breathing really helped, slow rhythmic breathing, slow movements, and yes, some CBD medicine.
The overall picture can be either doom and gloom or it can be cosmic consciousness, it's my choice. It's my choice whether I decide to transcend this life or be trapped by it.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
Had a relatively good day yesterday, and I say relatively because everything is relative to something else, especially when it comes to designating something as "good".
Seeing my family is "good" typically, spending time with the wife, kids and grand kids is "good", nothing better. The only reason I can actually enjoy time with my wife is because we don't live together anymore. So the focus is on family and not on us, because our relationship has sucked. 30 years...it's amazing that we survived.
I'm always nervous about being around my oldest kid, because she has a lot against me, and I don't blame her for it. I was not a great Dad to say the least, no, I was probably a shitty one. But I love her and I love all of them, and I even love my wife to some degree...it's complicated. That's life, complicated.
I try to be careful though, about labeling anything "good", it's such a damned cliche. I don't like upbeat, I don't like optimism, and I don't like anything that is inflated or hyped. No, life is melancholy for me, life is bittersweet. More bitter than sweet actually.
My porn addiction has ruled my life in many ways; it has affected my relationships, how I relate to women, and also in a way how I relate to people generally in public. Porn is a killer...it kills compassion, empathy, and charity. It numbs the senses and it it robs people of their humanity. For me, it kept me in a state of shame and inability to follow through on anything. I did not struggle at all last night, and I would like to say that I had a recent stumble. I am still very sensitive to stress and triggers, I realized last week, so it's one day at a time, one breath at a time. My life must be lived in short intervals, any amount of planning, and I can lose it quickly.
Many of the characteristics that I struggle with like procrastination, day dreaming and apathy were already present or forming before porn took a hold, but porn made all these struggles more intense, and always pulled me away from engaging in challenges.
Now, it has to be a Spiritual approach, now it's everlasting life vs. temporary hell. Transcendence, rising above and viewing life through the eyes of the angelic body, the luminous energy. Truly, sex has become something far less appealing now. There are other connections that I would like to explore.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
Old habits die hard, like stubborn pain.
My outlook on life changes all the time, and it largely depends on the amount of pain I'm experiencing. Chronic physical pain sucks, and I'm trying to think of worse things, and I'm sure there are.
I see reports of fatal accidents in the news, and I think, well, that's all she wrote for that person, and the inclination is to feel bad, but there is some envy, because the person is released from the trials, the pain, the strife.
I'm not suicidal, just tired in many ways, perhaps prematurely at age 51, but I don't get too excited about things, because the same themes recur over and over again, only differently.
Much of my life has been characterized by attempts to be someone that I am not, and now, now I feel a bit drained. I feel beaten in many ways...I was too hard on myself and too hard on others while deep down inside the real me was hiding under layers of dreams and expectations.
To be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, and that is part of the problem. Starting all over again, to some that sounds amazing and to others frightening. I don't know how it sounds, I'm just trying to make it through the day somehow.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
I don't want to admit it, but I hit 3rd strike last night, that's a baseball strike, not bowling.
OK, I'm floating right now, because I am absorbing it rather than rejecting. It's not a big deal, and it is...it is in the sense that I have been humbled once again, and for me the humbling usually happens in the sexual arena or with my back condition, and just recently both.
It's not as big of a deal is it had been before.
It's a shift in mindset, totally. I went 4 months monk mode and perhaps it's not the ideal lifestyle for me after all. Perhaps it is, but I am willing to accept both, and the Stoics had it right anyways. My leg is not blown off, because that is worse than my two "issues" right now, so it's a comfort to know that my leg is not blown off!
Letting things sink in takes time, and in the meantime it's totally a body awareness thing.
I must admit the dating sites may have had a small impact, but actually, they have been helping me more than anything else. It's a confidence thing with those, and just the fact that I got "likes" was a boost for my soul...that's all it took.
Again, in the meantime it's all about listening, absorbing and accepting.
It really, really, really IS about : ONE DAY AT A TIME!
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
I am starting a new approach today.
Total acceptance.
Until very recently I had grand goals in the back of my mind, for example competing in triathlons. That's not going to happen soon. I have a serious back problem, and I had pushed too hard and had a major setback, now I am sort of disabled once again.
So, how am I going to deal with this?
I am going to survive from one day to the next, that's all.
I did four months monk mode, big deal. I can probably double that with willpower. But sheer willpower is not the long term solution. The solution is total acceptance of who I am, and that is scary and exciting and it starts with the very act of breathing and sensing.
There are things that I have avoided, that I know I must do, and I have avoided them out of fear. This is the first step, and by accomplishing these things, it will put me out on a limb, so to speak, but it must be done, because once I've done them, it closes a major chapter in my life, and as we all know, the end is only the beginning.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
Well, it's a rocky start so far.
The physical pain in my sciatic nerve is like having a thorn permanently stuck in your foot. How do I deal with this all day? I am still learning.
The porn addiction is still there, and porn is always at my disposal, always, whether in the mind or on the screen, it's all the same.
Part of my identity is the back condition I've had for years...The last 2 or 3 years saw an improvement, and I started pushing myself again, only to "relapse" this Summer. And now my mental state is being tested, and I failed the test.
I feel like everything has changed again.
I want to put life on hold until I fix this and I can't. Life continues. Misery is a state of mind.
OK, one day, it all starts with one day...this day, can I make it through the day without resorting to thoughts of porn?
Can I welcome the pain?
Can I focus on my mission? What is this mission?
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
After a four day long battle, I made it through the day and night without resorting to porn.
The battle was in the heart, in my heart of darkness. The heart is like a jungle, and the jungle is foreign to me. My own heart is foreign to me. What lurks in the jungle? Stuff is constantly growing in there, and it's wild, dangerous and full of sounds that are intense, longing and crying out to be heard, to be recognized by the cosmos.
Yes, the heart cries out, but am I listening? Or have I grown cold and bitter against the desperate longing of the heart? Have I tried to simply ignore, cover up and deceive myself into thinking that I no longer have one?
Yes, there is a base urge, a source of energy in our bodies, and it is sexual in nature, I get it. And it is down in the groin area...it's vital to species survival, it's built in for a reason.
Long ago humans realized their own potential to get creative with this energy and built amazing things, amazing cultures, amazing religions, amazing empires.
This potential must be realized through the heart and then through the brain...it's a succession, an upward flow, a channeling process. I know this theoretically, and I can visualize it. I must live it, daily.
It's not about counting days, it's not about "success", it's not about doing or not doing....no, it's a realization of the state of my being at all times...it's getting in tune with the flow and opening up the channels in the body, it's transcending the pain.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
I would rather just sleep and dream.
I would rather vanish like a puff of smoke.
The toils of living, the daily strife...
All is for what? All is a joke.

I hear the wheel grinding away,
I sense the eternal vacuum.
We either fit or run astray..
Into the endless vortex.

I feel like an alien, like an observer.
I see myself, the lost soul.
Somehow, I got sucked in, into this drama.
The play of the sexes, the dance of the needy.

Cut the strings!
Freedom is what I want.
Emptiness is what I crave.
The will to live is all I have left.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
Life doesn't have to be happy.
It doesn't have to be anything. It can be whatever I want it to be.
There are human constraints. There is pain, there is hunger, there is want. But it's all inside of me. When I think of the external world, and how it directs the human drama stage, I think that what matters is what I pay attention to.
I dream about being with a woman, not just any woman, but one that suits me. And there are two separate desires, one is purely sexual, the other is romantic. Why are they separate though?
The type of woman that suits me sexually is far different than the one that suits me romantically, so ideally I should have two, depending on the need, right? Well, no, because I'm fragmented, and I don't want to be.
I want to be whole again, so I am shooting for sobriety once again.
I am not shooting for happiness, just sobriety.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
Sobriety sounds so dry I have to admit, and when I say sobriety I don't mean abstaining from certain substances, I mean a sober way of thinking. Right now my mind is somewhat at ease, but in a couple of hours who knows....conspiracies may already be brewing subconsciously.
Making it through the day with a consistent ease, with a steady mindset of realization that everything I perceive changes all the time, and yes, I am capable of using different perspectives...
God help me to remain in a state of calm today, in a state of balance, in a state of acceptance.
 

Zeile

Member
You sir, are a helluva writer. Have you read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse? Also, I hope your sciatica is taking a break. When mine flairs up it is all encompassing, but always leads to greater things as I work to recover. For me, sciatica is rock bottom, but I’ve learned to embrace recovery. Similar to porn in a way.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
I hope your sciatica is taking a break. When mine flairs up it is all encompassing, but always leads to greater things as I work to recover. For me, sciatica is rock bottom, but I’ve learned to embrace recovery. Similar to porn in a way.
Thank you for this encouragement. The sciatic pain has become a tyrant, I must admit, but I have to get back into the recovery mindset, like you point out. This last back episode was completely unexpected and very bad timing.
And yes, it must be synonymous with porn recovery...I have been in a deep hole these last few weeks...I know things can be worse, but my Summer basically went to shit.
I don't know, somehow I have to get through this, it's back to one day at a time, one breath at a time...this has been so hard.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
The sciatica, the porn and all of the pain is related, is more closely related than I ever imagined.
I have written a lot about acceptance, but I have not lived it. Unexpected sudden events for example, or changes that affected the course of things. No, the truth is that I have been an anxious person, my emotions have ruled me.
I had some progress this year, but oh, how quickly that "progress" can turn into backsliding.....
 

Zeile

Member
I have not, I am currently reading "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad. It suits my depressed state currently.
Has Hesse inspired you?
It’s one of my favorite novels. Reading your journal reminded me of Hesse’s story. That novel has inspired me in terms of practicing patience, forgiving myself and others, and finding beauty in simple moments. Sounds corny, but it’s a great, short read and I think you’d find it relevant (just put Conrad down and watch Apocalypse Now). Check out Things Fall Apart after Conrad though for African Perspective.
 

Aeodh Dan

Active Member
I got up very early for the first time in two months.
My Summer went to shit right after "Independence Day". Acute back pain followed by the "perceived" immobility, stiffness and prolonged pain. I had been through all of this before.
Before long I was back in the old mindset again, no hope, depression, anger etc. and eventually back to porn...
My thinking patterns, my suppression of emotions and my cycles of depression have all contributed to chronic pain in the body and when I look back through the years I see how the pain moved from one are of the body to another, and of course the doctors have a name for everything, don't they? Once something is diagnosed, then you have been labeled as someone with a "disease".
My disease is and always has been in my mind.
Is pain real? Yes, but most of the time I am the cause of it, not some external factor.
Same with porn...yes, there are triggers, but again, I am the one reacting to these "triggers".
The mind comes first, the mind was there before the body and will be after the body. The body follows the mind.
 
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