Had a relatively good day yesterday, and I say relatively because everything is relative to something else, especially when it comes to designating something as "good".
Seeing my family is "good" typically, spending time with the wife, kids and grand kids is "good", nothing better. The only reason I can actually enjoy time with my wife is because we don't live together anymore. So the focus is on family and not on us, because our relationship has sucked. 30 years...it's amazing that we survived.
I'm always nervous about being around my oldest kid, because she has a lot against me, and I don't blame her for it. I was not a great Dad to say the least, no, I was probably a shitty one. But I love her and I love all of them, and I even love my wife to some degree...it's complicated. That's life, complicated.
I try to be careful though, about labeling anything "good", it's such a damned cliche. I don't like upbeat, I don't like optimism, and I don't like anything that is inflated or hyped. No, life is melancholy for me, life is bittersweet. More bitter than sweet actually.
My porn addiction has ruled my life in many ways; it has affected my relationships, how I relate to women, and also in a way how I relate to people generally in public. Porn is a killer...it kills compassion, empathy, and charity. It numbs the senses and it it robs people of their humanity. For me, it kept me in a state of shame and inability to follow through on anything. I did not struggle at all last night, and I would like to say that I had a recent stumble. I am still very sensitive to stress and triggers, I realized last week, so it's one day at a time, one breath at a time. My life must be lived in short intervals, any amount of planning, and I can lose it quickly.
Many of the characteristics that I struggle with like procrastination, day dreaming and apathy were already present or forming before porn took a hold, but porn made all these struggles more intense, and always pulled me away from engaging in challenges.
Now, it has to be a Spiritual approach, now it's everlasting life vs. temporary hell. Transcendence, rising above and viewing life through the eyes of the angelic body, the luminous energy. Truly, sex has become something far less appealing now. There are other connections that I would like to explore.