Moving Forward

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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 323; no MO Day 127; no SUB Day 40

Recently I typed in a name into Google search that wasn't helpful. I saw a news item in which she said she had felt violated by the leaking of some nude images onto the internet. I felt the sudden old urge to immediately look them up. Then I realised that it wasn't the fact that it was porn and would lead to a relapse that what was wrong. It was the fact that they were leaked without her consent and that this would be a further violation of not only that person but also my own evolving sense of what is right and wrong. When I was deep into the addiction this wouldn't even have been a question - anything was fair game once the porn goggles were on. And they were mostly on.

So the urges and behaviour patterns are all still there and still hit every time I get complacent (which isn't that rare tbh) but there is progress.

My partner and I are slowly working through some things. We had a softer talk last night and have agreed to to de-pornify our sex life as she feels hurt by my recent screw up. What used to be fun doesn't work any more and there are areas that I need to work on. I guess I have to face just how much porn has infiltrated the way I look at sex and relationships. I only started this journey in earnest just over 2 years ago and there's a long ways to go. I admit that I have been looking for a magic cure-all. I thought it was going to be giving up porn, alcohol, smoking, starting meditation, reading etc. etc. In some ways all they seem to do is bring up new stuff, or new problems - actually these aren't new, they are just things I couldn't or didn't want to see before.

Anyway, things are not all bad and they are not all good, despite my emotions wanting to wildly swing between those two poles. And I am glad I didn't follow that urge.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
There was recently an article about porn addiction in the Guardian:
www.theguardian.com

The secret lives of porn addicts: ‘I am meticulous about covering my tracks’

As pornography use soars, some men feel their behaviour is moving from a compulsion to an addiction. They describe how this affects their health, happiness and relationships
www.theguardian.com www.theguardian.com

Hopefully there will be more mainstream coverage and societal understanding.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 331; no MO Day 136; no SUB Day 49

Things are going ok. I feel far quite away from porn at the moment. However, a video my partner took of me holding my son in a cable car at the weekend has led to a little soul searching. I can see my eyes flitting away every so often. And I know that it's towards an attractive young lady who was in the carriage with us. And every time I do it I can see my facial expression change. I don't know whether it's guilt or lust - I just haven't seen it before so I don't recognise it and I can't say I liked it. Then I return to being a happy dad. Watching the video was interesting for one, how obvious (and often) me checking her out seemed, and two how much better I liked the person who was laughing with my son.

There is a young female teacher at my kindergarten that I try to make eye contact with sometimes but she never does. She isn't my son's teacher so there is not reason for it. I was surprised at how much it seemed to affect me this morning. I left wondering if I was turning into a creepy old dad (one with a propensity for overthinking the smallest of non-events mind you). Men checking out young women is nothing new of course, and I have spent many years objectifying and sexualising so it's not that shocking I guess - but it is leading me to wonder what it is that I think I need and what it is I think is missing in myself.

Things are better with my partner at the moment. There is no time or energy for sex at the moment but we are being nicer to each other and talking more.

Have a wondrful porn-free week!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @PrometheusUnbound - I think it’s good that you notice imperfections in your life. It’s not always easy addressing them, and that’s our problem as sex addicts. But don’t forget you’re a red blooded male so just a bit of looking (applying the 3 second rule) isn’t a heinous crime. You’re not being a lech if you’re not a lech. It’s as simple as that. Be the new you as much as you can and don’t go over the line.

You got this.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 337; no MO Day 142; no SUB Day 55

I was just looking over my personal journal before posting here and it has actually been a year since I last went on a porn site and MO'd to the content! I have a month to go until a year since I last MO'd to any kind of sexual material. In that period I had gotten into a negative circle so I reframed what a relapse was. I had also written a list of cognitive distortions that I thought I had about porn after listening to a Craig Perra podcast episode following my last reframed relapse:

"What are my cognitive distortions?
  • I think that wanking will ease my anxiety.
  • I think that the feeling of giving in to craving will make me feel better.
  • That just this once will be ok.
  • That is isn’t porn because I couldn’t see nipples.
  • That it’s [...]’s fault because she is stressing me out.
  • That it’s ok for me objectify because she chose it.
  • It’s ok because I’m stressed.
  • That sleeping with others aside from my partner will make me happy.
I was catastrophising when I told myself I couldn’t sleep without wanking because everything was falling apart. It was helplessness that told me that was true. Blame: I tried to blame [...] in my head. Minimisation: it’s not that bad because the pics were censored.

The positive is that I went 18 days without looking at porn.

I have proven time and time again that wanking leads to porn for me.

It sets the cravings and shame spirals snowballing again."

I found it a helpful exercise. Also the podcast "Sex Afflictions and Porn Addictions" has some great information if you like his (Craig Perra's) style.

Best.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 342; no MO Day 147; no SUB Day 60

Things are going fine. There were a few days off because of the bad weather here so I go to spend some much needed family time with son and partner. The time off mixed with a recent bout of norovirus led me to breaking my 2-month time away from YouTube. I ended up binge watching for a couple of days and have lost sleep because of "just one more video" syndrome. It's the same shape of behaviour as porn and needs continual work as it's a recurring thing for me. But boy am I glad it's not porn anymore. Getting back onto meditation and reading today. I've started The Creative Act by Rick Rubin - a pretty wise and inspiring book for the creative process. And from the local library no less. Something I am grateful for where I live.

Wishing you strength and grace for a porn-free weekend.
 
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Clouds&Dirt

Active Member
PrometheusUnbound said:
No PMO Day 342; no MO Day 147; no SUB Day 60

Things are going fine. There were a few days off because of the bad weather here so I go to spend some much needed family time with son and partner. The time off mixed with a recent bout of norovirus led me to breaking my 2-month time away from YouTube. I ended up binge watching for a couple of days and have lost sleep because of "just one more video" syndrome. It's the same shape of behaviour as porn and needs continual work as it's a recurring thing for me. But boy am I glad it's not porn anymore. Getting back onto meditation and reading today. I've started The Creative Act by Rick Rubin - a pretty wise and inspiring book for the creative process. And from the local library no less. Something I am grateful for where I live.

Wishing you strength and grace for a porn-free weekend.
Click to expand...
I've read that book! Lots of insightful bits of creative wisdom in there. You're doing amazing, almost at a year, you got this
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 348; no MO Day 153; no SUB Day 66

I went to a gig for the first time in years on Sunday and saw some friends I haven't seen in a long time. Everyone was drinking and smoking except me and it didn't really bother me. The music itself was great as well as hanging out and chatting afterwards. My YouTube use has continued to be compulsive this week but I'm getting to spend more time with my family. Imperfectly perfect. I've read a few dark articles about porn escalation recently. I feel extremely lucky to have changed direction before I lost everything. I'm also grateful for this forum and the people on it. I've taken it for granted a lot and had a complicated relationship with it at various points. But one thing it has done for me is provided a base from which to get off the path I was on without the judgement (deserved or not) that may have impeded that process. A place where people want you to succeed even if you've done some wretched shit; because I think for all of us, succeeding means the world is a slightly better place. Not sure where I'm really going with this, but yeah, I'm grateful to everyone sharing here whatever state you are in.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
"Imperfectly perfect": yeah, I think that's right. We've all done a lot of stuff we are ashamed of and want to do better, and I think that's why we also want each other to succeed. We know what it's like to fail.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 364; no MO Day 3; no SUB Day 3

A few nights ago I MO'd for the first time in over 5 months. It was to sensation (not so coincidentally after a fail attempt at intimacy with my partner). It opened a familiar door. 24 hours later I MO'd 3 times within the space of 6 hours, things escalating in terms of fantasy and the like. The final time I did a familiar ritual of looking through my phone pics for sexual material and then my Google Drives (thankfully all deleted), then mindlessly scrolling social media wondering why no one I know posts bikini pics anymore (probably because of people like me). When I actually saw a little bit of skin I felt bad and logged off after a couple of seconds and then finished to a nude photo of my partner. I made a point not to go through any post-nut clarity ritual and just sit with myself for a few minutes. So, all pathways seem intact with regards to MO and I have to stay off that again.

When I logged in to write this I just realised how close ot a year it is. Would be crazy to completely shit the bed now so back in the saddle!
 
K

Kraken

Well-Known Member
PrometheusUnbound said:
No PMO Day 364; no MO Day 3; no SUB Day 3

A few nights ago I MO'd for the first time in over 5 months. It was to sensation (not so coincidentally after a fail attempt at intimacy with my partner). It opened a familiar door. 24 hours later I MO'd 3 times within the space of 6 hours, things escalating in terms of fantasy and the like. The final time I did a familiar ritual of looking through my phone pics for sexual material and then my Google Drives (thankfully all deleted), then mindlessly scrolling social media wondering why no one I know posts bikini pics anymore (probably because of people like me). When I actually saw a little bit of skin I felt bad and logged off after a couple of seconds and then finished to a nude photo of my partner. I made a point not to go through any post-nut clarity ritual and just sit with myself for a few minutes. So, all pathways seem intact with regards to MO and I have to stay off that again.

When I logged in to write this I just realised how close ot a year it is. Would be crazy to completely shit the bed now so back in the saddle!
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A year of no pmo is huge! Have you noticed any positive benefits in that year?
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Nice job @PrometheusUnbound on almost a full year! I know for many of us, just going back to MO refuels the whole thing. Two actions that have been performed together for so many years, makes it real hard to separate one from the other. Don't be too hard on yourself over this matter. You're still PMO free and that's all that matters.

A whole year. Amazing!

Best
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 366; no MO Day 5; no SUB Day 5

Cheers @Blondie and @GBS - always great to be on the path with you guys!!

Thanks @Kraken . There have definitely been some positives. I think mainly there isn't this feeling that everything is on the verge of falling apart all the time. I still get quite strong anxiety but it isn't anywhere near as high as before. I feel like I'm breaking some kind of cycle for my son. Although sex is a very complicated subject, I'm not ruled by it in the same way I was before. I can see more where horniness is a function of anxiety and stress relief rather than a sexual urge. I don't have these massive self-loathing hangovers like I used to everyday. It's encouraged me to learn more about myself and find other more positive ways to deal with stress (although internet addition and junk food remains quite strong in that department). I think my partner is way hotter than I used to. I had abstained for over a year before but it did always feel like it could collapse at any moment. This time it feels like I have a stronger base to work from because of the positive habits I've had to implement (eg. meditation, journaling, reading, gardening etc.).

Have a great week!
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Although sex is a very complicated subject, I'm not ruled by it in the same way I was before.
Click to expand...

I think this is really, really critical to understand, and isn't something that someone can tell you (I use "you" in the general sense): we all have to come to understand it. Sexuality is complicated, for both men and women (but differently!), it is a core part of who we are (it can't just be turned off) and it doesn't have to rule us, however much it seems like it can or does.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 376; no MO Day 15

Things are ticking along. Busy as hell. Binge watching YT and junk food has been back on. Now on day 5 of 16-8 intermittent fasting and day 2 of trying out being meat-free for a while. Trying to get a reading habit back on track too. But things are going well.

Keep going everyone!
 
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