The Road to Redemption

[Aeodh Dan]

Had a bit of a rough time going to sleep, but posting last night made the difference.
"Psychosomatic" is the new concept I'm studying, and many types of chronic pain are considered psychosomatic. A mind-body disorder, and so much of it has to do with thinking and believing in the old familiar ways, so people get stuck in cycles. My physical pain and my porn addiction are mind-body issues, I know this to be true. The notion that "it's all in the mind" is false, whereas the notion that it "starts in the mind" is more accurate, because the mind causes the physical changes in the body. And I am mainly talking about the subconscious mind, which acts on it's own, unless we can access it through meditation or other practices...
Emotions can be repressed and cause the subconscious to compensate, or distract from the repressed emotions.
Understanding all of this is one thing, but believing it is another, and as the saying goes: seeing is believing
Yes, I see the patterns in my life, I see the addiction cycles, the pain cycles, and I see the same in other family members.
I think I've struggled with hatred towards my mother because I saw some of her behaviors in myself, and maybe my daughter feels the same way about me.
That "stinking thinking", like they say in AA meetings...
Thinking is important, but sometimes it has to be shut off, and the mind has to be allowed to just experience. People drink large amounts of alcohol to forget, to loosen up and just relax, and we need those things.
Then there are toxic relationships...that keep you stuck in old ways of thinking.
It all starts in the mind, so today I embrace a new way of thinking, a healthier way of thinking and a way of thinking based on truth and revelation, not based on old familiar, sick beliefs.
Today, once again, is a new day and a new opportunity for growth and learning, so it's my choice: do I stick with the old patterns of despair or do I welcome truth and light into my being?

 

[Aeodh Dan]

I welcome myth and wonder, I welcome my truth and my story!
Tonight as I enter into the world of dream, I also enter into the subconscious and into the wholeness of my being....

 

[GBS]

Hi @Aeodh Dan - I think the identification of some human intelligence, whilst some might think we’re crazy here, is so crucial. So we’ll done. Good work. Keep going.

You inspire me to great things.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Constant awareness is key...what thoughts are entering my mind right now?
Is there aggravation, apprehension or anxiety about anything or anyone?
How is the past influencing my state of mind?
What are my dreams telling me?
As I was going to sleep last night, my mind wanted to go to familiar "comforts". It's a battle every night, but I have learned to embrace sleep and dreams, all the interactions in my dream life are reflections of the subconscious mind. What is happening in there? I've heard it said and seen it written that over 80% of what we do during the day is driven by the subconscious, and when you consider that the subconscious is already directing your mind during sleep, then for the most part humans are on autopilot. Thinking patterns, how we approach the day, expectations and most important of all is perspective.
What I believe about myself, I am this, I am that, I like this, I like that etc. These are all limitations that I set for my "self"!
What if I simply embraced whatever new teachings come my way without critical analysis?
What if I decided once again, not only in my head, but also in my heart, that I don't need porn?
What if we have to learn the same thing over and over, but every time it's on a deeper level?
And what if, when we finally get to the level of "there is absolutely no other way", I would simply walk this new path and not look back?

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Moments in time
Drifting away
Where do they go
from day to day?

Losses and gains
Pleasures and pains
Times of joy
Sorrow and Toil

What's it all worth
When it's gone in a flash
Hide the memories
Add to the stash..

So every moment counts
If you wish to recall
A life worth living
So count them all!

 

[Aeodh Dan]

The porn demons obviously know that my most vulnerable time is when bedding down for the night. So, that's when they flood my mind with old images and fantasies. It's when I'm tired and perhaps they think weak.
One advantage I have now is that I can lay awake in bed and not stress over the fact that I'm not sleeping, I'm OK with dozing or focusing on the breath. It's funny how I used to get upset if I didn't sleep well, but that's exactly what the porn demons want...they want me to get "triggered" somehow.
So I am posting twice a day now, because I recently relapsed and I am vulnerable, but also, because the writing is therapy for me, it is a healing practice.
Repressed emotions is a problem, and I think for me writing helps me get them out, express them, acknowledge them, validate them.
My wife showed up yesterday and will apparently be packing more shit in the house, finally, because as you can imagine it's mostly her "shit"...why do women have so much shit? OH oh, did I just make a sexist statement?
Let me re-phrase that, why does my wife accumulate so much shit???
Her arrival was a little of a anxiety source for me no doubt, because I never know what she is "brewing" about. And the next catastrophe could be right around the corner!
But I was pleasantly surprised to find out there were no catastrophes...
The marriage relationship and the relationship to my mother have been triggers for me, no question. Those two women have almost driven me to suicide in the past. I know, I realize that they are who they are, but that is why I must live alone, and can you believe that I recently started praying for them??
Yeah, I need my space!
Fighting with the porn demons is enough work for me right now.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Had a long talk with the wife...and it ended calmly for a change.
Yes, distance is needed sometimes.
My time alone has been, continues to be vital for my recovery. Breaking through mental barriers, learning to be OK with myself, allowing creative energy to unfold.
I am still vulnerable to triggers, probably will be for the rest of my life I reckon.
Writing, writing and more writing is becoming my "saving grace".
Everyone should have some creative outlet, and for me right now, it is identifying feelings, thoughts, ideas through the written word.
Add to that fears, uncertainties and dilemmas...the complexities of the mind, the traps of thinking too much, of analyzing too much.
Tonight just breathe, breathe in life and expel the waste, keeping my mind on the wonders, the wonders that perplex me, astonish me and keep me in awe.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

I'm glad to hear about your more positive interaction. I guess it's a reminder that things are not set in stone despite how they appear.

Yes! Write! Let's write until our cups are empty and we can fill them up anew.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

The wee hours of the morning
the stars still adorning
A cloudless sky, silent lullaby

A whisper I hear, or is it in my head?
It all blends together
As I lay awake in bed...

Morning inspiration, I wish I could carry it through the day.
The day invites the struggle, the battle over the mind, who will win today? The "I AM" or the ego?

 

[Aeodh Dan]

The porn demons attacked while I was driving to the dairy today, I have no idea how or why, but it was cunning little offensive they put on. I was able to quickly withdraw, and so far they've been silent again, but I'll be hitting the sack soon, so we'll see...
Building momentum one day at a time.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

Building momentum and assonance one porn-free paragraph at a time. Nice (on both fronts)!

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Last night I was too tired to pay any attention to the porn demons.
I watched a movie about a guy who attempted to reach the summit of a notorious mountain in the Himalayas in 1988, but only got to the "fore-summit" and almost died on the way down. 25 years later he did the same climb, finally reached the actual summit and then DID die on his way down. True story. That story really made me think about what I am willing to live and die for...
Living and dying is inevitable, we should be doing both to the fullest.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Getting ready to go on my "post meal" walk, it gives me the opportunity to prepare myself for the night and mentally check if any "triggers" may have been present today, even if they are just thoughts...
Physical pain symptoms, feelings of desperation or just mental images can all be triggers. Careful movie selection is part of my evening routine and being tired enough before hitting the sack.
Nothing is to be taken for granted, every day is a gift.

 

[GBS]

Sheesh @Aeodh Dan - not sure I like the Himalayas film analogy! But actually I agree. Whatever happens next, we are better people having given up porn.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

we are better people having given up porn.

"Proper art has to do with aesthetic experience, which is static. Proper art doesn't move you to do anything. It is aesthetic arrest.
Improper art, on the other hand, is kinetic. It moves you with desire, loathing or fear for the object represented. Consequently, it moves you to action. Thus you're not in aesthetic arrest. Art that moves you with desire towards an object, Joyce called pornographic. According to Joyce, all advertising is pornographic art. Whether a part of a woman's anatomy or a MacDonald's Big Mac or a piece of vintage recording gear, you are moved, not simply enchanted, by the object in view."
(Excerpt from a 2013 article in the Huffpost, referring to James Joyce, author)
This is an interesting concept, that pornography is an "art form" that moves you to desire, loathe or fear...it is in a sense advertising, and the actors are artists in a sense, that they portray themselves to create an active response, like masturbation, and desiring more...
The middle road, which is the road to recovery, is not responding to fear or desire...

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Had the pangs again around midnight, they seemed to last for an hour. In the past I would have of course masturbated to some bondage porn fantasy to relax the body.
I quit the dating apps for good, they are such shit! It wasn't even that they were a trigger as much as they were just plain stupid. Everybody has it all together, their lives completely intact, blaha blah, I don't need anyone, just looking, blaha blah, intelligent pro-athlete, blah blah...it's all lies
And it's another excuse to look at a screen full of bullshit.
Life is raw, life is problematic, life is complicated.
At any one time any of us could stop and question ourselves what the fuck am I doing with my life?????? I do it constantly, and the answer is nothing, always nothing, but at the very same time, EVERYTHING is contained within me, and I know this. The whole Universe is contained within every one of us, isn't that fucking amazing?

 

[TakeActionNow]

@Aeodh Dan
I now treat pangs for porn alike pangs of hunger. It tells me I need something, but
1. I don't necessarily have to address it immediately
2. I have many different ways and options to address it
3. Is it really what it feels like or is it telling me something else altogether ?

Whenever I feel needy, I ask myself what else in my life am I feeling lacking?
Comfort?
Feel good?
Achievements?
Reduced stress?
Rest and sleep?
Social interaction?

It usually isn't about wanting sex, but we're made to think that it is because we've been so used to using sex to solve all of our non sex issues.

"At any one time any of us could stop and question ourselves what the fuck am I doing with my life?????? I do it constantly, and the answer is nothing, always nothing"

Yup I do it too when I'm deep in our addiction. That is because we really weren't doing much else aside from feeding our addiction.

Coming clean, focusing on normal life, recognizing self achievements has actually gotten my hands quite full.

I ask less these words now, and they have changed to "what else can I do to stay occupied and achieving."

Take care of yourself!

 

[GBS]

@TakeActionNow - you write so much sense. Lie the pangs of hunger analogy and our one track minds. Habits formed over 40+ years (for me) take a hell of an effort to break. But break them, slowly but surely, we shall.

Thanks again, I think it’s time to Take Action Now. See what I did?

 

[TakeActionNow]

Haha @GBS you pun master. Onward and forward!

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

Hi @Aeodh Dan just checking in to see how things are going. I hope you are doing ok.