Moving Forward

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 379; no MO Day 18

My partner and son are away with family today so I have the day off. I did waste a couple of hours scrolling and watching bullshit in the morning but I got my head together, meditated, wrote, and headed to the vegetarian buffet leaving my phone at home. I went for a walk around the botanical gardens and meditated in the forest listening to the different bird calls in the vast quiet expanse before people started appearing. Then I went to the flower market and bought some plants for the balcony and bought an alarm clock on the way home so that I don't need to have my phone in the bedroom at night. It's the first time I have felt nourished in a while (note to self - touch more grass!). I'm going to read in the bath and tidy the flat before they get home.

It was the first time I have gone out without my phone for a while and honestly I did NOT particularly enjoy hearing my thoughts without the option to numb and escape with the cocaine button but actually they were not as apocalyptic as they used to be and I found it useful to see the state of my mental hygiene. Anyways, wishing you all a porn-free rest of the weekend and week next week.

May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be safe.
May you live with ease.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
It was the first time I have gone out without my phone for a while and honestly I did NOT particularly enjoy hearing my thoughts without the option to numb and escape with the cocaine button but actually they were not as apocalyptic as they used to be and I found it useful to see the state of my mental hygiene. Anyways, wishing you all a porn-free rest of the weekend and week next week.
Hey @PrometheusUnbound. I definitely get this. Yesterday I forgot my phone while going on a day trip with a old friend. It was nice to not have "anything to do" while he was doing this or that, thus forcing me to stay with myself and my own thoughts. I think cellphone addiction goes well beyond just porn or whatnot, but just in general these days. This constant need to "be in the know" is often as you point out, a mere distraction from our all too human thoughts and existence.

Wishing you the best this Sunday.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
No PMO Day 379; no MO Day 18

My partner and son are away with family today so I have the day off. I did waste a couple of hours scrolling and watching bullshit in the morning but I got my head together, meditated, wrote, and headed to the vegetarian buffet leaving my phone at home. I went for a walk around the botanical gardens and meditated in the forest listening to the different bird calls in the vast quiet expanse before people started appearing. Then I went to the flower market and bought some plants for the balcony and bought an alarm clock on the way home so that I don't need to have my phone in the bedroom at night. It's the first time I have felt nourished in a while (note to self - touch more grass!). I'm going to read in the bath and tidy the flat before they get home.

It was the first time I have gone out without my phone for a while and honestly I did NOT particularly enjoy hearing my thoughts without the option to numb and escape with the cocaine button but actually they were not as apocalyptic as they used to be and I found it useful to see the state of my mental hygiene. Anyways, wishing you all a porn-free rest of the weekend and week next week.

May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be safe.
May you live with ease.
So nice to read the positive things you managed to do there. Enjoy! And always good to be phone-free. Although it feels weird, to be alone with your thoughts, it sometimes helps me feel a bit more "free".
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 1; no MO Day 1

Thanks for checking in @GBS

Unfortunately the news isn't great. I used porn 3 times in a 24 hour period and have to get back in the saddle again. My partner and son were away on Monday night. At some point after finishing work late I ended up escalating some growing bad habits and at some point just decided to PMO. I stayed up til 4am despite having to be up early for work. After an early meeting at home I PMO'd again, canceled my remaining meetings with a plan to catch up on the sleep I had been supposed to get with my night off. I didn't do that started MOing. Of course this turned into one more PMO for the road. The knock on effect was I ended up being late to go meet my son and on the way was quite a mess. There was shame, self-loathing, tiredness, but also the crazy adrenaline from the extended dopamine spikes. Thankfully when I saw my son in the evening I calmed down. Because we are at his grandparents everyone went to bed early so I caught up on some sleep. I had a lot of rges to MO last night and this morning but decided against it.

Of course it wasn't a random event. I think maybe the last 2 months have been leading up to it. I MOd in August after about 5 months off and found it hard to shake the habit. I did go 20 days MO-free in September but after that basically I was doing it once a day and then it escalated to once in the morning and once in the night. I had also been watching YT compulsively and started to eat unhealthily again. Sleep quality was deteriorating. Work was busier than usual and my partner had relations with my partner were quite strained. I was meditating less too. I was making more music than before but this meant that I was looking at a screen for more hours in the day. I can see from my personal journal that in general my mental health had been deteriorating. A few days before the first relapse, my partner had come home drunk and we had gotten into an argument in front of our son. Since then my adrenaline, or something else, had spiked and I couldn't shake off my anger and had felt at the edge of my patience for a few days already.

An interesting thing that I noticed about yesterday was that it was in some ways a typical day from before, with all the existential and social dread and shame and being on edge, not fulfilling responsibilities correctly etc. This used to be how life felt everyday. And I didn't really notice how just how crazy that is because it was everyday not once a year (or more) that it is happening at the moment. So here's a reminder to myself that urges pass and they don't need to be indulged. MO leads to compulsive MO which leads to porn and that leads to more porn and darker things. But also that bad mental health leads to MO for me and it's most important for me to take care of that. Despite the fuck up I am not in the habit of PMOing and looking forward to moving back away from it.

Thanks for reading!

Best.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks for the brutal honesty, pal. You are a big man for doing that. I won’t wrap you in cotton wool, I was devastated to read your travails. But you’ve been ploughing this furrow for a while so you know the way out of ithe mire. Be tough on yourself. We love you, man.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Thanks a lot @GBS Love back at you. Yeah, I felt bad when I was writing it because I knew it would be disappointing or at least depressing to read. I'm feeling a hangover from it physically, emotionally and mentally but am pulling myself back together and not going to make the hole any deeper. Thanks for all the support.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey, @PrometheusUnbound, I'm sorry to hear about this. @GBS is right, coming back here with that kind of honesty is quite the big man thing to do. Reading your post made me realize once again the importance of our mental health with this issue and our being cognizant of it, maybe even, being honest with ourselves, while we slowly go back to our bad habits, both mentally and externally.

I'm wishing you the best on getting back on track. I know from personal experience that this is where the rubber meets the road and you have to really want it again to get back on track. Obviously you've proven you can do this, so keep that in mind these next few days and weeks.

Best
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 2; no MO Day 2

A couple of things to note after a little more reflection:

The walk from whatever room I was in to the computer, watching myself do it and switching off all control or moral code. Acting as if there was another force carrying me there. I almost hate that more than the doing of the act itself. It felt like the action of the me who doesn't take accountability, or wouldn't sacrifice (myself) for my family if it was needed. That's not who I want to be.

It was a little more clear to me how illusory the experience is this time. That it's the feeling of the chase not the thing itself. Nothing that I saw was in any way satisfying. There was immediate escalation and tab squirrelling. Putting off the inevitable rather than prolonging something actually pleasurable (edging). The predictable feelings of self-loathing, 'how could I?', and 'I'm never going to do that again' although I know in my heart that I'm going to do it again as soon as my newly fried logic circuit board decides eg. the next chance I have to get some sleep or before anything of importance I have to do.

I wasn't in a great place before it but now it feels like my insides are being churned up by hundreds of little helicopter propellers. Everything is on high alert. My voracious eye for other women is back and braying. I'm suddenly unsure of how to be intimate with my partner. Wanting to blame her for my own shortcomings. Head is ringing. Moments where I don't know where my mind has been and suddenly I realise it was replaying a video. Almost constant horny anxiety is back. And I don't want to work.

All that said I am also ok and have every intention of not fucking doing that to myself again.

But how? I've been here before so I know how to get back on track but I think I need a new way of approaching life in general and that is the project for now.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 3; no MO Day 3

My fantasies had been getting increasingly pornographic and unrelated to my partner in the lead up to the relapse - and this was after a long period when for the most part I had stopped fantasising. So the more I MO'd the more it escalated. And I had started thinking about stuff that I had stopped thinking about because it didn't line up morally with who I wanted to be. And because there was dopamine involved I had a motive to not care that it might affect my future self.

I was listening the John Delony show last night and I liked the way he framed something to a caller. I want my home to be a nurturing and loving place so I need to be the best version of me that I can be. What does a day look like where that can happen? For me that means setting my alarm earlier so that I have time to myself before I wake up my son. It means prioritising meditation in the morning before everything else. Moving my body. Reading something healthy. Journaling. And this means I need to go to bed earlier, and in order to do that I can't be watching YT into the night. So this morning I set my alarm earlier, meditated, journaled, and then got my son up. I am setting an intention not to watch any YT today. I need to reacquaint myself with feeling uncomfortable.

Have a happy porn-free Friday everyone.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 5; no MO Day 5

Continuing to adjust some habits. Taking the week off YT. 3 days in so far. Up early to meditate before waking up my son everyday for the past few days. Meditation is starting to help me see what's going on in my head a little more clearly. Today I noticed that when I sit I say to myself 'look there's my monkey mind doing what monkey mind does, swinging from vine to vine and flinging shit everywhere', but I don't really do this when I'm not sitting. I just get blown around by whatever thought or emotion is strongest at that moment. And those have been very negative lately.

When I lie down in bed my mind tells me that MO will solve all the problems that are making me feel bad. Literally that sentence. I haven't gotten back to a place where I can laugh it off yet but I am remembering that it's manifestly not the case.

Wishing you a fun porn-free Sunday.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 6; no MO Day 6

Struggling with emotional regulation these days. I have a lot of resentment built up towards my partner but have found myself unable to communicate about it with her in a satisfactory way and it keeps building. This was happening before the relapse but has been compounded since. I haven't really been communicating with anyone else apart from at work though. Haven't seen friends or spoken with my own family for a while so it's just been simmering here at home. Time to change that up.
 

Percival

Active Member
I haven't gotten back to a place where I can laugh it off yet but I am remembering that it's manifestly not the case.

You've had a rough time of it lately, pal, but I echo what GBS and Blondie said: thanks for being honest with us and yourself (really, mostly the latter). I identify 100% with all that you said, especially the part about the moral code getting switched off and seemingly like another person was in control. It becomes overwhelming and it is just so much easier to surrender and give (you want to, after all). No amount of logical reflection can stand up to that.

But you are absolutely right to remember that porn/MO won't help at all. Sometimes all you can do is trudge onwards, one step at a time, expecting (because it has before) that it'll get better eventually.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Thanks a lot @Percival this really helped me on a bad day.

No PMO Day 8; no MO Day 8

Recently I let anger consume me. Most of it manifests internally as frustration towards my partner, but whatever fairness there is to that, the anger has been completely disproportionate. Other things are at play too. There is a fear of not being listened to and therefore not being loved. I have watched YT til 2 or 3am for the past couple of nights in reaction which has left me underslept. Yesterday was her birthday. She ended up going to stay in a hotel near her work to get some space, mostly because things have been pretty tense between us but also because she is super busy. Today I realised/remembered that she is not responsible for the way I feel and that she can't fix this. And this is because she is not the cause of whatever this is; maybe some things she did/said/didn't do/didn't say etc. triggered it, but I can only find my way through this by examining and questioning where this anger is coming from. I have spent a crazy amount of emotional energy going in angry circles for the past while. A recent episode of the 10 percent Happier podcast on anger helped me get some much-needed perspective. Now I need to sit down and talk without needing to get my own way - something I'm finding pretty difficult at the moment.

On the upside urges to MO into a portal of eternal paradise are fading. I'm being creative and reading. I did a good job today. Daily meditation is back and I can see some light. We went to the cinema to see the Transformers film with my son who has just turned three. It was his first time and was a pretty exciting experience all-round. Now that I think about it, it was in part a treatise on how unchecked anger can consume and corrupt and I didn't even notice!

Best.
 

Percival

Active Member
And this is because she is not the cause of whatever this is; maybe some things she did/said/didn't do/didn't say etc. triggered it, but I can only find my way through this by examining and questioning where this anger is coming from.

People and relationships and she and you are all complicated! Each complicated on their own and then even more complicated when added together. Good on you for recognizing that it's not all her fault (probably not all yours, either). Lots of people seem to just float through life without ever thinking even that far, let alone actually trying to do anything about it. You've managed both.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
I'm sorry you are going through this anger phase. I had it too for a long time when my wife first brought up the issue of divorce to me back in dec 2021. I felt so wronged. I felt my efforts were ignored. I created deep resentment whenever I thought about what she did to me.
Did to me...
I didn't think about what I did to her
I was quite blind to many things when I was in the wanking cloud. Our behavior when clouded by PMO is usually seen as irresponsible
Unresponsive
Unambitious
Shallow
Avoidant.
Our partners get incredibly frustrated when time and again we did not do what was asked.
Eventually they too ran out of patience.

Another reason for anger is the way the mind works when down on dopamine.
It is an uncomfortable mind, much like an engine running with too little oil, always overheating always jamming.


Unfortunately the only way is to ride it out. It used to take me 3 days to get over a harsh remark. Today it's about 30 minutes. The key difference is that I'm not so affected by what others say. I think when PMOing we place alot of emphasis on others because we depend on them to feel good. When out of PMO we gradually place more focus and attention on our own long term goals and effort to make us feel good.

They can do or say what they want.
My own path is set.
It is my path that I'm more interested in now. So I can care less about others.

Still it doesnt mean we can neglect our wife. She spending her birthday in a hotel alone is not a good thing.
Imagine you in her shoes.
Imagine seeing your wife angry and resentful every day.
You would be an unhappy husband too.

While I know you are trying to work out your feelings, behavior and emotions, please don't park your wife into cold storage and expect her to wait for you. She would not.
You would not.

Look, I'm not in a good relationship state too. My wife threatened divorce with me again. I'm of course ultra pissed. But for once I kinda see from her perspective, and I don't like what I see (me).

There were many things in the past I thought I did well for her. But it only made our relationship more cold and serile.

The last time she said divorce I was against it.
Today if she wants it I'm like whatever.
So unburdened by a desire to retain the marriage, I let myself be free to do what I want.

I made sure I speak my mind more openly.
I try to and do kiss her several times a day.
I complement her whenever I get the chance.
I make effort to laugh off or ignore her scarstic remarks.
I mean, if I'm gonna get divorced, what more can I lose? What good can Mr nice safe and avoidant guy get? Nothing.

So fuck it. Let's ignore the ugly and embrace romance. Let's spend some time being frisky instead of being safe.
And it seems to be working.

The more we think about how we're wronged, the more angry we're gonna get. Don't.
The anger solution isn't with her. Its with you. Find and focus on everything you're good at. These are the activities that make you happy. These activities will lift you out of anger.

Wishing you well, relief and success!
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 10; no MO Day 10

Things a little in free fall at the moment relationship-wise. I did meet my best friend for breakfast today for the first time in a while. We both vented, which was helpful, but I am making sure to keep in mind that is mostly only telling my side of the story. Anyway it was good to catch up. I told him about my recent relapse. He asked me if I was getting back on the wagon or if the seal had been broken. I felt confident in saying I'm getting back on the wagon and that I'm back on here posting. It was interesting talking to someone else about it in real life. I mentioned that I was at it for hours, and then came back to it a few times in that 24 hour period before having to do stuff, which made me horrendously anxious and messy. It made me sound like an idiot to be honest. But saying what transpired out loud made it feel poignant when I said "and that's why I can't/don't do it anymore". Because it turns me into an irresponsible self-loathing child. And I can be that if I want to without it to be honest. He told me he had been drinking more heavily recently and had not been patient with his kids, which he is feeling bad about. We both agreed we need to start looking after ourselves better for our families.
 

Percival

Active Member
@PrometheusUnbound that is awesome that you have a real-life friend to whom you can talk about these things (and hear what he struggles with too)! It appears to me that most adults have some kind of quiet problem that they struggle with, any one of which "most" people don't have, yet altogether all of us have something. But because all the problems are quiet and personal, it looks like most people aren't struggling, when actually we all are.

Anyway, glad you two could vent and help each other.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 13; no MO Day 13

A trying weekend. It's becoming more clear to me how cultural differences, family trauma, and unhealthy coping mechanisms are affecting us both, and then in turn affecting each other. I can see more how just because I might feel justifiably angry about something, I'm still being a dick if it's not under control. Feel like I'm turning into my dad. But I'm trying. That friend messaged me the next day and said that I inspired him and he went to bed at 9pm without drinking that night. I have to in turn turn that focus onto dealing with my anger. No PMO though. I've had a few urges to MO in bed but have had the conversation with myself about how lopsided the before and after is and put the idea to rest.

Have a nice porn-free week.
 
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