I’m a porn addict and I’m finally getting help

JSP

New Member
Hello. My story is a hard pill to swallow but I’m here to share my story. I’m 59 and was recently caught by my wife and now my marriage and family situation is in shambles to say the least. I want to share my story About how I started, how long I’ve been doing this and what it eventually escalated to. I started watching porn once it became easily accessible on the Internet. At first it was just once in a while overtime years that turned into watching it whenever I had a chance until it got to the point that when I looked at a computer I related to porn. Eventually this lead to performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction with my wife. I knew something was wrong because I could get a rockhard Boner with porn but not my wife. Our intimacy and sex life severely dwindled and I knew it had but I didn’t know what to do . She’s my best friend and life partner and the one I would like to discuss it with the most but how can a person approach your spouse with such disgusting information about what you have been doing? So I kept the secret going. I wanted to get help and I knew I needed help I thought about sneaking out to see a counselor but I knew that would not work because I would eventually get caught doing that so the dirty secret continues. I just did not have the courage to tell anyone about my obsession, my addiction. So my performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction which ever it is, was a huge mental stressor. I was failing my wife. That’s a huge blow to a man’s ego. So, this led me to wanting to demonstrate my masculinity and show people that I can still perform sexually so my porn addiction now escalated to me video masturbation with others. A way for me to demonstrate my sexy capabilities. At first it was with other women which eventually I found disturbing because in my mind I was betraying the one person I love the most my wife. The guilt of masturbating on video with another woman and the betrayal I felt afterwards was too much for me . Through various chat sites and apps I discovered that there’s other men much like me so I turned to masturbating on video with guys watching me while we watched porn. I could watch porn on one device and video masturbate on another so I could be watched. This seemed to fulfill a need i had to show how masculine I was and that I could still get it up and my equipment worked fine. This eventually led to an opportunity on occasion to watch porn in person with other guys and jerk off while we watched porn together and again this fulfilled my need to show that my stuff still worked just fine but without the feeling of guilt and betray of “cheating on my wife”. Them recently I got caught in my whole world came crashing down on me and our family. Last week I saw a sex therapist porn addiction counselor. This is what I needed and should have gotten help with years ago but again it’s so shameful and the betrayal I was trapped and had nowhere to turn. How does a person tell their spouse about such a dark dirty thing that has been happening over the course of years? I did find some comfort in meeting other guys either on video or in person sharing the same exact thing as me but it did not help the situation. My Internet porn use escalated from watching porn to video masturbation and then ultimately to masturbating in person with other people on occasion while we watch porn . I’m glad that I finally got caught even though it has made a disaster of my life which I hope we can recover and it’s going to take some time but at least it gave me the opportunity to seek help and now that I have discovered reboot nation I have felt even better about my situation and I understand how common of a problem this addiction is. It feels great to have this in the open now and I’m seeking help. It has been 8 days now since I have watched porn or masturbated. I’m thankful for my counselor and grateful that I discovered Reboot Nation
 

Percival

Member
8 days is pretty good. Breaking this addiction is a big behavior change, and you are doing the right things. It's a marathon, not a sprint.
 
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TryingHarder

Active Member
Welcome, JSP. This forum is a very valuable resource. You have a lot of caring guys here who have gone through the same problems and will have good advice and encouragement. Read as many threads on this forum as you can. Read as many articles about porn addiction as you can. If you haven't already, read Your Brain On Porn from cover to cover. Because knowledge is power.

As you have discovered, there's a lot of shame and embarrassment with a porn addiction (be sure to watch Eli Nash's must-see video). Here's what I wrote in my own journal:

One of the worst things about a porn addiction is how shameful it is. Any addiction is bad news and destructive. If you were to confide to someone that you had a drinking problem or a drug problem, they would most likely be concerned, and ask how they could help. And there would be a familiarity; most people drink, and anyone who drinks has been drunk before. Your confession would probably conjure up images that were unpleasant, but also familiar thanks to personal experience and the way that drinking and being drunk is often glamorized in TV and movies.

However, confessing to a porn addiction would conjure up images of you sitting in front of a computer with your pants around your ankles fapping.

That's truly grotesque and disturbing, and your friend would likely be repulsed (unless they have a porn addiction, too). What kind of porn are you watching? What kind of disgusting things are you looking at to get your kicks? And so this is why so many addicts can never confess their porn addiction. It's too shameful.

You have my sympathy. Best of luck on getting porn out of your life, rebooting, and recovering.
 

JSP

New Member
Welcome, JSP. This forum is a very valuable resource. You have a lot of caring guys here who have gone through the same problems and will have good advice and encouragement. Read as many threads on this forum as you can. Read as many articles about porn addiction as you can. If you haven't already, read Your Brain On Porn from cover to cover. Because knowledge is power.

As you have discovered, there's a lot of shame and embarrassment with a porn addiction (be sure to watch Eli Nash's must-see video). Here's what I wrote in my own journal:

One of the worst things about a porn addiction is how shameful it is. Any addiction is bad news and destructive. If you were to confide to someone that you had a drinking problem or a drug problem, they would most likely be concerned, and ask how they could help. And there would be a familiarity; most people drink, and anyone who drinks has been drunk before. Your confession would probably conjure up images that were unpleasant, but also familiar thanks to personal experience and the way that drinking and being drunk is often glamorized in TV and movies.

However, confessing to a porn addiction would conjure up images of you sitting in front of a computer with your pants around your ankles fapping.

That's truly grotesque and disturbing, and your friend would likely be repulsed (unless they have a porn addiction, too). What kind of porn are you watching? What kind of disgusting things are you looking at to get your kicks? And so this is why so many addicts can never confess their porn addiction. It's too shameful.

You have my sympathy. Best of luck on getting porn out of your life, rebooting, and recovering.
Thank you and you speak so truly. You r worlds are so accurate. It is so shameful that you can’t tell anyone. Thank you for your kind words. Day 10 for me now
 
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